Husband getting too involved with play partner

[pumpkins1970]

I have a question and I'm wondering if anyone can help!! Let me start off by telling you a little about me and mr. pumpkin, we have been together for 13+ years and have been happy in our relationship and get along very well, mr. pumpkin came to me with the idea of swinging about a year ago, we have had alot of fun with it and met some very nice people, we play together as a couple and do not play alone, and we are very open with one another, but he has been talking on the computer with another female ( I think it is getting a little out of hand) he talks to her every night on the computer and even told her where he was working (knowing that this girl likes him, and would show up there) and he even put on one of his nicer work shirts. I didn't know about any of this intill after it happend, and I think he just told me out of guilt, but I'm very hurt and angry that he did this to me and really don't know what to do about it, I feel that it was cheating and it does not set right with me. He has said he was sorry, but I'm having a very hard time accepting his appology, and maybe this thread is for me just to vent, but I never thought it would come to this point.

[daisy girl]

Hey there. I have a couple of quick questions that will help me understand the situation a little better. First, is this girl a swing partner (or as hubby and I like to say "do you share port with her?") Next, did she show up at his work and was there sex involved? Next, what is the nature of the chats, sexual, non-sexual, a mix? And...does he talk about you during the chats?

n

porttasters on SLS

[JP51]

Ok, let me say, it appears he is either just doing a lot of flirting or he is getting something from her that is not in a swinging relationship; Or heck they could just share a lot of things in common. Set down and talk it out, take a time out from that couple! Taking a time out, will get over the "man was the sex just so great"; issue, if there is more to it; it will come out over time.

I have flirted a lot, after the first meet, after the first sex, but never in secret, and we keep a common email account for folks we play with, we do not use seperate email for our special friends. That way if I say something, my wife knows what I said, she can read the email anytime, and I can read what she post...more often than not, one of use tell the other one to read a message to them.

Now to the direct question, yes. I have crossed the line, but it was even before we were playing with the couple (long term friends), and I did not know how close we had become until after we played. We did take a time out, it worked, we are still close (still vacation and play together as a group), but it not I have to talk to her daily thing anymore.

[funcpl4life]

Originally Posted by pumpkins1970

*snip* we play together as a couple and do not play alone, and we are very open with one another, but he has been talking on the computer with another female ( I think it is getting a little out of hand) he talks to her every night on the computer and even told her where he was working (knowing that this girl likes him, and would show up there) and he even put on one of his nicer work shirts. I didn't know about any of this intill after it happend, and I think he just told me out of guilt, *snip*

In my book, cheating is anything that you can't tell your spouse or SO about.

In our marriage, there is no "line of death". If you think the other person will be mad about something you're doing. Odds are, they probably will. If you think telling them about what happened will lead to some hot sex, it's probably OK.

A friend of mine just had her marriage break up over one kiss, some hand touching and eye gazing. (That and a deep seated incompatibility.) It would be nothing to me, but she knew she shouldn't be doing it when it happened and she knew her SO would be upset. It was cheating.

I know that I could never let someone into my life in a way that would interfere with my love for Mrs. FC4L. It just couldn't happen. How do I know that? It happened once and I know what it feels like and will never do it again.

That's why I can look at some python-dicked muscle boy banging the snot out of her and think about how much I love her.

Mr. FC4L

[pumpkins1970]

Hello and thank you for your thoughts so far. Daisy Girl you asked me if there was sex involved, no, he had never seen her before, but I would never meet anyone without my husband being present, like I say we always play as a couple and for him to do this even if it sounds harmless to him, it did raise some red flags for me. I guess she does have a partner/husband, but I don't know if he wants to or if he even knows about the swinging part of it. I just didn't like the part where he felt he had to look nice in front of her, I mean that tells me that he must be interested in her somewhat, and I still consider that cheating, and I wish he would have told me this was going to happen(her going to his work site) because I would have told him that I didn't think that is was right or fair to me for him to do that. You also asked me about their conversations, and yes they are sexual and non-sexual, he does play yahoo games with her also, but I have walked in and seen her half undressed on the cam, and that doesn't even bother me we are into this lifestyle, and I'm not a jealous person, I mean we do have sex with other couples, but like I say it just didn't set right with me.

[EvilMJ]

Gotta tell you, I see a LOT of red flags here.

