could my wife be bi ???

[prettylady]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

Help to make her life easier. In the evening, tell her to go relax, take a bath, unwind while you do the dishes and get the kids ready for bed, pack their lunches for tomorrow (or whatever). A relaxed woman who is being supported that way is likely to have a chance to recharge her batteries and get herself in the mood for sex. If you don't know what you can do to help her relax and just help her in general, ask her. Don't make that conversation about sex, just ask her, "Honey, what can I do to help out around here and make your life easier?"

I can not agree with this point more.
I was an under appreciated wife. I did it all, kids, meals, cleaning, working full time. He worked, played baseball, hockey, golf, stag and doe parties. So I guess ya our lives were equally busy.
But when I met Dog it was....well weird. The first time he came over for dinner I prepared dinner and he stood in the kitchen the entire time chatting with me, not watching tv. Then after dinner HE cleared the table and washed the dishes while I prepared deserts. It has been the same ever since. I LOVE when he holds me from behind when we do up the dishes together. I love the fact that the tv and computer does not get turned on unless everything is cleared up and we are both ready to watch tv(or what ever is happening that evening).
Little things like this will have an effect. It may not be mind blowing sex right away, but it could be the appreciation, that will lead to tenderness, that will lead to making love, that will then lead to mind blowing sex.
**Making love and mind blowing sex are on even par with me in the "What makes a good marriage great" department. I would guess and "old school" girl may have issues with the mind blowing sex part, but be all in for making love.

I am also on board with the "get over the gay thing" issue. My sex life while married was.....good lord I have no words to discribe the level of ICK factor. I was tired and he was an ass.
I am not suggesting you are an ass, just that there are other factors that determine sex drive besides orientation.

If you have read more then one advice thread or post then my next point is just a repeat of great advice given by fantastic people. Communication is key.
I had no communication in my marriage, then Dog came around and after a few months I can talk about anything with him. I started with letters and emails to get my thoughts across to Dog because I was uncomfortable putting into words. It was a slow progression from NO communication to open communication, but if you both want to be truly happy it is a road well worth taking.
Best wishes to you both
Your friend,
Prettylady

[prettylady]

Sorry for the double post, but I just had one more thought
If your wife is not gay, or is gay and not ready to admit it to herself yet. Then pushing the issue or even bringing it up could be putting any chance for you to be getting any in the near future completely gone. If she is "old school" the thought that she maybe or you think she is, might be upsetting or even disturbing to her.
Inside the lifestyle bi sexuality is accepted as quite norm. Us "strait" girls are the exception. But outside of the lifestyle bisexuality is a "sick little fantasy" that strait guys have about women. That is very likely how she see's bi sexuality. When Dog and I first started in the lifestyle I had a NO BI clause with Dog. I soon learnt that just because the woman is bi does not mean anything more then she likes to have sex with both sexes. I am now comfortable with bi sexuality, but it took sometime. I would freeze up and get sulky when ever Dog said anything remotly suggestive about bi sexualy to me. You know what sulky girlfriend leads to....yep, a cold shower and a hand cramp.
If she is bi, let her figure that out for herself in her own time. When she is ready be supportive and loving. If she isn't bi, then drop it.
Your friend,
Prettlady

[LikeMinds321]

Another thing to consider is that you may have never been sexually compatible.

What was sex like between you two before you got married? Since you mention "feeling shorted" on your honeymoon and there never has been a history of great sex, I've got to wonder if you didn't give enough importance to being matched well sexwise.

After 18 years she's got to be in the habit of handling sex the same old way. And as others have said, if she's not interested in changing that, she won't.

I think wondering if she's bi or a lesbian is pointless, when the real problem is her lack of interest in sex and what to do about it.

Maybe there is something about you and how you are sexually that isn't appealing to her. She would have a difficult time admitting this to you, but it is another angle to consider.

LM

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by ebarz

I agree on many suggestions as a matter of fact I feel I have been doing most of those things since day one.

As many posters have suggested, has she had her hormone levels checked? If she just doesn't have a normal level of sex-drive-inducing hormones, it might not matter too much how many dishes you do.

