Trying to read signals

[MMSmith]

Hello, first time poster here.

I should say that my wife and I have a great sex life as is. We are very open with each other and talk a fair bit.

Now since we have been married I've always jokingly talked about a threesome, MFF. It's been a running gag for many years.

Now recently things have been changing a bit. For the better or not I haven't decided yet. She's been joking about having a bi-encounter or pointing out women that she finds attractive and then one day "matter of factly" says: "Well I think I'm Bi anyways"

Okay, I'm usually very quick to come up with a witty reply or something but I kinda stammered and the best I could come up with was "well I hope you invite me along too"

Now I'm somewhat torn. The idea of swinging has always appealed to me, but I burried those thoughts a long time ago when I got married. Never in my wildest thoughts did I ever think that she may have the same interest. So now I'm seeing her in a completely different light and honestly... it's a bit unnerving.

She's mentioned that watching me have sex with another woman would be a major turn on for her, and more recently she would be interested in exploring a bi-curious side of her.

Sooooo, I am in completely uncharted waters here and went searching for advice and stumbled across this site. I already know what the concensus of the replies will be, that I need to talk to her about it. But I'm looking for ideas of how to approch it. Make sure I'm reading the signs right and what to do from there?

Quite honestly, even if we did agree to try it out, this is something that neither of us has any experience with whatsoever.

So I guess I'm looking for some feedback from people. Ladies, how did you get introduced into this? Did any of you drop any subtle or not so subtle hints for your man to pick up? and in general, when we do talk about it and if we decide to go forward, what is the next step?

Thanks!

[Brian&Mandy]

That sounds a lot like my wife and I.... only we got into the conversation a Whole lot more quickly (about 2 years from when we first met). I'm not sure how it started, but I Do know that it was split into Many, many smaller conversations... sometimes sparked from a sex scene in a movie (usually the Really cheesy ones, my wife always managed to find the softcore on latenight TV), other times I brought it up over dinner... anyway, we just started with discussing fantasies... and slowly moved towards talking about how to realize those fantasies. That then moved to looking at online ads (back when alt.matchmaker was about the only thing going) and eventually placing our own. this was over the course of Months though as we were busy with other life things too.

Since you've already had your wife broach the subject, just bring it up frankly sometime. Ask plainly wether or not she was/is serious about the FMF/bi thing. Don't do it while you're in bed... just the wrong time/place to have an honest discussion about the matter. Maybe try while doing dishes, or cooking a meal. Let the conversation go as it will.. it may be short, it may be long... just incase it DOES go long, be armed with information (the FAQ has some good pointers on this) on what kinds of things to discuss. Knowledge is the key here, and the more you both know and understand how each other feel about the subject, the better off you'll Both be.

Good luck though... from the sounds of it, your wife is just ready to open up. soon she'll be pointing out cute girls to you (or at least my wife does that... heh) and you'll be even closer than before.

Brian

[rpu3]

Originally Posted by MMSmith

So I guess I'm looking for some feedback from people. Ladies, how did you get introduced into this? Did any of you drop any subtle or not so subtle hints for your man to pick up? and in general, when we do talk about it and if we decide to go forward, what is the next step?

First, .

Second, it seems you are doing yourself the best favor you could by landing here at this board. Look around, read the threads - the Frequently Asked Questions forum is an excellent place to start. Have your partner check out the board as well, and TALK WITH EACH OTHER!

As to how I personally was introduced to this - I'm the one who brought it up. Just thought it was an interesting concept, and had looked into from our first year of marriage. And it was just general discussion for many years - we didn't even do anything for about 8 years. But I didn't drop hints and I sure wasn't subtle - I don't beat around the bush in any discussion with the spousal unit. I'm sure we all have a unique story as to how we entered this lifestyle.

Others may have better advice, but I still think the FAQ portion of the board may be very good basic ideology of swinging. It may be a good start for you, and it may lead you to more specific questions or thoughts as to how this might work for you.

Rebecca

[flkeyscouple]

Originally Posted by Brian&Mandy

Since you've already had your wife broach the subject, just bring it up frankly sometime. Ask plainly wether or not she was/is serious about the FMF/bi thing. Don't do it while you're in bed... just the wrong time/place to have an honest discussion about the matter. Maybe try while doing dishes, or cooking a meal. Brian

I respectfully disagree (and agree!!). I think some of our best discussions on getting into the lifestyle happened in bed! We did have conversations in other situations too (over dinner, doing dishes, over the phone while travelling, etc.) but our BEST discussions were while we were in bed. Often we had sex while fantasizing (actually talking about the fantasy), and while basking in the glory of the sex, we'd start the conversation about how and when that fantasy might come true, and which parts of the fantasy we would really follow through with.

