Advice on GF re-swinging

[nyloveandsex]

I'm a professional in my late 20's and so is my long distance 4-year GF (and she's very attractive). She satisfies every desire that one woman could by herself. But:

A few years before she met me, she'd been in a few threesomes with friends and boyfriends, but generally doesn't want to with me (because she says I'm the one). Just my bad luck I didn't get the wilder younger part of her? Sometimes I feel that she doesn't think I'm worthy or good enough, although she says thats not true/how I should look at it and she's just changed and doesn't see me like that. I'm (understandably?) a little miffed at this...my attitude is "you were willing to do this for/with them but not me?"

Even so, she'll fantasize about and talk dirty in bed about being with other girls (and I'm not opposed to other straight guys or both), and has even said before that "why not try it?" but other times says there's no way...just depending on her mood I guess. One thing that's interesting is that multiple times while I'm eating her out (I'm excellent 'cause I enjoy it) she'll say "I'll do anything for you...anything" and I know what she means.

Any advice on 1.) my attitude regarding this whole potentially fun experience and 2.) what I can do to encourage her wilder side? Eat her out more? Kidding, kind of.

Thanks!

[Danny Zuko]

Hey NYLove,

Just take it easy with her. She is experiencing the difference between love and sex and putting you in a category that goes way beyond just sex. Be there for her and move closer to her. Once she knows you are committed to her above all others, she will bring up swinging, you will do it together, and the passion between you will be all the greater. At least that is what Bad Sandy and i have experienced in the lifestyle.

Good luck.
Danny

[flkeyscouple]

First, WELCOME to the board! I would suggest that you tell her about this board and see if reading through some of the old threads - and some of the active ones too - won't get her excited about sharing this fantasy with you. Reading through this site might make her more aware that the MORE committed you are the BETTER the experience could be.

Good luck, and again,

Sarah

[sexcupid]

Welcome!

You've been in a long distance relationship for 4 years? How long of a distance are we talking here?

Take this with a boulder of salt (as I encourage most people to when I post here )....but IMHO...if I had an involvement of 4 years from someone and it was no more 'permanent' or at the very least in the same city that I am in, I would be very hesitant to open up the door to playing with multiple partners.

You run the risk of potential other emotional attachments (ie: the 2 of you play with a female close to where you are...that person is more available than your gf...more time spent with her and before your gf knows it, she's looking for another relationship).

OTOH (just because I do like to play devil's advocate to myself), why are you holding your gf's past exploits over her head? So what, she doesn't want to do something with you that she did with a past bf? Get over it. If my current partner said something like that to me, I would be less inclined to ever do it with him. You may be making her feel bad about wanting to keep you all to herself for the time being. My ex-husband did the same thing (he knew of some of my wilder experiences...a fmf, kissing some of my female friends, othe playmates, ect) and it made me less and less inclined to do any of that with him. Seemed like he was pouting about it, and that's something I don't find attractive in a man. :surrender

Obviously she's open to the idea, having done it before. In the heat of the moment, things can be said just because of that...you are worked up, the hormones are flowing, you want to get your partner going, so you say things to them that are going to get them turned on.

With all that said, good luck and no pressure.

Maria

[nyloveandsex]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

Welcome!

You've been in a long distance relationship for 4 years? How long of a distance are we talking here?

Take this with a boulder of salt (as I encourage most people to when I post here )....but IMHO...if I had an involvement of 4 years from someone and it was no more 'permanent' or at the very least in the same city that I am in, I would be very hesitant to open up the door to playing with multiple partners.

You run the risk of potential other emotional attachments (ie: the 2 of you play with a female close to where you are...that person is more available than your gf...more time spent with her and before your gf knows it, she's looking for another relationship).

OTOH (just because I do like to play devil's advocate to myself), why are you holding your gf's past exploits over her head? So what, she doesn't want to do something with you that she did with a past bf? Get over it. If my current partner said something like that to me, I would be less inclined to ever do it with him. You may be making her feel bad about wanting to keep you all to herself for the time being. My ex-husband did the same thing (he knew of some of my wilder experiences...a fmf, kissing some of my female friends, othe playmates, ect) and it made me less and less inclined to do any of that with him. Seemed like he was pouting about it, and that's something I don't find attractive in a man. :surrender

Obviously she's open to the idea, having done it before. In the heat of the moment, things can be said just because of that...you are worked up, the hormones are flowing, you want to get your partner going, so you say things to them that are going to get them turned on.

With all that said, good luck and no pressure.

