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thump29

Swing Partner Took the Condom Off!

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We have just recently gotten back into this lifestyle after being out of it for 4 years. We have had prior experiences before. We met up with a single male got to know each other really well or so i thought and we laid out all the ground rules, which the male was fine with. Well we just recently hooked up and a problem with the condom issue came up right away he said he would use one but i had to literally make him put it on. Well while we were doing something i didnt realize he had took the condom off had i have known we would have stopped it right there. My problem is that if he cant respect our wishes then he isnt going to get another chance. Not only did he take the condom off but he actually came inside me, by the time i realized that he wasnt wearing the condom it was too late. He wasnt at all the person he made himself out to be which was really disappointing because we believe in total honesty. How do I let this person know how I feel and how do I explain it to him that he messed up and that he wont be getting a second chance. If anybody out there can help me I would be so grateful. I am very confused and I dont know what happened because we had met and talked so much that i didnt think this would happen.

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I'm sorry your first experience back in the lifestyle went so poorly.

 

I would tell him exactly what you told us. Be very straight forward and honest. Don't sugar coat it. He needs to understand that by breaking the rules with you, he lost any chance of being with you again. And he needs to realize if he does this with other couples, he won't be in this lifestyle for very long.

 

There is no excuse for breaking the rules after he agreed to them. Trust is important.

 

Good luck and please let us know how it goes.

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The deed is done. The confidence is broken, never to be repaired. We'd simply tell him that because of what he did, y'all would never see him again.

 

Things like this happen far too often and single men think swingers are unreasonable in their suspicions of them. Why does this rarely happen with couples and single women? There is probably some risk of inappropriate behavior by both but it happens far less often than it does with single men. We'll stick with couples.

 

You didn't deserve this, Thump29, and we're sorry to hear it happened. Put it behind you. Forget it... and him, too.

 

Alura

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Not only did he take the condom off but he actually came inside me, by the time i realized that he wasnt wearing the condom it was too late. He wasnt at all the person he made himself out to be which was really disappointing because we believe in total honesty. How do I let this person know how I feel and how do I explain it to him that he messed up and that he wont be getting a second chance.

 

 

Thump--Please do not take this the wrong way for it is not intended for malice----but--Did you really ask this question???? How did this guy let you know of his intention of trying to get you pregnant--or giving you anything else he might have as a special surprise for you?? He didn't!! I pray that he did not give u any type of conditions. He totally disreguraded your rules---you--and your mate's!!!! This guy had no respect for you!!! None! How on the face on this earth--are you even considering to respect his feeling--of what you are going to and what you absolutely must tell him?????

 

Thump--you were able to tell him that he would be allow to make love to u. You told him straight forwardly that he was to wear a condom. His arrogance in this situation told you exactly wht he thought of you and your feelings--So what?? Who cares?? Yeah--yeah--sure--whatever! But all the while he was contending to do what ever it would take to enhance his own feelings--his own pleasures---not yours. your feeling was not his option.

I sugest you make it his option! Tell the creep to get lost!!!!!!! And make no attempt to spare his feelings!!!

 

A side note if I may here---single guys--did you read what thump wrote??? Do you understand that this affects you too?? This is our history in swinging, or just plain dating in general!!!! This is what represents us! And there are guys wondering why it is so difficult to be involved with this??? UUUURRRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Men!! I knew there was a reason why I didn't date them!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Originally posted by thump29

How do I let this person know how I feel and how do I explain it to him that he messed up and that he wont be getting a second chance.

I'd be tempted to introduce his face to the business end of a baseball bat. At a high velocity.
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Quote: "I am very confused and I dont know what happened because we had met and talked so much that i didnt think this would happen."

 

 

First there is nothing to be confused about, the guy is an lying, disrespectful, asshole. Second there are people that will agree all day long with your limits and then do what they want to do anyone. I would dump him/them with all the respect that they accorded you. NONE

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“The condom issue came up right away he said he would use one but I had to literally make him put it on. Well while we were doing something I didn’t realize he had took the condom off had I have known we would have stopped it right there. My problem is that if he can’t respect our wishes then he isn’t going to get another chance. Not only did he take the condom off but he actually came inside me, by the time I realized that he wasn’t wearing the condom it was too late.”

