Help... not sure how to handle

[sexy_mom_sexy]

Hello I am NEW here. As of today. So please bear with me!
I am in a relationship with my SO (male/female realtionship) we live together and have for a few months. The relationship is still new. However, he wants to get involved in a F-M-F situation. I am not against it. I have had my past and have had experiances. But when I had them I was younger (with no children or responsibility) and carefree. I was not in a relationship with any of the parties involved. So there was not a romantic/love tie. Well here is my problem. I love this guy with all my heart. I have accepted him for everything good or bad. I have seen him up on side of happy to the other. I know your thinking the relationship is still new. Yes... and we have been through a lot.
I want to know that he loves me the same and until then I am not sure I can have a F-M-F situation. My problem is I am not sure I can do it? I would love to give him that pleasure. But how do I know he will not want more and more and let it take over the relationship we have? How do I know that he won't want to be with me anymore? Does that all make sense? I kow I am rambling. I just have my issues and concerns. I appreciate any responses. Even if I dont agree! I thank you!

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by sexy_mom_sexy

I am in a relationship with my SO (male/female realtionship) we live together and have for a few months. The relationship is still new. However, he wants to get involved in a F-M-F situation.

If you wouldn't mind sharing, how long did you know each other before he moved in? Were you in a monogomous relationship together before he moved in?

I love this guy with all my heart. I have accepted him for everything good or bad.

This stood out. I have to wonder what the "bad" about him is that you have accepted.

I have seen him up on side of happy to the other.

I don't understand this statement. Could you please clarify?

I know your thinking the relationship is still new. Yes... and we have been through a lot.

"We have been through a lot" emphasizes that word "bad" that you used above. Hearing this worries me. It causes me to feel that your relationship may be more rough than smooth at this time. And combining that with his eagerness to swing, so early in your relationship, does concern me because I question his motivation for wanting to swing - especially since he mentions only bringing another woman in.

IF you wanted to swing, have you thought about what you would want out of swinging? Would you like to enjoy sex with another man? Would your boyfriend be open to that? Have you even discussed all the varieties of play that swinging can bring to a couple?

What prompted him to bring up the topic of swinging?

I want to know that he loves me the same and until then I am not sure I can have a F-M-F situation. My problem is I am not sure I can do it? I would love to give him that pleasure. But how do I know he will not want more and more and let it take over the relationship we have? How do I know that he won't want to be with me anymore? Does that all make sense? I kow I am rambling. I just have my issues and concerns. I appreciate any responses. Even if I dont agree! I thank you!

It sounds like you aren't the least interested in swinging at this time, and certainly not in a FMF situation. With all your concerns, and fear of losing your boyfriend over swinging, I would not recommend it at this time. You have good reason to be cautious. Your concerns are very common, so don't think for a moment that you are foolish or selfish for hesitating to jump right in. Take your time making this decision and do not swing before you are ready. Don't do it FOR your boyfriend or you will regret it. If you decide to proceed you, you will need to make this important decision together, as a couple.

LM

[sexy_mom_sexy]

Thank you so much for your honest response.
I do understand I didn't fill in a lot of details. However let me try this...
I was worried at first that he maybe a member of the board and see my post but at this point I am over it... If he sees it and the replys than maybe this too will help.

OK so to answer your questions:


I have known him for years. We were never close friends. Just friends of friends. I was married he was in another relationship. We ran back into each other one day and I gave him my number. It took him a few months to call. Well we hit it off... we got to know eachother much better in hours. Strange how we could have so much in common and never really cross eachothers paths. (I mean as a child and adult. Our families camped the same places and stuff) Well we dated a few months. I lived over an hour away so it was hard to see eachother all the time. Then I moved into his house. With his child and mine. Oh and yes it was and has been monogomous.

The bad... I guess no matter what there will always be some bad. I don't want to say it is too bad but? Basically finnancial issues was the bad I claim.

The sides of happy... not really sure what I was saying! I was saying that we have both been though bad relationships and deals and I have seen him at his high of being happy and at his low of being hurt.


Things that have concerned me are... his reply to posts on CL to w4m postings. I set myself up for the truth and posted a few messages and he replied to me... not knowing it was me. So when I asked what was up he said well I have been telling you what I want to do and I feel like you are putting it off so I was looking for us.... **cough cough** I also found a webpage that was m-m and he had a posting. It was from years past and he deleted it after we spoke. It just shocked me and made me concerned. I personally never had a problem with m-f-m or 2m-2f I just wanted the truth. It was not like I was going to walk away from the relationship because he was courious and tried things.


I have thought about swinging. I had not thought about it again since I was younger... In my 20's now I am in my 30's. but like I said I had fun and it was more of a party thing for years. I had a roommate that was older and we used to have a grand time. If you know what I mean.

