Uomo's Take on Swinging - aka Advice for the Newbie Swinger

[Uomo]

So you want to be a swinger?

Some things … can you learn from an expert.

Other things … are better learned from a fool.

Regrettably: You won’t find many fools on the SB.

Fortunately … you still have me. (Uomo)

Here’s one fool’s advice (on lessons learned).

Until recently, I did not understand the lifestyle (in the least). So many misconceptions about what is … and what it is not … and what it can’t be. I’m still trying to make sense of it all … and thankfully … you are all helping me to see the error of my ways.

Here’s what it is not:

The lifestyle is not a place to repair a broken marriage.

The lifestyle is not a place where you forget about your spouse and revert to being single.

The lifestyle is not filed with horny women desperate to have sex with you … no matter how good looking you are (or how good looking you think you are).

And no matter how talented you may (or may not) be in the rack … you will never compare with their husbands.

Why?

Because more so than in the general population, women in the lifestyle … genuinely love their husbands. It is a love that most people (regrettably) will never know.

If you are lucky enough to have sex with them, I hope you enjoy it … but don’t kid yourselves: you will never make love to them. Women in the lifestyle make love to their husbands … and only their husbands. You will always be second-best … at best. And a very (very) distant second … at that.

The problem with lifestyle (or more appropriately: its image), is that if you hop around the internet, preview the swapper posts, gawk at the sexy profile photos (and the like), it is not difficult (for the novice like me) to be left with an impression that hedonistic sex is the order of the day (in the lifestyle). If you’re looking good … and she’s looking good … you’re going to hit it off and get it on, right?

Wrong.

(I think) the key to swinging success all can be summed up in three words: “Friends with Benefits.” Sure … we’ve all heard the phrase. It’s the order of the words I’d call attention to.

Before anybody is going to consider you for anything intimate, they have to like you as a person. Not just the wife … both of them. Now I could be wrong on this (and I am certain exceptions exist) … but the first thing most swinging couples want to know is: Do I like you? If I do … then maybe something will come of it. Or maybe it won’t. But if you go into it with the attitude (and intention of) shacking up with the guy’s wife … they will see right through you … and it will never happen. You have to be genuine. I don’t mean genuine as a “tactic for scoring.” I mean genuinely genuine. That’s why I think “Friends with Benefits” is spot on. You have to be “Friends” first. Only afterwards (Maybe): “Benefits.” Isn’t that what the lifestyle is really about? Making friends? I’d like to think so (but I could be wrong).

My advice (for the half-cent its worth):

Be a friend … and forget about “the hook up.” Have a nice evening out. If you do that ... and if you genuinely get along … and if the right chemistry exists … guess what? I can’t speak from experience, but I’d bet you anything: the “benefits” … will all take care of themselves (without your even having to try). If, on the other hand, you're only there for the "benefits" … then you’re not really a friend at all. You’re a user. The lifestyle community will see you for what you are. They are a very bright bunch (and great people). If they accept you into the fold … you’re a lucky couple.

And one last thing: be a friend to everyone at the event … not just those you are sexually attracted to. The other people in the room may have much more in common with you than the people who make your heart race (and you might have a whole lot better time with them, all things considered). I’m not saying you have to be best friends with people you have nothing in common with … but at least take the time to get to know them. If you zero in only on the sexiest person in the room, then I don’t care how genuine it is you think you are … you are not. A genuine person wouldn’t scope out the room with that kind of attitude.

The lower your expectations, the more worthwhile the experience … and then, who knows? More importantly: Who cares? Have fun.

That being said: I very well may have made another fool of myself (e.g. the blind leading the blind) … but … for better or worse, that’s just me. And for those of you who are reading this post who’ve never seen any of my other posts: I think it’s only appropriate that I disclose … I’ve got absolutely no credibility on this subject … just a body full of well-deserved bruises. If you want expert advice on the lifestyle … ask someone who can speak from experience. I’m brand new … firing from the hip.

