She brought up it and now she won't even talk about it

[deejayc]

Hello.. I'm a total newbie to ths kind of things.
My wife and I have been married for over 6 years. I was also her first and only sex partner. Few months ago she has mentioned that she would like to try the swinging scene. At that time I balked at the idea, for no real reason, although deep inside I wanted this... maybe I didn't want her to see me wanting more than just her... don't ask me now, it was a matter of few seconds after which everything was over. Anyway, she took this as if I had something against it and never talked about it again.
I gave it a second thought and I brought the subject up again. However, this time she was the one rejecting it, saying that she couldn't have sex with someone she doesn't really know well and/or like (remember she has only had sex with me), that she wouldn't be comfortable showing her extra lbs to someone else, etc, etc, but I am sure it has something to do with the fact that I didn't agree the first time and now she thinks that I brought the subject up because I want to have an affair with someone else.
Now honestly, I do want to try the swinging scene... but I really don't know how to proceed... so it becomes her idea again. Each subsequent time I even tried to bring it up I hit a wall... but once she admitted that she would like (at a certain point, not now) to try with someone else. Since she was the first to bring it up I am sure that she really thought about it and she wants it... but now won't admit.
Any suggestions?

[NandTfromCA]

Do you NEED to swing? Would you be ok with it if she looked into it and decided that she REALLY does NOT want to?

If you don’t need to and can accept that she really may not want to, reassure her of that. Then see if she is willing to explore this site with you. If the answer is still “no”, you should probably respect her position and drop it. That may be the end of it, or she might approach you again down the road.

If she says she is interested in entertaining the idea…no commitment from either of you to actually do anything at this point…log in TOGETHER and check out the FAQ and search the archives for any specific questions you have.

Just remember, make your point be known and accept her feelings. This is one of those things that if you push too much (even mentioning it is too much after a few "no"s) it will have the opposite of your desired effect.

[LOL_OMG]

Hi and welcome to the board!

I have a couple of observations....first your statement has a few "I think" or "I'm sure". Do you really know for a fact how your wife thinks? I would have a sit down and talk things out how you both feel. Almost everyone has a tendancy to assume things because they think they know their spouse so well. In reality sometimes fantasies are a person's most intimate secrets, and even just the simple act of sharing them can draw you closer than you could imagine.

Secondly, swinging is not always about screwing someone else. We know a few couples who don't swap at all...they will have sex in the same room as someone else. Other people we know only soft swap and don't have intercourse with anyone other than their spouse. There are many things to consider...

I would also recommend that you show her this site so that she can read for herself, it is something you can both look at together...but the bottom line is that if she (or you) don't want to pursue swinging you shouldn't.

Mrs

[deejayc]

Do I *NEED* it? No. Do I *WANT* it? Yes.
I know deep inside she wants at least to try with another man, she has recently admitted it. I would be OK if she said "no" to the whole and really meant it, but right now, after few short discussions I am sure she "doesn't want" just because of me hesitating the first time. All my attempts to open the subject were treated by her as if I wanted it just for me while not wanting her to do it.
So to go any further it has to be something coming from her again... not from me in any way... She is stubborn sometimes and anything coming from me will increase her "opposition", although, as I have said, I am 100% sure she wants it (I know her well enough, trust me on this one).
So how do I get her to come with the idea by herself?

[sereneiders]

SOmething that isn't clear for me is if she talked about swinging as a fantasy, because that may have beem the case.

Fantasy and reality have very few things in common. In a fantasy she'd be with guys who doesn't acre about extra pounds, she may even don't have these extra pounds at all, she may construct a safe scenario where everithing is possible without any risk... and also she may be aware that any of this have to happen for real.

I'd suggest you first to drop it. Just start exploring fantasies, yours and hers, that may involve other people, of course, and this shouldn't mean you wan't it to happend, because if she feels this way, she wouldn't talk about her fantasies in the first place.

Show her you can deal with her fantasies, that you enjoy them, show her your own fantasies. You don't need other people for this, perhaps a dildo but that'd be all you need. Once she start feeling confortable with sharing fantasies and discussing them, then you may bring the subject again.

