Any Men Whose Wives Refuse to Even Consider Swinging?

[DKent]

OK, this is not as much for seeking advice (although I'm sure I'll get plenty!) as to commiserate with other husbands whose vanilla-minded wives simply will not even entertain the notion of swinging or anything beyond the realm of monogamous sex.
I know very well that swinging must be totally mutual between both spouses for it to be a positive experience. My motivation here is to enhance our fairly decent sex life. We're 52 and 50, married almost 28 years, two kids, our own business, and a great relationship. She's rather conservative, very modest.
I've always had a much greater sex drive than her and a need for more "out there" sex. I have indeed cheated on her our entire lives together, having many affairs, one-night stands, liaisons on business trips, even bisexual experiences. I've enjoyed it all, and have been immensely careful not to leave any clues or slip up, and she has no idea about my "other" life.
I truly love my wife dearly. She is still very sensuous and attractive, and I've taught her a few new things over the years, like enjoying the use of toys, and how to squirt.
Truth is, I do not have any guilt regarding my infidelity, but I'm tired of it. Too much effort and time wasted setting up secret rendezvous, etc. I want to experience the pleasures of non-monogamous sex WITH my lady by my side; I want to share it with her and not have to decieve her anymore.
I pondered it for months, studied the lifestyle, did voluminous research on the topic. I finally dropped the bomb on her on (of all days, you idiot!) Mother's Day! She exploded. No, she IMploded. Whatever, it was the most shocking, terrifying thing to ever happen to her in our relationship - she thought the dream was over. She was so scared, hurt, confused, repulsed. I finally had to backpedal and try to talk to her rationally and we went to marriage counseling only two days later (at MY behest, not hers!). I needed to be able to talk to her via the thrid party there. I needed to ease her pain. Anyway, things went well there, and we opened a new line of communication. She never suspected I was so...sexual..so kinky. This man she'd known almost all her life was different now in a way, and it still leaves her a bit muddled and confused.
She tried to learn what the attraction is. She even looked online at various swinger's sites, the Freedom Acres site, etc. She wanted to know what her man was interested in doing. She couldn't agree with any of the positives all you folks were preaching. She did suggest she might go to a club just for me, to "get it out of my system" , but she'll sit in the bar and interact with no one...maybe go back to the car if it's too much. What fun.
We've rarely watched porn; she has no interest in seeing other people having sex and it doesn't arouse her (so much for same-room sex). She doesn't have any fantasies about having sex with other people. She doesn't talk dirty and the word "fuck" is almost impossible to pry out of her mouth.
We do have reservations at the Terra Cotta Inn in Palm Springs in early November. It's a clothing optional resort and I hope she'll become a bit more comfortable around naked people. She's agreed to go but made it clear she intends to remain clothed. I told her that's fine. I'll be naked. I appreciate her even going with me.
Anyway, I wonder if there are other men on here with equally hopeless situations. I've all but resigned myself to the fact that I'll never get to indulge in that forbidden pleasure of outside sex WITH my wife there, enjoying it with me. It is deeply disappointing, and I like to believe that somehow, someday, she might come around on her own. But not too likely.
Comments? How do you handle this? Do you keep pressing? Did you give up?
Why exactly are you here reading the forum like me?
- DKent

[Fringeswinger]

Obviously you are not "the only one". My 44 yr old wife and mother of 3 will never swing. Its not in her nature, she isn't wired that way, she has no fantasies and is absolutely not interested in doing anything beyond what she has become accustomed to: 3 positions, no oral either giving or receiving, no anal, no toys, no fantasies, blah blah blah. Yes I have tried over the 17 years (15 married this year).

On a "sexually minded" scale of 1-10, she would be a 3, I would be an 8. I think about it all the time. She could take it or leave it. I have repressed my sexual needs and desires for many many years, resorting to porn and my own fantasies in "personal time". Fortunately, I have never cheated - that is something that is not in MY nature.

I have had deep, personal, private communications with several great members of this board. One is not a swinger, and has decided to remain that way. One was not a swinger, but became one after our chats. Another is not a swinger, but is seriously considering it. All of them gave great insightful advice, and it was very comforting to share stories and feelings regarding swinging and just sexual issues in general.

But bottom line, it's just not gonna happen, and I have learned to deal with it.

Given the nature of this board, its not suprising to think that swinging is either "fairly common" or that it will be "just a matter of time" before your wife comes around if you just plant the seed. Maybe, maybe not, I've only had one wife from which to glean experience, so what do I know? All I know is that in my case, in her own words "Not gonna happen, babe". Oh yeah, one more thing I know is that virgins and Catholic school girls are both, in my humble opinion, highly over-rated.

