Our First Swing and Questions

[Danixxx]

Hi Everyone,

I posted awhile back introducing myself. Well, Saturday we had our first experience. Overall things went very well. We met a couple at the club and they had a room at the hotel. After the club closed, we went up to the room, they had some drinks and porn going on. It didnt take long to get into a full swap, exactly what we were looking for. We had a really good time. Now...to the questions I have.

For as long as my husband and I talked about this, set our rules, etc. they all pretty much went out the window in the heat of the moment (and after having far too many drinks). One thing I was adament on was there was to be no kissing. Suddenly I found this guy kissing me and me not knowing how to tell him this was a NO NO. My husband didnt mind, it wasnt his rule, but it was one that was very important to me and I let it happen. I was really angry at myself the next morning. The other thing I definitely did not want was for the guy to cum in me, condom or not. It just seemed to personal, going along the lines of, when my husband and I were dating, he always pulled out, even up to when we were married, until we were ready to have children. So, it just seemed if I didnt allow my own husband to do it until a certain point, I didnt want anyone else to either, kwim? Anyway, I specifically told the guy that and he did it anyway, saying he didnt have time to get out. It really bothered me. We would like to get together with this couple again, is it okay to go back and reoutline the rules even when they have been broken, or is it best to move on to another couple?

And last, when we were getting ready to leave, the guy asked my husband if we could exchange cell numbers. I said we could take his, but I didnt want to give him mine. (I dont know why really) So my husband programmed his phone into mine and while doing so accidently called the guy's phone. Of course that meant he had my number now. He called yesterday and left a message just saying he had a good time and hoped to see us again, etc. But then today, he called again. I saw his name and let it go to voicemail and he left a message specifically for me saying he was thinking of me since Saturday and I was so good and he couldnt wait to see me again. This also bothers me. I do not want another man calling me! So, is this just again, redefining the rules??

Thanks for listening...

D

[LikeMinds321]

Hi D ~

Welcome to the Board!

IF you decide to play with them again you've got to redefine the rules immediately, before meeting. At this point it might be hard to get your playpartner to go back to no kissing and no cumming inside you. I don't think there are many men who want to swing wth those rules; he pushed it and you gave in without objection (from what it sounds like) at the time you played. I do think his cumming in you was intentional on his part. He broke the first rule and figured he could get by breaking another.

Something else that is going to get in your way with the no kissing rule is that it's only your rule and not your husband's. If he kisses and cums inside his playpartner other couples won't be keen on this imbalanced rule. Think about it, how many men who know their wife is getting kissed and cum into will be satisfied playing with you if they can't do the same to you?

You're not pleased with how you let your rules slide, but I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. Think of it as a lesson learned and consider if it makes sense to hold yourself to such guidelines. You aren't looking for a husband, you're looking for sex and swinging is different than dating a man you hope to marry one day.

As far as the guy calling you twice and you not wanting him to call, you and your husband should get that rule adherred to and let this guy know pronto. Explain the mix up in the call that was made to him so he knows you weren't trying to reach him. He might think you want to chat - or even worse - do it without the knowledge of your husband.

LM

[The Fuse]

Everything LikeMinds said is right on the money IMO.

A few thoughts of my own to add:

First of all, try to keep alcohol to a moderate number of drinks. We all know that getting drunk "helps" us do things we wouldn't otherwise. 'Nuff said about that.

About the husband of the other couple breaking your rules... I'm assuming you told him/them the rules in advance? Obviously if you didn't, they wouldn't have known they were breaking them. Assuming you did, think about what that says about his/their level of respect for you. Someone who steps past not one, but two boundaries you've said are important to you, sounds like they are not respectful.

Something might have happened that mitigates what happened with the kissing and the orgasm inside you. We don't know the whole story; we weren't there. Only you can decide whether they are interested in taking your needs into consideration as well as satisfying their own.

What it comes down to is... you teach people how to treat you. If you set rules and then don't hold the line on them, the rule-breakers know it's okay to do it.

You also might want to think about how aggressive this guy is. Is his pursuit of you uncomfortable? Be careful... drama can easily follow. Make sure he knows you play as a couple only.

I'm really glad you had a great time and want to swing some more. Good luck and have fun!

[good times]

While I agree completely with what Likeminds said I would add the following as food for thought.

I think the first thing you have to do is ask yourself how important these rules are to you. What you have experienced has happened to most of us.

When we haven't had any experience yet, we make a bunch of rules that seem reasonable to us at the time. Once we actually start swinging it isn't long until you find out that some of the rules you made are unworkable. At that point you have to decide if the rule is really all that important. If it is, then you have to make sure that if it is broken you enforce your rule immediately. If you decide, like most of us have, that some of these rules just aren't important enough to make a big deal about, then drop them and move on.

