Bringing up the idea of another male?

[bethjane]

Hello everyone,

I am 35 and my husband is 39. We have been married for 15 years, and he is the only sex partner that I have ever had during this time (I had one boyfriend before I met him). We are not swingers and have never discussed anything like swinging. We are pretty conservative and traditional. Over the years we have occasionally talked naughty in bed and have watched a couple of x-rated movies when we were on holiday. But the idea of including another sex partner is something that neither of us have ever brought up.

So here is the thing. I love my husband more than anything and we still have good sex. However, for the last couple of years I have become more and more curious about what it would be like to experience another male sex partner. I would never cheat on my husband and I have no interest in being alone with another man. I love my husband and I want us to be together for the rest of our lives. I guess what I fantasize about is the idea of experiencing intercourse with another male and my husband together, with my husband completely involved and sharing the entire experience with me. I masturbate a lot to this thought.

I always assumed that this is something that would have to remain a secret fantasy until I started reading all the posts of couples who are in love but have included another male sexually in their bed, and of husbands who fantasize about this scenario. My husband has never mentioned anything like this to me, and I wonder if he has ever thought about it. How do you even bring up such a topic after a 15 year monogomous relationship? I would appreciate any advice on how I could subtlely bring up the idea of another male in our bed without ruining our relationship or undermining his masculinity at the same time. The thought of my husband agreeing to this is really exciting to me, but it is nothing to ruin our marriage over. How can I bring it up and at the same time have a way out if he reacts bad? I don't want to hurt him in anyway.

[VegasLee]

First off remember that swinging is not for everyone and sometimes Fantasies are best left as an fantasy.

As far as your husband is, only you know that for sure. You have to be able to be totally open and honest with him for you to even think about this. I am hoping that you two can talk about anything and everything openly and honestly so that you can also talk about this.

You might just want to show him this thread and board. That would be a way to bring it up.

I have always found the best way to deal with anything is in it's simplest manner. You seem to already be looking for a way out "if he reacts bad."

Assuming can always make things much harder then they really are.

You said the two of you have had some naughty sex talk now and again, what did the talk include?

Specificaly, did it include you taking it from another man or anything along those lines?

If so, I think he may be open to the idea in fantasy. That is where the idea has to start IMO. The crossover can be long, if not impossible, between fantasy and reality because of all the social conditioning we get telling us how wrong it is. Also jealousy is another big one for a lot of couples.

For me, jealousy went away when I became not only secure with who I am but also totaly secure in our relationship.

When I see mrs naughty rocking a guys world as well as getting hers rocked back I am turned on by seeing her give/recieve such pleasure. It's simply amazing! facelick

You know your husband better than us. If you haven't brought the idea up in sex talk, then try it, but only if you think he won't blow with anger just by the mention of it. Not by telling him YOU want to try it but if HE would like to see it. And not only see it but help in every way possible.

Plant the seed, but plant it carefully.

If you two already have had naughty talk about it during sex and it really turned you both on, try asking him during your naughty talk if it is something he really wants to try?
If he asks if you do, tell him only if he does and you want him there and helping.

I will never forget the day mrs naughty told me she was "Game" for an MFM.

We were having our naughty sex talk and she said "Do you really want to see me take another guys cock?" I said Absolutely!

The next words out of her mouth was "We can make that happen".

I think I came immeditately .

Anyway,
The next day I started to think about it and got scared. I told Mrs naughty that the talk we had the night before was just fantasy and I didn't want it to happen, even though I did.

She was fine with that but now I knew she was game and she put the ball in my court.
After several internal arguments for and against giving this a shot I decided to go for it and told Mrs naughty she could find some one she was interested in and set something up.

She did, and we did. And it was more amazing than what I fantasized about. We both had a wonderful time and continue to get great joy living out our fatasies together.

These are just my thoughts. Every realtionship has its own dynamics. Don't do anything you feel might will make a good thing take a turn for the worse just getting out of the gate.

I hope all this rambling helped somewhat.

Mr naughty.

[TNT]

Wonderful post Mr. Naughty....I can't think of a thing to add.


Teresa

Originally Posted by TNT

Wonderful post Mr. Naughty....I can't think of a thing to add.