As you've already mentioned - COMMUNICATE. And invite your wife to read this board too! I wish we had this board available to us when we first started in the lifestyle! What a tool this board is!

Good luck
Sarah

[riswingcpl]

Originally Posted by flkeyscouple

I respectfully disagree (and agree!!). I think some of our best discussions on getting into the lifestyle happened in bed! We did have conversations in other situations too (over dinner, doing dishes, over the phone while travelling, etc.) but our BEST discussions were while we were in bed. Often we had sex while fantasizing (actually talking about the fantasy), and while basking in the glory of the sex, we'd start the conversation about how and when that fantasy might come true, and which parts of the fantasy we would really follow through with.

As you've already mentioned - COMMUNICATE. And invite your wife to read this board too! I wish we had this board available to us when we first started in the lifestyle! What a tool this board is!

Good luck
Sarah

First...welcome to the board...you've come to a great place for info and guidance. There is no end to the people who'll be happy to share their experiences with you.

We do most of our lifestyle-related talking in bed...usually after we're done and just lying there in the afterglow...whether it be fantasies, plans, whatever. There aren't a lot of times during the day that we're alone in the house, and trying to have a substantial conversation about sex with the kids bopping in and out is near impossible.

We started talking about adding others to our sex life after G saw a movie with a lesbian scene on TV and found herself getting hot over it. After discussing her feelings, I just asked her straight out if it was something she wanted to persue. She said yes, and it was off to the races

Don't be surprised if your feelings are all over the map when you get started...that's not uncommon at all. There has been plenty posted on this subject...but the best advice I could give is to be totally honest with each other and talk constantly about what you're feeling. Keep on the same wavelength, and you'll be fine.

M

[telly2]

Well this was a ong time ago for us, but if i remember correctly, we were walking to our favorite sex shop, my hubby jokingly brought it up as a would you ever question. At that time there was no way in hell i would evr play with another girl, well the joke ended and we went on our way.
A few weeks later we met and befriends a couple, and guess what we started playing sextual games, Forplay type truth or dare then it escolated into much more intence untill we were swapping parters.
This was a great way into the lifestyle, we got to play light with no expectations and really no limits, It was agrued to death it was fun light and everyone was ready by the time it got to the point of swapping.

Ok i won't lye, there were so issues after the swapping but from what i see here that is normal, but we made it and have played off and on ever since. That was 8or 9 yrs ago

So now for my advice talk to her open and honestly, when you have the time to really talk, make an evening of it, dinner and quiet time together with no distractions, and keep it light, don't force the issue. Just talk about what you want out of this lifestyle if you were to get into it.

Well good luck on your journey, i won't lie it isn't always easy, but talking and being honmest is the best way through it.
Chantal

[SouthBond]

Well, it sounds like that you are ready to take action. Wouldn't it be nice if the Swingers Board had a team that could discreetly meet with you and custom build a plan of action. Maybe a one on one seminar with discussions, visual aids, demonstrations and role play. Then when you feel comfortable you could have a practice round or play an actual game. No matter what, you are going to start a fire of desire that is very rewarding.

[Brian&Mandy]

Originally Posted by flkeyscouple

I respectfully disagree (and agree!!). I think some of our best discussions on getting into the lifestyle happened in bed! We did have conversations in other situations too (over dinner, doing dishes, over the phone while travelling, etc.) but our BEST discussions were while we were in bed. Often we had sex while fantasizing (actually talking about the fantasy), and while basking in the glory of the sex, we'd start the conversation about how and when that fantasy might come true, and which parts of the fantasy we would really follow through with.

Sarah

The only reason I said that was because all of our discussions in bed were wrapped up in the sex (and rather Good sex too, amazing what a little different stimulation will do!). We often were speaking in the moment and I know she said things that later had to be re-hashed so I could get a Far more accurate picture. We both said things that were more Boundries of fantasy than what we really wanted to explore. Too easy to get carried away by the moment...

At least don't try to have ALL the conversations in bed. Lets try that...

