Going Full swap for the first time, but not sure we are ready

[NeotericCpl]

I put this in the "New Swingers" board because while it is an advice question that anyone could have, I think it's most common for those starting out.

We're unmarried and don't live together, and have been together less than a year. We got in to the Lifestyle mainly to give a boost to our social life, help her explore her bi side, and really just experience things we couldn't experience alone. Playing with other partners was just kind of a nice bonus

Our first experience was a little over a month ago. We attended a house party, hit it off with another couple. The girls played, and it moved on to soft swap with them, along with touching with some other of the party members. It was a great night, and we felt totally comfortable with what had happend. Our second experience was over the 4th of July, meeting another couple for dinner, and doing similar activities. Also an awesome night, and we hung out with them the next morning going for a walk and talking some pictures. Both times, we agreed that seeing our partner with someone else was a big turnon, and would have been OK with things going further.

Now our current situation. We've met with a 3rd couple twice for dinner and drinks, each time talking for several hours and having a great time with no physical contact. We have a lot in common with them, and didn't even discuss swinging more than a couple minutes. Last time, we made the suggestion of getting a hotel room for our next meeting, since none of us can host. They liked the idea, and we've set a date for next week. We were both very excited, first because we enjoy spending time with this couple, and also because we'd reached a comfort level with them so that anything would be game. They are a full swap couple, and we figured it would be a great opportunity for our first full swap experience.

However, as our "date" gets closer, both of us are getting a little nervous. The idea of going all the way for the first time has a lot to do with it, but I think it also has something to do with the couple themselves. They are our age, very attractive, unmarried (but engaged), and live about 10 minutes away. The others were married, lived several hours away, and were attractive but not quite our ideal physical types.

I guess I have 3 questions...

1. I've picked up some anxiety vibes from my GF. I think this is mainly due to the female in the other couple is as attractive as her, and her and I have a lot in common (similar education, work in the same field, etc) and have had strong chemistry in our meetings. We've had practically no jealousy or insecurity issues up to this point, but think there's some potential for that here. I've told my GF that while I do find the other woman attractive, she has nothing to worry about. What are some ways I can assure her of this non-verbally?

2. While we had planned on going full swap, perhaps it be wiser to stick to soft swap our first time with them, then move on to full in the future? This seems logical, but there's a bit of a peer pressure factor here, knowing they they are full swap and might be disappointed. Also, hotel rooms in Seattle aren't cheap, and my GF will be away next month. So, it's kind of a "now or never" type thing.

3. If we find full swap really isn't our thing, is it possible that that going back to just soft might not be as "special" as it was for us before? All our experiences have been great so far, and it almost feels like we're risking something by moving to the next level, especially having done this for less than 2 months.

Thanks everyone!

[good times]

1. I don't know, I find that when assurances are needed verball assurances are the best way to go.

2. One thing to keep in mind is that if at any time, even during play, one of you starts feeling uncomfortable with what is happening it is ok to stop. A lot of couples even have a secret word or something that means "we need to stop now". We don't have any secret code or anything but we both keep aware about how things our going with each other and if one of us is having problems we stop and regroup.

3. I don't really have an answer for this as we aren't into soft swap except as a form of foreplay for full swap.

[newandexcited]

I'm not an expert as me and my wife have yet to actually swing but I see two schools of thought here.

On the one hand you should look for and respond to little red flags like this. First, find out if there is something that you are doing that is setting off your woman's jealousy. Are you diggin this possible playmate a bit too much? Talking about her too much or whatever? Also your worry about taking a step too far too fast and possibly ruining any future soft-swap fun is legitimate and should be thought more about. Basically if you feel you must slow down, then do so.

Now the counter to the above thoughts. I don't remember who it is on this board but someone has a neat quote by Andretti...that if you feel in complete control your not going fast enough....or something to that effect. Basically that things with great rewards have great risk. So yes you might ruin the future soft-swaps but you might just find that this couple is the perfect one to join full-swap with.

So, now that I've sufficently said nothing I'll close with this. Whichever school of thought you choose, make it a reason for you and your GF. Don't worry about disappointing the other couple. Don't worry about a "now or never" mentality cause that's BS. Swinging is for you as a couple and that is where you have to keep your loyalties.

[NeotericCpl]

We definately won't do anything we're not comfortable with, so no worries there. The other two couples were full swap, and while I gathered they may have been slightly disappointed, they understood we were knew and we all had a great time, and plan to meet both at a later date where we'd pick up where we left off.

I guess the bigger question is how do you know if soft or full swap is right for you? We'd like to know, so we can figure out what types of things we're like to do together. But, my real fear is that everything's going great, we feel comfortable, swap, and then later realize it was mistake.

She's enjoyed watching me kiss another woman, and I've enjoyed watching her please another man. While we're not putoff by seeing the other go all the way with another partner, it's not a fantasy of either one of ours either.

[newandexcited]

Originally Posted by NeotericCpl

. While we're not putoff by seeing the other go all the way with another partner, it's not a fantasy of either one of ours either.

