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Thread: Question about separating sex from love

  1. #1

    Default Question about separating sex from love

    We've never had a swinging experience, but we've done FMF and BDSM (and I still can't decide if I'm sub or Domme ... sigh).
    We took a break from that for a few years and have been talking lately about playing with others.
    This time, I said, I am interested in having contact with another man (or even another woman; I'm game) while he plays with a lady who makes his toes curl. In the same room, of course. I quite like to watch him have fun; I prefer watching to participating in FMF with him.
    What I'm working on is separating sex and love so the Crazy Slut inside may come out and play without any guilt ... and as little jealousy as possible. In the past, I've been known to be very territorial and insecure.
    But that was before we were married. I'm much more confident now in the fact my husband loves me and doesn't want to go anywhere. Actually, I'm somewhat concerned HE might become the green-eyed monster now that we're married.
    Any suggestions from the Old Hats would be much appreciated.
    Thank you.

  2. #2

    Default Re: Question about separating sex from love

    I think the key is to fuck, don't make love. It helps a lot if one makes the experience one based on having fun, rather that the deep and serious feelings "making love" usually entails. Laugh, joke, talk, come.

    Alura
    "They may call me a rube and a hick, but I'd a lot rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it."
    —Will Rogers

  3. #3

    Default Re: Question about separating sex from love

    I wish I had good advice for you, but I've never had trouble separating the two...I think some people are just built like that and I am happen to be one of them.

    I think Alura's suggestion was great advice. Maybe limiting the number of times in a row you meet with the same people or putting a set time between encounters could help too. I think when one has a great time sharing with others, it's easy for feelings to creep in if meetings are ongoing and packed into a short period of time. Limiting communication between meetings could also help.
    There's time for sleep when you're dead.

  4. #4

    Default Re: Question about separating sex from love

    I find that seperating sex and love with a stranger is easy. But seperating sex and love with my husband wasn't. Seeing him with someone else reminded me of him with me and it looked the same. It did hurt my feelings. I am forever changed by it. It changed the way I see sex completely and I know it is "self preservation".

    I think there is a big difference seperating sex and love with a stranger and doing it with your spouse. I apparently can't turn it off and on when it comes to my husband. Some folks claim they can and you may be that way but I couldn't where my husband is concerned. I now see all sex as sex. I love my husband just as much as I did before but sexually it's different.

    Just my experience.

  5. #5

    Default Re: Question about separating sex from love

    Quote Originally Posted by Alura View Post
    Laugh, joke, talk, come.
    - Alura
    That would make a great Tshirt

  6. #6

    Default Re: Question about separating sex from love

    There's really no way to know how you'll feel until it happens. I think you just need to agree that you are going to try it, discuss it thoroughly, make limited, logical rules and then jump in. We agreed that whatever happened it was not going to affect our love or our relationship negatively. I think it's important that you establish that up front. We knew going into it, it was for fun and it has been. We were each other's only partners until swinging and it has been amazing for us. No jealousy or problems the first time. Since then jealousy, mostly in the form of feeling left out has sprung up a couple times and we've worked through it pretty easily.

  7. #7

    Default Re: Question about separating sex from love

    I had a hard time separating sex and love until my early 20's, even after marrying Dave. The first guy I ever had sex (when I was 15) with I loved. In fact, he's one of my close FB friends, and I can still say I love him, just now it's not a romantic type of love, if that makes sense. When I had sex with my first husband, I thought I was in love. After we married and had a child, I realized what a lie I was telling myself. I didn't love him. After we divorced and I had sex with others, I had always equated sex and love. I never could have even thought of having sex with a guy unless I had "feelings" for him. Never. Ever. When those relationships didn't work out, I'd get hurt. But, not having sex wasn't even a thought. I love sex. How could I go without? It was self-preservation to learn to separate sex and love. Instead of getting hurt all the time, why not just fuck and have fun? So basically, I learned how to separate it. I had to unlearn that thought process after I married Dave.

    Dave was telling me it was always easy to separate sex and love for him. He was just out to party, have sex and have as much fun as possible while doing it.

    I hope this answered any questions you might have had... I didn't explain myself very well up there; but hoping you know what I meant.
    Dave & Holly

  8. #8

    Default Re: Question about separating sex from love

    Maybe the separation has to do with limiting the contact to only occasional sex? Or not leaving the window open for developing other kinds of involvement that might confuse things a bit?

    For example, I must (embarassingly) confess that this "separation" gives me a hard time. Actually... it seems that if I start having sex frequently with someone, but also start doing things with that person such as talking, going out, sharing stuff, etc etc, most likely the next time I look, I will be falling inlove with him :S :S

    But.. since in your case you are a couple, I think that it is very important that you set your rules and compromise with each other not to break them... I've seen huge messes coming after the half of one couple starts calling or seeing separately the half of another couple or a single male/female they've played with... many times that has led to them bonding or even falling inlove, the other one feeling betrayed/separated... not nice things. So.. I guess you have to make your boundaries very clear and commit with each other to respect them.

    After all, you are loving each other in the first place
    I hope this was of help!!

    V

  9. #9

    Default Re: Question about separating sex from love

    Thank you, everyone. I love to read about your experiences. It helps a lot. The last post mentioned trouble when one member of the couple starts seeing a single (in this case female) and falling for that person. That's what happened before we got married and it almost ended our relationship. I moved out for four months after that happened. He now realizes she played us both. Neither one of us wants to go through that again.
    I'm also starting to understand a rule many of you live by: get to know you partners, but don't get too close. Keep your friends and your play partners separate. Makes sense.

  10. #10

    Default Re: Question about separating sex from love

    When you were young and single did you ever have a one night stand or hook up on the first date? If so, look at it the same way. It may also help if you avoid repeat visitors (or keep it to a minimum). The more time you spend with the same person repeatedly (especially if it's a single where they aren't already tied to someone emotionally) the more likely it is that some emotions may develop and cause issues.
    The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book

  11. #11

    Default Re: Question about separating sex from love

    From a Male point of view I find it easy to separate love and sex. There are times when my wife and I just fuck, no real foreplay or intimacy just sex. That is how we approached our one experience with another couple. I do think that limiting the amount of time you spend with another couple would help in preventing unwanted emotional connections being formed.

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