She have her own peace, and the only way to do this is being respectull of everyone's peace, by going at the peace of the slowest one involved, which in this case seems to be your wife.

And, once bringing the subject again, invite her to the forum.

But I endore what have been said: you'd have to be up to get answers you dislike, and in this case, well... drop it.

[deejayc]

Originally Posted by sereneiders

SOmething that isn't clear for me is if she talked about swinging as a fantasy, because that may have beem the case.

No, she has actually mentioned it not as a fantasy, but as a wish. The first time it ever came about swinging (I don't remember on what occasion) she said that it would be interesting to try (just bringing up the subject), but it was after a TV show with and about swingers when she has shown a true interest in this. Her words were "I would like us to go to one of these clubs, what do you say?"... and I hesitated... and she thought that I wasn't 100% OK with it and just dropped the subject.

[LOL_OMG]

once again....

she thought that I wasn't 100% OK with it

have you guys ever really just sat down and talked?

Mrs

[intuition897]

I'd say stop talking about it as though it were some looming entity. Stop giving it a name. It's like starting a marathon run going uphill...all the while looking at the summit. Start out by just strolling along at a more liesurely pace. Pay attention to putting one foot in front of the other instead of worrying about acheiving some huge goal.

To put this in more practical terms, try some playful pillow talk. Rent some porn and add your own commentary. Dare her to flirt with the waiter. Dare her to wear a short skirt and no panties out someplace. Things like that. Don't categorize what you're doing; you're just having fun! After she's more relaxed about the whole thing, say, "Hey, you remember you said you want to go to a swinger's club sometime? I found one online and it looks like it would be fun. Whaddya think? Wanna go see what it's like there?" Make it clear that you'd only agree to go if you're both going to just watch. No playing with other people. Just with each other if you feel like it.

And while I agree that you should not pressure her, this is not the same as "shutting down" on her. You'll still need to remain wide open to her, and be extra perceptive when it comes to her attempts at communicating with you.

[NandTfromCA]

Bro, I soooooooooooo understand where you are coming from. But you are answering your own question.

Originally Posted by deejayc

....So to go any further it has to be something coming from her again... not from me in any way... She is stubborn sometimes and anything coming from me will increase her "opposition"

Do a search for threads about "my wife doesn't want to" or "my wife wants to but acts like she doesnt". There are hundreds of them!

If she really wants it like you say she does, she WILL bring it up again.

Mr.

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by deejayc

No, she has actually mentioned it not as a fantasy, but as a wish. The first time it ever came about swinging (I don't remember on what occasion) she said that it would be interesting to try (just bringing up the subject), but it was after a TV show with and about swingers when she has shown a true interest in this. Her words were "I would like us to go to one of these clubs, what do you say?"... and I hesitated... and she thought that I wasn't 100% OK with it and just dropped the subject.

Wait a moment. She said she'd like to go there after watching a TV show?

There are lots of peoples who goes just once to a clube because they're curious and want to watch closer "this crazy people". Regluars at the club calls them "the zoo visitors".

Wanting to go to a club doesn't necesarily means wanting to actually swing. She may want to go to the zoo (and that could give her a better idea of all of this that may... or may not help you), and you may be telling her, "ok, i love the idea, let's go to the zoo and jum inside the lions pit". Then she would say "hey, no way! I wonuldn't step 100 yards close to a zoo if you're around".

And if she wants to go to the zoo, take Intuition advice, go step by step, invite her to the zoo but JUST TO WATCH, forget about swinging.

Luckily enough, this could arouse her and bring fantasies that, later on, may evolve into swinging.. or it may not.

In any case, you have a communication problem here. If you two cannot communicate seamesly, you won't be able to swing. Swinging is more about communication than about sex. Is that simple.

[deejayc]

Thanks.. I'll definitely let it settle for a while. Then when it comes about it again we'll tackle it differently... I'm sure it will happen, sooner or later, she's just a sleeping lioness