The problem with rules like your no kissing rule is that, for a lot of people, myself included, this is a deal breaker. If someone tells me they have a no kissing rule, I would pass on playing with them no matter how compatible I thought they were otherwise. This is the problem that arises when you make the rules based on no experience, you don't take into consideration how potential play partners will react to your rules. Once you get some experience under your belt, it becomes obvious to most that if they are actually going to get people to play with them, they have to achieve a reasonable balance in their rules with what is comfortable for them and is also acceptable with others. In other words, if you have rules that take the fun out of playing, like the no kissing rule or the no cumming inside you in a condom, you are probably going to have a much more difficult time finding playmates that will play with you. Because these are things that most people would feel need to be included to have a complete sexual experience, they will either refuse to play with you or end up breaking the rules in the height of passion either inadvertently or on purpose.

When we started out we had enough rules that if they were written down they would have made a small pamphlet. After our first play experience they got whittled down to about a half a page. After a few experiences were under our belt they got reduced to two basic rules, "everybody have fun" and, "we both play or nobody plays". Basically, the conclusion we finally came to was that many of the rules we had really served no useful purpose but often limited the fun.

I am not saying you have to do what we did and eliminate all of your rules. I am just suggesting that you keep an open mind and be ready to reevaluate your rules form time to time, especially if they seem to be more trouble than they are worth.

[iapr]

Ditto to everything the others have said but I will add that I think you should dump this couple. He didn't follow the rules and now he is calling you on your personal phone against your wishes. I know there are a number of mitigating circumstances here (there always will be) but the bottom line is rules got broken and now you are distressed with the situation....Case closed, give them the boot then go back to the drawing board and start over. We all have a soft spot for the first people we played with but there are a lot of fish in the sea. Dump this one and find another couple.

But first you need to have a big sit down with your husband and get your own shit together as a couple then get back in the game and find another couple that will follow the rules so that you will all be happy and grinning from ear to ear the next morning rather than in a state of distress and writing to us about how you are kicking yourself in the butt.

The important point to make is for you and your husband to get on the same sheet of music so you are a unified front. Once you are both on board you need to state your rules and boundries up front before the play begins and then if anyone tries to cross the line you both cry foul and throw the penalty flag together. the reason this dude is calling you is knows he can have his way with you and nothing will happen. If both you and your husband stated the rules up front then called him on it when he tried to push it he wouldn't have tried to come within ten miles of you.



Now I will also agree with good times in that you need to evaluate your specific rules from time to time and make adjustments as you become more comfortable and confident in yourselves and your place in the lifesyle. The fact that you state kissing is a no no and your husband is not bought off on that strikes a nerve with me as that is exactly how my wife and I were. She was adament that there would be no kissing and I could never bring myself to sign off on that one. 5 minutes into our first encounter I was smooching up a storm and pretty much came out and said if there was no kissing then what is the point? Anything else would just be a cold passionless fuck.

She realized she felt the same way I did and capitulated and has not looked back or regretted it once. I am not trying to push my values off on you but I think a lot of this no kissing stuff goes back to Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman not kissing her johns because "kissing is emotional." Yeah well we are not prostitutes and johns. We aren't fucking for money or paying people to drain our tanks for us. We are consenting adults engaging in mutually enjoyable recreational sexual activities. It is ok to have some emotional connection and enjoyment. You are not going to fall in love with some guy just because you did a little tonque tickling. Those are just my thoughts, you do what works for you.

the important thing here is he broke your rules and your trust is harrassing you now and for that he should be kicked to the curb. Then you and your husband need to agee to back each other up and then start over.

[Danixxx]

Thank you everyone for your replies and opinions. My husband and I talked about everything last night and I agree with 99% of everything you all posted. I know in part this whole clusterfuck was mainly my fault. I did not want the kissing and when it started, something in me just turned into a teenager who was going with the flow instead of speaking up right then and there. I agree now that the cumming inside is a silly rule and as one poster said, how on Earth did I expect the guy I was with to respect that (or enjoy me fully) when my husband was across the room doing it? Dumb rule, thrown out now. We mainly decided that since we enjoyed this particular couple so much, we are going to redefine the few rules we now stand by, which are mainly we only play together and if the male part of this couple feels he needs to maintain telephone contact, it will be handled through my husband for now. We are keeping the kissing rule for now, by both of us. I just do not feel comfortable kissing someone other than my husband for now. As many of you stated, it is probably a rule that will evolve later on, but for now, we are both going to stick to it. Thanks again for all of the advice!