Teresa

Thanks Teresa.

Sometimes they just come to me.

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by bethjane

My husband has never mentioned anything like this to me, and I wonder if he has ever thought about it. How do you even bring up such a topic after a 15 year monogomous relationship?

The mere fact that in 15 years of marriage he's never mentioned it tells me that it's not real high on his list of fantasies.

Maybe a better place to start "exploring fantasies" would be with one which you both share? Surely, there's at least one that you've both considered? If not, it might be time to consider some sort of quid pro quo arrangement, in which you each agree to indulge the other in a fantasy, even if it's not something you, personally, take a particular interest in.

Have you considered another couple?

[lovecatspurrv]

Mrs here:
we started out slowly with by talking, and have learnt that we have a lot in common fantasy wise! I was the one to intitiate the talk as I am too curious for my own good, but soon learnt my Mr was rapt to discuss all of the taboo fun things in life. The first thing brought up was FFM 3some but we never aranged or tried to get one. A year later we just fell into a few spur of the moment swinging situations, with another married couple, where each couple remained seperate but there was a whole heap of public flirting, foreplay and sex.
At the moment we are talking alot about our boundaries before we visit the local swing club. I go back over my thoughts 101 times and question myself as to how I would react in reality, but my curiousity to explore really keeps winning out. Have to say I thought I didnt want a MMF, but reading Mr & Mrs Naughty's delicious experience sure got me more than a little turned on! Thanks for that! I will be showing that one to my Mr, and find out his thoughts.
Maybe you could get your man looking at this site, and let him navigate through to show you what he is interested in. I hope he feels comfortable to open up to you the way you are wanting to.

[graygo98]

The best way to eat a salami is one slice at a time.

You are correct in assuming that he might react badly to a suggestion out of the blue that you would like to have sex with another man. That's just the way most guys are wired. So, find a less threatening way to engage him in talking about broadening your sexual horizons.

Tell him that you are going to give him a special treat. Buy some sexy lingerie and one of those sorta soft core Andrew Blake videos that have lots of FFM and FMFM action. Talk about what you see ... particular scenarios that turn you on.... when you are into hot foreplay. One thing can lead to another if its not forced... or maybe it won't and that is just something that you will have to deal with.

Its interesting to see this particular challenge from a woman's perspective... most of the time its the husband asking the very same question. Oh, and Mr. Naughty? I think you wrote the first chapter of a lot of our stories. Well done.

[Vantabulous]

Mrs. Van and I have been together for 17 years and there isn't a week - sometimes a day - that goes by that she doesn't bring up something in conversation as though she were, literally, reading my mind, and vice versa. A little unnerving, but in a way that makes a person feel good inside.

What I haven't seen suggested, and there may be a good reason why, is to play out some type of "threesome" fantasy with your husband using a dildo or vibrator as the "third party". The implication must be clear, though. (Not the "real deal", quite obviously, but it may be another way of "planting the seed" carefully, as Mr. Naughty alluded to.)

Granted, it may seem like "beating around the bush", if you'll pardon the expression, but it may also open a window of opportunity for further discussion. Understand that it may also die right there, and be prepared to accept that. On the other hand...

(Personally, Mrs. Van and I adhere to VegasLee's admonition that sometimes fantasies are better left as fantasies. At least, I think we do... )

Best of luck to both of you.

Van

[Mike and Jan]

Beth,
Find some erotic stories that start very tame about just this. Say you enjoyed them and ask if he'd like to read them. Good conversation starters. I've got just the stories too.
Rich

[Just_us49]

I think starting in the heat of the moment is a good place to start. During sex and your naughty talk ask him about HIS fantasies. Encourage him to be totally honest. Tell him you want to know what he wants done to you. That it turns you on to hear these things. It may take time (months) to get him to open up totally and believe that you won't get mad. That, of course, means you can't get mad at anything he says. He may start talking about another woman.

