He says he's comfortable with no rules...I'm concerned

[bbb2007]

hi,could i getsome feed back, my partnerand i open and honestly were setting our ground rules for a swinging lifestyle, and he says he is comfortable with having no rules, anything goes there is nothing i could do that would make him uncomfortable. he says if i get horney just go get me some, just like that,without him present or permision. am i crazy or does this mean that he doesnt care about me,or even care if i'm safe. and we are new to this lifestyle. help me, it's kinda hard for me to explain things to him,youknow how exactly to word,or even words. so could some one help me out by telling me how or what to ask him, i am very soft hearted and get my feelings hurt, does this mean he is tired of me? i would really appreciate any help. thank u very much.

[Mr. Truelove]

Originally Posted by bbb2007

hi,could i getsome feed back, my partnerand i open and honestly were setting our ground rules for a swinging lifestyle, and he says he is comfortable with having no rules, anything goes there is nothing i could do that would make him uncomfortable. he says if i get horney just go get me some, just like that,without him present or permision. am i crazy or does this mean that he doesnt care about me,or even care if i'm safe. and we are new to this lifestyle. help me, it's kinda hard for me to explain things to him,youknow how exactly to word,or even words. so could some one help me out by telling me how or what to ask him, i am very soft hearted and get my feelings hurt, does this mean he is tired of me? i would really appreciate any help. thank u very much.

You two need to talk more before you get involved in an open relationship. It's clear that you are not ready at this point. There is nothing wrong with that! patience never hurt anyone. People do have open relationships like that, and while it's not for everyone, many are successful.

You are simply going to have to get better at explaining your views to him, and he is going to have to be a patient and understanding listener.
Make it clear that you need more time to think about this, and that you may have safety concerns about being alone with other men.

Communication is key in this lifestyle. So much so that if you don't have it, I would say swinging is certainly not for you.

Mr. Truelove

[prettylady]

Hey Girl,
Dog and I are in a similar relationship. While he doesn't say "just do it whenever, whoever" He is much more open then I am. For example, if a couple of guys were to ask me to go into a room with them,Dog would be ok with that. He would need to know about it, but not nessesarly be a part of it. I on the other hand, what this to be about US not me and him. I want him to be there and me be there when play happens. If it is group sex, I don't have to be one of the ladies or him one of the men, just need to be in the same room. I don't understand fully his position, I likely never will, but it has nothing to do about caring about your saftey. Dog is the most protective man I know. He would need to be within a safe distance in order to help me out if there is an issue, but not right there beside me. I NEED him beside me, not because of a jealousy issue, or maturity issue, just a need to know he is there.
You are not going to see eye to eye on every rule, but you need to talk about your stand and agree to follow the bounderies that are set together for the best intrest of the slower moving person.
Don't feel you have to understand his point, just know it and appreciate that there are going to be differences, don't fight it, don't make it more then it needs to be. In his own way he is concerning himself with your needs and wants.
If he isn't pushing you to do this with out him, then don't worry about it. It sounds like he put it out there for you to think about. That is all Dog did. I said no, I want you there, He said that is great and that is how we do it.
I think I am starting to repeat myself, so I will say only this.
Talk to him, let him know where you stand, say I know what you are saying, but it is not what I am comfortable with. If he does have your best intrest in mind he will be ok with this. He might restate his stand on issues, but listen to him as much as you want him to listen to you.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[flkeyscouple]

All 'rules' in the lifestyle should go at the pace of the slowest participant. If he says you can go off by yourself, but you say 'I don't want to', he should agree to stick with you. There might be a time when you ARE comfortable with his ideas and you can change your rules at that time. But until you are BOTH comfortable with whatever suggestions are put out there, you need to stick to what you are currently comfortable with.

I don't think it has anything to do with him not respecting you or caring for you. It's simply that his comfort level is 'further along' than yours. TALK to him. COMMUNICATION is the key for all aspects of the lifestyle! Ask him to read this thread - let him know how tender your feelings are!

Good luck!

Mrs. FLKeys

[lovinher]

Well you can't have an open relation ships unless both you are on the same page. It does'nt sound like you two are. I agree all with the advice given above.
Above all do not agree to do anything until you are as comfortable as he is. This may never happen and hopefully he will understand your feelings about this. If he doesnt then there are toubles ahead if you go along with it just to make him happy.

[sexcupid]

we were having a similar issue a few weeks ago. one of our conversations got pretty heated about setting/resetting boundaries.

and basically it was very similar to what you are posting, he basically wants carte blanche to do whatever/whenever when we are at a club or if we go to a house party. which would include us not playing as a couple.

my thoughts are if we go some where together, then we play together. to put it mildly, we had come to a bit of an impasse that ended with me saying, fine just do what you want, and i'll learn to deal with it.

which of course was not fine with him. the thing is, we are just barely getting started in the lifestyle. when we get a circle of friends/acquaintances that we are comfortable being with...then i don't think i will have a problem with his 'when we go some where that is the event and anything goes' type of mentality.

talk more and more and more...until you are sick to death of talking really. and then talk some more. it's a good way to make sure your boundaries are well understood and what each person is comfortable with. and what 'rules' are steadfast, while others may merely be suggestions.

good luck

maria

[daisy girl]

I agree with what has been said about going as slowly as the slowest person. I think an open relationship can be rewarding but both parties have to agree. Don't feel that you "have" to do something. Do it because you want to.

