Your newbie fears, and how you over came them.

[bigdmd]

There seem to be so many fear issues for a newbie to concider, myself included. What did you who are more experienced fear the most and how did you overcome them? Or do you still experience these fears?

[seattlecpl06]

I can't speak as an experienced person, since we have yet to swing. That being said, I think my biggest fear right now is that she'll like him more than me, and not be satisfied anymore. That's her biggest fear too; that I'll like my playmate more than her.

However, we've discussed this and we both know it's just insecurity. We know that we love and trust each other, that we're not going to play separately AT ALL (at least at first), that either of us can call it off with no shame at any time, and that ultimately, at the end of the night, it will be HER I will be going home with (and vice versa).

So I'm hoping that seeing her have sex with some hot guy (while I'm with some cute gal) will sort of "burn" that insecurity out of me and teach me to just enjoy her pleasure as well as my own.

I don't know if that's realistic or not, but it's what I hope.

[rpu3]

Originally Posted by bigdmd

There seem to be so many fear issues for a newbie to concider, myself included. What did you who are more experienced fear the most and how did you overcome them? Or do you still experience these fears?

Hmmm. After a whopping two experiences, I would say that I tend to fear that I cannot rely on my judgment any more as to people, and I sure can't rely on my husband's judgment and he's the social psychologist (which always cracks me up how he has misread people - sex can screw up your judgment)!

Our first choice (a couple) was absolutely disastrous, and despite trying to be friends anyway afterwards, it just went from bad to worse. So we decided not to do anything for a while. Second time around, we went the single male route. Again, a bad choice made - but not disastrous (sex was good, but as a person, different story).

Anyway, we've made adjustments, we really talk it out after we meet with someone, and we don't do anything immediately (as to online meetings with people). We also joined a club, and it's been helpful as to watching people interact and talking with others in a no pressure environment. While we've met a couple of people we think are nice and will potentially do something with, we've decided we need time after a meeting to do a "gut check" and talk, etc. We figured out that our overeagerness to try this out led to poor choices. In a way, it's alleviating our fears because it has served as an effective weeding process. Those who are truly jerks don't seem to be interested in waiting a few days after meeting - even though people are told up front that we are only meeting first.

I think my husband had performance fears, and that I'd have a bad time. The second experience alleviated that fear.

I think we tend towards being nervous now, more than fearful. But there definitely was a bit of fear involved at first, and any fear remaining tends to be more related to "is this a good person".

Rebecca
(coffee must have kicked in based on this novel!)

[Amanda69]

I had all sorts of fears, what should I do, how should I do it, would anyone like me, would I like anyone...would "those" people be some sort of weird sexual deviants... It is fun to think back on those days.

How I overcame them..well that was called jumping in with both feet. My partner at the time took me to a house party. The theme for the night was Ladies Only. The men were just there as escorts and got to play later after the ladies were done..wow what a night...

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by seattlecpl06

I can't speak as an experienced person, since we have yet to swing. That being said, I think my biggest fear right now is that she'll like him more than me, and not be satisfied anymore. That's her biggest fear too; that I'll like my playmate more than her.

However, we've discussed this and we both know it's just insecurity. We know that we love and trust each other, that we're not going to play separately AT ALL (at least at first), that either of us can call it off with no shame at any time, and that ultimately, at the end of the night, it will be HER I will be going home with (and vice versa).

So I'm hoping that seeing her have sex with some hot guy (while I'm with some cute gal) will sort of "burn" that insecurity out of me and teach me to just enjoy her pleasure as well as my own.

I don't know if that's realistic or not, but it's what I hope.

I'd have to say, generally, that insecurity can "burned out" by repetitive exposure to the aggravant about as successfully as an allergy to bees can be "burned out" by being stung repetitively. It doesn't work very well, from what I've read on here. Swinging isn't something that you learn to like or just get used to. Either you like it or you don't. Your best bet is to just keep the rules simple and flexible. Agree on activity boundaries (no intercourse, no kissing, no anal, whatever) and stick FIRMLY to them, agree to always keep the other person's feelings in mind when doing your thing, agree to speak up if you are truly uncomfortable with something that you or your partner is/are doing (VERY important!), and agree that this is just an experiment, and that nothing that happens at the encounter will be used against one another in the future.