And why do I read this board? Its entertaining, its vouyeristic. I like to hear about the lives of the rich and famous too, but I'll never be one of them. And every now and then, I do feel qualified to voice an opinion and see where I stand among the more sexually experienced.

So that's my story. You are unique as is everyone else, but you are not alone. I'm purely guessing, but I'd think that for every "conversion" there are 100 "are you nuts?" responses from wives/husbands who will never swing.

Who keeps the stats on the % of swingers in the country anyway. I'd like to read that report.

Bill

[celtic239]

D
My wife and I are in our 50's and been married for 26 years. Like you I have done a lot of research on the web concerning the lifestyle. I've never had an affair/one night stand or any other laison during our time married. The fascination with the lifestyle is that I thought it would be somehting we could both enjoy. In order to spice things up and introduce her to the lifestyle we have gone on two vacations to Desire in Mexico (a clothing optional resort). She is becoming more comfortable being around naked adults in a sexual charged atmosphere, but she still doesn't like the in your face conduct.
In your case if your Mrs didn't care about your 'indiscretions' then you may want to visit one of the Hedo resorts in Jamacia where there are both singles and couples (Desires is a couples only resort). In this way you may find someone to play with even if your wife doesn't want to get involved.
I believe that the lifestyle, in its truest form, is a couples activity, so unless the wife agrees to play then it just won't happen. That doesn't mean that we will stop going to clothing optional resorts and hitting the hot tub

[tribbles]

celtic, why not take you wife to the adult clothing optional but no open sex resorts?

It's what DKent found. Look at http://www.aanr.com/ maybe some are in your area. I know there are good ones here in SoCal

D, stay away from the hot tub after 10pm is what I heard.

[socolais]

A year ago, my story would have sounded similar. I don't know if it's good advise or even if I should say it out loud for fear of sounding insincere, but it worked for me: Go have "honeymoon sex" with your wife and tell her you've been reading a swinger's forum and thought about how much you enjoy giving her a good time. Between boinks, brush up on your salsemanship skills (what's in it for her).

[VegasLee]

Let her read this thread you posted. I am sure she will be happy with her life and do anything you want after seeing what you said here.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

Let her read this thread you posted. I am sure she will be happy with her life and do anything you want after seeing what you said here.

Spoomonkey (who wondered how to say it - and bows to VegasLee for doing it so well)

[Alura]

There must be a lot of men whose wives refuse to even consider swinging. Hell, judging from the questions often asked on this board, most men are afraid to even ask their wives what they think of the idea.

If a couple can't communicate without fear, it's very unlikely that swinging will ever be a part of their adventures together.

Communicate first. Swing later.

Mr. Alura

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by DKent

Comments? How do you handle this? Do you keep pressing? Did you give up? Why exactly are you here reading the forum like me?
- DKent

I am here reading the forum because it's informational and there are others out there that have dealt or are dealing with the same types of things that we are.

There are things that my SO keeps bringing to the table at times and it irks me. Because it does seem like I'm being pressured and if my answers change then he will be informed.

And just to copy from your reply to a comment I made on your other post:

Originally Posted by DKent

Good point about her not being into swinging. I'd never want to jeopardize a wonderful marriage for the forbidden fruit of swinging....she is too beautiful and special a person and I'm still deeply in love with her! - DK

Honey, you have already jeopardized your wonderful marriage...do you plan on informing her of your activities while in therapy? If for the last 28 years you have been going behind her back to get your kicks, one of these days she's bound to find out. Or she may already know/suspect (intuition has a way of cluing you in...you may not know how or what, but you know it's something) and is waiting for you to come clean.

There are times in life where you can't always have your cake and eat it too. She is willing to go to the nudist resort, and that is apparently out of character for her, be happy that on some level she is trying to do something to please you that is way out of her normal comfort zone.

Good luck,

Maria

[Chicup]

DKent - Without getting into too much detail or being too judgmental, the core problem as I see it, is you approached from a selfish, what you want, standpoint and not what she wants.

The fact that you blindsided your wife with it, also shows you really don't understand what makes her tick. If you don't know how your wife will react to something after all these years you aren't paying attention.

[StacyCat]

I think Chicup hit it dead on. This entire post was selfish, all about what *you* wanted. You were even tired of cheating on her!