 

Well let’s see this single male is still walking. I believe if he were to do that to my wife he would have a hard time wheeling himself around town with 2 broken legs and two broken arms. You see he broke the rules of engagement. There is no second chance. An attack on the home front such as his requires a swift and equally devastating response. My advice writes him a note explaining why he is to never contact you and your husband again. Maybe he won’t try that again. And my heart goes out to you.

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This isn't really anything to be confused about Thump29. Angry that you were deceived? Absolutely! Some people are real con artists and this dude is scum, pure and simple. With some people you can never tell, no matter well you think you know them.....that is until they betray you in manner such as this.

 

I vote with the others, "dump the scum bag and tell him exactly why".

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I appreciate everybodys advice right now i am torn between feelings that it was my fault that i should have seen it coming and being really pissed. Not only did he now respect my wishes but he was really forceful and i dont play that game. I am also kinda scared now about swinging again we will definitely not include any single males that is for sure. I thought I knew this person and it makes me reconsider my judgement. We love this lifestyle and i want to remain in it but no males that is single. I have never been through this situation before and i am confused about what i did wrong. I was honest with him about everything and i cant see where we did anything wrong, but i feel to blame. I wouldnt of thought things would have turned out the way they did and now that they did i am worried will all of our experiences turn out this badly. We believe in being honest and I always set ground rules before anything happens i tried to prevent something like this from happening but why do i feel like i am to blame?

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Originally posted by happysexaddict

Not only did he take the condom off but he actually came inside me, by the time i realized that he wasnt wearing the condom it was too late. He wasnt at all the person he made himself out to be which was really disappointing because we believe in total honesty. How do I let this person know how I feel and how do I explain it to him that he messed up and that he wont be getting a second chance.

 

 

Thump--Please do not take this the wrong way for it is not intended for malice----but--Did you really ask this question???? How did this guy let you know of his intention of trying to get you pregnant--or giving you anything else he might have as a special surprise for you?? He didn't!! I pray that he did not give u any type of conditions. He totally disreguraded your rules---you--and your mate's!!!! This guy had no respect for you!!! None! How on the face on this earth--are you even considering to respect his feeling--of what you are going to and what you absolutely must tell him?????

 

 

 

Thump--you were able to tell him that he would be allow to make love to u. You told him straight forwardly that he was to wear a condom. His arrogance in this situation told you exactly wht he thought of you and your feelings--So what?? Who cares?? Yeah--yeah--sure--whatever! But all the while he was contending to do what ever it would take to enhance his own feelings--his own pleasures---not yours. your feeling was not his option.

I sugest you make it his option! Tell the creep to get lost!!!!!!! And make no attempt to spare his feelings!!!

 

A side note if I may here---single guys--did you read what thump wrote??? Do you understand that this affects you too?? This is our history in swinging, or just plain dating in general!!!! This is what represents us! And there are guys wondering why it is so difficult to be involved with this??? UUUURRRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Men!! I knew there was a reason why I didn't date them!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I couldnt believe that he removed the condom and that he actual come inside me. I am very worried and now i have to go to the doctor continously to make sure that he didnt give me anything and as far as getting pregnant thank god i had a tubal 4 yrs ago but he didnt know that. He was very forceful and he cared more about his pleasure than mine or my feelings. I am trying to figure out where the blame goes to me or him. I handed him a condom before we ever started and told him he would have to use it . Everything was laid out before we every done anything i cant find any blame in myself but i feel that i somehow should have seen this coming and prevented it better.

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Thump29, again, I say you did absolutely nothing wrong. Perhaps if you can learn one thing out of this, let it be that as soon as someone puts up a resistance to one of your rules (in this case a condom) it is time to just end it all right there.

 

We all make mistakes (goodness knows we have made our share), it's best to review them, see what you could have done differently and move on. Don't beat yourself up over this. While you say that you'll not include single men again, beware that this can happen with couples too. Single men aren't the sole breakers of rules. The next time you get any indication that your boundries are not going to be respected, then it's best to end it all then and there. Chances are if you don't, the experience will only go further down hill.

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Thump, this is in no way your fault. You made yourself clear, he decieved you. I would tell him as others have said, exactly what you told us. Please believe that not all people in the lifestyle are this way. I can understand your wanting to pull back. I hope that you can get past it and continue to enjoy the good aspects of this lifestyle.

