Not exactly a swinger....

[katiew]

My husband and I have been married for ten years we are in our mid 30's. For years he toyed with the idea of a threesome involving a woman. I felt that he only wanted this because I wasn't enough. A few years ago it we tried it for the first time and it was awful. I came but I no longer viewed my husband in the same way. Over the years we have tried it a few more times. It was never preceded by a conversation. He would just appear with a woman of his choice. The final time was at my orchestration and I really enjoyed it. However, I've concluded that I'm more attracted to men and multiple partners is exciting, but I still really enjoy couple sex. The experiences left me wanting to have "regular" sex with a man. meaning one man one woman and it being enough for him. I expressed this desire to my husband and he felt that it would be cheating since he was not included. I feel that he experienced what was his choice. I want to do the same. I feel that I compromised/sacraficed. Whatever you'd like to call it. I don't want to leave my husband. But I long for the attention of a man that would be satisfied with just being physical with me during an encounter. I appreciate any thoughts.

[socolais]

I think this is an interesting approach. It's funny how different people have different objectives and we can all have a good time together with each individual getting the impulse they are looking for. I don't mean this in a bad way, but you each appear to be looking at this from a self-centerd perspective. When my wife and I decided to give swinging a try, the benefit (and objective) was how it would excite us together and how fun that elevated energy level would be when we got back together in the privacy of our bedroom. Yes, there's a few activities I want to try that she says she's not so interested in - those activities are still on the to-do list but at a low priority. Right now, we're concentrating on the opportunities that excite us both. I'm not saying that's the only way or it's right for everyone, but I encourage you to have a look from that angle and see what develops.

You mentioned that the time you selected a female playmate, you enjoyed it more. How was it for him? and what do you think was the reason you had more fun?

And lastly, an opportunity to explore your curiosities is a reasonable expectation and it sounds like there needs to be more communication between you two. Talk it out and discover a way both of yall can be excited for the encounter.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by katiew

I feel that he experienced what was his choice. I want to do the same.

The "he got his so I want mine" mentality is sort of disastrous, IMHO. But, that is just one of the disasters I'm seeing in your post.

There is a lot of dysfunction in your story - and it is hard, from the perspective of a person in a healthy swinging relationship, to relate.

First, you played after years of thinking he only wanted it because he wasn't satisfied with you? Why? What convinced you? Was it pressure? Was it curiosity?

Based on what you wrote, it seems to me that you did it to make him happy. Very nice of you, but you can already see what that caused. Swinging when you are not comfortable with the motives of your partner is always a bad idea.

Then you continued to play anytime he'd just show up with a woman...



Seriously? He just walks in and says, "look what I found on the curb" and you guys go at her?

It would be an understatement to say that the communication in your relationship needs a little work.

So - he is on the prowl... You don't think that he is satisfied with "just you"... And now you want to look for someone who will be.

Here's what needs to happen...

You both need to quit. He needs to quit ignoring your feelings on this and treat you like a wife. He needs to show you that you completely satisfy him sexually - and if he doesn't feel that way, he needs to find out what's wrong with him.

He needs to quit bringing home random women for you to reluctantly fuck - and he needs to get the foundation back into your relationship.

You need to quit allowing him to run over you like this. Your need to take a lover is nothing more than a need for validation. You should be getting that from your husband.

We swing because it is something that we - as a couple - enjoy. It has nothing to do with not being satisfied by my wife. In fact, the more we swing the more acutely aware I am of just how incredibly satisfying my wife is - as a partner in crime and life.

Spoomonkey

[md70mtl]

As I see it, you both can decide what you need to do.

Maybe closed room (separate room) swinging would be more up your alley. Tit-for-tat sounds like a poor approach to address a difference of opinion and I'm sure greater consideration and discussion would be beneficial. I don't see it as "cheating" when both partners agree to the conditions and to find that consensus there must be negotiation.

Closed vs Open thread: http://www.swingersboard.com/forums/...ht=closed+room

[iapr]

I agree with spoomonkey, the tone of this is all wrong. There is nothing wrong with threesomes, group sex or 1 on 1 separate room play in and of themselves if that is what people enjoy and are comfortable with and are in agreement of it. But this post shows a great deal of disharmony if not actual animosity.


Even though I am chopping the sentance short and taking away from it's original meaning I think the key phrase in this post is "...I long for the attention of a man....."

The only road this leads down is to disaster.

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

The "he got his so I want mine" mentality is sort of disastrous, IMHO. But, that is just one of the disasters I'm seeing in your post.

Dito I could write my response but it would be a duplicate post to Spoo's. Listen to him.

Mr. WS

[Mr. Truelove]

Originally Posted by WesternSwing

Dito I could write my response but it would be a duplicate post to Spoo's. Listen to him.

Mr. WS

Agree as well.

He got his so I should get mine is a very bad way to view it. The feelings you are having have been generated because you "took one for the team" as we like to put it.

Having him do the same will simply compound the problem.

I encourage both of you to look at this as a "shared" experience always. That is, if you still pursue swinging at all.

-Mr. Truelove

[sereneiders]

I wholly agree with Spoo here.

You felt you allowed yourself to become just a sex toy for your husband, he was the subject and you the object, and now you blame on him because you expected him to reciprocate, at least to allow you to become the subject.

The problem is, once you adopted your role as an object, without any previous bargain about your place as a subject, you already gave up and lose the game.

I don't know your husband, I can take your words for him to repeat what Spoo said about him. All I have are your own words and descriptions of the events, so now I am talking about you.

In order to become a subject you have to take the responsibility for your own actions and omitions. It was YOUR mistake to allow yourself to become an object without defining explicit limits making it a game where you do "as if" you were such an object. It is YOUR mistake to expect your husband to "read your mind" and understand your motivations when allowing him to be the only subject, and even if understanding it, to expect him to accept your new role.

