Worried if my wife fulfills her bisexual fantasies she might become a lesbian

[smf2000]

Hi everyone,

Im a 32 year old man. And Im happily married. Recently I started to seriously consider having a threesome with another lady to spice up our sex life. I happen to *KNOW* for a fact that my wife is very bi-curious which makes things even easier for us, but the thing Im really not sure about is whether my wife would eventually become gay or not. I really don’t want to jeopardize the marriage and have that door opened.

Your advice is most appreciated.

[fun4Ds]

the thing about the future is its always unknow. make shure you have really considered everything.definatly a time to have all of the communication lines open.good luck to you guys.and welcome to the board. Welcome

[intuition897]

I started out in the lifestyle with my husband encouraging me to explore my bisexual curiosities. After trying it a few times, the novelty of it wore off...and I realized that, while I'm open to playing with another woman in a swinging encounter, I largely preferred men. So, curiosity satisfied: I'm straight.

Having sex with someone of your own gender doesn't "turn you gay". You just are what you are, and you respond accordingly. Do you have any other reason to suspect that your wife might actually be a lesbian? Does she not enjoy sex with you? I won't tell you to not worry about it, because the answer to this question may come at a price. She just might discover that she prefers women to men. This could very well jeopardize your marriage. But swinging IS about exploring the truth about one's sexuality. If you're not up for the un-candy-coated truth, don't swing. Good luck and Welcome to the board!

[Sweet_Candy]

Originally Posted by intuition897

Having sex with someone of your own gender doesn't "turn you gay". You just are what you are, and you respond accordingly. Do you have any other reason to suspect that your wife might actually be a lesbian? Does she not enjoy sex with you? I won't tell you to not worry about it, because the answer to this question may come at a price. She just might discover that she prefers women to men. This could very well jeopardize your marriage. But swinging IS about exploring the truth about one's sexuality. If you're not up for the un-candy-coated truth, don't swing. Good luck and Welcome to the board!

Dito Very good advice.

[smf2000]

Thanks you guys for your replies. I appreciate it.

As far as what intuition897 said, I would say that my wife enjoys sex with me immensely! But she has also made some very brief, yet strong remarks about some fantasy she has of having sex with a woman. I guess the answer to your question about her sexual orientation would be: I don’t know. I just dont want to risk opening that can of worms!

Are there *signs* of being lesbian? And what are they? I guess thats the real question. Until Im fully aware of the potentials, I don’t think its worth risking my marriage.

[sexyshelby]

My initial reaction to this post was: Are you f*cking kidding me? However, after reading Intuition's post (she's just so damn smart), I realise that this could be a possibility. But I would assume (and hope) that your wife married you for YOU, not for what you have in your pants.

Wanting to have sex with a woman and falling in love with a woman and running off with her to be soul mates and live happily ever after are two very different things. And while both are possibilities, I feel that one is much more likely than the other. But you know your wife, I dont. Do you think she is a closet lesbian? Or is she just curious about sexuality?

I don't know what the "signs" of being a lesbian are; there's no Jeff Foxworthy list of "You might be a lesbian if..." (Is there?) But here are my questions to you:
Does you wife make comments about leaving you for another woman?
How does she react towards other lesbians you know, or those on tv?
Does she make comments about how sexy/hot/attractive other woman are?
How does she behave around other women and this woman in particular? Is she very touchy-feely, always flirtying?

It's hard to say, there's no test for being lesbian. How do you know if the guy at the coffee shop is gay? You can guess based on how he acts and what he says, but you'll never really know. It's the same with your wife....

Talk to her some more about how she feels about the threesome and about woman in general.

Good luck.

~SS

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by smf2000

Thanks you guys for your replies. I appreciate it.

As far as what intuition897 said, I would say that my wife enjoys sex with me immensely! But she has also made some very brief, yet strong remarks about some fantasy she has of having sex with a woman. I guess the answer to your question about her sexual orientation would be: I don’t know. I just dont want to risk opening that can of worms!

Are there *signs* of being lesbian? And what are they? I guess thats the real question. Until Im fully aware of the potentials, I don’t think its worth risking my marriage.

I apologize if my post came across as rude or harsh or anything like that. I certainly didn't mean to. And I meant no criticism by my comment about your wife's enjoyment of hetero sex. I just honestly didn't know, and it's a relevant question that you'd need to answer for yourself.

I think I'd have to wonder if you really want to find out about her sexual orientation at all. You seem reluctant to form the question that's already sorta hanging in mid-air. This is something that no one but you can decide to do. Mr. intuition and I spent a lot of years living with unanswered - unformed! - questions hanging over our heads, and it detracted from our enjoyment of each others' company. Now that we've realized this, we refuse to let the questions hang there any more. If it's there, it's there. We ask the question, we find the answer...whatever the result may be. For us, it's about life being too short to waste being somewhere we're not meant to be. So far, every answer has pointed us right back to each other.