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Thump, you did NOTHING wrong. We'd write him an ugly email and we wouldn't leave out any phrases like, "You miserable bastard..." We don't care how long it has been since the event, either. You have the right to enough time to consider the situation. You have the right to still be angry.

 

Put it behind you and look for a couple much like yourselves. We can guarantee you it will be worth it. Swinging with couples will be much better.

 

Alura

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Thump, I am hoping that you are noticing that pretty much everybody who have responded to you have been pretty much on the same page. Your part in this was a fragile part of you---the issue of wanting to trust someone. That is where your part ended. He had to substain that trust. He did not. He took full advantage of it. Unfortunately---it was taking the advantage of being on the wrong side of the track. The only true perpertrator in this case thump---is not you.

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Thump, that sounds so much like our first encounter that I'm wondering if it's the same guy. Probably not, as we are so far apart, but he was a 'traveling salesman' of sorts...

 

We wished to avoid a conflict and simply told him we had 'some issues to work out'. After that little episode, we certainly did.

 

However, we each wrote angry emails that we subsequently deleted before sending. Catharsis is good for the soul...

 

Whatever you decide to do, please don't blame yourself. There is nothing you have done wrong.

 

-B

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Originally posted by thump29

I appreciate everybodys advice right now i am torn between feelings that it was my fault that i should have seen it coming and being really pissed. Not only did he now respect my wishes but he was really forceful and i dont play that game. I am also kinda scared now about swinging again we will definitely not include any single males that is for sure. I thought I knew this person and it makes me reconsider my judgement. We love this lifestyle and i want to remain in it but no males that is single. I have never been through this situation before and i am confused about what i did wrong. I was honest with him about everything and i cant see where we did anything wrong, but i feel to blame. I wouldnt of thought things would have turned out the way they did and now that they did i am worried will all of our experiences turn out this badly. We believe in being honest and I always set ground rules before anything happens i tried to prevent something like this from happening but why do i feel like i am to blame?

 

You know what you did wrong? You let yourself trust someone. You let yourself believe this asshole was genuinely concerned with your feelings. The only thing you have to feel guilty about is being human, and we are all guilty of that.

 

Stop looking to punish yourself. The don't worry about his feelings, and don't pull any punches if he tries to contact you again.

 

uh, did I say the guy was an asshole?

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Originally posted by EternallySingle

 

uh, did I say the guy was an asshole?

 

If you didn't, Eternally, a lot of other people covered that base for you!

 

Alura

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Just one more email to reiterate that the problem was his, that the fault was his, and that the guilt should be his. Don't punish yourself anymore.

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came late to the thread

 

repeat...

 

YOU did nothing wrong

 

THIS GUY was a really big *jerk* (insert word of your choice here)

 

You have amazing self control since you didn't beat the crap out of him immediately for it. I commend you for it. It would have just created legal problems for you anyway.

 

sorry you had a bad experience. :(

 

Naughty A.:(

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I posted a thread a couple days ago about a bad experience we had our first time back into this lifestyle. My question is it is ok to expect some answers for the things that he done or should i just let it go. I am confused and I dont know why he did what he did but I would like some answers from him. I am trying really hard to get over this but I just cant figure out what changed him or why did he put up an act after we were so honest.

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Thump29, I went ahead and merged your new thread with this one as it all applies to the same situation.

 

If I were you I wouldn't worry about what he thinks. He OBVIOUSLY doesn't think sanely or respectfully. As much as you may want to know the answers, do you think that you could believe anything he says at this point? He has already proven himself to be untrustworthy.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd send the guy a good piece of my mind, via e-mail and then block him from ever sending you anything else again.

 

I don't think I noticed before, but did this guy meet you in your home or does he have your phone number? If that is the case, then disregard my above, and just politely tell him that you have no further interest in seeing him again and THEN block or ignore all future e-mails from him.

 

To be honest though, just based on his behavior, he got what he wanted in the way he wanted it and probably has no desire to be back with ya'll in the future anyway. I despise people like that, and there are plenty of them out there.

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Originally posted by thump29

I posted a thread a couple days ago about a bad experience we had our first time back into this lifestyle. My question is it is ok to expect some answers for the things that he done or should i just let it go. I am confused and I dont know why he did what he did but I would like some answers from him. I am trying really hard to get over this but I just cant figure out what changed him or why did he put up an act after we were so honest.

