How do I approach her

[at-a-kiss]

Hi, I would like to have some advice on how to approach my wife on this topic. She is very open to and wonderful about being creative in the bedroom. She also is very good at performing request but, this one I am affraid to approach her about. Please give advice any will be welcome.

at-a-kiss

[flkeyscouple]

Hi,
First welcome to the board! It's great to have you here. I think you'll find your answer in many of the old threads, and I'm sure others will answer you here too. If you click on 'Forums' at the top of this page, then move down the page til you get to 'New Swingers' - click on that link and you'll find MANY threads about new swingers, and quite a few about how to introduce your SO to the lifestyle.

In my opinion, and it's probably because it's how my hubby and I first started discussing the lifestyle, one great way to bring it up is through fantasy. We started discussing fantasy during our foreplay. The more we fantasized and got hot, the closer we were to doing the 'first step'. After a few soft experiences we went further with our discussions and started telling each other a ton of old stories about things that we had done in our pasts - and one thing led to another and we decided to jump in with both feet! Part of the experience of sharing fantasy and/or past experiences is how open and honest your communication is.

We haven't looked back! It's been a wonderful experience and we expect we'll continue to have more wonderful experiences! facelick

Good luck, and have a great time reading!!

Mrs. FLKeys

[Mr. Truelove]

Show her this site. That's what I did and it was very helpful! Good luck!

Mr. Truelove

[DBL D]

Let her know that you love her...Ask her about her fantasies...Let her know that you have them...Let her know that you love her...Show her this site...Let her know that you love her....

Male D

[WesternSwing]

For us it started-out as "what if" discussions. Such as, when we'd come home from a party or after having friends over for dinner and drinks and the talk would always become flirtatious and sexy. We'd have the "what if this situation came up... would you?" question for each other. So the seed was planted for both of us in this manner.

Eventually we were at a Mardi Gras party and we met a couple and everything clicked between us. Several weeks later we were in the deep end of the swinger's pond.

So how to approach your wife? I really don't know because my experience was relatively easy. But as others have said, and we did, start talking about the "what if?" during foreplay or other alone times... Just like you might discuss other fantasies. If the idea is a turn-on for her then after a while of the fantasy play you may bring-up that you'd like to really consider this and you found a place on the Internet that has lots of great information (here of course ) and you'd like to browse it with her if she's game.

If she is... then you're on your way. If not, drop it for awhile. Pressuring her if she's not into it right now will not get you anywhere but further from it.

Intuition has some great insight about this subject being the wife that got asked and was not at first hip on it. Do a search for her posts.

Mr. WS

[openmindedcpl]

There are millions of web sites about every type of sex. You can download a couple hundred in a few hrs. There are countless photos of four-somes, of three-somes, hot sex activity. Put them all into a file. If m/f/m sex is the fantasy you wish your wife was interested in, have a larger nbr of these pics. Burn a DVD of this accumulated hand selected super hot pics in the file Put it in the dvd player and play them on your tv as a slide show, soft candles. Sex happens with hot photos on screen about 5 seconds, a chance to have a comment about each activity, a reaction that brings up the subject. A good way to direct the subject and even to the particular sex that turns you on the most. To watch such a clip together will insure conversations of interest in the action shown on screen. An ooooohhh, or an OH!, a hot kiss or taking a drink, an act full of desire or no response shows interest levels and is guaranteed to make the conversation very sexy, promote sexual desire and questions can be raised, feelings and thoughts seeded for thought. The next viewing may yield a cache of hidden desires and an idea, or lack, of in sex with others. Also makes a good way to get the evening going when meeting another couple. Porno dvd's get boring because of long repetative action scenes. A 5 second clip of the hottest sex pics you can find, coming at you in rapid sucession is sexually indefensible!

[Cpl2share]

In defense of porn movies: That is how it started for us. Watching porno and as a scenario came into play we woudl ask each other if that turned the other on. As things progressed we discovered that we were turned on by seeing "groups" and F/F action. This progressed into talking about actually acting upon those interests.

Good luck

[hmr]

try buying some penthouse letters with variuos stories in it, seemed to work well for us.

[Fringeswinger]

Some pretty good advice, but you have to know your woman before you start putting porn on the TV. Don't assume she will go for it, and don't be too dissapointed if she looks at you like you have 4 heads.

No matter how hard I wish it were different, my wife has issues with even the fantasy, much less the reality of swinging. She just isn't wired that way and she is not going to change. After 17 years, I think I can speak from a postion of confidence on that one.

I don't dispute the stories of those women who say they were dead set against it, and ended up 180 degrees from that position in the end. Actually, those stories are what encouraged me to be more vocal to her about what I wanted. Just don't expect that to be the case in your situation. Manage your expectations.

As for how to bring it up, I don't have a magic answer, especially since the end result for me was "ain't gonna happen, babe". But, I would suggest that subtle is better than sitting down with her for a blunt heart to heart. You really don't need her to be shocked or confronted in a "where did this come from" type scenario.

Don't mean to discourage you, good luck with it and be patient.

[Alura]

The ability to share ideas is key to successful swinging, in my opinion. We all need to develop our communication.

Try not to ask questions that can be answered with "Yes" or "No." Your goal should be aimed more at getting her talking rather than just getting an answer.

"How do you feel about... (war/peace/hiking/football/nascar/group sex)?" will get her used to sharing ideas with you. Build from there.

Mr. Alura

[robel12550]

Dear At-a-Kiss,

First, you have to make the approach from the side or back because otherwise, they'll see you coming. Move slowly and cautiously. Crouch down so that you avoid the chance of a direct on glance. Don't forget, if you can't see the whites of their eyes, they can't see you. Then, when you're within roughly a few feet, POUNCE!

Oh, I thought you were asking how to "approach" a gazelle.

Since it's your wife and she's "open" about sex otherwise, why not just ask her in a way that gives you an "out" if she turns defensive about it. (You might want to use some coy approach though like, "Honey, I just crashed our expensive car. Ooops, sorry, my mistake. The car's fine. But what about swinging?") If she's somewhat receptive, then you can show here the pornos, this site, the Penthouse forum articles, etc. Use them to address "concerns", but not the actual topic of swinging. Discuss "limits", what you both feel comfortable about doing or NOT doing. (Realize that these might be broken in the heat of the moment and discuss how to handle that afterwards.)

In general though, develop a communications path so that you don't feel "scared" about talking to your wife about anything. Then you'll never have to post a question like you did on any web site again. And you'll probably have a stronger relationship than most of the people in the world.

Best of luck!

[at-a-kiss]

Thank all of you for your reply and information. I will put it all to good use!