Thanks again to all of you (my friends) on the SB. If my wife and I ever figure a way to make the lifestyle work for us … it will be because of your thoughtful efforts -- Uomo

[dragonblade]

By george I think he's got it! Well...for the most part. There are swingers that only want the one night stands, and there are swinger that want friendships first, and everything in between. Though I have to say for sure most people want others to see they have more than a nice rack or what they have going for them below the belt... of course my first deal is if you can hold an intelligent conversation with me and be truly genuine, I for sure am most likely to consider you over someone who is like... "Nice shoes...wanna fuck?" :rollseyes: Good on you for learning and taking important ideals away with you, but don't forget that everyone is different.

With having talked to you one on one, I have to say that you certainly aren't as arrogant as you seemed in your other posts, just someone trying to make things right in your mind and your heart. Though I believe there is the possibility of some selfish intent, I don't belive you're purposely harming your wife. Anyway, good post, people don't be so hard on him...being misguided isn't a great thing, but at least he came asking before just doing right?

Take care hun

~~Blade~~

[Spoomonkey]

Excellent post. I think it says a lot for you that you are willing to absorb the advice of others - even if some of it was delivered harshly (sometimes deservedly so).

Glad you posted this. I think you have a lot to offer the board.

Spoomonkey

[Chip_n_Muffy]

Uomo seems like a smart guy and a quick study, I believe he will do well. You never learn if you don't ask questions, so a teacher once told me .....

Chip

[deadparrot911]

Before anybody is going to consider you for anything intimate, they have to like you as a person. Now I could be wrong on this (and I am certain exceptions exist) … but the first thing most swinging couples want to know is: Do I like you? If I do … then maybe something will come of it. Or maybe it won’t. But if you go into it with the attitude (and intention of) shacking up with the guy’s wife … they will see right through you … and it will never happen. You have to be genuine. I don’t mean genuine as a “tactic for scoring.” I mean genuinely genuine. That’s why I think “Friends with Benefits” is spot on. You have to be “Friends” first.

I wonder how many swingers take this view or if maybe i just don't belong here. I share most of the ideas from the original post except for this part. I always hear separate sex from love with swinging...and that's how i feel. Now do not get me wrong just because i want to play with you does not mean we cannot have idle chit chat....but to me a friend is someone who is always there....i love my friends. It is possible that maybe i don't use the term friend as lightly as most...if u are my friend i will go to hell and back for you. I don't have sex with friends because there is only one person who gets the complete friendship/love/sex package and that is my husband. So basically if i have sex with you its just that sex...doesn't mean i don't like you...and i will never lead anyone to believe that its anything other than that. For me honesty is always the best policy even if it is sometimes a little harsh. To me being good friends and having sex is a nono. Maybe my term for "friends with benefits" should be "acquaintance with benefits".


Anyway great post Uomo!! Think im gonna start a new thread to see if im alone in this.

[hilltop]

Uomo ~

Now you're getting a little closer to the measure of the thing . . .

Now back it up. It's what everyone here will be watching!

Good luck

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by deadparrot911

to me a friend is someone who is always there....i love my friends. It is possible that maybe i don't use the term friend as lightly as most...

In this instance, I'd say we do take it more lightly than you.

We have swing friends who would qualify under your definition - and others who we like, enjoy talking to and hanging around with, but don't know beyond our social connection at the club.

I read it to mean that we had to have some amount of like for you. We only have one couple that we play with that we really don't like (but they are really hot ). Everyone else we hit it off really well with.

Spoomonkey

[In2curiosity]

I wonder how many swingers take this view or if maybe i just don't belong here. I share most of the ideas from the original post except for this part. I always hear separate sex from love with swinging...and that's how i feel. Now do not get me wrong just because i want to play with you does not mean we cannot have idle chit chat....but to me a friend is someone who is always there....i love my friends. It is possible that maybe i don't use the term friend as lightly as most...if u are my friend i will go to hell and back for you. I don't have sex with friends because there is only one person who gets the complete friendship/love/sex package and that is my husband. So basically if i have sex with you its just that sex...doesn't mean i don't like you...and i will never lead anyone to believe that its anything other than that. For me honesty is always the best policy even if it is sometimes a little harsh. To me being good friends and having sex is a nono. Maybe my term for "friends with benefits" should be "acquaintance with benefits".