 

Thump--may I also suggest that you go to the singles forum--and read the threads---

'Single Men--Are you lucky?'--and 'bother'---both of them are rather lengthy threads--but I believe you will find the answer to why he did what he did. If you are still a little confuse after reading those two--then repost this question again here---I am sure a dozen or more people who have been there--done that--can give you a solid answer!

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Originally posted by OhioCouple

Thump29, I went ahead and merged your new thread with this one as it all applies to the same situation.

Unforyunetley the guy did meet us at home and he has our phone number and i confronted him and he still didnt care about removing the condom and cumming inside of me and he didnt act like he cared about the injury he acted like it was my fault instead of his. He does want to get together again and he wants to still view our webcam. I told him that I was upset and he didnt act like he cares and he used such force that I worry about him coming to my home or harassing me by phone. I never had this happen before so I am unsure about how to handle this situation.

If I were you I wouldn't worry about what he thinks. He OBVIOUSLY doesn't think sanely or respectfully. As much as you may want to know the answers, do you think that you could believe anything he says at this point? He has already proven himself to be untrustworthy.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd send the guy a good piece of my mind, via e-mail and then block him from ever sending you anything else again.

 

I don't think I noticed before, but did this guy meet you in your home or does he have your phone number? If that is the case, then disregard my above, and just politely tell him that you have no further interest in seeing him again and THEN block or ignore all future e-mails from him.

 

To be honest though, just based on his behavior, he got what he wanted in the way he wanted it and probably has no desire to be back with ya'll in the future anyway. I despise people like that, and there are plenty of them out there.

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He doesnt care what he did wrong or that he injured me and I am appalled. He does know where we live and telephone numbers so somehow I have to deal with this. He wont get a second chance. He does want to hookup again and i am going to let him no why it is possible but something tells me he doesnt care. I have never had this happen before and not only does it scare me but it makes me mad also. I was completely honest with him about everything so I dont know what his problem is. No matter what you dont do what he did. I told him about the condoms ahead of time and he didnt listen to me. I am kinda scared about swinging again but i am not going to let him stop me becasue we love this lifestyle. The forcefuless he used was uncalled for. My husband didnt see it or all hell would have broke loose and then there would be all kind of problems. He lied to me about himself and everything. I thought we knew him or we wouldnt have choosen him to swing with. Needless to say our first time back was a nightmare. I keep trying to find fault in something i done but i cant find anything wrong in my department. He has been im me so i have not been online when i know he will be on but i cant avoid him forever. I did tell him about the injury and he acted like he didnt care. Well u are not supposed to use such force that the other party gets injured but he did. I worry about the next experience with a couple if i have anything to worry about. I have ruled out a single male from now on. I am just glad we had prior experience before this or I would have quit but I know that not everybody is this way. I guess some of the blame should go on me because i am the one who chose to add a single male.

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Thump, I am getting a little confused. You didn't mention in your previous posts that you were physically hurt in any way. That only thing that you mentioned was that he removed the condom. Do you mean injured emotionally? :confused:

 

I am also a little confused about where your husband was during all of this. I know mine would have been right by my side through the course of any encounter.

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Originally posted by Roxysbayou

Thump, I am getting a little confused. You didn't mention in your previous posts that you were physically hurt in any way. That only thing that you mentioned was that he removed the condom. Do you mean injured emotionally? :confused:

 

I am also a little confused about where your husband was during all of this. I know mine would have been right by my side through the course of any encounter.

 

Roxy--I am in total agreement with you here. To telll you the truth thump--I am kind of stump. I am having the same questions Roxy is having---could u please explain????

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He was really agressive when we were together, there was an injury involved. He was fine while my husband was with us but there were a few times that my husband actually left the room while we were together. Hubby did see him getting rough and told him that he needed to back off or we were through. I didnt realize that there was a physical injury until it was all over with. I think I responded to one post and told the person about the injury, I am kinda embarrassed about it. Physically and emotionally it will heal but it is still hard to believe. I did confront the guy and he told me that it was my fault for the injury not his. I explained to him that he was in the wrong and I also told him about him removing the condom and of course he didnt care about it one bit. The reason I didnt tell about everybody about the injury in the beginning is because he is from the sls and I know he could view this at any time not that he has mind you. Its a good thing hubby didnt see everything or there would have been trouble and who needs that. I have learned from this experience and hopefully it will never happen again. I hope this clears things up a little if u have any more questions i will be happy to answer them for you.

