Husbands: What it Takes for a Woman to Try Swinging

[DKent]

I'm a happily-married man, 52, with a wife, 50, in a "vanilla" marriage. I recently suggested us investigating the swinging lifestyle, and it didn't go over as well as I'd hoped. Since then, after much discussion, research, talking with others in the lifestyle and those who might wish to be but for one of the spouses not interested, I've learned this:

There are three basic tenets to a woman (or a man, I suppose) to be open to swinging - and I mean, to do it willingly, and embrace it, not merely tolerate it for the other's sake.

1) The lady must be able to separate "romantic sex" from "recreational sex". In other words, sex between you two can be loving and romantic, an expression of your bond and commitment to one another, but she needs to be able to see a different type of activity in which sex is merely for the fun, variety, and physical pleasures it brings - like a good massage - but without it carrying any deeper meaning or "expression of love" like you're own private lovemaking does.

If she cannot separate romantic sex from recreational sex, swinging is not for her and therefore, not for you.

2) The lady must enjoy, or at least be consciously willing to, being seen by other people in the nude. There must be at least some "exhibitionist gene" in her that derives pleasure from others seeing her body. Likewise, she must have some "voyeur gene" as well, to be comfortable seeing other people naked, and in fact, engaged in sexual activities.

If she is too conservative or modest to be comfortable undressed in front of other people, or is not comfortable seeing others engaged in sex, swinging is not for her and therefore, not for you.

3) The lady must enjoy or at least not have any aversion to watching pornography. It might not be her favorite entertainment source, but she must at least enjoy watching it with you. Being surrounded by other couples having sex is like "pornography in the round" or 3D Porn, and if she doesn't like the stuff on screen, she'll really dislike it in real life.

If she doesn't like pornography, swinging is not for her and therefore, not for you.

I'm sure some folks in the lifestyle might disagree with some of my points, or wish to add to them, but I've distilled these three elements down from much investigation. It has revealed to me that my wife is not one of those wired for swinging (she is a "negative" on all three of the above), and I give a deep sigh, say, "Oh, well," and go on to enjoy my beautiful wife and the life we have together. Which is pretty good, compared with most people I know.

[VegasLee]

I think you have made a good choice.

Honestly, Swinging is NOT for most people. Very few for that matter. There are people in this world that are perfectly happy in life not having sex with anyone besides their own SO for life and that is great! Nothing wrong with them at all.

I can pretty much agree with 1 and 2 but in our case not 3.

We have been in the adult industry most of our life and swingers most of our life but we do not watch porn. It does nothing for us at all. When we go to the club or parties there is sex going on all around us yet we have never related that to porn in anyway.

Glad that you see you have a great wife and can accept her for what she is.

Good luck to you.

[havefuninsun]

There was a time when I enjoyed porn more than I do now. Probably because of our real-life activities. In fact, one night, we both fell asleep while watching one particularly bad "acting" flick (spitting on pussies is supposed to be a turn on??). Anyhoo, I get your point, though. And it does make a lot of sense.

Sounds like you've come to terms with your wifes desires -- I applaud you for that! Good for you!! I remember your having a time of it for a while ...

[graygo98]

You have some really deep insights for a newbie. And, your wife is a lucky lady to have someone who loves, appreciates and accepts her as you do.

I believe that "separating sex from romantic love" is not the immense deal-breaker that you might think. Contrary to Hollywood portrayals, women are often far more realistic and hard-headed about relationships than men. Unless there is some serious religious programming going on, most women I have been involved with have been as interested in pure sex as any guy and are easily able to separate it from "love".

Suprisingly, the body image issue seems to be a much bigger barrier for many women. Guys can parade around a hotel room naked totally oblivious to their pot bellies and drooping man-boobs. Gorgeoius women, on the other hand, can be utterly paranoid about being seen because they are starting to thicken around the middle.... or at least they think they are although it is usually invisible to me. Unless she is comfortable in her skin, she is not going to be comfortable showing anyone else too much of it.