Anyway great post Uomo!! Think im gonna start a new thread to see if im alone in this.

Dito This is how I feel too. I can't imagine having a sexual experience with anyone I didn't like.....but I don't really want to be good friends either. A couple we have been friends with for years would be ideal play partners, and there is tons of sexual energy when we are together, yet for me it wouldn't work. Maybe I am looking at this in a "wrong" way, but for me the lifestyle is a separate part of our lives, almost like a summer fling that you enjoy, cherish, and ends when you get back to your real life. I can't imagine seeing a person I was wild with the night before across the kids soccer field the next day. At least not purposely.

[love_shack]

We regard deadparrot911 as being a little too harsh on Uomo. Instead of analyzing and criticizing to pieces his use of the ever-so-common-in-the-lifestyle phrase "friends with benefits", she should take a step back and a slow deep breath, then consider the message he was trying to convey.

Uomo was mostly spot on when he wrote, "the first thing most swinging couples want to know is: Do [we] like you?" We, as a couple, have plenty of experience. No matter how attractive a couple is, if we don't like one or the other partner, or the chemistry simply isn't there, then, we're not going to play with them. Period. We've had the most fun with swinging partners when we all treated each other like friends. That doesn't mean that we'd invite them over with our regular friends for a 4th of July barbeque, but it doesn't mean we wouldn't have them over for a private barbeque either.

As we said, he was mostly spot on. When swinging, we're not only looking for couples we like. We are equally looking for couples to whom we are attracted. We've met plenty of folks we like who will never ever join us in bed. Certainly, there have been some exceptions when there was sufficient chemistry combined with "the heat of the moment" to overcome physical attributes, but, as a rule, mutual attraction and chemistry are what will get us in the mood and in bed.

Furthermore, though we don't spend time simultaneously with our swinging and regular friends, there have been some swining friends who truly became "friends" in every sense of the word.

[BodyScape02]

Bravo... you have earned my respect... ladies and gentlmen ... A man who can learn...

My goodness... how much more attractive that makes you.

I am bookmarking your post to "clue in" those who ask... and have misconceptions about what the lifestyle is... I may copy and laminate it to hand out.

Bravo.

~Cat

[VegasLee]

Uomo you have come a long way in a short time. I see you have aborbed things well, I hope you area able to put them into use as well as you speak them. If so you should have a good life.

As for friends. I have very, very few friends by my defination of a friend. Each person has their own defination though.

I know 1000's of people and I have also had sex with ????'s of people in my life. A great FRIEND of mine told me years ago, have sex first, get to know them later. That way you won't miss out on lots of great sex by finding out you don't like the person! Ok, I may not be that bad but I have partied with many, many people that I don't know. I like the sex.

I have even learned to like some of those people and a few of them have become my friends over the years.

I don't have to know you or like you to have sex with you, we just both have to want to do it. I can not have sex with you if I don't like you though.

My Lifestyle is NOT for everyone. Hell, most this is a hobby and not a lifestyle so my life would not even work for most people. There is more to it then the sex and I have seen there is some on this board that have learned that well. The sex is part of it, a very fun part but the honesty and what this can do for a relationship is so far reaching that most people in this world will never experience it. That really is to bad, the world would be such a great place if more people got a clue as to how we live even if they never had sex with anyone but the person they spend their life with.

Good Luck Uomo. Hope you get out and do good with the information you have gathered.

[sereneiders]

Uomo, I really appreciate this post. It's good to know someone is up to change the point of views and throw away prejudgments, so admitting it, and pointing out the discoveries you've been doing against your original beliefs, is something that deserves a lot of credit.

About the "friends" stuff, I gess I understand the spirit of what you said, and I suspect everyone around is taking literally your words.

I think you were talking about the attitude people should have when approaching a couple: to offer themselves sincerelly AS IF you would do with people you want to become friends of. Then it is up to the couple ot develop a friendship first and have sex later, or shorten the distances and go straight to the sex (and perhaps become friends later).

