What's Your Advice for Beginners?

[DoubleL]

I'd just like to take a second and post a reply to everyone who has posted the great advice throughout the threads LittleL has posted up. We're both curious about the lifestyle and understand there's a lot of "rules" that we aren't aware of. Thanks for being so helpful, everyone!

BigL

[tazzie_n_truck]

We have a couple pieces of advice.

1. Set up your own rules of what you will do and won't do, and don't allow those to be comprimised.

2. Have fun!!!! Very important!! lol

3. No ALWAYS means NO!! If you tell a couple or person that you don't like doing certain things like anal sex, don't be pressured into doing it, tell them no and if they can't accept that, then you both get up and leave, or if your hosting them politly tell them that they need to leave.

4. If your getting started in swinging, you need to have a very strong relationship, with LOTS of trust, and no jealousy.

[curiouskat69]

This is a great thread and I felt like I learned alot from it, thanks. I would like to say to doubleL that I haven't joined the lifestyle yet but I am doing my homework. I read somewhere that the number of times you get together with a couple before sex all depends on your comfort level, but it did go on to say especially with the first date that you should go out for drinks rather than dinner. That way if there is absolutely no attraction you can slip away easier. I am new to this and just sharing some of my homework with you, people who are more experienced from this site are much more credible advice givers than me.

[artboy]

We are not newbies...nor are we very experienced...3 encounters in the last 2.5 years we've been doing this..so my comments may have no relavance..but here go's..... Communication...Honesty..Trust....and pace yourself! Those are the 4 things that seem most important to us. We talk all the time, very openly and honestly. We have had trust issues arise, but they are countered by the honest communication level we maintain....as far as pacing yourselves.....like the others have stated.....dont jump first, then ask how deep is the water on the way down ....we move real slow...we like to get to know the other folks in traditionaly settings before any neeked time takes place. This has, and will probably continue to limit our prospective playmates.. .but this lifestyle choice is for US anyway...and "US" only....what we are doing with the other couple is totally selfish..but.....(and a big "BUT" here)...the other couples we have played with feel the same way in regard to myself and Mrs. Artboy..This may not work for you, but is has worked great for us. Also..we are picky..not snobbish....just picky.....therefore the screening process is important. I mean lets be real...there ar some folks that live for this...there are some that the main goal on the first meeting is sex...and then those folks that "assume" things...we all know what assume means....for us though, we like to move slow, talk to um...trust um...discuss it with each other...then pehaps take the next step. We know this limits our playtime but really this approach has worked very well...for "US" anyway! soapbox

Have a code word or phrase between you and your spouse that you can use to let the other know if you are interested or not.

We have found it is hard to find a couple where all 4 click or even attracted to each other. I might be clicking with the female from the other couple and Mrs naughty might be doing all she can to put a good face on to get us thru dinner. or vice versa. So if a code word or phrase is used your other half will know if you are not interested.

[WesternSwing]

1) Make sure you have some good ground rules set before you go out. Or at least make sure you are both on the same page regarding what you want out of swinging. It sucks to find out you crossed the line in some way with your spouse after you already have. The more experienced you get the less rules you may have, but when you start out sometimes stuff you didn't think would bother you, does.

2) Remember you are in control. Don't feel pressured to do something with someone else you don't want to. This included even getting involved with them. You can walk away from any situation you are uncomfortable in. Remember you are in it for YOUR fun.

3) Always remember that your spouse is the most important person in the room.

I'm sure I'll think of more, but there is my starter list.

Mr. WS

[fun_pairTX]

Set your limits and tlak talk talk to you partner.

[twoforone100]

Agreed... never meet a new couple for dinner.. always meet for drinks.....Just saying it could be the longest two hours of your life......and not in a good way

[LFM2]

Go to house parties, Meet & Greets, clubs with no expectations. You might want something to happen, but don't expect anything. That way, when you go with no expectations and something does happen, it's icing on the cake.

Well, if we had to pick a couple of things that have guided us through this journey, they'd probably be :

1. Move forward only at the pace of the least comfortable of the two of you.
-> This one has been an interesting point for us, as the least comfortable of the two of us changes from one situation to another. We constantly check with each other about new situations as they arise, and only move forward once we're both comfortable. It's absolutely slowed down or stopped some playtime opportunities, but in the end the time we do get is much more fun.

2. Don't dwell on things... No regrets.
-> When things don't go as planned (and it happens... No matter how hard you try), don't regret decisions or dwell on the circumstances. This is supposed to be something fun you're doing together, so concentrating on the missteps can only make things harder.

Most of all, have fun together!

Mr. Cpl4funindel

[lardub]

I read somewhere on here that a list exist for couples do go through. A checklist was what I thought it was but I'm unable to locate it, after trying numerous search configurations.
Does this strike a memory with anyone and if so can you repost it or lead me in the right direction.
If memory serves my right it was a list that a couple could go through that would assist with setting limits..
L

[realcplub2]

This actually a great thread that should be recycled..