And I wouldn't just ask her normal ob-gyn, unless he or she has a reputation of helping women with sex-related problems. Many doctors still tell women "It's all in your head", even in this day and age. Pisses me off to no end.

[ebarz]

Thanks to all who took the time to reply, Intuition you are correct, that is only one side of the story. I would have to admit that I am probably over driven, sexually. I need it often... How much is normal?? I'm sure that varys greatly , I know it does between the two of us. My problem is if I quietly wait for her to come around it will literaly happens once or twice a month! I need it once or five times a week! And it seems that if I take matters into my own (hands) it only adds to my fustration. Is that normal?? When I try to come on to my wife, and get turned down once, twice, three times.... I just feel like --- fine keeeeep it.. I'm not good at begging, to any one.. I tend to get kinda grumppy and down right hard to live with. Its either that way, or she gives it-machanically just to keep the peace but no feeling and that isn't hardly worth it either. I will try some of the suggestions. I'm tempted to tell her about this web page and let her read it but I don't know if that would be hurtful? I love this woman, and I do find her attrative and desirable. Any suggestion on how to curb my sexual appitite?? Short of casteration!!! Thanks, I wish everywhere was as laid back and cool as this forum.

[intuition897]

I'm all for honesty, ebarz, and within our own relationship, it's the only way. In your situation, Mr. intuition would be hurt if I didn't disclose what I had been doing or saying on a website. He'd be hurt if I tried to hide it from him. But I don't know your wife. I'd suggest bringing her to the forum because it would be useful to hear her side of the story. We're a relatively harmless bunch, and we just like to help. But that may be irrelevant. She may be pissed that you're discussing your problems with complete strangers. I think the things you've said about her show nothing but concern for her, for yourself and for your relationship. You're frustrated, sure. But it sounds like you're not finding her easy to approach about it. Maybe it would help her to register her own username and give her side of things. It would be nice to get to know her.

[The Fuse]

I feel for you, ebarz. I have a close friend in your situation. Seeing him frustrated frustrates me in turn. Like you, he loves his wife very much. I hope that together, you and she can work it out so that everyone is happy enough.

Best of luck, stick around, and we hope to hear from your wife too, if you think she would like reading here. Intuition had a good point that she may not like you discussing your problems with strangers. Of course, none of us know you...so hopefully that would help.

[DBL D]

Hey ebatz,

I must admit, I haven't read all the posts but I have read your first and last ones. Has the subject changed? LOL

About whether your wife is gay...I sure hope not. That leaves you out completely sexually. Rather it seems as though you are relating to one thing she said and hoping like hell it's the reason for the lack of sex between you two.

What she needs is a hot single, or married, girlfriend that can show her that sex is fun again.

Try to develop her fantasies. My wife expressed that she'd had interest in being with ladies as well as sometimes other men. I have never said she had to be bi. Never told her she had to do anything. I tell her that I want what she wants, and that is to be satisfied with your life when it is all said and done. No regrets kind of thinking. Time passes so quickly.

Just let her know that you love her, (no matter what the outcome is), but that you would like to really have a nice long talk with her about sex with yourself and then maybe talk about sex with others.

Hope you can get back on the right track.

Male D

[ShyMama]

Oh my goodness!!! You can stop reading now!! This was the most perfect, well thought out, accurate, compassionate and thorough post I think I've ever read on any board ever! I don't think anyone can say it any better or more clearly than this. Thank you Tybee Swing! Ebarz, I know I'm like a year late, but I just read it tonight. I hope you took her advixe and by now your relationship is well on track to sexual (and mentl emotional and spiritual) greatness that is as fabulously satisfying to your wife as it is to you.

[hmr]

In a lot of ways I could have written your post myself. My wife was not interested in sex, very "old school" even dressed like the proverbial "school marm" . Then the kids got a little older and she hit 40. All of a sudden she wanted to live her life for herself more.
The change was incredible. We are now swingers for about 8 years. Although she still does not masterbate, per say, she will use vibrators, or even the shower head, things i could never imagine her to do. While she once was the "wallflower" at a party, sitting by herself , talking to no one who did not talk to her first, now she will be the middle of a party.It is truely wonderful. Let things progress as she needs, do not force things on her and I'm sure the curiosity will lead furthur.