[Tybee Swing]

Hi Mr. Smith,

Originally Posted by MMSmith

I should say that my wife and I have a great sex life as is. We are very open with each other and talk a fair bit.

These things give you an ideal foundation for expanding things sexually as a couple - swinging. You're not trying to fix something that's broken, and you're secure with each other.

Originally Posted by MMSmith

Now recently things have been changing a bit. For the better or not I haven't decided yet. She's been joking about having a bi-encounter or pointing out women that she finds attractive and then one day "matter of factly" says: "Well I think I'm Bi anyways"

....She's mentioned that watching me have sex with another woman would be a major turn on for her, and more recently she would be interested in exploring a bi-curious side of her.

...But I'm looking for ideas of how to approch it. Make sure I'm reading the signs right and what to do from there?

You don't have to look for signs...she's told you straight out, openly, what's on her mind and what she's interested in - and wonders if you are, too. She served, and she's just waiting for you to return the ball. I know, I was her once.

Originally Posted by MMSmith

Now recently things have been changing a bit. For the better or not I haven't decided yet.
...Now I'm somewhat torn. The idea of swinging has always appealed to me, but I burried those thoughts a long time ago when I got married. Never in my wildest thoughts did I ever think that she may have the same interest. So now I'm seeing her in a completely different light and honestly... it's a bit unnerving.

Quite honestly, even if we did agree to try it out, this is something that neither of us has any experience with whatsoever.

Your feelings feelings are normal - we have all been there. Take all the time you need, think everything through.

There are as many ways to approach swinging, as there are couples. You two would need to forge your own way, learn all you can together, decide what you're both comfortable with, and what you're not. You can always revise your comfort zone along the way, if things change later as you go along. It's completely in your control, as a team. You can also both agree that if you try it out and either of you is uncomfortable for any reason, you slow it down or even stop, and re-evaluate. Your relationship always comes first.

Originally Posted by MMSmith

So I guess I'm looking for some feedback from people. Ladies, how did you get introduced into this? Did any of you drop any subtle or not so subtle hints for your man to pick up?

When I was still single and not dating anybody in particular, I had a FMF with a married couple. It was my first and only (at the time) sexual contact with a woman, first kiss, etc. It was an awesome experience for me, but I wrote it off as just one of those things I tried while I was single, never thought it would be something in my future when I found Mr. Right. Much later, after Mr. Right and I were married and in our first year of marriage, I told him about my FMF experience. After he recovered from the shock , he got intrigued and asked me lots of questions about how I felt about being with a woman, etc. At first, we were looking for FMF. Our very first step was to go to strip clubs together, to see what it felt like for us to flirt it up as a couple with another woman and just "test the waters" in that area. The test went GREAT, and the rest is history. However, like most couples, we learned quickly that finding an attractive single female for FMF is very difficult, and we graduated to seeking couples. We've been having fun ever since.

Originally Posted by MMSmith

and in general, when we do talk about it and if we decide to go forward, what is the next step?

My suggestions:
#1, show her this board (you've come to the right place, by the way!), read the FAQ's with her, read threads here, and learn, learn, learn.

#2, The more you both read here, the more questions you'll have, and the more things you'll see that you two need to discuss and agree on. You'll be forging your own style and developing how this would actually work for you two.

good luck!

[ShellyM]

I actually was the first one interested. Ummm, my advice since you have both already talked about the subject is to sit down and really discuss it. Find out if its a fantasy or something you really would be wanting to try. Then, if there is a swingers club in your area go, but not necessarily to play. That way you can get a taste of the lifestyle, and see how you feel. Take things slow!
And have fun.

Originally Posted by MMSmith

Hello, first time poster here.

I should say that my wife and I have a great sex life as is. We are very open with each other and talk a fair bit.

Now since we have been married I've always jokingly talked about a threesome, MFF. It's been a running gag for many years.

Now recently things have been changing a bit. For the better or not I haven't decided yet. She's been joking about having a bi-encounter or pointing out women that she finds attractive and then one day "matter of factly" says: "Well I think I'm Bi anyways"

Okay, I'm usually very quick to come up with a witty reply or something but I kinda stammered and the best I could come up with was "well I hope you invite me along too"

Now I'm somewhat torn. The idea of swinging has always appealed to me, but I burried those thoughts a long time ago when I got married. Never in my wildest thoughts did I ever think that she may have the same interest. So now I'm seeing her in a completely different light and honestly... it's a bit unnerving.