If fucking other people is that big of a deal to you, then get a divorce and do it honestly. Your wife has made no indication that she will ever be comfortable with this, and yet you continue to ask her to do things that will be more and more uncomfortable for her.

Grow up. Oh, and make sure you get a full panel STD test, those would be really hard to explain away.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by DKent

I've always had a much greater sex drive than her and a need for more "out there" sex. I have indeed cheated on her our entire lives together, having many affairs, one-night stands, liaisons on business trips, even bisexual experiences. I've enjoyed it all, and have been immensely careful not to leave any clues or slip up, and she has no idea about my "other" life.

I truly love my wife dearly.

Really??? :rollseyes

She never suspected I was so...sexual..so kinky. This man she'd known almost all her life was different now in a way, and it still leaves her a bit muddled and confused.

Who's fault is that? People only know what a person is willing to reveal about themselves. For 28 years you kept things/parts of yourself from your wife. Now you're shocked she's scared, hurt and confused? I'd say you're pretty damn lucky she's taking it as well as she is. After all....

She tried to learn what the attraction is. She even looked online at various swinger's sites, the Freedom Acres site, etc. She wanted to know what her man was interested in doing.

She's trying to understand you....are you trying to understand her?

She did suggest she might go to a club just for me, to "get it out of my system" , but she'll sit in the bar and interact with no one...maybe go back to the car if it's too much. What fun.

Doesn't sound like you are to me.

Truth is, I do not have any guilt regarding my infidelity, but I'm tired of it. Too much effort and time wasted setting up secret rendezvous, etc.

Had you put the same time and effort (that you now say was wasted time) into your relationship from the beginning, you might not be in the situation you now find yourself in.

People and relationships do change over time but...you're asking your wife to change EVERYTHING she has believed for 28 years overnight and, from what you've posted it doesn't seem like you're being very patient about it either. You want what you want and you want it now....so not cool. Not to mention....you're still not being honest with your wife...have you disclosed your numerous affairs to her?

Anyway, I wonder if there are other men on here with equally hopeless situations. I've all but resigned myself to the fact that I'll never get to indulge in that forbidden pleasure of outside sex WITH my wife there, enjoying it with me. It is deeply disappointing, and I like to believe that somehow, someday, she might come around on her own. But not too likely.
Comments? How do you handle this? Do you keep pressing? Did you give up?
Why exactly are you here reading the forum like me?

Yes, there are numerous men who find themselves in the same situation as you...basically because they don't open their mouths and TALK to their wives...when the thought first comes to their mind. Instead, they wait years and indulge in their secret fantasies alone never trusting in the one person, that they should be able to trust above all others, to maybe understand. Sometimes it works out...sometimes a wife can't get over being lied to for years and sometimes even those who do talk to their wife from the first thought find that it's just not something that their wife wants to do.

Swinging is NOT for everyone.


Teresa

[Gr8dad2]

Ok here goes.. been married 32.. almost 33 years.. we got started with our maid of honor for our wedding and progressed through 3somes both MFM and FMF.. and even a couple swap with at least three other couples.. I was in heaven she was the hottie of my dreams everything was perfect.. but one bad encounter and to this day I am not sure what specifically did it... she said thats it no more.. I have asked many times what happened but to no avail..the answer now is no way in hell.. and in fact she keeps getting more and more conservative and less and less interested in any sex So where does that leave me.. well over the years I have had to attempt outside activity alone which is very difficult since most swingers look at married guys alone as "dirty cheaters" and don't really want to hook up with them..but the search goes on.. finding a lady here and there that wants to enjoy life as much as I do.. but single ladies want more than us married guys can give.. thank God for the internet and we can fill our lives with pics and vids of others doing what I used to and for friends I have met and are understanding of how I feel and think and not look down on a lonely old pervert( I will be a dirty old man until I am a dead old man). I have a wonderful lady friend that is 2500 miles away from me that we are so attuned to each other. our lives are so similar just reversed with her husband being the vanilla person.. we share a lot .. we talk constantlt we share pics.. we cam .. we give what we can to make the other happy and yet we know the chance of us getting together is very remote.. I do adore her for all she has given to me .. and I know I have made her happier in her life.. But I still wish and want that physical attention that requires somebody close to touch and feel and please.. and maybe if I keep looking I will find that person and I WILL keep looking until forever.. so if anybody in the Philly area wants to talk or have a serious friend with benefits.. let me know.. I am on AOl at the same addy as I use here.. good luck to all

[DKent]

Great responses - thank you all, even those who bashed me for being a selfish pig, which I do not believe I am.