This isn't about "asking him" to "understand" your needs. This is about asking yourself to understand your needs and why you allowed this to happen, because this is the only way you'll be able to start putting limits and imposing your own terms for the relationship to go on and grow up, and not at the price of being you the only one taking the burden and the pain.

You have to make a choice here, if you like to see yourself as an abused woman, or as a peer in a relationship. No one else will do this in your behalf, not even your husband. Even if he were willing to, at this stage is very likely that he's used to have an object as to willingly change his behavior without bumping his head against a wall of bricks.

It's about you.

[daisy girl]

I think the biggest red flag is that he showed up with women without discussing it with you. Please think about your motivation and intention before you pursue this further.

[intuition897]

Katie, you need to validate your email address so you can reply to the responses here!

Spoo said it all. I'll add a few points just to underline what he said, though...

Originally Posted by katiew

I expressed this desire to my husband and he felt that it would be cheating since he was not included. I feel that he experienced what was his choice. I want to do the same. I feel that I compromised/sacraficed.

What you consider cheating doesn't matter; what HE considers cheating DOES matter. Switch positions with him for a minute. What if he wanted to go out and screw other women without your involvement? Let's assume for a minute that you felt this crossed the line and it was cheating. Or maybe you're just fine with that...whatever. Okay, pick something else that you are really not okay with him doing, and picture him telling you that your feelings on the matter...didn't matter. That your feelings were wrong. I'll bet you wouldn't appreciate it very much. Surely you can see that that's wrong to do to someone.

Moving on to the last sentence in the quote above, your feeling that you compromised/sacrificed... Not to be a bitch, but whose fault was that?? The man can't read your mind. And if he did know how you felt and walked all over you anyway, that doesn't make it any better! Basic lessons in the lifestyle: Stand up for your own self, 'cause it's unfair to expect someone else to do it for you; Be honest with yourself and with others; and grow up and be accountable for your actions and decisions. If you didn't want to participate, if you were uncomfortable with it in the least, it was YOUR responsibility to refuse to participate. You can't blame him if you said, "Yes, please."

[fun4Ds]

katiew,welcome to the swingersboard.

i was hoping that you would reply also. at first i didnt know what to think. sounds like you are having some definate communication troubles with this.

is this lifestyle something you both want?

in the begining it sounds like maby you wanted to try this,but left it to your hubby to do the work searching and finding a playmate. or were you just passive and submissive to it?

you said you enjoyed it more when you had some control in this. thats what we are talking about here. mrs.fun and i could never imagine this lifestyle working without everyones needs being delt with as a couple. and it didnt sound like you got any communication in the begining, after the first time.

even to the point that you want full swap now, hell i dont blame ya for that.there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel desireable, you have the write to feel the most desireable to your husband. it sounds like your feeling second to all. thats not healthy to say the least in the swinging lifestyle.

sounds like you have some feelings you want to let out, and this is a great place to start,so please do reply. we may not all have the.... wright answers, but you can express yourself here anytime.

[2good4better]

Originally posted by katiew
It was never preceded by a conversation. He would just appear with a woman of his choice.

This is the part of the original post that stuck out like a sore thumb (or other appendage). As most responders seem to suggest, communication seems to be lacking in the relationship and further forays into swinging might be disastrous.

[Edison Carter]

Susan here-- It's so obvious KatieW is looking for a revenge-fuck experience with another couple, sans her husband as a form of retaliation for whatever she feels she's been 'put' through. At least she didn't pull a Jane Fonda and fetch the the random women for her husband.

[GoNatural]

Originally Posted by daisy girl

I think the biggest red flag is that he showed up with women without discussing it with you. Please think about your motivation and intention before you pursue this further.

This stood out to me too as a red flag.

Well, your choice of words for the title of this thread answers how you feel about being part of "The Lifestyle", that some members mention. Also, obviosly complete and total monogamy isn't your ideal choice either. Where does that leave you?

Well, there are many different types of arrangements for a relationship that is "responsibly non-monogamous". Yes, swinging is one of them, but there are others.

My opinion is that you choose what is best for you. Second, if you want your relationship with your husband to last, you and him both must agree "before hand" on the boundaries of your non-monogamous relationship. As a general rule, fairness and equality within the options will increase the of this holding together over the long-haul.

Furthermore, your husband very well may find sex with you satisfying. I still think that he went too far by arranging things without your concent, permission, help, or participation. Nevertheless, his desire to see you with another woman, or live out his fantasies does not directly mean that sex with you is not satisfying to him. A real reality in this world is that some of our greatest sexual turn-ons are from those things that we are not able to experience on a regular bases. That happens to strengthen many fantasies. I'm sure that you are experiencing some of this added fuel to your fantasies also, about being with another man. If it happened every single day, it certainly wouldn't be such a thrill for most people.

Now, I fully respect your desire to have sex with another man besides your husband. In fact, I appluad you on your desire! I dearly hope to marry a woman like yourself sometime in the future. Certainly, I'd love to watch her with another man, and or woman sometimes, but I'd be extreemely turned-on by her having a trusted lover or two that she could meet alone with. Enough about me already, but see, some men agree with your desires!

I kind of question your desire to be "enough" for a man. Well, not your desire for that per se, because we all want to be "enough" and be desired, but more your logic that you are not enough for your husband. Possibly, you are correct, and he makes you feel that way, whether intentional, or you are mistaking. Either way, just understand that some very loving husbands have a burning desire to watch their wife with another woman, even if they experience the woman also.

Trully, you and your husband need to communicate to each other all of these feelings and ideas, and resolve them before going any further with any form of responsible non-monogamy.