how to say no without hurting thier feelings?

[curiousswingers]

Ok so we went to this meet&greet party sunday and were having a good time, things got a little wild, doing belly shots, showing thong, breasts ect. we met this other couple and were having a good time with them and another couple kinda joined , not really invited, still no biggie but when the wife and I started to kiss, the other wife kept trying to get in on the action and then her hubby grouped me too, it all happend so fast and I didn't really know how to tell them what they just did was not appropriate or wanted. She was being very pushy all night as well, they were fun to hang with but there was no attraction there. My question is should we have said something earlier? And what would you say exactly? Not interested? but they didn't really (at that point) do anything but chat and shots with us. I don't like to be snobby or mean but I also don't want people thinking that just because I am kissing another woman and you are there you can do the same. Am I making any sense? What is the right thing to do in a situation like this? How do you say we don't want you here? In a nice way?
Thanks all

[VegasLee]

Well, as the husband I tend to observe if someone is moving in on Laura when they are not invited and I don't have a problem putting a stop to it. We are there to have fun and refuse to let others get in the way of that. I normally will quickly advise that if not invited, don't touch just in those words.

Laura is also very good at just pushing someone away rather then saying anything. If they don't take that hint then the look I get from her will let me know it is my turn to take care of something if I do happen to miss it the first time around.

Your party, your fun. For some reason ladies feel they are not to be held by the same rules as men. If your not invited, don't touch.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by curiousswingers

...but when the wife and I started to kiss, the other wife kept trying to get in on the action and then her hubby grouped me too, it all happend so fast and I didn't really know how to tell them what they just did was not appropriate or wanted.

When you're in this situation - getting playful with another swinger - you have more to consider when deciding how to handle the unwanted person trying to get too close for your comfort.

I'd like to know how the other woman (woman #2, who you were interested in) reacted when woman #3 tried to join in your kissing? How she reacted does play into how you would handle this. Woman #3 may have been getting a cue from #2 that it was okay to join in.

I do think it's important to get your message across as soon as you know you're not interested in someone's advances. How you do this does depend on whether you're being approached while by yourself or with another person.

Was the man groping woman #2 as well?

If you could answer my questions I'll tell you how I would have handled the situation.

LM

[curiousswingers]

The 3rd woman was not welcomed by the 2nd woman either nor did the husband grop her.

My husband at the time was doing a belly shot so he did not catch what had happened. Until I mentioned it too him after. We the other woman and I did however both on several occasions try to ignore her and turn the other way, but i was feeling like this was being rude as well, just a tough situation because at first they were fun to hang with just no attraction there. thanks again for the advice.

[LikeMinds321]

Thanks for the additional information.

Since it was obvious to you that woman #2 wasn't interested in #3 butting in, I would have focused all my attention on #2. Presuming you were both busy kissing, I would have taken #2 in my arms a little tighter and pivoted us a bit to pull us away from #3. If the third woman can't take the hint, she's going to have to be given another hint. What that would be depends on what happened next.

If I'd have to give a second hint I might smile and say to her, "Sorry, I want her all to myself," and express it in a way that was playful and naughty, but hopefully that would finally get the message across.

The thing about being in a club is that the music is usually so loud that being heard can be impossible unless I'm yelling in someone's ear, and so I find that what I do with my body, a signal with my hand, a shake of my head "no" or a look I give is how I communicate. When I speak in a loud environment I say only a word or two, a sentence at most, if I want to be understood easily when sending a 'not interested' message.

Not wanting to hurt feelings or reject someone is understandable and when starting out it's a big worry. But you'll learn that getting comfortable with letting people know when you are not interested is so important. You learn by doing. Try different ways of handling situations and in time you'll find it becomes natural. Let people know sooner than later. It's like removing a BandAid - it feels better to rip it off quickly than slowly and extend the discomfort.

And regarding getting groped by the husband, I have no patience for that. I'd slap his hand away if he'd not yet removed it and give him a "that's a no-no" look and he'd get the message right quick.

LM

[DBL D]

Also, it helps to have some good experienced friends around. If you don't have them then make some good ones fast.

