Feel threatened by my husband's desire to swing

[kgncc]

hello,
i am a 21 yrd old female, husband is 28, very into this. i however, think i might have a slight jelousy problem that im not sure how to get past. honestly, i think the only part about this that bothers is having a single girl over. i would really like to just do couples. because i feel neglected and jelous because im not the center of attention. my husband seems to want to do this on a regular basis, and i would like to do this every once a while. a regular basis for him is like once a month, and i feel that is over done. because that makes me feel threatened. i dont know how to make him understand, he is really pressuring me on the idea. i agreed to ya know ever few monthes or so, but he wants a commitment time and i would really like to ease into this, without really knowing if am going to like it. how do i break this down for my husband in "man Terms"

[sexyshelby]

A common rule around here is that you move at the pace of the slowest person. Talk to your SO and make him understand why you feel the way you do. Explain that this is something you do want to do, but not so often. Have a conversation about who (what type) of people you want to swing with and why.

But honestly, from what you have written above, it does not seem like your SO respects you. Respect for one another is a key aspect of making swinging work. So, you it may be a good idea for you two to step back and work on that before you move forward into the swinging world.

Good luck and Welcome to the board.

~SS

[kgncc]

well i have talked to him, and explained this to him.he has agreed and say he understands, but i truly dont think he is sincere, but i dont want to reiterize and live through this conversation again. the only thing i can think is to just wait it out and see how it goes...but i cant help that it bothers me.

[Better Half]

I think that both of you should sit down and do a few searches on this site. It has a wealth of info that can help you both in making a decision that is mutually acceptable. Reading responses from people who have "been there and done that" and even from people who are "thinking about doing but have not yet" can give you insight.
Mrs. Better Half

[Better Half]

Originally Posted by kgncc

i however, think i might have a slight jelousy problem that im not sure how to get past.

i would really like to just do couples.

i dont know how to make him understand, he is really pressuring me on the idea.

i agreed to ya know ever few monthes or so, but he wants a commitment time and i would really like to ease into this, with really knowing if am going to like it.

First of all, it doesn't sound like you have a jealousy problem; it sounds like you have a problem with a husband that doesn't hear what you have to say. If he is pressuring you to do anything you don't want to, or pressuring you to do anything faster or more often than you want to, that is the problem. How could you possibly not have a "jealousy" problem when your husband makes it clear that what he wants is more important than your comfort level?

If you feel better about being with couples than with single females, tell him so and make it stick. One of the bedrock rules of swinging is that no one does anything that they don't feel comfortable doing. If your husband doesn't have a problem putting you in a situation where you feel uncomfortable, then you have a problem that needs to be fixed before you do any more swinging. If he does not respect you enough to want what makes YOU happy, then the two of you need to work on that problem before you bring in outside sexual interests.

On your last point, just because you (or anyone) agreed to something, that never requires you to follow through if you later become uncomfortable with the situation or want things to proceed more slowly. No means no, and that is true even if yes meant yes at some earlier time.

I think you are falling into the trap of blaming yourself for things that are not your fault. I am only getting your side of the story here, but if it is true that "he is really pressuring me", then let him know that giving you space and time to work things out is more likely to result in what he wants. Pressuring you and pushing you into things before you are ready is more likely to result in you saying, "I didn't like it and I felt like you pushed me before I was ready and now I don't ever want to do it again."

Let us know how things work out. Although I may have sounded harsh, sometimes we eager husbands need to hear such things.

Mr. Better Half

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by kgncc

...husband is 28, very into this. i however, think i might have a slight jelousy problem...because i feel neglected and jelous because im not the center of attention... a regular basis for him is like once a month, and i feel that is over done. because that makes me feel threatened....he is really pressuring me on the idea.... i would really like to ease into this, with really knowing if am going to like it. how do i break this down for my husband in "man Terms"

Put him on the board. We can help to explain it to him.

Seriously, pressuring one's spouse is not cool. The thing is, YOU'RE not the only one who should have a "jealousy problem"; if you have a problem with swinging, so should he. I'd also suggest that your jealousy problem will not be solved by avoiding single females, as the problem doesn't lie with your husband's partner, but with him. If there are no trust issues between you, then it won't matter if some bimbo starts behaving inappropriately with him. He'll stop her dead in her tracks and tell her to piss off for disrespecting you like that. And you'll know that, and never feel threatened by another woman again.