[cubnamy1995]

We can relate. I was concerned because I was afraid Amy would think I didn't care enough about her to set rules. While I guess we do have a couple of rules, we really don't consider them rules because they are (to us anyway) common sense (condoms, etc.) But I put no terms on Amy whatsoever. While I can understand why that can be interpreted as apathy, it really isn't.

I just feel that Amy's sexuality is her own, and even though I'm her husband and partner, her sex still belongs to her. One of the joys of swinging for me is to know that I am offering her a way to enjoy herself sexually without shame or remorse. I don't want to dampen the thrill of it by saying you can do this, but not that, etc. If she is with a couple of girlfriends on a weekend getaway to Vegas and meets a cute guy that she'd like to get naked with, I make sure she can without having to think too much about it and taking the fun out of it.

My point is that just because he doesn't set rules for you doesn't mean he doesn't care. If he's like me, it's just the opposite.

My .02

[Miss_Piggy]

Try making a list of all the things you could possibly *think* of to do. Here's a start.

Some sort of sexual interaction, contact...

1. with another person when he's not present.
2. with another person when he's not in the room, but still in the house.
3. without condoms.
4. with a couple without him present.
5. with a friend of his, without him present.
6. with one of his family members.
7. with one of his coworkers.

Obviously, you probably wouldn't want to do many/most/all of the things on your list. But it might help to talk about how he would feel if any of those things happened, and how you feel about the ideas. At this point, I find it hard to accept that *anything* goes with him. It's worth digging deeper.

[StacyCat]

Go look at the other posts here (in Situational HELP). Ask what he would do in those situations, or what you would do. Try to think of all your fantasies that you would want fulfilled, and ask him to imagine the situation.

It is also about the couple. If you want him to participate, then you need to make that clear. Even discussing the fact that him telling you can "go off and do whatever" makes you feel weird is a good start.

[clutch]

In my opinion, clearly your guy doesn't know what he doesn't know. I think if you thrust him, for real, into an "anything goes" situation, he'd come up with a lot of problems in a very big hurry. Don't worry, we guys are genetically encoded to be both dense, and bull-headed about it.


So... at the top of this page, in the little bold word section, is a heading entitled "swinger advice." Click on it and scroll down to the topic, "setting rules to swing by."

You might try printing this out and telling your guy you found this on the web, and you know it's a dorky notion (does anyone use the word "dorky" any more?), but you just wanted to cover all the bases and make sure that you personally weren't missing anything and did he have any opinions on any of those things.

This may draw him out into a discussion, which, as several of the other posts have pointed out, really does need to happen.

Best of luck...

[DBL D]

I don't think you can swing together without going through this. You will find that as time goes by you will do some things that you thought would be the worst and they didn't turn out so bad...so your rules will change...or sometimes you just come to an understanding about some things that had worried you so. There really are very few couples who take the "everything goes" idea to it's limit and their circle of folks to draw from would probably suffer for it. They know that other people have limits or rules if you will. The idea may be that you want to be the couple that can go for whatever is suggested.

I have mentioned this to Fem D before. She had your reaction...this is for us as a couple. Still, whether it was really meant or not, we have suggested to another that she visit us while her hubby is away. I have even told her the same thing as the OP's hubby. I want her to experience as much as she wants to and she won't if she doesn't let her hair down now and again to find out how things are when she does that. In no way am I telling her I don't care. I am telling her I DO care. It isn't called the "World of Sex"
for nothing. There's a lot out there to experience!

However sexcupids hubby is on the wrong track when he says he'd like
carte blanche so early into the game. I have been headstrong myself and have learned that I have to back off a bit...but not give up. We both have learned that things need to change or we won't be getting the most from it. Still if that is what is comfy, you need to look at it.

Male D

[WesternSwing]

Ah bbb2007, he says he's okay with anything now... but guaranteed when it actually happens he'll be singing a different tune. Because he's a newbie at this, dragons he didn't even know he had will raise their ugly heads. I'm living proof of this.

It's good to err on the side of caution until you figure out, as a couple, where you fit into this whole thing. Start slow and work you're way wilder as you become more comfortable with swinging. Jumping immediately in the deep end will almost always result in a sink-or-swim situation, and many sink and then blame swinging rather then themselves for their problems.

It's better to learn to swim before you tread-off into the deep end of the swinging pool.

We dove right into the deep end when we got into swinging. Our first experience was full swap, and it was just about a month after we decided to actually do it. And I'll admit I had some issues come-up afterward. But being the tight couple we are, and me being the overly-rational guy I am... I realized they were my issues and that my wife had done nothing wrong. I also didn't like myself being insecure like that and therefore I worked on myself and got over it. And I'm glad I did. That renewed self-confidence carried over into all aspects of my life.

So do as others here have said: go only as fast as the slowest person in the relationship, and set rules. It's better to have too many in the beginning and get rid of the ones you find are useless, then to not have enough and run into problems between you two because someone crossed a comfort line they didn't even know was there.

Mr. WS