So it works for me as an advice for the newcomer: threat lifestylers as you do when looking for friendship, IF the couople isn't looking for a friend, there won't be anything wrong with your attitude and you all could end up having sex, but since you don't know what an unknown couple is looking for beforehand, you'd have to start by oferring the best of you and metting the higest possible standards.

Keep posting!

[WesternSwing]

Wow, I'm impressed. You hit it dead nuts, buddy. Now if more single guys would read that first, understood it, and lived it they'd get allot further in the lifestyle.

Originally Posted by deadparrot911

I wonder how many swingers take this view or if maybe i just don't belong here. I share most of the ideas from the original post except for this part. I always hear separate sex from love with swinging...and that's how i feel. Now do not get me wrong just because i want to play with you does not mean we cannot have idle chit chat....but to me a friend is someone who is always there....i love my friends. It is possible that maybe i don't use the term friend as lightly as most...if u are my friend i will go to hell and back for you. I don't have sex with friends because there is only one person who gets the complete friendship/love/sex package and that is my husband. So basically if i have sex with you its just that sex...doesn't mean i don't like you...and i will never lead anyone to believe that its anything other than that. For me honesty is always the best policy even if it is sometimes a little harsh. To me being good friends and having sex is a nono. Maybe my term for "friends with benefits" should be "acquaintance with benefits".

For us it is the friendship, however here is the disclaimer. We think making playmates from vanilla friends is a no-no and in most cases no good can come from it. Sex changes the relationship.

However, becoming friends with playmates is different, because of the dynamic of sex is already there. Some of our best friends in the past couple years have come from the lifestyle, and many of these are much more loyal in times of need then our vanilla friends.

Mr. WS

[LikeMinds321]

Uomo posted this thread seven weeks ago, soon after he arrived and began posting.

This thread got buried (as often happens with threads), was found, and is now getting read by more people. A good thing I think.

I wonder how many members would have responded differently to the threads and posts he's made since January 3rd, had they read this thread first.

When you are brand new to a forum, it's usually safer to stay moderate in the beginning, until people get to know you, then you can say most anything and people will not take it too seriously or get upset. People get pleasure or a good laugh out of stretching their minds and thinking about ideas contrary to theirs.

Uomo, I think you've tossed some ideas out since your arrival that have been very stimulating and thought provoking. You should change your signature line to a link to this thread. Maybe you'd get more hugs. But then, maybe you're not looking for that.

LM

P.S. At this moment I have no idea why I wrote this post...and I'll probably regret it.

[Uomo]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Uomo posted this thread seven weeks ago, soon after he arrived and began posting. This thread got buried (as often happens with threads), was found, and is now getting read by more people. A good thing I think.

I wonder how many members would have responded differently to the threads and posts he's made since January 3rd, had they read this thread first.

Uomo, I think you've tossed some ideas out since your arrival that have been very stimulating and thought provoking. You should change your signature line to a link to this thread. Maybe you'd get more hugs.

How many ... I can only wager a guess ... it takes balls to wear "Uomo" at a meet & greet ... great way to dive headfirst into S&M (you never know where the next serious flogging will come from).

THIS thread gets buried ... but "Uomo on Good Old Fahsioned Cheating" ... just won't die (proof positive that if you ever contemplate an unpopular thread ... do NOT post it in the "Advice on Life" Section ... the damn thing never recylces). I'm habitually misunderstood (Osama-Bin-Llama).

Frustrating ... yeah. Sometimes it's downright depressing. But I take it ...

Yet the benefits (the collective friendship of those who get to know me, and those I get to know) ... justifies the end. I love this group. In fact, I'm sufficeintly comfortable with some of the SB regulars that I've started swapping real names, photos, phone numbers and the like. It's quite refreshing to introduce myself as someone other than "Uomo" (or verify, by way of photo, that I am not, in fact, a furry little llama). I've had some great dialogue with a few SB members outside of the SB (a real treat). And it's nice to know that we all have more in common than a shared interest in sex. I'm going to be a better latin dancer on account of the SB ... go figure.

In the meantime, I'll bear my historical cross and keep on posting ...