A little of everthing is how hubby and I got started. We talked dirty in bed like that, we watched porno and started being TOTALLY honest about what turned us on about it. We read erotic stories. It was a process over a year or more before we approached the idea of actually living out our fantasies. (It made for great hot sex during that year.) Then we did some cyber sex with people to see how our feelings were. We found this to be okay feelings wise (meaning jeously etc) but it wasn't the real deal. Since we have done the real deal we have sometimes found that the fantasy was better than reality (due to the people we were with not due to our fantasy). We have also found that even though we have fun with others, our love and passion for each other has grown and solidified even more. Our trust in each other to be totally honest has also grown. I had thought I was honest in the past but realized the little thoughts I wouldn't speak that now I will share openly.

Good luck! Remember taking it slow is good and the path to fulfilling your fantasies can be as much fun as the fantasies themselves.

-M

[2much]

Here is my 2 cents -
1st, I too have had the instant orgasm when the wife says she want to take another man's cock - and I have also shared some conflicting thoughts regarding it, which I think are only natural. I came to swingersboard in search of answers for my conflicintg thoughts and this site has been so awesome in providing that feeling of "you are not alone" in your fantasies, experiences, etc...

2nd - the new pic of Mrs Naughty and the waterbottle wins pic of the year, hands down. Awesome. Mr is a lucky man.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by 2much

2nd - the new pic of Mrs Naughty and the waterbottle wins pic of the year, hands down. Awesome. Mr is a lucky man.

Dito !!!!! LOL, I love the new avatar Mrs. Naughty! If you EVER hear back from your waterboy, you must let us know.


I'd like to take a different approach here. If you'd like to experience these things with another man, put your fantasies temporarily on the back burner because you know what? He's going to have fantasies of his own. Try to think of things that you would like to see him do or have done to HIM that turn you on. I really believe that if you approach swinging as a gift that you give to your partner (as opposed to something you ask for for yourself), you will likely be more successful. Why? Because he will be affected by the genuineness of your love and concern for him. He will want to reciprocate. This is where you would approach him with your own fantasies. I mean really, how would you feel if he, out of the blue, asked you if it was ok that he had sex with another woman? And in contrast, how would you feel if he told you that he wanted to see your every fantasy fulfilled...even if it meant sharing you? He could very well be harbouring his own fantasies of sex with another woman and be supressing them because he doesn't want to hurt you. Maybe he has fantasies about seeing you with another man, too, but thinks you would never go for it (you mentioned you're both pretty conservative, right?).

In the end, whichever approach you take (asking or giving), it all comes down to slapping your whole bad self onto the table and saying, "This is all of me, good and bad. These are the things I think about. These are my uglies. Please don't stop loving me for it." You throw yourself on the mercy of the court so to speak. If he has an ounce of compassion, he won't condemn you for your honesty. This is like playing Truth or Dare - Fear Factor style! You dare one another to tell the whole truth - no holds barred. You dare one another to do things that are unthinkable. And it's just as scary for the darer; You say, "I want the truth!" Well...can you handle the truth? Sometimes your spouse will admit things that maybe you don't want to hear. I'm just saying if you want to be completely honest with him, it's only fair that you try and get used to the idea that he is his own person, too, and that his sexuality does not require you exclusively to be whole and complete. He can have sex with other women; he simply chooses not to because he believes this is what you require of him as a condition of your staying with him.

Wow, here I go playing Freud again. Sorry if I'm way off base in making assumptions; I don't even know you guys!

2much & Intuition,
Thanks for the compliments!

We just took those earlier this week.

The water bottle theme was Mrs naughties idea.

[H69]

I think the main thing is to start slowly, don't jump in with both feet.
You could say you've seen a chatshow or womens magazine with women discussing having 2 men, and watch his reaction, you've known him a long time you should have an inckling of his thoughts. If he shows no bad signs, next time you're having sex mention the chat show, and tell him its been playing on your mind and getting you excited, don't say you want to try it, tell him its just a fantasy. Gradually build up to popping the question, but don't push any quicker than he wants to go.
From a male point of view, I enjoy sharing my wife with another man as long as his partner is there for the two of us (or more usually the 3 of us) to enjoy, but I would have to be very comfortable with the other guy to do just a threesome with my wife.
We are all different, just take your time, and remember we men like to think things are our idea in the first place, so see if you can lead him to suggest it.

ps Talk to your female friends. If you can find a like-minded one you can organise a foursome, not many men would turn one down if the wifes lead.