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buckmclane

Saying Hi, and How to proceed from here with swinging?

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Hello eveyone,

 

I am super new to this site and this lifestyle. I am here mostly for information. I am married to a female. I am interested in learning about this lifestyle. At first look, I thought it would have been creepy but then I actually read the comments and posts I was pleasantly surprised! I love all of the feedback that everyone gives it really seems honest and friendly, not creepy!

 

I am a large framed guy 6'3 about 250 and my wife is much smaller than me she is 5 years younger than me. I am celebrating my 35 at the end of the week! My wife recently asked me if I wanted to have a threesome FMF for my birthday. My wife has always wanted to have a threesome and I had the typical guy response of heck yeah! Then I actually started to think about it and want to gather info. I have read a lot on this site about FFM and MFM and I don't think I would be ready to have another M in the mix yet.

 

I grew up catholic and sex was love and blah blah... I have recently started to come out of my shell and actually entertain the idea of swinging and involving more than just me. My wife was not raised catholic and she is freer with sex. She is educated about it and thinks about sex differently than I do. She see is as "just sex" and I can't wrap that in my brain. I am trying to figure it out in my head and not think about how I was raised but how I feel about it. I do have a jealousy issue but I think early in our relationship it was because I was super insecure about myself. I have grown since we were first together. I don't want that statement to have people say.... this lifestyle is not for you. I have read that ALOT but I disagree; I think I would be able to like it.

 

We have been together for 15 years and married for 7. I have been with 2 others beside her and she was with 1 besides me. I love her to pieces and I don't want her to feel that she is missing something because she wasn't able to explore with more people M or F. Our sex life used to be not good because I was selfish. I wasn't able to make her cum when I was inside her. She would always cum when I would go down on her. Then I started to think about her more and find out what I was able to do to make her have an incredible experience with me. I have gotten her to open up to me and trust me so every time we have sex I can usually get her to cum once or twice before I do...sometimes not. But we always talk and make sure we are both satisfied before we are done. I want to make the right decision for both of us and not cause any weird feelings because we chose to take this next step...

 

Well, that is my story and I just wanted to stop by and introduce myself. Thank you for reading!

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Welcome to the forum and thanks for such a great introduction!!

 

My advice to you - don't try to get yourselves into a threesome just because it's your birthday. Why, you ask? One, unless your wife has someone lined up already, you wont likely find a candidate that fast and connect and make set arrangements - in otherwords, you'll be sorely disappointed. Two, you're not ready yet. Continue your research here and talk to your wife about your feelings and fears. Take some baby steps together and don't put a timetable on it.

 

Bring her here to read and share, then discuss your opinions and concerns. Feel free to ask us anything that pops up:)

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This really is the very best place in the World Wide Web for advice -- on swinging and many other things. I'll be looking forward to exchanging ideas with you in the forums.

 

Is your wife doing her own research? Does she have a friend in The Lifestyle who is able to coach her? As Angelkin suggested, she might want to take a peek here too.

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Welcome and thanks for the comprehensive introduction. I'm glad you found your way here. I'm also glad you don't find the community creepy. ;)

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I wanted to see if anyone was having the same type of issue with fmf. Most of the stuff I have found is mfm and I am not sure that I am ready for that and after talking to her she told me that she really wasn't interested in having another M. I just wanted to make sure I talk with people who have had some good experiences and bad experiences.

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:Welcome:

 

Great to have you as a member! We're not too creepy, promise. In fact, if you met most of us here in real life, you would probably say we are rather boring. Unfulfilling jobs, house with a mortgage, too much to do and not enough time to do it - just living the American Dream :)

 

I read a lot of good things in your intro, things that are good in other aspects of your life and relationship, not just about whether or not swinging is something you need to do. That is a lot of what people don't get about swinging in my opinion - there are many, many things that go into swinging, and for just about all of them, they aren't unique to the swinging aspect of your life. Communication, social skills, honesty, respect for other people and their feelings, and so on - very important in swinging, very important outside of swinging.