You mentioned feeling neglected because you won't be the centre of attention. This is unavoidable. You won't be the centre of your husband's attention 100% of the time, because he will need to focus on his swing partner, too. If this really bothers you, you might want to reconsider swinging altogether. Do not compromise yourself or "take one for the team" just to appease him. You will lose respect for yourself, and you will regret it. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you need time to ease into this. The alternative is that you will feel like you are compromising yourself, selling out, or otherwise feeling manipulated. Ask him, does he care that you will feel that way? If he cares (and he'd better!), he won't push you. You're not stalling just to deprive him; you want him to be happy...but you shouldn't have to feel like shit to do it.

[lovedoctor]

I was wondering if you were meaning to say that you were "Wary" of really swinging or "Weary" of really swinging?

I'm only asking because if you are hesitant, then don't do it OR if you are tired of it, then you should stop. Either way, I think you can figure out the right thing to do...you don't need someone else to tell you, right?

[kgncc]

either way i meant hesitant. your right about not being able to the center of attention. i have watched him with another girl, while i was with another guy, i had no problem, it was when it was just him and another girl, i felt the monster coming behind me. i know this is something i need to work on, but it does take time...and im having a hard time of him understanding this, i fell like i have told him till i was blue in the face. i told him right now i am comfortable with giving him a few times a year, and if it happened more then it did. but i was trying to allow my self sometime grow individually. this is a lifestyle change. and i think what has really hurt the most and kinda of ruined it for me was when he says, i guess i'll have to force myself to deal with it. i guess it was his plan to put a guilt trip on me. and to me this says, okay i'll tell you what u want to hear, but dont be surprised when you find out ive cheated. i just really feel like he's being unfair here. and i wish there was just someway someone could just tell him like it is!!!

[lovedoctor]

Can you enjoy yourself with someone twisting your arm? Sort your relationship issues out first. You two are not ready for swinging, in my opinion. No one should be forcing anyone or anything. No means no.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by kgncc

...and i think what has really hurt the most and kinda of ruined it for me was when he says, i guess i'll have to force myself to deal with it. i guess it was his plan to put a guilt trip on me. and to me this says, okay i'll tell you what u want to hear, but dont be surprised when you find out ive cheated. i just really feel like he's being unfair here. and i wish there was just someway someone could just tell him like it is!!!

OMG, if his lip was sticking out any further a bird would shit on it. :rollseyes If he want some perspective, put him on here, and let him plead his case.

He IS being unfair. Giving an inch doesn't mean he automatically gets the whole mile. Let's keep things in perspective here. How many men are lucky enough to have a wife who is open-minded enough to even consider something like this?? Not many.

[LOL_OMG]

This really should be about both of you and not just him. From your posts it seems he really doesn't care what you need or want. If you're okay with couples, why isn't he? Maybe he has jealousy issues too but doesn't want to discuss them. I agree that if you can't talk about this and have an understanding between you then swinging should be the last thing on your list.

okay i'll tell you what u want to hear, but dont be surprised when you find out ive cheated.

If Mr LOL said this to me, I'd hand him a loaf of bread and a roadmap.

Mrs. LOL

[MoonLightKiss]

If you aren't comfortable with it very simply don't do it. If he is pressuring you, really don't do it. If he makes you feel like if you do not he will cheat, well I can tell you what I would do...open the door really wide for him to walk out of. My husband feels the same way you do in a way...couples are okay, but threesomes he is not sure he can be comfortable with. I would really like to and told him so. I also told him that since he was not comfortable with it, it was not something we needed to do. We left our conversation at, if he changes his mind, feel free to let me know. Until then its an off limits area. This lifestyle has to be about honesty and comfort in my opinion. Oh and lets not forget respect.

Mrs. LOL you are nicer than I would be. I wouldn't even give him bread. He has a map, find a bread store.

[ANGEDKY(mr)]

Originally Posted by LOL_OMG

I'd hand him a loaf of bread and a roadmap. Mrs.LOL

now thats funny !!

[lovedoctor]

Originally Posted by MoonLightKiss

Mrs. LOL you are nicer than I would be. I wouldn't even give him bread. He has a map, find a bread store.

LOL, I was thinking the same thing. "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!" comes to mind...

[dinkydow4us]

Hi, If you let someone pressure you into doing something you really don't want to do, you will never like what you did Husband needs an attuide adjustment Be true to yourself, good luck D.D.