What prompted the swinging coming up...
I think it was first brought up one night after some kinky business. He likes to talk dirty to me and likes to use his imagination. So he always says lets get another female.

I think if I said lets get another male that may not go over well. Maybe I need to say that? Then makes me wonder if I said this would he see what my concerns are?

I do agree with you about not doing it just for him. I have to be ready adn willing and I am sure I will get to the point. But I just want to be safe. I guess now I have to figure out how to make or help him understand.
I think if I dont let him try it once at least he will go looking. (but I am not sure.)

I so apprciate your post. It means a lot to me to get the honest truth from others who have this lifestyle.

OK for now I am going to stop rambling. Please post me back any other questions or concerns! Have a great day!

[sexychoclit]

If he was looking for a female for the both of you then he should've included you in the process. If you have to set up fake accounts in order to catch him doing something wrong, then you already have your answer. It sounds like he is going to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it and he is not thinking of you in the process because you haven't consented to anything. If I were you I would examine the relationship and decide whether or not it is worth it for you. If you are interested in a one time fling with another female then go for it, but it sounds to me that you are insecure in the relationship you are in and adding another woman to it won't make you feel any better. He needs to make a decision between having you or having his fantasy. If I were you, I would definitely be prepared for him to choose the latter.

[sexy_mom_sexy]

Thank you! I agree. I am insecure. It is not helping the situation.
The more I think about it the more I feel like if it was a one time thing then cool. For now and see where that leads. But then I have my doubts. You guys have been great! I think I will print the message for him to check since he doubted I was even considering. I know I can be a brat!

I appreciate everything. And if anyone wants to add more please do so!

[JandD_OH]

I disagree.

He's a guy. I flirt around online all the time, and sometimes it gets pretty heavy, but if I'm ever asked to meet 1-on-1 I decline because I don't cheat on my wife.

Years ago before she and I got into the lifestyle, we went through a really dry spell and I survived mainly by playing out fantasies on the internet.

I've always been something of a sexual freak, and she was receptive but submissive, so I really never got a good read on her having any interest.

It sounds to me like you two have the same problem we did... gaps in our communication. Just sit down with him face-to-face and lay everything out.

Trust me, this is a lot less risky for a woman. If you tell him that you're seriously interested in swinging, but only if he is too, there shouldn't be much of a threat to him in that. Looking back, the biggest threats to our marriage was being afraid to communicate our wants and needs to each other outside of the 'vanilla' ones.

As far as the MM stuff, bring it up when you're face to face. You sound like a pretty progressive woman when it comes to this, but you really need to know where he is with this. It could be he's bi, bi curious, a latent homosexual, or simply he was in a weird mood and posted something. Just be straightforward and be ready for whatever he tells you.

I've never had interest in any MM contact, but one time years ago I was chatting on the phone with a woman who got off on hearing about MM stuff. I was single at the time, and her dirty mouth got me so hot I'd roleplay about anything for her. It was so hot I'd sometimes record our conversations on my answering machine to enjoy later. Fast forward about two years. I'm married and --for some unknown reason-- she flips the answering machine tape over (that I'd long since forgotten about) and listens to our phone sex. It freaks her out thinking I'm gay, hehe. But she says nothing about it until our marriage is in shambles, and calls me a 'fag' during a fight. See where I'm going with this? ;-)

Had she just asked, we would have ended up with a good laugh about it, and she would have been relieved...But our communication was so poor that she kept it to herself and feared I was plugging hairly bungs when I was out late.

Talk to him....

[clutch]

Hi

It sounds like you are very sweet on your man and don't want to risk losing him--especially since you've only been together just a little while.

It sounds like your heart is telling you to not go for this fmf thing right now. I think I'd go with your heart. You may risk a little bit of loss, and a little bit of pain, but, in this case, I think it might be worth it--if you really like this guy.

My wife and I have a couple friend where the wife grew up in a family with two other sisters near an army base (all three being unbelievably cute), and all three literally screwed their ways through the base several times over.

This was pre-aids, and they simply loved to fuck.

Then, our friend met her husband-to-be and refused him sex. Told him she wanted to marry him. He said that he wanted to marry her, but insisted on having sex. She said, "No." And he pulled back and ran through a few other girlfriends.

She didn't date anyone during this time--could have easily, but didn't.

Meanwhile, it was just tearing her up--not particularly that he was blatantly fucking girls that she knew, but just that she was so worried she had lost him. He then came back to her and said he wanted to marry her. That was almost 30 years ago and they're still married, rather contentedly.

We have never swung with them, but they have swung on-again-off-again over the years. (They're a very cute couple, and they do like their sex and sex variety.)

This situation, obviously, isn't like yours--you're already connected with your man. But it might be similar in that our friend followed her heart, and it paid off, and that possibly is the right thing for you to do also.