We have a firm agreement on one major point in our marriage - we NEVER do anything, speak to, meet with, message with, cam with anyone without talking to our SO first. Then once everyone is comfortable with things, and have agreed upon what we feel comfortable with and what we don't feel comfortable with then we proceed. I like to play the game of 'other people's shoes' and never do anything that I couldn't handle if the roles were reversed.

To me I can understand your feelings of hurt and betrayal - swinging is about having fun sexually as a couple - what he is doing boarders on a relationship and he is doing it with out involving you. It does walk that fine line towards cheating.

I think you need to talk to him, tell him that he needs to break it off with this woman becuase it is threatening the stablitiy of your marriage, and if you are going to continue to swing in the future then it has to be as a couple, acting together, not with one half finding out things later on. I think he is getting a little too caught up in things and needs to take a step back.

I think you have every right to feel the way you do and maybe now is the time to revisit any rules you had in beginning.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by pumpkins1970

we play together as a couple and do not play alone,

and we are very open with one another,

but he has been talking on the computer with another female ( I think it is getting a little out of hand) he talks to her every night on the computer and even told her where he was working (knowing that this girl likes him, and would show up there) and he even put on one of his nicer work shirts. I didn't know about any of this intill after it happend, and I think he just told me out of guilt, but I'm very hurt and angry that he did this to me and really don't know what to do about it, I feel that it was cheating and it does not set right with me. He has said he was sorry, but I'm having a very hard time accepting his appology, and maybe this thread is for me just to vent, but I never thought it would come to this point.

I think you have every right to be hurt and angry. My husband and I swing, but I would be equally upset with what your husband did. This scenario isn't about swinging, at all. In swinging, everything us up front. This meeting that he arranged with a girl off the 'net was behind your back.

I get the impression that this girl isn't a lifestyle connection, and she's got nothing to do with you, right? Just some girl he started talking to, and now talks to every day? This isn't about swinging - this is about him developing some sort of relationship or connection with another woman. You said she "likes him" and he knew she'd come to see him - sounds like they've been nurturing a crush - feelings for each other.

You said that you "play together as a couple and you don't play alone". This is the agreement the two of you have. But, your husband doesn't seem to be respecting this boundary in a non-swinging situation, such as telling a woman where he works without your knowing it, and having her show up there to meet him - without you.

You said "we are very open with one another", but he hasn't been open with you about what's going on in his head about this woman, and why he would go behind your back.

I hope your husband really IS sorry, as he's decided to tell you about it after the fact and apologize. Now he should prove it by cutting off contact with that girl. If it were me, it might take me some time to rebuild my trust in him, since he met her and who knows, maybe he's got her phone number now, maybe he'll plan to meet her again, maybe she'll show up where he works again. He'd have to earn my trust back. YES, you have sex with other people when you swing, but there's nothing in the least bit sneaky or separate about it.

In our case, from the beginning of exploring the Lifestyle, we share one joint email account and one IM account as a couple. Even if one of us is writing a friend while the other isn't there, we can go back and view everything. We even do the courtesy of leaving the IM conversation up on the screen so it's there to see when the other gets back. We don't even respond to Lifestyle personals without making that a joint decision. When we have established Lifestyle friends, we may have conversations with them separately, but like I said everything's in the open and can be seen. This really cements the trust we have in each other, and it's part of the mutual respect and regard for each other that's so important to be able to swing and feel great about it.

I'd work this out with your husband and be really clear what the boundaries are. He needs to know what the lines are, and not cross them anymore. He crossed the line big-time with meeting this girl. Personally, I think daily chats like he's been doing are crossing the line. If he's sorry and wants to fix this, he needs to stop all of that, in my opinion.

I hope that everything works out for you!

[LOL_OMG]

I am totally right there with EvilMJ and Tybee. I would also feel hurt and betrayed. Swinging in itself is so much about trust...I might recommend that you step back from swinging for a bit.

I would definately ask him to cut off all communication with her, at least for now. Have him get another yahoo ID if he still wants to play games online.

