Help, burning question!

Hi all,

I'm not a swinger and I apologize for stretching this forum a little but I hope you will bear with me and give me some insightful advices because I do have a burning question about swinging.

I know a guy and we have been intimate. We are not in a committed relationship. He is attached to another woman in a platonic relationship but I bear with him because I love him. We sometimes engage in conversations about swinging when we talk dirty and they made us aroused.

Last time he asked if I would go to a swingers party with him. I went to one before but did not participate. I only watched. I told him what I saw then I said I would go with him. But the next day I started wondering if he meant he wanted to go to a swingers party with me to watch or to swing with other people, I wasn't sure. So I asked him why he would want to share me with other men, just so if he actually didn't mean it that way, he would clarify. But he said he didn't know, maybe he wanted to see how much I liked it.

I felt devastated when I knew he actually would prostitute me because I never want to be with someone else. I ended up breaking up with him.

Am I missing something there? I just want to see if anyone can tell me if there are men out there who want to excite his women by introducing her to the lifestyle even though she never wanted to or was I just seeing an insensitive man who used me like an object? Please do not get me wrong, I do not have any disrespect for the lifestyle and I can see myself considering it if for example I'm in a very happy committed relationship with an open minded man. I just feel it's not appropriate for a casual relationship like him to ask me to do something like that. Your honest opinion is much appreciated.

A. from L.A.

[Alura]

First of all, from Oklahoma, A. from L.A.! We're glad you've dropped by. The folks here will be glad to try to answer your question, and they're really good at it!

In the meantime, you might try searching the archives where I'm sure you'll find several threads dealing with your question.

You'll find almost all the folks committed to the lifestyle are even more committed to their spouses or SOs. It is nothing like "prostituting" our mates; in fact, that's the last thing any of us would want to do. (Hmmmm... unless it was a fun game that added excitement... )

It's a pity y'all broke up. A better answer might have been to communicate about the idea, explore needs, fantasies and options. If nothing else, exploring swinging almost inevitably strengthens communication between couples.

Please register as a member. Otherwise you will not be able to reply to the posts of those trying to help. There will undoubtedly be questions of you by the members here.

Again, We hope to learn more about you!

Mr. Alura

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

I felt devastated when I knew he actually would prostitute me because I never want to be with someone else.

It is obvious from the statement above that swinging isn't something you are remotely comfortable with. I've never felt like I was "prostituting" my wife in any way. I think the real problem came up when he asked you to do something - and you agreed - without either of you discussing, really, what you were doing. He thought one thing - you thought another - and no one said anything about it until it was too late and the relationship was damaged.

Swinging takes communication. When you are open with your SO, then you know what the expectations are. That is what swing couples should be about. Heck - that is what all couples should be about, if you really think about it. Swinging or not, this is certainly a lesson you can learn for the next go 'round.

Spoomonkey

[dayhiker]

Hi A,
I'd agree that swinging isn't about prostituting ones mate. Its about quite a few things and I think a short conversation with your mate doesn't really tell you what is going on in his mind.
One thing is swinging and polyamous relationships are is both are ways of dealing with our relationships and sexuality that allow for a wider range of experiences. It says these relationships add to our life when done with responcibility, respect and honesty. So the love of monogamy is wided in a poly relationship to allow for loving more people. The sex in swinging allows ones sexual relations with our SO to include sexual discussion beyond just the two of you and then action is so desired. This variety and excitement can then bring excitement back to you own sexual experience and take away the feeling that a side ways glad by a husband at an other hot lady is a threat to your own relationship.