The OP, asked:

If you could pick one important piece of advice that you wish YOU had known when you were a beginner, what would it be?

also

What is one rule that nobody ever really talks about but everyone figures out eventually (for example, men don't advertise bisexuality in swinger's clubs because they will get shunned)?

The one piece of advice is that You proceed at the pace of the slowest person in the group, and Communication is key, between all parties involved.

We have had encounters where we all were ready to go somewhere private, but no one spoke up. The kicker is, it was a restaurant with a hotel attached.

The other most important piece of advice is relax, and know what you are comfortable with. Never take one for the team, or allow yourself to be put in an uncomfortable postion, figuratively or litterly

[ENCRYPTEDTX]

Beginners,

One thing that I think is the most important (yes discretion is important) is communication. You are two separate individuals and have different thoughts. If you havent been the "Devil's Advocate" to one another you will not be prepared when an awkward moment arises.

If you havent asked each other a million "what if's" you are wrong. This will help determine your boundaries and what is acceptable to the left and right of it.

I am a single guy and enjoy couples. I like to ask the couple tons of "what if's"

What if I kiss the lady? Is that something that is too intimate to be shared?
What if I ejaculate during oral....What are the boundaries?
What if I dont seem up to par when we meet at coffee?
What if someone feels uncomfortable during "game time"
What if you feel a stray hand in the dark and cant determine exact ownership?
What if she is left speechless by his great performance?
What is he "larger" or has better stamina than the Mr?

I could go on for days, and every couple will answer differently to these questions and scenarios...

Communicate Communicate Communicate!

Then when its over...be truthful in what was good, and bad...and other..

Kyle

[shy_couple]

1. Dont rush things!!!!!!!!!! (rule for starting out)

2. Chemistry! (Not spoken but soooooooo important for us)

We still consider ourselves newbies and learning the ropes but when we first were looking, we contacted and had contact from people we would never play with today. Luckily the timing, situation, or gut kicked in and we didn't make any big (and only a few little) mistakes.

It is easy to find people who just want to get naked and fuck. We are looking for something more than that. We really are looking for friends with benefits. We are (as our handle suggests) quite shy and we need someone respectful and someone we feel safe with to get naked with. Also Mrs Shy is a bigger girl (size 16-18) and still insecure with her body image. At first we (she) felt we could only target larger couples or girls. Much to her surprise and my enjoyment, most of the couples we have met, we would have once considered out of our league. So waiting and being selective has paid off well for us. We have met some beautiful people in more than one sense of the word.

[spiritualuk]

Good advice people is really appreciated  I agree discretion is a key factor, so is taking your time, and communicating with each other about your desires and fears. However my honest advice for anyone wanting to try / get into this lifestyle is:

1. STUDY – In my view you can talk all you like, you can communicate, can build trust, can even be discreet as you like, BUT how does any of that work unless you REALLY understand what your getting yourself into? By all means learn from other peoples lives, experiences, and their mistakes, read forums online, read advice articles, or even books, ask questions to people who have tried this, and try and get a DECENT understanding of what swinging is about. One of your first priorities is to get understanding, to learn about this subject a little, about its pleasures, and its dangers, about the good parts and the bad, because believe me there can be a lot to consider, so firstly arm yourself with a little knowledge and understanding, and you will be much better equipped.

HONESTLY people rushing into this lifestyle can cause serious problems and one of my own regrets when first starting this lifestyle was not studying it more thoroughly, please remember that not everyone thinks the same, their dreams, desires, fears, social lives, and even feelings could be remarkably different to yours, and basically this lifestyle can be challenging and is filled with questions and possible problems. One of my main peaces of advice for anyone wanting to try this lifestyle is simply to read, learn and study, try and figure out what problems could face you before they happen, try and understand what people have done before you, what pleasures and risks they have faced, and basically try and learn from there mistakes before rushing in and making them yourself, so learn first.


2. HYGIENE – My second peace of advice is simply that good personal hygiene is a vital part of this lifestyle and it can often be overlooked to some extent. My advice to anyone (couple or single) who wants to try this lifestyle is to make SURE your personal hygiene / body are fully cleaned, groomed and ready before you play with anyone, which can actually take more effort than just having a quick shower. Good bodily hygiene and preparation is not only the nice and pleasant thing to do, but it will also help you gain further invites and more play requests, as speaking honestly nobody likes nasty smells, unwashed sweaty bodies or totally over grown pubic areas, so have good hygiene:

SOME HYGIENE TIPS

Make sure your hair is cut / tidy in appearance – This will give a positive impression

Groom / Shave / Trim your pubic areas – Not many people like a lot of pubic hair and generally in sexual situation to much hair can cause problems, it can get stuck in peoples teeth, mouth or even up the vagina, so make sure to trim your pubic areas well.

Remove any unsightly or unwanted hairs – This could be on your arms, back, bum crack, lip, or wherever else, but basically if you have any unsightly hairs that could put some people off they would be best shaved and removed before meeting and playing.