So if it isn't a fantasy for either of you then why rush into it?

Basic risk assessment here.
1) What you have is great.
2)What your thinking of adding isn't really adding any excitement.
3) By adding it you could destroy what you have.

Conclusion: don't add it.


just my opinion of course but it seems that you've already answered yourself in your post. You don't seem ready to move on to full swap.

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by NeotericCpl

I put this in the "New Swingers" board because while it is an advice question that anyone could have, I think it's most common for those starting out.

We're unmarried and don't live together, and have been together less than a year. We got in to the Lifestyle mainly to give a boost to our social life, help her explore her bi side, and really just experience things we couldn't experience alone. Playing with other partners was just kind of a nice bonus

It's good that you and your girlfriend are giving this some serious thought. However, you may want to consider a few things. There are some couples who swing together without a long-term commitment within their relationship, like you and your girlfriend. However, swinging is most often enjoyed the most by couples who have been together a while and intend to stay that way. Those couples tend to have a very strong bond and would not feel threatened if their mates' playmate is someone they would find "date-able" in real life. You said your girlfriend has some anxiety over this. If you two had been married for ten years, my advice would be to tell her (in as many different verbal ways as you can muster) that she is your priority, and you are not leaving her for anyone else. At less than a year and not living together, maybe you feel this way, but maybe you don't. One of your posts on another thread indicated that you two had been planning to break up when you started swinging. You are closer now, but how secure are you, really? How much reason would your girlfriend have for her anxiety, really?

I'm sorry if this seems like this is an attack. My intent is for you to carefully examine whether your relationship is going to sustain swinging, whether it is soft, full, watching, or whatever it is.

Originally Posted by NeotericCpl

Our first experience was a little over a month ago. We attended a house party, hit it off with another couple. The girls played, and it moved on to soft swap with them, along with touching with some other of the party members. It was a great night, and we felt totally comfortable with what had happend. Our second experience was over the 4th of July, meeting another couple for dinner, and doing similar activities. Also an awesome night, and we hung out with them the next morning going for a walk and talking some pictures. Both times, we agreed that seeing our partner with someone else was a big turnon, and would have been OK with things going further.

That's great that you talked about it afterwards. That helps a lot. And congratulations on your positive experiences!

Originally Posted by NeotericCpl

Now our current situation. We've met with a 3rd couple twice for dinner and drinks, each time talking for several hours and having a great time with no physical contact. We have a lot in common with them, and didn't even discuss swinging more than a couple minutes. Last time, we made the suggestion of getting a hotel room for our next meeting, since none of us can host. They liked the idea, and we've set a date for next week. We were both very excited, first because we enjoy spending time with this couple, and also because we'd reached a comfort level with them so that anything would be game. They are a full swap couple, and we figured it would be a great opportunity for our first full swap experience.

However, as our "date" gets closer, both of us are getting a little nervous. The idea of going all the way for the first time has a lot to do with it, but I think it also has something to do with the couple themselves. They are our age, very attractive, unmarried (but engaged), and live about 10 minutes away. The others were married, lived several hours away, and were attractive but not quite our ideal physical types.

I guess I have 3 questions...

1. I've picked up some anxiety vibes from my GF. I think this is mainly due to the female in the other couple is as attractive as her, and her and I have a lot in common (similar education, work in the same field, etc) and have had strong chemistry in our meetings. We've had practically no jealousy or insecurity issues up to this point, but think there's some potential for that here. I've told my GF that while I do find the other woman attractive, she has nothing to worry about. What are some ways I can assure her of this non-verbally?

Why would you want to try to communicate something this important without words? If she has nothing to worry about, tell her that yes, this is someone you'd find interesting on that level outside of swinging, but you are committed to your girlfriend and someone else can't challenge that. And another piece of advice is to make sure you find out for sure what is causing her anxiety -- before you see the other couple again. Above, you wrote "I think this is mainly due..." I can't stress enough, that if you haven't discussed this exact question with your girlfriend, you should. That way you can address her real feelings without wondering if there is something you've missed.

Originally Posted by NeotericCpl

2. While we had planned on going full swap, perhaps it be wiser to stick to soft swap our first time with them, then move on to full in the future? This seems logical, but there's a bit of a peer pressure factor here, knowing they they are full swap and might be disappointed. Also, hotel rooms in Seattle aren't cheap, and my GF will be away next month. So, it's kind of a "now or never" type thing.

3. If we find full swap really isn't our thing, is it possible that that going back to just soft might not be as "special" as it was for us before? All our experiences have been great so far, and it almost feels like we're risking something by moving to the next level, especially having done this for less than 2 months.

Thanks everyone!

2. I think that first of all, you should know what you want before you get there, and be consistent. It sounds like you will do that, which is great. There might be a little implied pressure just because the other couple desires you, but if they respect you they won't try to convince you. If you tell them beforehand that you are not sure you're going full swap, and for them to not expect it unless told otherwise, then you are doing the right thing. And finally, try not to let lust decide for you. Easier said than done, of course.