 

It's a journey, and there is no finish line, and you aren't being timed. Just take things slow, keep talking with yourself and your wife, enjoy the journey, and wherever you end up, that will be the right place for you.

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Welcome buckmclane! What a great first post - you are brave. I hope that you and the wifey figure out what works best for the pair of you. Cheers and good luck!

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Thank you for the welcome guys I took your advice and had my wife look at the boards at the FAQ's she understand a little bit more. We were talking last night for a while about it and she opened up a lot to me and I open up a lot to her she felt like I was judging her when we had sex I had no idea she felt that way after we talked about it we can acted on an entirely different level and had probably the most incredible sex we've ever had ever ever and I meant to put two Evers. I think I'm more open to the LS with a couple because in my head if she is with another guy with me and another girl I know we're going home together and I wouldn't feel threatened because I know he's going home with the other girl. Again I think this is in my head and it's going to be hard for me to come out and we're just going to take it very very slow . But thank you guys very much for your input and you help me connect with my wife better than ever before

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You're both going about this correctly and you need to relax and just take your time. Like the incredible sex you just had after discussing it, you'll have a lot more exploring possibilities and discussing differenct scenarios.

 

I have a sense that the proposed FMF is as much for your wife as for a birthday gift to you though. Keep that in mind as you talk. Just a thought...

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Ok now I am stuck.... After incredible sex and her coming like crazy...I was just happy in the direction we were heading. Taking it slow. I told her this past week was the best sex of our married lives and I wanted to take it slow and enjoy this for a while. This really pissed her off !! I told her that I wanted to have a three some with her and try swinging just that we go slow. She told me she felt that I was being selfish and that I was leading her on.. just telling her what she wanted to hear... I am not thoroughly confused, would anyone be able to help? You can always send a message or respond to the post. Thank you again for reading.

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Was there anything between your initial "heck yeah" and the "taking it slow"? If there wasn't much communication about the subject between those two, she may feel like you took sort of an unexpected abrupt turn on her. Not saying in any way you had to stick to heck yeah just because you said it at first, but it may have left her thinking "what just happened?"

 

I also could see how she could be pissed about how you presented it. Not that one should ever rush into things, especially swinging, but the way your post reads is the slowdown is all about so you can get some more incredible sex. Not we want to take it slow to avoid a mistake, take it slow to make sure to find the perfect playmate for the first time, take it slow so we can discuss it more, etc. but rather take it slow because I want some more of this sex.

 

Final thought is this - to me one of the most dangerous things you can do with discussions/decisions about swinging is to tie them to your own sex lives with each other. Those decisions need to be made with a clear head and free of any other incentive or distraction, and sex is one hell of an incentive and distraction. Probably time to have a good long talk over coffee one lazy weekend morning and reboot here.

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Final thought is this - to me one of the most dangerous things you can do with discussions/decisions about swinging is to tie them to your own sex lives with each other.

 

Your spouse, and your life with your spouse, and your sex life together are more important than any swing experience. Keep your marriage strong, happy, lusty and loving.

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Welcome, buckmclane! I hope you're enjoying the wealth of info here. Lots of good advice and insights.

 

I'm happy to hear that you're actively expanding your sexual horizons together. A worthy endeavour! Sometimes swinging works, sometimes not, but either way, you finally know for sure, right? You will have answered some of those nagging burning questions that plague couples. The what-ifs and I-wonders. Take the advice above: do not rush anything. Just let it be whatever it is, because that's what's right for you. The goal is to bring you and your wife closer together while being more yourselves than you were before. Whatever you find yourselves doing, as long as you're accomplishing that, you're there.

 

Looking forward to getting to know you both.

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I also could see how she could be pissed about how you presented it. Not that one should ever rush into things, especially swinging, but the way your post reads is the slowdown is all about so you can get some more incredible sex. Not we want to take it slow to avoid a mistake, take it slow to make sure to find the perfect playmate for the first time, take it slow so we can discuss it more, etc. but rather take it slow because I want some more of this sex.