Well, hope that communicated.
dayhiker

[SouthBond]

It is great that you have such a loyal and committed idea of relationships. It will surprise you that swingers also have the same loyal and committed ideas. Of course there are some that hit and run but the majority view swinging as a recreational club filled with cooperation and respect. There are some people that just cannot break their rules of conduct and there are some that don't care about anyone but themselves. Neither one of those types can function effectively in the world of swinging. We, my husband and myself, feel that the majority of people have thoughts about having sex with other people. I would imagine that you harbor such ideas. My husband and I thought that we had a good sex life but found that swinging took it to a much higher level of excitement. It actually has provided us with the most fun that we have ever had in our lives. However, you have to use good judgment in selecting your playmates. If you blindly dive in, you may get hurt. You say that your male friend is in a platonic relationship with someone else but is going with you. Are you helping him cheat on his wife? If he can't find a sexual relationship with the other person but he can with you are you just being used. And now he wants to take you to a swingers club. Does he love you? What I am saying is that you have entered our clubhouse and called us prostitutes when you have issues yourself. Swingers are upfront with our desires. We are here to please and be pleased for the sake of sex. We do not like cheats.

[JustAskJulie]

Something I didn't see in what you told us was you actually telling him you were not interested in swinging. Until you tell him that, then he doesn't know. In that case he's not doing anything wrong, nor is he trying to push you into the lifestyle that you don't want to be in - because he doesn't know you don't want to do it. You've agreed so far to check things out, which leads him to believe you may be interested.

While there may be men (and women) out there who will push their partners into swinging when they know the partner is not interested, unless the partner has made it clear that they don't want any part of it, they have no way of knowing that. And when the partner is agreeing to visit a swinging club and not being straight-foward with them, they don't know that.

So if you have a problem with what he wants then I suggest you tell him honestly how you feel and see what happens from there.

[Lovethenights]

The most loving thing I have done for my wife is give her my permission to experience any level of sexual pleasure she could enjoy with another man or another woman. I know our relationship is strong and I am confident at the end of the evening (or weekend) she'll be coming home with me. She has returned the favor and indulged me by being in the room when I have had another woman or sending me to experience another woman with her blessing. If your relationship is strong and healthy and each of you is similarly strong and healthy, then lifestyle play can serve to enrich your sexual lives to the fullest measure. There were things in your note that threw up red flags for many, though, and before you consider going forward, please sit, talk, dicuss honestly and openly, your feelings and plans together.

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

I know a guy and we have been intimate. We are not in a committed relationship. He is attached to another woman in a platonic relationship but I bear with him because I love him. We sometimes engage in conversations about swinging when we talk dirty and they made us aroused.


A. from L.A.

This is what sent up the red sparks for me.

You need to figure out what kind of relationship you have with this person. He's 'platonically' attached to another woman, but the two of you have been intimate? You are in love with him, but you don't say if he feels the same.

Break it off with him, find someone that is yours and yours alone to be attached to. Once you are secure there...then by all means explore swinging, there is nothing about swinging that equals prostituting your partner....unless that's why there is a tip jar just inside the rooms, hmmmmm.... Ok, ok, I'm just kidding about the tip jar thing.

But seriously, you are not commited to this man, he obviously isn't committed to you, he wants a play partner and you are providing him with that. I don't know, but maybe the 'platonic' attachment, just won't have sex with him? I had a friend who was like that...had a girlfriend, she wasn't going to have sex with him before they were married, he went looking for other play partners while they were engaged for just that reason.

Good luck with this one....

Maria

[LAConfused]

I want to say thank you for all of your replies. I think all of them highlighted one thing: the importance of communication. I admitted I did not handle it well.

To answer Southbond's question, no, I'm not helping him to cheat. I believe he told me he was in a platonic relationship but he was not married nor with a girlfriend. I did not ask about the detail anymore because I did not feel he was comfortable to be asked. But Maria, thank you for bring up a scenerio that might resemble mine for me. Honestly I do not know, and I doubt if I'm in a position to know.

Anyway, that was a big piece of rock in my mind and finally he and I did catch up and talk about it. He understands now, and he's okay with that I am not for swinging. We agree we will no longer have sex but just communicate. So, I perceive it as an end of it.

Relationships do take a lot of communication.