She's mentioned that watching me have sex with another woman would be a major turn on for her, and more recently she would be interested in exploring a bi-curious side of her.

Sooooo, I am in completely uncharted waters here and went searching for advice and stumbled across this site. I already know what the concensus of the replies will be, that I need to talk to her about it. But I'm looking for ideas of how to approch it. Make sure I'm reading the signs right and what to do from there?

Quite honestly, even if we did agree to try it out, this is something that neither of us has any experience with whatsoever.

So I guess I'm looking for some feedback from people. Ladies, how did you get introduced into this? Did any of you drop any subtle or not so subtle hints for your man to pick up? and in general, when we do talk about it and if we decide to go forward, what is the next step?

Thanks!

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by MMSmith

Now I'm somewhat torn. The idea of swinging has always appealed to me, but I burried those thoughts a long time ago when I got married. Never in my wildest thoughts did I ever think that she may have the same interest. So now I'm seeing her in a completely different light and honestly... it's a bit unnerving.

Welcome to the lifestyle.. lol That's probably one of swinging's defining characteristics: it's definitely unnerving. It forces you to face issues and problems that you can otherwise easily avoid...such as accepting one's spouse at face value, or taking stock of exactly how deeply held your convictions are, and the promises you made. Did you really mean it when you said "I do" or "I promise to love and cherish you", etc? (A rhetorical question). I love swinging because it throws us all off balance. We can't rely anymore on the familiar social scripts and cues. We can't fall back on old stereotypes that are so common. Old fashioned ideals are right out the window, and all that is left is reality. And in reality, women are horny too. And not "pornstar-style" horny, but un-pretty horny. Meaning, if she's multi-o, her sexual desire doesn't dissipate after you've had your orgasm; she's still ready to roll, and she knows how to enjoy her sexuality. She won't apologize for it. We're not the delicate, modest little things that Momma told you about. And it sounds like your wife is very sexually adventurous. This is a good thing. As long as you can trust her - and she can trust herself - to moderate her behaviour and act with restraint and sensitivity to her husband and to others, it sounds like you could both have some real fun.

Originally Posted by MMSmith

She's mentioned that watching me have sex with another woman would be a major turn on for her, and more recently she would be interested in exploring a bi-curious side of her.

Sooooo, I am in completely uncharted waters here and went searching for advice and stumbled across this site.

Keep reading. You'll be glad you found this site because it has a jaw-dropping amount of good solid information and advice. Use the search feature to find threads that deal with the issues you are most concerned about.

Originally Posted by MMSmith

But I'm looking for ideas of how to approch it. Make sure I'm reading the signs right and what to do from there?

Tip #1: Give up on reading "signs" between you. If you have a question, just ask her directly. This works best once you have made a deal with one another: that you won't get angry, fly off the handle, make assumptions or interrupt when one of you is asking a question. When questions are asked or answered, you should have rules in place, and the protocol for this kind of communicating should be followed each time. Ask questions seriously (don't hide behind jokes if it's a serious matter), and take questions seriously. When your spouse asks you a question, they deserve an answer. Don't leave the question unanswered.

Now, that said, you don't need to don ceremonial robes or anything (unless you really want to get kinky). Just at a relaxed and reflective moment (over coffee at breakfast after a night of raunchy sex?) just say, "So I've been thinkin'...were you serious about that idea you had? About swinging? 'Cause this is what I've been thinkin'..."

Originally Posted by MMSmith

Quite honestly, even if we did agree to try it out, this is something that neither of us has any experience with whatsoever.

So I guess I'm looking for some feedback from people. Ladies, how did you get introduced into this? Did any of you drop any subtle or not so subtle hints for your man to pick up? and in general, when we do talk about it and if we decide to go forward, what is the next step?

Thanks!

Mr. intuition was the one who brought it up, and I was...unnerved. Intrigued, but definitely uncomfortable with it. It's just going to take lots of time and patience. Just be true to yourselves.

[NandTfromCA]

Dito – As usual, Mrs. Intuition completes me (you know…in a message board kinda way)

Originally Posted by intuition897

It's just going to take lots of time and patience. Just be true to yourselves.

It could be you being patient with her or, you never know, her being patient with you.

You have talked about it enough that she should not be shocked that you would bring it up. Don't be surprised if she is adamantly opposed to the idea, but also don't be surprised if she jumps at it…and you become the one asking to take it slower.

T