 

Damn insightful! I didn't look at it that way. That is what I was saying. I wasn't saying I just want you now. I was saying I want to make sure it is the best thing for our first time. Thank you for letting me see the error of communication. Sometimes I can be pretty dumb when I open my mouth for the wrong reason.

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Ok now I am stuck.... After incredible sex and her coming like crazy...I was just happy in the direction we were heading. Taking it slow. I told her this past week was the best sex of our married lives and I wanted to take it slow and enjoy this for a while. This really pissed her off !! I told her that I wanted to have a three some with her and try swinging just that we go slow. She told me she felt that I was being selfish and that I was leading her on.. just telling her what she wanted to hear... I am not thoroughly confused, would anyone be able to help? You can always send a message or respond to the post. Thank you again for reading.

 

I went through the same thing, going through it still. My wife is 100% all for threesomes with other women. She even one up, even when I initally told her I wanted to take it slow. But my wife is a very sexual person, a lot of simularitys you described in your initial post between my wife and I. We would lay in bed and fantasies about me and her with another woman, and she would get all hot and bothered, and we would have amazing sex.

 

I quickly realized that I really only want to be with my wife. My wife and I had played with others a couple times, but she enjoyed it way more then I did.... On top of that the little bit of jelousy I felt before (when we where younger, and I thought was gone) was growing out of control. Needless to say, I wanted to slow down, and she wanted to go full throttle! But I hear EXACTLY what you just descibed... almost verbatum about leading her on. Maybe I did, inadvertantly. Ive gotten a lot of great advice from people on this board, one of the best was basically dont go faster then the slowest person. It will save a ton of arguments, and your wife needs to understand that. Its a journey for both of you. Also I might suggest, you think and imagine your wife with another man. Doing things she does to you... or even things she hasnt done for you, before you decide to take that next step. If you even get the least bit jelouse, I suggest you rethink the idea.

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Ok now I am stuck.... After incredible sex and her coming like crazy...I was just happy in the direction we were heading. Taking it slow. I told her this past week was the best sex of our married lives and I wanted to take it slow and enjoy this for a while. This really pissed her off !! I told her that I wanted to have a three some with her and try swinging just that we go slow. She told me she felt that I was being selfish and that I was leading her on.. just telling her what she wanted to hear... I am not thoroughly confused, would anyone be able to help? You can always send a message or respond to the post. Thank you again for reading.

 

Ironically, I think her response means going slow is the right idea. Clearly, you guys need to work on your communication a little bit. :)

 

It sounds to me like you need to find out a little more where she is coming from and what she is wanting. You also need to explain where you are coming from and what you want. In short, you need to get on the same page, trust each other and be open and honest with each other. Believe it or not, it sounds like you're off to a good start... but you've got some work to do.

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Damn insightful! I didn't look at it that way. That is what I was saying. I wasn't saying I just want you now. I was saying I want to make sure it is the best thing for our first time. Thank you for letting me see the error of communication. Sometimes I can be pretty dumb when I open my mouth for the wrong reason.

 

I hope you've continued communicating. One thing I thought of, in reading your initial post and this one, is that you had problems earlier because you were a selfish lover. I hope you talk about that, too, about how you know it's not just about you and what you want, that you're not being selfish (unless, on reflection, you realize you are, in which case, own it and talk about it). Then make sure your wife gets and takes just as much time to talk about what she wants and why. And do make sure that she knows you're not judging, or the likelihood is that she won't be completely honest.

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The most important thing on this road is (IMHO) communication.

 

The second most important thing is more communication.

 

The third most important thing is bacon (just seeing if you're paying attention).

 

There is no rule that says IF you two decide to pursue this, the only option is full swap. In fact there are plenty of couples who only do soft swap (and soft can mean just about any and every combination you can think of including only F/F or even just same room sex with no cross contact). There is no right or wrong answers here. As you have already found out, just talking about sex can be darn hot (the brain is the biggest sex organ). The hardest part is the vulnerability that comes from opening up...something that's hard for a lot of people to do. Talk, set your limits, and (as already stated by SwingingNot4Me) never move faster than the slowest member of the group. We (me and the Mrs.) have a rule that one no means no for everyone and without any repercussions. No taking anything 'for the team'.