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by seattlecpl06

I can't speak as an experienced person, since we have yet to swing. That being said, I think my biggest fear right now is that she'll like him more than me, and not be satisfied anymore. That's her biggest fear too; that I'll like my playmate more than her.

However, we've discussed this and we both know it's just insecurity. We know that we love and trust each other, that we're not going to play separately AT ALL (at least at first), that either of us can call it off with no shame at any time, and that ultimately, at the end of the night, it will be HER I will be going home with (and vice versa).

So I'm hoping that seeing her have sex with some hot guy (while I'm with some cute gal) will sort of "burn" that insecurity out of me and teach me to just enjoy her pleasure as well as my own.

I don't know if that's realistic or not, but it's what I hope.

One thing that's for sure is that you don't know how you'll react. Mr. Fuse and I both thought we'd be "okay" with seeing each other with a play partner, but it turns out we both really like it. This was a huge surprise. We like seeing each other have fun...

If you and your partner are insecure about whether you'll like your play partners more than each other, my advice is to talk about it with each other... a lot... before doing it. Are you afraid the sex will be better? It might be more intense because it's with a new partner, but if your sex life at home is good, then no one else can do for you what your SO does. If you have a secure relationship, you can keep hot playmate sex in perspective. If you don't have a secure relationship, you should ask yourself if you're ready to swing.

Good luck!

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by bigdmd

There seem to be so many fear issues for a newbie to concider, myself included. What did you who are more experienced fear the most and how did you overcome them? Or do you still experience these fears?

I would say I feared being inadequate for my wife. It's a stupid fear though and I realized that and that is why we able to move forward. As we did move forward it really sunk in that not only did she still crave sex with me, our sex life improved too. Now I know she may really want to have sex with a playmate sometimes, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want to have sex with me, or wants to have sex with them more than me. She will and has passed-up sex with others to just have sex with me that night. So all my fears were pretty much baseless. I knew it, I compartmentalized them where they should be, and over a short period of time they were proven as unfounded as they were.

Mr. WS

[seattlecpl06]

Originally Posted by intuition897

I'd have to say, generally, that insecurity can "burned out" by repetitive exposure to the aggravant about as successfully as an allergy to bees can be "burned out" by being stung repetitively. It doesn't work very well, from what I've read on here. Swinging isn't something that you learn to like or just get used to. Either you like it or you don't. Your best bet is to just keep the rules simple and flexible. Agree on activity boundaries (no intercourse, no kissing, no anal, whatever) and stick FIRMLY to them, agree to always keep the other person's feelings in mind when doing your thing, agree to speak up if you are truly uncomfortable with something that you or your partner is/are doing (VERY important!), and agree that this is just an experiment, and that nothing that happens at the encounter will be used against one another in the future.

Hmm, thanks for the thoughtful response. But... (you knew there was a "but"

I obviously can't speak from experience. But I know that one of the way shrinks decrease a person's phobias is through exposure. The idea is that your imagination of something is a million times worse than the real thing, and once you see the real thing, it really loses a lot of its fears.

An example; when I was a virgin, I had a lot of fears about sex. Would I enjoy it? Would I be any good at it? Was my penis too small? The answers (yes, not at first but I learned, rather the opposite) required me to just sort of jump in head first (as others have said) and "burn" these fears out through exposure to reality.

What I'm thinking is that my phobias about my partner liking sex with someone else better are just that: phobias, insecurities, whatever the correct psychobabble is. I suspect that by exposure to the reality, seeing her taking pleasure and having it be okay (through, as you say, rule and boundary setting) will, over time, lessen my fears and allow me to just relax into it. In other words, it will sort of "burn out" my fears through exposure to reality.

That's the hope, anyway. Other things in life have worked this way -- the reality of a feared event dispelled the fear of that event -- so I'm hoping this will too.

Of course... what do I know? I still haven't DONE anything.

[seattlecpl06]

Originally Posted by WesternSwing

I would say I feared being inadequate for my wife. It's a stupid fear though and I realized that and that is why we able to move forward. As we did move forward it really sunk in that not only did she still crave sex with me, our sex life improved too. Now I know she may really want to have sex with a playmate sometimes, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want to have sex with me, or wants to have sex with them more than me. She will and has passed-up sex with others to just have sex with me that night. So all my fears were pretty much baseless. I knew it, I compartmentalized them where they should be, and over a short period of time they were proven as unfounded as they were.