Watching porn is a bit of a red herring, it seems to me. If it makes her uncomfortable there may be some linkage but liking porn (or not) is not an indicator of receptiveness to swinging, IMHO.

PS. Don't keep hammering away on this. You have made your point and believe me, she has heard it. You might be really surprised in a few months time when SHE raises the issue.

[DKent]

GrayGo, you're probably right about the body image thing too. I was going to add in my original post that a woman needs a good self-esteem and good self-image to feel comfortable putting herself "out there". I think most porn does nothing to help this as they usually portray models with tight, "perfect" bodies, tits by DuPont, stylishly shaved or trimmed pussies, and a look most women cannot match up with. Trouble is, we men do not necessarily require that look in our women, or even desire it (I for one am more into smaller breasts and a natural look, including unshaved pubes! Hail the groovy Sixties!).

I tell my 50-year old brunette, green-eyed wife, who is 5'2, 125 lbs, b-cup, and often mistaken for a 35-year old, just how pretty and sexy she is all the time - but regardless - she looks at herself in the mirror and finds fault. I guess our society is pretty brutal on a woman's self-image. Those who can overcome the marketing department's version of visual perfection are definitely better candidates for stripping off their clothes in the presence of strangers.

[havefuninsun]

Originally Posted by DKent

GrayGo, you're probably right about the body image thing too. I was going to add in my original post that a woman needs a good self-esteem and good self-image to feel comfortable putting herself "out there". I think most porn does nothing to help this as they usually portray models with tight, "perfect" bodies, tits by DuPont, stylishly shaved or trimmed pussies, and a look most women cannot match up with. Trouble is, we men do not necessarily require that look in our women, or even desire it (I for one am more into smaller breasts and a natural look, including unshaved pubes! Hail the groovy Sixties!).

I tell my 50-year old brunette, green-eyed wife, who is 5'2, 125 lbs, b-cup, and often mistaken for a 35-year old, just how pretty and sexy she is all the time - but regardless - she looks at herself in the mirror and finds fault. I guess our society is pretty brutal on a woman's self-image. Those who can overcome the marketing department's version of visual perfection are definitely better candidates for stripping off their clothes in the presence of strangers.

I do believe that most women are MUCH harder on themselves than any man would be ... men find beauty in most women; us women find our wrinkles. Go figure.

(groovy sixties -- LOL!)

[socolais]

Our recent experience agrees with your point about accepting nudity and I think there's one additional point that applies at least to us - "knowing that swinging will restore that newlywed feeling".

I think I accepted the social nudity quickly and easily. I think my display of confidence helped her find it comfortable too. Men are never really sure about how women think especially about body image. She has mentioned several times how a simple nudist party helped her by separating her mental obstacles so she could tackle them one at a time. She's still not completely comfortable being the center of attention while nude, but she can be quietly nude amongst other fun-to-be-around nudists.

My thoughts haven't gelled enough to be completely sure that the newlywed feeling would apply to most swingers that enter the lifestyle after many years of satisfaction with monogamy (or in some cases, the appearance of monogamy LOL!!). Our first visit to a houseparty was just to observe and absorb the sexual energy. That sparked a freshness in our passion for each other that made us want more. On our second houseparty (just last weekend), we played well with others - and HOLY SHIT!!! this feels GOOD!!!! We communicate with each other on a level we've never experienced before. Between the parties, we met with several couples that were regulars at those parties and got to know them in a vanilla setting. Each meeting contributed its unique impulse to our passion and gave us confidence that this was indeed a thing we wanted to explore.

To call that "the selling point" sounds a bit nefarious. I believe it's evil to manipulate someone against their will or well-being by using covert tactics. The inferred promise of intensified passion lured me toward swinging and I encouraged her to explore it with me. It took a while for her to recognise the energy and appreciate its value. Now, she's as eager to explore this new domain as I am....