Maria

1. It didn't start out as long distance. New York to midwest. See each other every 3 weeks or so on weekends and occasional vacations.

2. Good point about the long-distance problem. Never thought of that potential concern of hers. If the other girl were in New York I could see how she might be scared. I hope she knows I'm not looking for another relationship (the fact I've been faithful for 4 years mostly long-distance I hoped would've attested to that), but just the occasional playfling WITH her and never without.

3. I see your (and her) point about holding it over her head. She told me she regrets ever telling me about that aspect of her past. Again, i don't have a problem with it, just with the fact that she hasn't wanted to be as wild and experimental with me. And I absolutely agree with you. No more pouting.



I appreciate your guys advice on relaxing and letting things happen and slowly persuading. I need more patience.

[Tia Vampire]

I agree with Danny Zuko and flkeyscouple. This board has helped me (the female 1/2) in some of the choices I make by being in the life-style. Plus seperating love from sex take time. I think I'm half way there. I remember when I would have never thought of getting into the life-style with someone I love. That was only for someone that was a booty call or I didn't give a damn about.I have found out that being in the life-style with someone you love feels so much better. If you are secure in your relationship, you don't worry about the bullshit that goes along with dating. I know that me and my fiance were ment for each other. Hopefully you will have that chance too.

[curious24]

I totally agree with everyone. Love and sex are way different things. Sounds like to me you really love this girl and she really loves you too. I would hate it if you jumped the gun even when one of you isn't ready. I'm sure with time you'll both be able to take the leap and enjoy each other with an experience like she has had. Just count your lucky stars that you have a woman who is heads over heals for you. It's a wonderful thing, much more so than any threesome you'll ever have.

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by nyloveandsex

3. I see your (and her) point about holding it over her head. She told me she regrets ever telling me about that aspect of her past. Again, i don't have a problem with it, just with the fact that she hasn't wanted to be as wild and experimental with me. And I absolutely agree with you. No more pouting.



I appreciate your guys advice on relaxing and letting things happen and slowly persuading. I need more patience.

Is she not experimental/wild in the things that you already do? I can understand you wanting to add a little spice or some thing to things if she is a strictly turn off the lights, lie back and think of England while you get your rocks off kind of lover.

But since I will assume that is not the case (yes I know what happens when you assume things ), you may be making her feel inadequate in her performance.

Personally, when someone says something like that to me, I tend to shut down sexually. For example, I've over heard some men say that once you have a child/ren then you are basically damaged goods and it never feels as good again. My more logical side can kick off such ignorant uneducated sounding comments. When you have a boyfriend or sex partner sitting there either having a laugh or agreeing with the statement...the more irrational side can kick in and make you think that you are less because of that. (And yes this is something that has happened to me.)

So while we make an effort most times not to hurt your feelings over performance or things that you won't do for us....alot of times men do not have that same courtesy. All I can say is I hope you did not actually comment to her that you wish you had met her in her younger wilder days. Might make her feel that she isn't enough for you RIGHT NOW.

/psychology rant *lol*

and you don't have to answer this but my own curiosity begs that I ask...after most of 4 years spent basically seeing each other 1/month...have either of you considered moving to be where the other person is?

Again...good luck.


Maria

[nyloveandsex]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

Is she not experimental/wild in the things that you already do? I can understand you wanting to add a little spice or some thing to things if she is a strictly turn off the lights, lie back and think of England while you get your rocks off kind of lover.

So while we make an effort most times not to hurt your feelings over performance or things that you won't do for us....alot of times men do not have that same courtesy. All I can say is I hope you did not actually comment to her that you wish you had met her in her younger wilder days. Might make her feel that she isn't enough for you RIGHT NOW.

She's very experimental and wild and does just about anything that doesn't hurt too much with 2 people. "Think of England" I like that one.

As far as commenting to her that I wish I had met her in her wilder days...oops. I gotta backtrack and realize this is going to take some time.

Originally Posted by sexcupid

and you don't have to answer this but my own curiosity begs that I ask...after most of 4 years spent basically seeing each other 1/month...have either of you considered moving to be where the other person is?

Yeah, that's the plan in just over one year. Should see each other a lot more between now and then, though.

Thanks!

[iapr]

I kind of know how you feel although from a bit different perspective. 20-some years ago I was seeing a gal who had "been around" (lingo from back in those days) and she would tell me of screwing this guy and that guy but said she couldn't do those things with me because I was "nice" and we had a "different kind of relationship" I finally figured heck with that and stopped treating her nice and started being an asshole and treating her like crap and sure enough she started putting out and was a wildcate too lol. Now I of course have to say that was the wrong thing to do and cannot advocate that approach but I do think there are some similarities.