Mrs

[pumpkins1970]

Mr. Pump here, yes I admit I made an error in thinking my wife would not mind myself meeting this woman, even if it was just for a minute to say hello. I met this woman and her husband online one night in an AFF chatroom, and have been chatting with her/them ever since, aprrox 6-7 weeks ago. After I did meet this woman, (there was another person present). We said hello, have a nice day, ttyl. I told my wife that I had met her. My wife did not immediately tell me me this had upset her, in retrospect though, I can see why it would. I have apologized profusely, vowed never to do it again, I have explained this to the woman I had met, and now have stopped talking to her altogether. What I thought was an innocent meeting, it lasted maybe 2-3 minutes, looks like something that I really never should have done. I cannot say I am sorry enough to my wife.My wife is the best woman I have ever met, and I would never do a thing that I would think would cause her pain. I'm hoping she has the room in her heart to forgive me, for it is killing me that she is so upset.

[LOL_OMG]

Mr Pump very cool of you to get on here and give your side. It does sound like this was a screw up on your part and I'm sure you learned from it. Just remember, you really don't know how a person will react unless you ask them about it (preferrably first, lol)

You sound very sincere, and I'm sure Mrs. Pump can tell that. BTW, Mr LOL got in trouble from me once just for emailing someone before I even got to check out their profile. Always do things together...

Mrs

[Tybee Swing]

Mr. Pump, you sound very sincere. I'm glad that you decided to not keep up the chats with this woman any more, for your wife's sake.

Did you see all the ways on this thread that other couples keep all of the lines of communication 100% open together (joint email, joint IM)? Maybe if you and your wife talk about all the practical ways that this could be better, and come to agreements about how to handle various aspects of communicating with other people (camming, cybering, etc.), you'll both feel a lot better and know how to handle things as they come up.

I sensed that your wife was unhappy with your daily communications and nude camming she walked in on, before you ever met the woman in person. Mrs. Pump, I'd like to suggest that you learn to open up and be more verbal with your feelings, right when you're feeling something. You have a right to express yourself. Share whatever is the right comfort level, for you.

Good luck to you both.

[intuition897]

Mr. & Mrs. Pumpkins, I sincerely hope this works out for the two of you. Mr. Pump, you seem very sincere. It's often WAY too easy to hurt our loved ones, even though we try our best. Then we have to berate ourselves for our recklessness. And Mrs. Pump, it's also way too easy to get caught up in the feeling of the hurts that others have caused, making it difficult to forgive them for it.

The good news is that you're both in the lifestyle, so you KNOW there's just no need to lie to one another about this stuff. That makes life so much easier. All that's left is learning to trust one another's intentions. Mrs. Pump, you know Mr. Pump wouldn't do something like this on purpose, don't you? He loves you more than to give you up for some silly infatuation, right? If he has apologized for it, and is sincerely sorry for his blunder, then you should really just let it go. So it hurt. So what? Are you going to allow a perfectly good relationship to be ruined because you're focused on feeling some unpleasant emotions? Or are you just going to see these unpleasant emotions as signposts to a way to improve your relationship? You got lemons. So make some lemonade.

Even if he did make the grave error of leaning too far toward actual intended adultery, everyone makes mistakes. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is a myth. It's true more often than not, of course, but swingers are a rare breed who thrive on honesty. If he made this kind of mistake, and he regrets it, you can bet he regrets it to the Nth degree. Everyone makes stupid mistakes. Again...would you allow a single lapse of judgment to determine whether your marriage will continue or not? It's just MHO, but I wouldn't if I were you. Habitual lying and disrespect are another matter altogether, but a single incident that will never be repeated is, in fact, forgiveable. It just sucks.

Best of luck with this, guys!

[EvilMJ]

Well I think this is actually a good lesson learned Mr. P. Not just for you either. It is so easy to get caught up in something and not realize that it might be hurting someone else. Just to be safe, and ensure I don't cross any lines I always make sure Hubby knows exactly who I am chatting to and I save the converastion for him to read. He usually doesn't but it is there for him should he change his mind. I just want him to know I am not hiding anything.

It's good that you guys can work this out, and Mr. P. it is clear that you love your wife. Isn't communication great.

[sinnerstoo]

tell his sorry ass that swingingn together doesn't include cheating....by the way this problem is inevitable when people swing...consider knocking it off...it's not going to work for you...

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by sinnerstoo

tell his sorry ass that swingingn together doesn't include cheating....by the way this problem is inevitable when people swing...consider knocking it off...it's not going to work for you...

Oh, oh I think I found a new troll!