Is this normal or is this a red flag?

[marincpl]

First I have to say that my hubby & I LOVE this site! We've read such amazing posts and it seems so many things are relevant to what we are talking and thinking about. My situation is this:
Swinging has really evolved through both of us and it is impossible to say whether it was me or him that first suggested it. We've read this site, talked and talked and talked and stressed and worked so many issues out and feel that we are so much closer than we've ever been due to this whole process of venturing into the swinging world. We have a date w/ a couple on Sat.

This is what happened this AM that has me worried that I might not be as fine as I think I will be.

Is this a red flag to slow down or just normal "wedding night" jitters?

Last night I went out and he put the 2 kids to bed. I talked to him before he went to bed and he said he had the kids in bed early and that he'd worked out. When I got up in the AM, the house was a MESS!!! I was justifiably mad since he didn't take care of the things he said he'd take care of. But what I was most angry about and what I told him was, "You need to keep things in perspective and put your responsibilities first and not just let things go so you can work out for OTHER PEOPLE!!!" He's gotten so into working out and (he looks GREAT) but it seems it is for others more than me since he wasn't half as into it before we started talking about swinging. Then, when we met this couple, who are gym rats and look it, he really got work out crazy. I got frustrated because I don't think he should change things to look good for this couple vs. me. Is this just me being annoying and self-concious (I have a great body and am slender but have had 2 kids so have a flabbier belly and some stretchmarks so will be wearing lingerie to play)? Or does anyone think i'm just overreacting? I"d love to hear from more experienced people.

[marincpl]

Reading this post made me realize I didn't state the essence of my problem well. It is that I'm afraid that swinging will change us. I don't want this to be something that makes us vain or obsessed about fitness in order to impress others. And seeing him workout crazy - compounded with my newfound anxiety over my stretchmark - makes me worry that it is changing us and we haven't even done anything yet! Am I overreacting? Thanks.

[singleagain]

Yes and No! Its normal to want to look your best. And so its normal for him to want that also. Its also normal to think that he might be "obsessed about fitness in order to impress others." Of course his way to change his appearance is different from yours. You get some nice lingerie to make you look better and he works out. Don't be jealous of this...he's adding years to his life with you by keeping in shape. Go to the gym with him and take the kids. Get all of you into a fitness program that is age appropriate and live longer and happier. Especially if you find that swinging adds that extra deminsion you have been seeking.

[tribbles]

I'd be concerned too...his focus is not on the relationship with you but on appealing to 'others'.

S

[Mr. Truelove]

This is something I kind of relate to.

We have yet to have our first experience, we are both very excited though and are getting more serious about the leap everyday. It's now become a When and not an If.

Since we both set this in motion we have no been looking at this as a sort of "couples dating" scene. And I have heard that comparison on the board here before.

When you are in a steady relationship, you tend to get comfortable with your spouse. Thats why every so often, I try to spice it up for my wife by dressing extra nice, or perhaps she does. We go out to dinner and have a date night. We do these things because day in day out...you just get kinda lazy I guess.

Now we have both gotten memberships to a gym. We are both trying to eat healthier. It's not because we didn't try to look good for eachother, but rather we were in that relationship comfort zone.

I'm tired, and this is kind of a bit of rambling so I hope this incoherence is making sense. But I guess my point is, that it's natural to dress down day to day(get lax on fitness) And I also think that people tend to dress to impress (get in shape) when trying to "pick up" other people.

[LOL_OMG]

Good question to think about. My answer would be yes, swinging will change you both. Whether it's a glass half empty or full is up to you guys.

My hubby wears glasses...but when he goes to a club or to meet people he wears his contacts. At first I asked him why he did this, and he said it made him feel like he looked better and felt more confident. I looked at the sexy dress I was wearing and said, yeah...I get it. It's all in your perspective. I prefer to look at my guy as my arm candy, I don't want him fat and unkempt...I want him hot and sexy for when I have his way with me later.

Mrs LOL

[sexyshelby]

What's wrong with getting in shape? I tend to agree with Mr. TrueLove's explanation. We get comfortable with our SO, then when swinging comes up, we want to impress others. It's only natural.