First of all, Bill, your wife sounds even more conservative than mine! Mine at least enjoys having oral performed on her, will do oral on me but not let me cum in her mouth, and she does anal, and we enjoy toys...so I guess whenever you think you've got it "bad", someone has it worse! Sorry, buddy.

Celtic - My Mrs. doesn't know anything about my "indiscretions" and I have no intentions of telling her! It would do nothing positive or productive. I am looking forward to going to the clothing optional resort with her later this year....even if she chooses to wear a parka, ski cap, galoshes and mittens in the Palm Springs sunshine! I'll just be happy that she's even there with me, indulging her "perverted" hubby in his silly sexual follies.

Socolais, so, what you're saying is that you actually, successfully convinced your wife to swing in the space of one year? Please elaborate! What did you do or say, how did you do it, what were her reactions, and what was the process like? Your first experience?

Vegas Lee - thanks, I know what you mean, but I'd have to edit out the parts about cheating on her for 28 years, as that won't go over well, even if I said I didn't want to do it anymore! I do tell her all the time how much I love her and am still turned on by her....

Maria - Yes, I know and agree and I've been careful - she doesn't suspect anything and I've never chosen to visit another woman instead of being with her for any reason. I only plan meetings when she is busy or away somewhere. I've never neglected my family or put my secret playtime above time with them. I've been a terrific husband and father. Maybe we men are just able to compartmentalize these things more than women...

Chicup - I do not feel I've been selfish - I truly want to share the joys of swinging with my wife! But if she would get no joy from it, and only go through the motions, I'd not enjoy it myself. It needs to be mutual! But yes, I definitely blindsided her with a concept I had been rolling around in my head for months. I felt like an idiot, thinking her reaction might be any different than it was! I was obviously obsessed with the idea and my mind crazed with the drug of pent-up lust! Running that day over in my mind now, it was totally out of my character and apparently, totally ignoring the liklihood of it blowing up in my face. But you know the old saying, "break an egg...make an omelet"? Well, after all was said and done, she is dressing a bit more feminine and being more creative in bed and open to trying new things...like the CO resort. So in the end, this might have been the breakthrough we needed to pull our sex life out of the doldrums.

TNT - Agreed, I tried to do too much, too fast. Like I said above to Chicup, I wasn't thinking rationally at all. I only thought I was! And yes, you are correct, as much as I want to think otherwise, swinging is not for everyone! The fact I'm reading all these forums and looking at pictures and immersing myself in this world from the outside, it distorts reality and makes guy like me begin to believe that swinging is "normal", "common", and far more widespread than the vanilla world would imagine. Truth is, it is a fairly exclusive and specialized community, and like a new religion, cult, or political party, it's nearly impossible to bring someone into it from the outside and have them embrace it with open arms. You either have the predisposition for the lifestyle and its requirements (a lack of modesty bordering on exhibitionism, a desire or willingness to have multiple sex partners, and a highly flexible mindset regarding long-held social mores and moral standards) or you do not.

GR8DAD2 - Ok, so you started out on the road to long-term swinging...I can imagine what a dream cum true it was - and then something happened. How could you not recall or be cognizant of something so objectionable in one encounter that it totally turned off your already swinging and open-minded wife? It had to be some pretty awful....and you never knew what it was? This needs a bit of explaining....

DKent

[VegasLee]

Of course you would have to edit what you wrote here if there was any chance your wife would see. You don't want her to know the truth about the man she has been married to all these years. The Truth would set you FREE! She would have your bags packed before you could turn off the computer if she really knew the man that she is married to.

You went to counseling yet you did not tell the truth there either. They can not help a relationship when they only have part of the facts. You went to save yourself and for no other reason.

You keep posting here hoping to feel better about what you have done to this women for so many years. Hoping that someone will say just the right thing to make her come around and be what you want her to be.

Actions speak louder then words. You tell her anything you want so that she will be happy with you but you have done nothing but lie and cheat on her from the start by your own admission.

Of course you don't see your self as the lying cheating dog that you are, you don't want to see that in yourself. You want your wife to love you for the person you are not to her and hope that she will be something she has no desire in being.

Keep making any and all excuses you desire to make and keep posting them, it does not change the FACTS of who you are and what you have done to your wife.

Go ahead, let her read this thread and let her tell me I am wrong. Nothing you can say could possibly give me a different view of who and what you are and I am betting this thread will give your wife a totally different view of who you are though.

Relationships should be based on Truth. Something that would be a totally new concept to you. Have the guts for once in your life to let your Wife be the judge of who and what you are!