The fact is people do treat each new relationship differently than the ones before and what one did and enjoyed in one relationship may not necessarily carry over to the next. In your case as the other posters have suggested she may not see your sexlife as "recreational" and may not want to involve others in it and/or may not be willing to take the risks that that may involve. With her previous activities she may not have had any emotional investment in any of the relationships and just saw it as something fun and entertaining to do at the time. Now years later she may see your relationship as something more serious and mature and the novelty aspect of multiple partners just doesn't have the same interest for her.

I do agree with the other posters in that what is more of an issue is the fact that you two have allowed yourselves to get into a 4 year relationship of periodic weekend getaways. I too think there would be a greater risk in introducing other people into the mix because whoever you invite into the bedroom is going to be a lot closer physically to one of you more than the other. While long distance relationships can scratch a certain itch they are no substitute for an actual day to day partnership (I've been there done that so I can speak from experience)

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by nyloveandsex

Any advice on 1.) my attitude regarding this whole potentially fun experience and 2.) what I can do to encourage her wilder side? Eat her out more? Kidding, kind of.

Thanks!

Hi nyloveandsex,

I'll give you my honest opinion here.

If I were dating a man who lived halfway across the country from me and we only had the opportunity to be together once every few weeks, I would want and need to spend every bit of that short time just connecting with him. If I really loved you, I would find that distance and infrequency of being together very hard. For me, even as a married woman who lives with my husband, if we aren't having enough time together (just the two of us) and not feeling connected enough (physically, emotionally, every way), than swinging goes to the back burner during that period of time. This goes for both of us. "Us" is #1, and the extracurricular sex stuff is #2. Or maybe even #3, after our other obligations and family stuff. In your girlfriend's shoes, I would feel that #1 ("Us") wasn't getting enough time, as it is.

Mr. Tybee and I have gone through a long period of separation and long-distance dating. It was brutal for us. We would not have been swinging then. We didn't have enough of each other as it was.

I personally wouldn't swing with a partner that I didn't feel 100% secure about, relationship wise. I wouldn't feel that we had that much of a commitment if we were still just dating after 4 years, and with half a continent between us. This may seem old-fashioned, but I doubt I'd swing with a man who wasn't my committed husband and after we had time to cement our relationship and grow together more, even after the wedding. I believe (and have experienced) that the commitment level after you're together on a daily and permanent basis, and in marriage, is a much different level than just dating long-distance is.

I think that starting to swing together before this higher, deeper level of commitment is obtained could break the back of many relationships. Many dating relationships are just not strong enough to withstand it. Maybe your girlfriend is afraid this could happen between you two, and she doesn't want to ruin what you have. Maybe she's waiting and hoping for you two to actually get together (seriously) before she can feel comfortable moving forward into something like swinging with you.

Yes, she did some stuff years ago with others, but maybe she didn't care about those people like she does you. The more she values her relationship with you, the more she'll want to be cautious and protect what you two have. I can tell you that virtually all couples who swing think about everything carefully, weighing the risks, before they plunge forward. They talk about it a lot, talk about all of the possibilities and concerns they have. None of us want to destroy our relationships just for some extracurricular sex. It's worth it to be sure before acting on it.

No offense intended here....I'm just sharing one woman's view and how I would feel in her shoes. Maybe she's feeling some of the same things?

Have you had a heart-to-heart talk with her about this? I would. Not in bed, not the fantasy things that people say in the heat of the moment (that doesn't count here). Have a real talk with her and let her share her feelings. Make sure you're really listening to her, and not just looking for an opening to convince her of your side. Share your feelings, too (including that you feel left out because she did this with others, and not you). If you're close, or ever want to be close enough to her and open enough to be able to share everything, you have to both be able to talk about everything and both of you be respected and understood.

Most couples in this world don't feel they are "allowed" or able to talk openly and freely about everything with their partner. If you have this ability together, you are very fortunate. If you don't, you can get it by exposing yourself to her, be 100% real with her, and encourage her to do the same with you. (You both have to allow the other to be honest without repercussions.) I believe that the couples who swing successfully are the couples who have this special level of closeness, openness, acceptance and freedom with each other. Work on getting THIS, and see where it takes you!

Good luck.

P.S. - You're not being fully accepting of her if you hold her past over her head and use her past as a barometer of your relationship. Don't badger her about her past vs. your relationship. (You'll make her wish she'd never shared anything with you if you act like that.) Just focus on your present and your future with her.