LM321 you are right on. The phrase, "I want her/him all to myself" should speak volumes and, it beats getting physical with someone, although I have heard some stories....

Male D

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by curiousswingers

we met this other couple and were having a good time with them and another couple kinda joined , not really invited, still no biggie but when the wife and I started to kiss, the other wife kept trying to get in on the action and then her hubby grouped me too, it all happend so fast and I didn't really know how to tell them what they just did was not appropriate or wanted.
....
What is the right thing to do in a situation like this? How do you say we don't want you here? In a nice way?

Hi! I know exactly what you mean. During the talking/mingling time, people can seem so nice and friendly, but once some kissing or groping or some sort of sex gets started, there always seems to be some people who think that it's okay to just jump on board. This is very aggressive, in my opinion, to just jump in on some action without being clearly invited. But, a lot of people do it, both men and women. I've learned to watch behind me with my third eye, because people come up behind and just grab, grope or fondle!

The last time we played at a club, we were with another couple (the four of us). The other lady was facing me and slightly bent over. A couple none of us knew at all just came up behind her, and the woman started fondling her ass (my friend never saw it coming). She nearly jumped out of her skin! She had to say something to the woman to make her stop (something like, "NO THANKS, I'm occupied"). The intruder and her husband looked kind of miffed and walked off. Because I've had similiar things happen to me from behind (usually some guy), I pretty much keep my back to the wall now!! This whole situation is my biggest pet peeve. House gatherings can be similiar, once the action gets started.

You want to be nice, I know. But it's terribly rude of people to just think that once you're going at it, you'll be too turned on, too distracted, or just too nice to tell them to butt out.

Don't let this problem scare you off, though. Just know that it happens, be prepared, watch your back, and don't be shy at all to stop anything that you're not 100% into. Try to say something or avoid them the moment you see it coming. It took practice for me to have the heart to speak right up.

A good deterrant to unwanted aggressors is to go into a private room as soon as you and somebody are getting things started - if it's possible.

Hugs!

[curiousswingers]

Thanks guys for the great advice, I think like you said it will just take some time to find out what works in various situations. It is just very annoying when you are having a good time and someone tries to get in on it uninvited and even after turning from her, (at one point I completely walked away and sat in a chair with my back to her) she would still come up and grind on my leg or back. OH well live and learn I guess.

[DBL D]

One thing I was going to say was that when something like this happens, you sorta think it will happen that way each time. That feeling exists even when it was a very positive experience.

Well, it doesn't.

Different mix of people and where you are in that mix will make a difference. This is a good place to remind you that No always means No. Don't be afraid to use the No word even if you might be interested in them for another time. Maybe someday in the future they will understand that.

Having said all that, if this is happening at house parties, go to another venue. Now that you have had this experience, you will also know questions to ask future hosts regarding this kind of thing.

The private room is always a good idea too.

Male D

[BCinIN]

Some people do have a tendency to just sort of involve themselves uninvited. Some other people also go to clubs fantasizing about anonymous people unexpectedly involving themselves in a sexual situation--and while they won't stop someone, they won't invite them either, and may even resist half-heartedly, but never firmly. This isn't my thing, so I don't know too much about it (I've never even wanted to get involved with anyone who hasn't oh-so-clearly invited me). But I'm going to be nice to all the uninvited partners out there and assume that they think everyone else is one of the people that wants them to butt in. Or something like that.

This whole situation, though, makes it essential that when someone does something you don't want, you tell them in no uncertain terms to stop. I will first smile and say "no, hey, I'm not into that, cut it out" with a chuckle, but while shaking my head. This gives them an easy opportunity to remove themselves from the situation without any embarrassment, and it also keeps me on as good terms with them as they want--i.e., they might take the hint, butt out, and come back later to chat in a non-sexual setting over a drink or something. With nice people, it's important (to me, anyway) to keep the door open to a good social time if at all possible; and with nice people, usually they'll understand and continue to be friendly. If, however, they weren't nice people, and kept getting pushy (no one has with either of us, and I've heard it's exceedingly rare), they'd get embarrassed, quickly and thoroughly.