 

No matter what happens with the two of you from this point, you are both better off than you were. This should be a journey you take together and ENJOY the trip.

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Update.... so I finally decided to man up and deal with my insecurities and go for it. I think that it would be awesome to have another couple and take it slow. Talking to the wife and trusting her with my emotions (which was terrifying for me) was the best way to go. I was honest with myself and with her and it has been a lot better in our playing. We still haven't player with another couple yet but we are going to be in Vegas at the end of the month sat and sun and hope we will be able to find a couple to play with. We have been married for 7 years and we haven't been able to go for a two day period with out kids anywhere for more than a few hours. We now have two nights and the entire day without anyone but ourselves and can't wait!!! I just wanted to thank you guys for being awesome and helping us out in our relationship!

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After typing the first lines I worded some of the wrong. (Old habits) I meant to use, we and us and not I.

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Glad to hear you guys have kept up the communication and moving forward.

Regardless of what specifics happen in Vegas, I wish you the best of times. Keep on this path (of honesty and communication), and you'll find them. :-D

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Have fun, and keep those communication lines open all the time. Not only listen with your ears, but with your eyes and other senses. I wish you a very fun weekend!

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Just thought that I would add that there are successful swingers that have jealousy issues. They have just learned to work through them. Whenever you feel those emotions starting to rise, you need to make sure you share them with your wife and that is when your wife needs to be her most supportive.

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Just thought that I would add that there are successful swingers that have jealousy issues. They have just learned to work through them. Whenever you feel those emotions starting to rise, you need to make sure you share them with your wife and that is when your wife needs to be her most supportive.

 

That makes sense. I have read a lot on the boards and looked inside myself a lot and realized that I need to be honest with my feelings with my wife and not be so guarded. I haven't felt so close to her ever in our relationship and I can't wait to take this next step with her.

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Glad to hear that you two are thinking everything through and talking. It can be unsettling (for a guy) to open up, but if the trust is there, it can also be wonderful. Good luck and keep us all up to date with your journey.

 

Never forget: Communication, communication, bacon.

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Hi, buckmclane! I was wondering if you two decided to go through with your plans in Vegas and, if so, how did it go? How is the communication going between you two?

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Hi, buckmclane! I was wondering if you two decided to go through with your plans in Vegas and, if so, how did it go? How is the communication going between you two?

 

Hello, we went to Vegas for our anniversary and it was really awesome we had an epic room and we had a lot of fun. Bad part was that we were both got sick the first night and felt terrible when we were there. We have talked about it a lot and actually had our first experience with another girl. That opened a lot of things that I wasn't expecting. The girl actually used me to have sex with my wife... it was weird because I haven't been used before. It was kind of a let down for me because there was stuff she "just didn't do" and most of it was what I had in my fantasies. She was very loud and very fake loud. Overall the experience wasn't great and I am leaving a lot out because it would be a two page post if I didn't. We are still looking to play with another couple and another female that would enjoy both side and participate in both sides.

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Thanks for the update. Nothing worse than feeling sick on vacation. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Just remember, there is no timer, there is no finish line, this is supposed to be a fun, bonding thing between the two of you. Just take your time and enjoy the ride...and keep us up to date.

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Thanks for the update. Nothing worse than feeling sick on vacation. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Just remember, there is no timer, there is no finish line, this is supposed to be a fun, bonding thing between the two of you. Just take your time and enjoy the ride...and keep us up to date.

 

Yes I have made it a goal to lose weight and to go back to Vegas for my birthday in January to experience an awesome and amazing time and north be sick. I have been going to the gym and so has the wife so we should be super amazing awesome for the January trip!!

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Thanks for the update, buckmclane, though I am sorry to hear that you two got sick and the experience wasn't as enjoyable as you thought it would be. I hope you find another female to join you two that is equally interested in both of you. I do want to caution you though about having expectations on what is going to happen when you engage in another FMF...if you have in mind a checklist of what you want done you're going to be disappointed every time. Just enjoy whatever comes your way.

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