Could swinging be a problem in relationships?

[Jake1178]

First post, so Hello all and thanks for reading.

I was with a girl a while ago and we did a one sided swing. I guess I could say I liked to watch, or just know she was getting it on with someone else. It was the ultimate tease, the best way to put it. We ended up splitting for other reasons.

I have been seeing another girl since then. She was a virgin until she met me, lets say she is very unexperienced in relationships. She has her head filled with all kinds of ideas of how she thinks it is suposed to be. First of all, I don't feel right being the only guy she has ever had. Secondly, she seems somewhat into the idea of another guy having her.

It just comes as a desire to see my girl with someone else. I am afraid it will hurt my relationships. Anyone else have this issue?

[DBL D]

Hello jake1178 and welcome to the board. There are lots of stories on this site on how swinging can damage relationships. Take a look around and read up...your girlfriend too! The separation of sex and love is primary as well as not being jealous of each other. Remember that your relationship with your SO is what matters the most. Swinging can't fix things. Swinging is best when done with another couple that you know loves each other, and they know that you absolutely love each other too.

Carry on with your education(s)!

Male D

[WesternSwing]

to the board Jake1178, glad you found us. You'll find lots and lots of great info here with just a few mouse clicks and a search or two.

In answer to your question though: it sounds to me that since your girlfriend was a virgin prior to meeting you and has the societal norm idea that love=sex and sex=love, it may be hard to bring her up to your level of sexual understanding in a quick manner. She is still in the "I have to love someone to have sex with them" because that is how Western culture is raised to believe.

So this may be a tough one for her to handle. She is going to have to get over the basic guilt that society has put upon women for liking sex and being sexual. This probably won't happen overnight.

The best advice I can tell you is that if you care at all, to take it at her pace and don't push anything she isn't ready for. You, my man, will make or break how she looks at sex and relationships for the rest of her life. Big responsibility, huh? Well, that's part of being a "first" for someone.

Mr. WS

[Jake1178]

I suggested it, but she seems to like the idea. She just doesn't know how to go about it, probally why she didn't get any until she was 26. When it comes to "forbidden" things, she is realy scared to go after them. She has this fantacy of a guy comming to her door and just coming onto her and taking her. (you know that classic cable repairman fantacy) Well, that is very unlikly to happen like that. I am afraid I am pushing it. However, we were talking tonight and she brought it up, I guess that is a sign.

[SouthBond]

I wonder how old your virgin girlfriend was at the time you deflowered her. I would guess that the reason she was a virgin was because she held the intimate act of sex between a man and a woman to have a great deal of value. Not just a physical act to gain personal gratification. I have seen several posts on this forum where people that are dating in the early stages of their relationship and are also into swinging. I just don't buy it. You need to be screwing each others brains out and not worrying about finding someone else to bang. I am under the impression that you are just using her to gain access to other women by using her as something to trade. I really doubt that you give two cents about her. After you have been in a relationship for several years and gotten bored with the routine of the same old sex, then you start swinging. There are some really neat people on the Swinger's Board and there are some really sick puppies. Be careful you are not led off on to a path that will lead to problems.

[des1re06]

gotten bored with the routine of the same old sex

I have to disagree with this one. This is not why we swing. Our sex life is even better at 10 years, and we never got bored with each other.

Mrs. D

[VegasLee]

Originally Posted by SouthBond

After you have been in a relationship for several years and gotten bored with the routine of the same old sex, then you start swinging.

Everyone I know that has started swinging for this reason is now divorced and I know for a fact that the day that Laura becomes bored with me our Swinging days will be over and chances are so will our marriage.

Anyone that swings to "fix" something in their relationship is going to end up not having a relationship.

[Lovethenights]

Relationships are about exploring each other and learning whether you can love and care about the other person to develop a desire to live with her the rest of your life. Since you didn't say you were engaged or married, this is the time to learn about your girlfriend and what she's all about. Talk with her openly and honestly about her feelings when she brings up swinging and then be scrupulously honest when you tell her about your feelings and motivations. If she recoils in horror and runs screaming out the door at what you think and feel, then you're vastly better off finding out about it now than later. On the other hand, if she's willing to experiment and indulge her own fantasies and then finds out she's completely comfortable with the lifestyle, you have a wonderful woman and a chance to live a dream. The main thing is BE HONEST with her, even if it means telling her truths that you think might curl her hair. Anything less with respect to sex and the lifestyle will inevitably resuly in hurt feelings at best and disaster at worst.

PS - I agree that swinging is an enhancement to a relationship and not a medication for boredom. When we swing, it's to add to our sexual lives, not replace or treat them for anemia...
PPS - If she seemed to have been suffering from the religious proscription of having sex for fun, an all-too-common condition in the US, then get her a copy of the book called Divine Sex. It sets the record straight on what sex is and isn't supposed to be. If you've any religious background, it'll amaze you at what the Bible really says about sex. For me, it completed a line of thought I'd been developing for years and finally reconciled a lifetime of sexual desires and urges...