Mr. WS

I think this is exactly what I was trying to say. And much more compactly and better put. I think that this fear (that we'll be inadequate and our partner will want someone else) is maybe even pretty common at first. That's my guess.

[seattlecpl06]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

One thing that's for sure is that you don't know how you'll react. Mr. Fuse and I both thought we'd be "okay" with seeing each other with a play partner, but it turns out we both really like it. This was a huge surprise. We like seeing each other have fun...

If you and your partner are insecure about whether you'll like your play partners more than each other, my advice is to talk about it with each other... a lot... before doing it. Are you afraid the sex will be better? It might be more intense because it's with a new partner, but if your sex life at home is good, then no one else can do for you what your SO does. If you have a secure relationship, you can keep hot playmate sex in perspective. If you don't have a secure relationship, you should ask yourself if you're ready to swing.

Good luck!

Thanks for the advice. I think we both suspect that things will turn out like they did for you. We're both really honest that right now, there's a grain of fear and insecurity. But we also both know that we're extremely intrigued and a little turned on by the idea of seeing our partner getting pleasured (as long as it's within rules and boundaries, etc.)

I suspect that our experience will be a lot like yours, because we're both doing a LOT of talking and research about this before jumping in, and when we DO jump in, we both know that we want to go slow, slow, slow at first. Maybe just meet some other couples and go out on a "date" with them with the understanding that we're not going to DO anything (if any couples are even willing! *laugh*)

[bigdmd]

Thank you for all of your responses. I think the fear of she / he preferring the other partner is something we dealt with by remembering that my spouse knows all of my hot buttons and the new person doesn't which really made my husband feel like he has the edge. I have learned I had some new buttons which of course I shared that info with my spouse. I guess my issues are more in others finding out and how that effects my family, any help here?

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by seattlecpl06

Hmm, thanks for the thoughtful response. But... (you knew there was a "but"

I obviously can't speak from experience. But I know that one of the way shrinks decrease a person's phobias is through exposure. The idea is that your imagination of something is a million times worse than the real thing, and once you see the real thing, it really loses a lot of its fears.

An example; when I was a virgin, I had a lot of fears about sex. Would I enjoy it? Would I be any good at it? Was my penis too small? The answers (yes, not at first but I learned, rather the opposite) required me to just sort of jump in head first (as others have said) and "burn" these fears out through exposure to reality.

What I'm thinking is that my phobias about my partner liking sex with someone else better are just that: phobias, insecurities, whatever the correct psychobabble is. I suspect that by exposure to the reality, seeing her taking pleasure and having it be okay (through, as you say, rule and boundary setting) will, over time, lessen my fears and allow me to just relax into it. In other words, it will sort of "burn out" my fears through exposure to reality.

That's the hope, anyway. Other things in life have worked this way -- the reality of a feared event dispelled the fear of that event -- so I'm hoping this will too.

Of course... what do I know? I still haven't DONE anything.

Okay, I see what you're saying now. And you're right. It's a bit like being afraid of monsters in your closet. When you just grit your teeth, stand up and flip on the light, you see that it was just a shadow of something very familiar and decidedly UN-scary, and you're no longer afraid.

What I was saying previously would've been intended for new couples who were not just nervous, but reluctant. I just meant that if you don't really like the idea to begin with, it's just going to fester the more often you do it. Sounds like it doesn't really apply here.

[Bad Sandy]

We haven't taken the plunge yet but I think my biggest worry is the "after". Everything's fine during the playtime but what about after? Do you flee your swing partner to cuddle with your spouse? Do you stay in your swing partner's arms? Perhaps this changes with each situation. Hmmm....

[good times]

Our main fear was how we would react seeing our mate having sex with someone else. Turns out it was a non-issue, we were both so turned on by it that we screwed like rabbits for a couple of weeks afterward.

[seattlecpl06]

Originally Posted by intuition897

Okay, I see what you're saying now. And you're right. It's a bit like being afraid of monsters in your closet. When you just grit your teeth, stand up and flip on the light, you see that it was just a shadow of something very familiar and decidedly UN-scary, and you're no longer afraid.

What I was saying previously would've been intended for new couples who were not just nervous, but reluctant. I just meant that if you don't really like the idea to begin with, it's just going to fester the more often you do it. Sounds like it doesn't really apply here.

EXACTLY! In fact your tagline says it all!

Or, to quote Frank Herbert's Dune (yes, I'm a geek ):

Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear... And when it is gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.