Dani

[iapr]

Originally Posted by Danixxx

Thank you everyone for your replies and opinions. My husband and I talked about everything last night and I agree with 99% of everything you all posted. I know in part this whole clusterfuck was mainly my fault. I did not want the kissing and when it started, something in me just turned into a teenager who was going with the flow instead of speaking up right then and there. I agree now that the cumming inside is a silly rule and as one poster said, how on Earth did I expect the guy I was with to respect that (or enjoy me fully) when my husband was across the room doing it? Dumb rule, thrown out now. We mainly decided that since we enjoyed this particular couple so much, we are going to redefine the few rules we now stand by, which are mainly we only play together and if the male part of this couple feels he needs to maintain telephone contact, it will be handled through my husband for now. We are keeping the kissing rule for now, by both of us. I just do not feel comfortable kissing someone other than my husband for now. As many of you stated, it is probably a rule that will evolve later on, but for now, we are both going to stick to it. Thanks again for all of the advice!

Dani

Sounds like you are getting on the right track. The important thing is that you and your husband are in agreement and on the same sheet of music.

[JTcamp05]

I hate to say it but you set unrealistic "rules" ....and at the on set of your adventure they were out the window..... I think its a common error..... who really wants to have sex and not kiss......

Sounds to me like you enjoyed this couple and want to continue..... Best of luck to you both!

[lovinher]

While I agree that no kissing and no cumming inside of you (with a condom)were unrealistic, the fact remains he violated those rules knowing you had them. If they were too restrictive for him then they should have passed on any play with you. I don't buy it that he didn't have time to pull out. I would also be wondering why the guy is calling YOU. If this happened to Lovinhim, he and I would have had a private talk. I don't care how much you like the guy, I would be having second thoughts.
Only you can make that call.

But then today, he called again. I saw his name and let it go to voicemail and he left a message specifically for me saying he was thinking of me since Saturday and I was so good and he couldnt wait to see me again. This also bothers me.

It should.

[Tia Vampire]

Too bad you guys did not let your rules known before the heat of the moment. Yes, i would let them know of your rules before you guys met up again. I know you do not want to speak to him over the phone, but this is something you would want to take care of before you guys meet up again. Are they members of sls? Maybe you could just message your rules to them and see where it goes from there. Good luck

[lovinher]

Anyway, I specifically told the guy that and he did it anyway.

That should have been enough.

[good times]

You know, if you don't feel comfortable with the guy calling you all the time, just tell him so.

This is actually pretty common, Mrs. GT and I were just discussing it earlier this week. A few of her play partners call her daily or more and while it doesn't bother me, I can't say I really understand it because I have never had that compulsion to call any of my play partners. In my case it could just be that I talk on the phone all day at work, why would I want to do it on my time off. I also am more of a face to face type person, I rarely talk to my friends on the phone except to arrange to get together face to face. On several occasions Mrs. GT's play partners have called her and asked her to lunch, perfectly innocent I am sure, but it bothered me none the less. So, we just told them we didn't feel comfortable with that, and that was the end of it. Communication is not only important with each other but with play partners too.

[swingcouple69]

We only have but one experience under our belt but I thought I could offer my opinion anyway..LOL Our first experience was with a couple that we had been in contact with for a while. But we all talked about everything under the sun except everyone's rules. While our playtime was exceptional (it was our first of course), we all decided we could have had much MORE fun had we all known the rules. This couple has been swinging for sometime now and were so respectful that Hubby and I had wondered if the were "really into." But in talking with them afterwards (they have helped me thru some feelings I was having) they told us that they didn't want to cross any boundaries. If we would have all shared boundaries and then "He" broke them, I wouldn't ever play with them again. I can only amagine what my Hubby's reaction would have been had "He" broken our boundaries on purpose. Also, I would be VERY upset with MY Hubby if he broke another couples rules on purpose. Now you broke the kissing rule on your own so I can't back you there.

We do talk to "Him" and "Her" but we are good friends now and had become friends through contact before "playing." They have invited us to visit (we haven't had time to go) and we have discussed our next "play date." But NEVER has any of the four of us made comments to any other about "thinking about him/her." While I'm sure its natural, especially if you enjoyed the experience, to think about "the next time." But can't amagine any of us saying "I've been thinking about you." We have said to each other that we are excited about the "next time" but all of us all together. If you are uncomfortable with "Him" talking to you that way, I would tell "Him" straight up about it. However, I don't think that if he is "thinking about you" playing with him again will make that go away. If anything I would think that would make "Him" think you feel the same way.

Just some thoughts from a newbie :-)