Trim both your toe / finger nails – Both finger and toe nails can actually be sharp or even smelly, cracked or dirty, so make sure you trim your nails well before meeting people, for a start NO GIRL will thank you for shoving a dirty and sharp finger nail up her vagina, so make sure your finger and toe nails are cut and clean.

Brush your teeth and tongue well – Make sure to brush your teeth and tongue well before meeting, bad breath can be a very big turn off. If you are conscious about this then you can also take some chewing gum with you to freshen your breath, or even a little bottle of mouth wash.

Trim nose / ear hair – This easily could come under the category of removing unsightly hair but is worth a separate mention because these are the things that can easily be forgotten and over looked.

Clean your bum area: This applies to both sex’s but please make sure to give your bum area a really good wash before meeting anyone, because firstly having an unclean, unwashed, heavily stained bum could be off putting, and also because there is a chance people will be close to that area, things such as oral sex require you to be very close, and that area can sometimes be touched, licked, fingered, so make sure its clean.

Use nice deodorant / perfume or aftershave – Make sure you smell nice and use some under arm type deodorant and some perfume or aftershave, HOWEVER there are several rules, firstly do NOT use to much, that can be chocking to be around, and secondly do NOT put deodorant / perfume type products on your (face, neck, breast, or sexual organs) basically DO NOT put perfumed / aftershave type products anywhere than someone could kiss or lick, as they will get a sharp and nasty taste when licking, my advice is to use deodorant under the arms, and a little perfume or aftershave on the knees and elbows, both are places people aren’t likely to lick, but you still get the scent and nice smell.

Maybe trim your eyebrows if needed – Some people (mainly men) do have very overgrown eyebrows and to some people that can be very off putting, not only that but some studies have actually stated that a man with a stronger eyebrow line can look more aggressive (not sure how much truth is behind that) but either way that might not be the best impression to be sending to your new play mates.

Cloths – By all means dress to the occasion, or in what makes you feel comfy, but please make sure you wear clean freshly washed cloths and underwear. I had one encounter some years back with a young girl (and sure she was really nice) however she had this habit of taking a shower and then just putting the dirty cloths straight back on again, sure she was clean, was showered, was fresh, but then was putting stale, musty and odorous cloths straight back on. Please make sure to where clean cloths and underwear when meeting people because bad smells can get trapped in your cloths and having a shower or bath is literally pointless if you’re going to put smelly cloths back on.

Face Hair – On women this can put people off, however my one peace of advice is to men simply because if you haven’t shaved for a few days and you have stubble, then sure it might look a little rough but believe me between a girls legs it can feel like sand paper and no one is going to thank you for making them feel uncomfortable and sore, by all means if you have a beard then ok, but generally tough stubble will grate like sand paper.


OVERALL the simple fact is some peoples ideas of hygiene differ greatly, one person will spend an hour or two getting ready before they meet you  the next person will say something like “I had a bath this morning before work so I’m fine” when in reality they have just finished a dirty 8 hour shift at work. Some peoples views on hygiene do differ greatly but rest assured if your going to be smelly, unwashed, or in someway dirty then chances are your not going to get many further invites. HOWEVER PEOPLE please remember that you can have the BEST personal hygiene in the world, but none of that counts if your house is dirty and smelly, by all means have good hygiene, but if your inviting people back to (your home) then your home should also be clean and fresh, so tidy your house, empty the bins, put on fresh clean bedding, scented candles and so on.

I can remember meeting one couple online around 2002 or something like that, and both me and my girl friend chatted to this couple for about two months online as there was some distance between us. In fairness we got on really well and had plenty of chance to ask questions, and they seemed like a decent, clean and friendly couple, and in the end they invited us to there home and we decided to travel to meet them at our expense, but have to say on arriving at there home we were literally horrified and the state of the place, the entire house smelt like rotting milk, the carpets were stained so badly you couldn’t even see what colour they were, and the entire place was littered with children’s toys, old papers, dirty cups and plates, and was basically a health risk, the kitchen was covered in grease, the bathroom was awful, and during the guided tour we even got to see the bedroom and the bed wasn’t even made, meaning they had been sleeping in those sheets for what looked like weeks or even months, they looked filthy.

This is not a big headed statement but both myself and girl friend were gleaming, were shaved, groomed, bathed, the full works, even had brand new cloths on, and honestly we were the cleanest things in there entire house. The male of the couple had not shaved for days, smelt of sweat and had badly stained cloths on, and within maybe one hour of us arriving he was trying to push us upstairs and had asked for full sex, we obviously made our excuses and left promptly. Please believe me some peoples views on hygiene honestly do differ greatly, but if you want to succeed in his lifestyle and have good feedback and further requests then you NEED to be clean and fresh, in all respects.


I hope this RANT has helped someone  as stated one of my first peaces of advice would be to learn about this lifestyle first (learn as much as possible) and learn from other peoples mistakes and errors, as for hygiene well my honest advice is to make sure your fresh, clean and smelling nice from tip to toe, make sure your pubic hair is in check, make sure your nails are cut, tidy your house well if your having guests, make a effort to be clean and nice, and that will be noticed. Hope the huge reply helped lol.

Regards x