I'm assuming that you are planning on wearing something sexy that will make you feel good and confident, right? Well, you SO is doing the same by working out.

Having said that, if this is something that really bothers you, then you need to talk to your SO about this situation. MAybe it would be best to put it off for some time until you two are ready.

~SS

[intuition897]

One of the reasons we're NOT actively swinging right now is because we're uncomfortable with the excess weight we've put on over the past year or two. Sure, we could still swing; we're not grotesquely obese or anything, but we've got a roll or two that we'd just rather not subject our playmates to having to look at, is all.

Feeling good about how you look is very important to your enjoyment of swinging. Problems like the one you're describing arise when you have a skewed view of what is going to be acceptable to others. If you feel that you have a good body, but have a few stretch marks that you are self-conscious about, you should by no means feel like a circus freak! People are imperfect, and you'll find out about this soon enough if you want to engage in swinging. Your partners aren't quite as perfect as they might lead you to believe. And we tend to be a little suspicious of people who ARE physically perfect. It makes us wonder what sorts of hang-ups they must have to be so obssessive-compulsive about their physical apearance? All we look for are people who are height-weight proportionate, take an interest in the physical condition/health of their bodies, and do what they can with what they've got. It's simply a matter of "pride of ownership" of one's body. But our expectations end there, for ourselves as well.

Even at my ideal "swinging weight", I'm 150-155 lbs. I look damn good at that weight, and I pay attention to the details like waxing, manicures/pedicures, hair, make-up, tan, skin condition, etc. But I've had two kids, and my stomach will never be quite the same. I've got stretch marks and looser skin around the lower abs that nothing short of a tummy-tuck will fix. But I'm not that nuts about it. I do what I can with what I've got, and if my playmates have a problem with the fact that my body is "experienced", then it is their problem, NOT mine. I don't want to play with people who have unrealistic expectations of me, or who get so caught up in they physical that they overlook what makes a person REALLY sexy: their attitude.

The only thing I would suggest with your husband is that you talk to him and ask him what his feelings are about his physical appearance. Is he really that unhappy with it? I'm just guessing, but I think it's that he feels he must compete with this other couple in this way to maintain his "edge" sexually. Why? Maybe because he feels that this is their standard. Maybe he is concerned that he will be losing something in YOUR eyes if he's not as buff as they are. Maybe he just really enjoys working out. Ask him. Try to be objective and realistic.

And about this weekend, be sure you chat about this and are both on the same page. It's not as big a deal as it seems right now.

[all4fun]

Having had 3 kids and by no means a flat stomach, I can be self conscious about my appearance as well. I sometimes feel that my stretch marks can be a real "turn off". My hubby is "perfect in my eyes" but he doesn't see himself that way. He does try to improve every day. Since we started in this life style, it has been more so. I look at it as a way to better himself and if it makes him feel better, then more power to him.
If working out makes your hubby feel better, trust me, in the end you will feel better as well. It may seem like he is doing this to impress others since the change took place at the time you became involved in the lifestlye but probably it is because he has taken a good look in the mirror and decided that it would be better for him to be fit. Men tend to be as much if not more self conscious as women. I have heard it called a "big dick theory". They see something others have and want it.

I prefer to look at my guy as my arm candy

And I am proud to have him on my arm.

Join him in the workouts and have fun

[marincpl]

Thanks for the replies. We talked a lot last night & I think the main thing ended up being that I wasn't sure I that I"m ready to see him with another woman - especially a woman who hasn't had similar kid issues with her body. Just talking about it really helped though and I feel much better now and we're on for Saturday!!!

[JnCC]

I wouldn't worry about it. It could be that your husband thinks you're absolutely the most beautiful woman he's ever known, and doesn't want to be the "lowest common denominator" in the kinds of couples you guys eventually attract.

I'm sure you clean your house when company's coming to visit. This is no different, except that "company" is coming to visit your bodies, instead of your house.

[NandTfromCA]

A lot of great things have already been said so I’ll keep this brief.

We have both become more looks conscious lately. I think it’s been a good thing for us, as long as we don’t get extreme about it.

We work out more, we spend more on clothes, etc. Although it might be unnecessary it does make us FEEL hotter when we go out and meet people…like we have our mojo on.