3. I can't really answer this. You may not find out unless it happens. If you go full swap and don't like it for some reason, and are happier with soft swap, then I don't know why it would be a problem to go back. As far as it being "special", I might subsitute the word "intense", and then IMO it's a true statement. But if you are happier that way, well, that speaks for itself. One thing I can say from experience is that you should expect to have feelings you did not anticipate, but they might be good feelings more than bad.

Good luck! Please let us know what happens.

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by newandexcited

So if it isn't a fantasy for either of you then why rush into it?

Basic risk assessment here.
1) What you have is great.
2)What your thinking of adding isn't really adding any excitement.
3) By adding it you could destroy what you have.

Conclusion: don't add it.


just my opinion of course but it seems that you've already answered yourself in your post. You don't seem ready to move on to full swap.

I respectfully disagree with newandexcited's post here.

Before Mr. Fuse and I started swinging, I thought I'd be "okay" with seeing him with another woman. But I didn't anticipate that that would actually be part of the fun for me. I wanted him to have a good time, and I wanted to be with other men, and I wanted for us to do it together. But fantasize about Mr. Fuse and another woman? No way.

During our first experience, I could not believe how much seeing him with the other woman turned me on. That's one of those "unexpected reactions" I referred to above.

So, I'd say to the OP that unless you have bad feelings about seeing your partner with someone else -- which from your other posts, you don't -- that not fantasizing about your partner with someone else isn't a reason to rule out full swap. There may be other reasons, though.

[NeotericCpl]

Originally Posted by newandexcited

Are you diggin this possible playmate a bit too much? Talking about her too much or whatever?

We actually both dug them both from a physical standpoint, and from their interests and personalities. That's new territory for us. In fact, we were concerned at first doing anything physical with them might be weird. However, after our second experience where we hung out with our playmates the next morning, that concern disappeared.

We know that going from swingers to swingers + friends is great, but going the other way around is tricky. Part of the reason we're wanting to move forward on the physical side is so we don't get too "attached", and then try doing things after that's happend. That's another factor in the timeframe.

For an ongoing swingers + friends relationship with another couple (which is the eventual goal here), what's the best way to go? Anything we should watch out for?

[NeotericCpl]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

Those couples tend to have a very strong bond and would not feel threatened if their mates' playmate is someone they would find "date-able" in real life. You said your girlfriend has some anxiety over this.

I think you nailed it right there - it's the "date-able" factor that's adding to the complications. Just to clear it up, he's a good looking guy who plays in a band and rides a motorcycle, and someone she would be very interested in if she were single. Our past experiences were driven by F/F chemistry, and here the M/F chemistry is the highlight which is why swapping has great potential, but also some risk. I should also probably mention this couple has only been together about a year (probably part of the reason we bonded with them so quickly). Even among couples we've met in their 20s, 3+ years married seems pretty standard.

As far as the security of our relationship, I know that I would never leave her for someone we meet doing this, and plan to tell her that this weekend. It's simply apples and oranges. I think her concern is that with me having sex with other women, she'll no longer "do it" for me. I don't see how that could ever happen either. She has a high sex drive, amazing body, is very responsive, and experimental. We definately don't need others to enjoy sex; it's just something we both find interesting and fun.

I'll tell her this too. Thanks,

[NeotericCpl]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

During our first experience, I could not believe how much seeing him with the other woman turned me on. That's one of those "unexpected reactions" I referred to above.

Good point..something I hadn't consciously thought of. While we haven't officially put it in our fantasy list (she'd like to try MMF and DP, but that's a little different), the fact that we both became turned on by seeing the other play with someone else indicates we'd most likely enjoy it.

I think our plan will be to talk about it a bit this weekend, and also run over things before the date to see how we feel that night. Honestly, this may boil down to just a lot of overthinking on our part. The other experiences were fairly spontaneous, where we set some base rules and just went with what was comfortable. Here, due to planning involved (hotel room, etc) and the fact that we'd like an ungoing relationship, we want to make sure we're making the right choice and doing it the right way.

[HotCoupleGnS]

i say go for wheatever happens and you all feel comfortable with...........we would always do nothing that hurts either of us so do what you feel is right

[NeotericCpl]

Well just wanted to post everyone an update...

Our play date got delayed a few weeks due to scheduling complications, but we finally got together last week. My GF actually was the one who moved things along, suggesting we all get on the bed, etc. The girls played, guys joined in, and we ended up working on the other female together and getting a nice MFFM train going (firsts for us), and we always stayed within touching distance but did not go beyond soft swap. The play session went 3 rounds and lasted over 2 hours!

Everybody left with a smile, and we were invited to hang out with their vanilla friends the following night. We would have, but already had plans.

All in all, feeling good about the situation. We haven't discussed specifics yet, but I get the feeling we may end up being a soft swap couple. I do know if we go full swap it will probably be reserved for those we've played with before, so it will be interested to see how things go with this couple.