I think you have a sweet heart--best of love and luck.

[iapr]

With each new post you make I keep seeing more and more red flags popping up. I am not going to all address all of them individually as I think you are probably accutely aware of whatever issues you two have. The fundamental feeling I get from your posts is that you are wanting to develop a deeper and more stable relationship with this man and that given your choice you would probably prefer to be in a traditional monogamous relationship at least for now and at least untill you have developed a deeper sense of trust and intimacy.

Did I understand correctly that you were both in other relationships when you started seeing each other? If so then you may have a lot of work to do in order to develop the trust that you need to swing with a sense of security. Afterall if you did start seeing each other on the sly then you are very much aware of what each of you is capable of behind your partners back. Not a good foundation for building a swinging relationship.

Another concern I have is that while you are wanting to build a deeper relationship with this guy, he may still be wanting a more recreational relationship and is using the idea of swinging to get you to go along with it.
You say that you are somewhat interested in swinging as well and that is fair, as far as I am concerned EVERYONE from the pope on down is to one degree or another interested in carefree, consequencefree and issuefree recreational sex. But the truth is that for most people it is only a fantasy and in reality they would much prefer to have an intimate monogamous relationship and leave the orgy scenes in their own imaginations. The bottom line is you must be true to yourself and pursue the life that you truly wish to have and not give in to his desires just so you can keep him happy.

You have brought up many concerns and I think they are legitimate. I think you owe it to yourself and your relationship that you two should sit down and have some real heart to heart talks on just exactly it is that each of you wants out of your relationship. You may find that you have some differences that will need to be addressed no matter which road you go down.

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by sexy_mom_sexy

But how do I know he will not want more and more and let it take over the relationship we have? How do I know that he won't want to be with me anymore?

Well, you may ask yourself the same questions even if you DOESN'T engage in the FMF, buf if you don't.... you may not get the answers you're looking for, or perhaps you'd require to invest years in a relationship before finding out the answers are the wrong ones.

How pushy is he being about this? Would he be the same if you say "no"?

I believe you're facing a problem that has nothing to do with swinging, but it is in the core of your relationship. His request for a FMF just bring the problem to the surface, and even when it may seem that denying his request would be an easy way out, it isn't... de doubt will remain. IMO, this leads to the ultimate question: why he choose you as a couple? why he is with you?

And wheter you engage or not in this FMF, the question will remain valid. You two need to talk a lot about your relationship, before even thinking of talking about swinging.

[intuition897]

I'm concerned that, although you are quite open to his curiosity and experimentation, he doesn't really believe that you could possibly allow him that kind of freedom. Therefore he feels he needs to hide his activities. Or more to the point, feels he needs to hide his true self from you. I think maybe he sees his desires as dirty or wrong or hurtful to you. And how could you possibly love these "shameful" parts of him? He hides it from you because he values what you think of him. If you love your SO not just in spite of these "bad points", but because of them, you're a definite candidate for swinging. You just need to communicate these feelings to him in a way that he'll truly understand and fully believe.

A lot of success in swinging depends on having something of a thick skin. If your partner doesn't understand swinging and is going through a learning curve, you can expect him or her to make mistakes. And sometimes they hurt. Throughout the process, we each learn how to deal with our own feelings, moderate ourselves, and learn how to work together and deal with each other's feelings, too.

Listen to your gut: don't move forward. You are not comfortable with the trust level right now, and you're smart to recognize this. The key words are "right now". Things can change with time and effort. Just be sure you both know one another's minds intimately before doing this because once it's done, it's done. You can't take it back, and if you're unprepared for the emotional rollercoaster that will follow (remember puberty? Imagine all the intensity of puberty packed into a few days) you stand to do some serious damage to your relationship. Just be patient and start getting the touchy subjects out in the open. They stink and need to be aired out.

[DBL D]

Originally Posted by sereneiders

...I believe you're facing a problem that has nothing to do with swinging, but it is in the core of your relationship. His request for a FMF just bring the problem to the surface, and even when it may seem that denying his request would be an easy way out, it isn't... de doubt will remain. IMO, this leads to the ultimate question: why he choose you as a couple? why he is with you?

And wheter you engage or not in this FMF, the question will remain valid. You two need to talk a lot about your relationship, before even thinking of talking about swinging.

I am really happy you have found this site. I wanted to do what you are doing...Be anonymous...but that didn't last long before she learned about it. It was a good thing though it didn't seem like it at first. We want to be able to learn things privately at times, and that is a good thing. We also need to learn some things together. This would be one of those.

Your relationship is really what matters here. He's acting like everything is all set and away you will go but you need answers to your questions first. Work on your communication. Tell him how you feel. The deep feelings and the fantasies and how you have to feel about your man before you do anything.

There's no time like the present.

Male D