I'd like to comment that it shouldn't be her sexual attraction that should worry you (unless, of course, she was ONLY attracted to women and not to men at all). Take note, though, of how she interacts with women vs. men. Which gender does she seem to "connect" with more? I personally don't understand why men put up with women because they're too nit-picky, too petty, and too...I dunno...too bitchy. I love men. They're so straight-forward and direct about things. They see what they want and they just go for it. They don't talk it to death (usually). They're practical and logical. And they have this rowdy playfulness about them that I find totally irresistible. This is what makes me heterosexual. Just because I occasionally enjoy the feel of a woman's body as an interesting contrast to a man's, doesn't make me a lesbian...or even fully bisexual for that matter. It just makes me open-minded. I can't fathom the idea of having a woman as a life partner. I like women, and I enjoy their company, but I have too much in common with them to get along with them for too long.

[DBL D]

Originally Posted by smf2000

Hi everyone,

Im a 32 year old man. And Im happily married. Recently I started to seriously consider having a threesome with another lady to spice up our sex life. I happen to *KNOW* for a fact that my wife is very bi-curious which makes things even easier for us, but the thing Im really not sure about is whether my wife would eventually become gay or not. I really don’t want to jeopardize the marriage and have that door opened.

Your advice is most appreciated.

I know that I used to become very concerned about this myself. The fact is that your wife loves you and would not ever want to leave you...That's the 1st premise. The 2nd is that she MAY BE a bisexual. YOU are the MAN she has chosen, not the WOMAN. If she wants to experiment around and find where she wants to be, and you allow her to, well, that will take time on her part and patience on yours. The third premise is that she may also want to be with other men. You have to accept those things about her as you expect her to accept things about yourself. A bi woman has very different tendencies than a regular straight woman. You'll need to undersand these things in order to understand your wife.

M.D.

[VanHlebar]

smf2000,

My first marriage ended with my wife leaving me for another woman. It was bound to happen eventually and swinging had nothing to do with it. Matter of fact, we never actually got into swinging at all.

Jump forward 8 years and I am now remarried and beginning a wonderful journey in the lifestyle with MrsVan. She was very reluctant to bring up her being with another lady for fear of my reaction to it because of my past.

All I can say is that "IF" your wife were a lesbian, she most likely knows it alreadyor suspects it already. After discussions with my ex-wife after we seperated, I found out that she had known for years but she was trying to live the life that was expected by society. I think that one thing you will find in swinging in general is that you and your wife really need to communicate alot for it to work. You should talk to your wife about this alot before you actually decide to move forward.

Good luck and hope everything turns out well.

-Van

[Merric]

Bravo to all the advice here. Having lived in San Francisco for the last twenty-seven years I was here during its gay heyday before HIV. And of all the gays, both male and female I’ve known and know they all say the same thing. “That they knew from a very early age they were gay, many as early as childhood.”
Very few discovered their gayness at an age past their teens. And since I’m guessing your wife is late teens or past them it seems pretty certain she would have known by now if she was gay or not. So indeed it seems as the others here feel she is at best bi-sexual. And one who by evidence as the rest of the ladies here who on occasion enjoys the company of another lady, still leans more to the side of heterosexuality and their spouses in the long run. For after all as it seems in agreement she did marry you didn’t she?
Anyway communication and complete honesty with each other is the key. so keep those channels open and whichever way it goes the best of luck.

[meandher2go]

its also possible YOU will fall in love with the other girl and run off. so your wife has just as much to be worried about if not more.

[bill&sabrina]

Have you considered that if your wife wants a women she will get one whether you swing or not? Society has become very "me" oriented, and less concerned for the needs of others. Unless she has already given you signs that she no longer considers your feeling, I wouldn't worry that much about it. If you talk about swinging or bringing another woman into your bed, express your concerns. Don't do it in a way that would make her defensive though. For most peolpe a sexual fantasy is about the sex, nothing more. With the way we are raised to view sex though it isn't always easy to understand that it is only about sex, not replacing a partner. Hope this helps.
Bill

[DBL D]

Well, to be honest...I don't understand the gay thing at all. It makes much more sense to me that should someone think they'd like to play with someone of the same sex that several things could have happened to take them away from that path. The bisexual thing makes much more sense to me. If someone hasn't made up their mind about that by the time they are out of their teens doesn't mean the story's over. I truly respect ladies that have for whatever reason, tried things both ways. If you decide that it really isn't what you thought it would be and you stay hetero, all's still well. I think we should allow for both sexes to explore in similar ways though...to be honest.

M.D.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by smf2000

but the thing Im really not sure about is whether my wife would eventually become gay or not.

I don't believe that people become gay, just by participating in sexual play with a person of the same sex. You either are gay, or you are not. Bisexual play, in my personal experience (I'm a woman), is just that...it's sex for fun.

I have had bisexual fantasies going back a long time, but I feel like a heterosexual, man-loving woman who happens to enjoy the play sometimes.

[EvilMJ]

Well hey let me tell you.

Before swinging I never thought I was bisexual. Then during our adventures I made a good bi sexual friend and she and I (and hubby) began to play together.

Here's what I found out.

1. I love my husband
2. I can enjoy sex with a woman without being a lesbian
3. I prefer sex with a man but do enjoy being with a woman

So as the others have said, talk it over with her. It could be that being with a woman is just a fantasy and she never wants to act on it. Baby steps my friend. Have a good discussion and see where her head is at.

Good luck