Bruce

[DKent]

Bruce:

I agree - that intense sexual newlywed "buzz" you get while courting, or just-married, is what I hear all the time from swingers. How could you NOT want to have that a regular, ongoing part of your life? In fact, when I actually thought there was a slim chance my wife might be interested in just "looking into" the lifestyle, I had a bounce in my step and fullness in my pants - even during the day when she wasn't even there - that made me feel so alive, so charged with energy, so incredibly "in love" with her! And that was just on the slightest chance of her agreeing to think about it! I had a dumb grin on my face no matter how my day was going!

I tried to explain this to her, but how do you explain color to a blind man? Music to a deaf person? If it's totally contrary to anything within the scope of her reason, it no different than preaching Christianity to an atheist.

The nudity part, well, there is one thing pending on this topic. I had booked a couple of nights for us at the very popular Terra Cotta Inn in Palm Springs, Calif., while she was still trying to make sense of all this, and she agreed to it as long as she didn't have to disrobe herself. I told her it is "clothing optional", which means exactly the same as "nudity optional" and I'm perfectly happy with that. If she chooses to wear her swimsuit or whatever makes her comfortable, I'm just happy she's there with me, while my weenie is flapping in the breeze. And if she becomes too uncomfortable around all those naked people (it's NOT a swing club, but nudity implies sexual relations in her mind, I'm sure), we can retire to our room, or leave. No pressure, no expectations.

So, since that was long-ago booked and it's impossible to get a room there without booking many months in advance, we decided to keep the reservations and just go have a new experience. There are evening activities in Palm Springs we can visit if she's not comfortable at the Inn in the hot tub or whatever. I really do not expect her to "get into it", but people keep telling me you just never know.

[socolais]

There's a fundamental rule in the philosophy of swinging that we progress at the pace of the slower person. Remember who won the race between the tortoise and the hare - I learned everything I need to know in kindergarted, it's just that I have to keep repeating the lessons.

The pace she originally described to me sounded so slow I had a difficult time understanding how that might be fun. It took me a while to get on board with her pace and enjoy stopping to smell the roses along the path. The swingers we met were surprisingly tolerant of the snail's pace and I saw that they respected my decision to support her preferences.

It's slightly off topic but, in an ironic and totally unexpected twist, I got the feeling that our pace made us more desirable to some folks. I think it has something to do with the notion that we have a stronger want for things we can't quite get. She had an overwhelming amount of positive reinforcement from everyone she met and at every micro-step along the way. She bagan to see herself as attractive and that confidence showed in everything she did.

We're moving slowly and making measurable progress. I'm still initiating most of the decisions and she has a voice in steering the activities toward her preferences and she maintains line item veto power.

I think the most significant event in her conversion was when the other wife kissed me good night after one of our dinner meetings (it was a damn good kiss). We both got a good charge of sexual energy from that, although I have to admit I think I enjoyed it more that she did (and that's very likely to be BOTH shes). It's funny how something as simple as a kiss can make so much difference.

I can't say with any confidence that other folks will experience success by following a similar path. It appears to be working for us.

Bruce

[daisy girl]

Originally Posted by havefuninsun

There was a time when I enjoyed porn more than I do now. Probably because of our real-life activities. In fact, one night, we both fell asleep while watching one particularly bad "acting" flick (spitting on pussies is supposed to be a turn on??). Anyhoo, I get your point, though. And it does make a lot of sense.

Sounds like you've come to terms with your wifes desires -- I applaud you for that! Good for you!! I remember your having a time of it for a while ...

I think I enjoy porn less now because I am too busy "living it." I feel like a porn star!!

[des1re06]

I would like to commend you on your research.

Also, don't give up on her.

You see, it took my hubby 2 years just to talk me into going to a topless resort in Mexico, where there was no chance of me running into someone I knew.

Now, I'm a nudist, exhibitionist, swinger, and openly bisexual. I'm so thankful to him for not giving up on me.

Take it slow. You never know when that wild, sexy woman will return.

Mrs. D