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Thump, how is your husband taking this? I know that I felt incredibly guilty for a long time after our little encounter. I kept running it over and over in my mind and almost drove myself crazy (short trip!) trying to figure out what I should have done differently. Don't forget his feelings in this too.

 

-B

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My husband is really upset over this. We both feel like that somehow this could have been prevented but we were really careful, it just goes to show u that u can never be to careful. I realize this is a risk u take in this lifestyle but people like this guy has no place in swinging. I think this guy was just looking to get off and he said what he thought we wanted to hear. I am going to try to be extra careful next time when selecting somebody to join us but there is no guarantee that the person will be as honest as you are. I was hoping this would have been a great experience but it didnt turn out that way so we are dealing with this emotionally and me physically. Its a good thing that my husband was out of the room or he would have ended up in jail and that would make matters worse.

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Well, I have learned a lesson here, and I will be more careful about where my husband is when I am to be left alone with a strange guy.

 

If I were you I would leave an advisory to future couples on his profile on SLS. You can do that on the "certifiy this member" portion of his profile. I sure wouldn't want to run into him.

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"Its a good thing that my husband was out of the room or he would have ended up in jail and that would make matters worse."

 

I seriously doubt the guy would press an assault charge when you could have easily charged him with rape. I'm with hubby the guy needs a good ass whoopin.

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Thump, I am so very sorry that his happened to you. I can only imagine what you are going through.

 

This thing happened TO YOU. You are not the thing that happened. This louse does not deserve even an ounce of either your guilty feelings or a second thought.

 

Please, Jump, you need to get off of trying to share guilt in this. It serves not purpose, but, it does lessen the foul crime that he committed.

 

I would also like to suggest that you let your husband in on things earlier. If the guy needed a stronger hand, he certainly earned it.

 

If you fear that your husband is potentially too violent in such situations, then, this is a subject for discussion before considering swinging again. You must never again be without your backup- your husband. He must not ever leave your side again, if you ever swing again.

 

I would so love to be able to convince you that not all men are like this. I will be totally honest, though. Having found one that is this way is proof that they do exist. Why take another chance.

 

Your husband must help you avoid the risk in the future.

 

A note to your husband, if he reads these: You are not guilty either. How could you know? But, now that you know that this can happen, then please, stay with her. Give her your love, encouragement, and smile with her at her pleasures. Most of all, protect her!

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SLS also has a forum page..They also have the chat room...I would let as many people know as possible that this guy is a loser. ...Also let the web master know. He may not want this guy on his site. I think you should let him come over one more time just so you can kick his ass....Just kidding

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Thump---firest--let me also extend to you my dismay of this situation you have presented to us here. In the perfect swinging world, this would never have happen---but we do not live in a perfect world.

I hope this experience is one you will be able to close the books on--and with the lessons that you have learned--be better situated with your next experience.

 

One thing that does concern me though---is how you will perceive single males in the lifestyle. I will grant you the fact taht single males have not exactly portry themselves to be the most angelic individuals with this lifestyle. I do agree the majority of them are rude, conceited, pushy, arrogant. This is a single man writing this--and I think it is pretty bad that a guy who is in the same class have to be taht critical of his classmates.

 

But I also feel a purpose to be a defender here. There are some genuine guys out there thump. I believe myself to be one of them. I know I would never in any way, shape or form do anything even near this repulsive, or anything that is out of line with the desires of my mate(s). From what I read in there postings--eternal, Flori_daman, perseus, ATAK and a few other single men on this board sound pretty genuine also. From what I read of thier posting--they also would be privalidge to have the opportunity to swing.

 

What I am saying ---Please don't let this one inhumane fellow--sacrifice--guys like us in the lifestyle.

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Originally posted by thump29

SNIP How do I let this person know how I feel and how do I explain it to him that he messed up and that he wont be getting a second chance. If anybody out there can help me I would be so grateful. I am very confused and I dont know what happened because we had met and talked so much that i didnt think this would happen.

I wouldn't give him the time of day. Your trust was abused. Cross him off, give him the heave-ho, make him walk the plank, etc. He deserves no explanation.

Then take your time. Establish contact with someone else. Play softly and work back into the hard stuff.

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I posted a thread a couple days ago about a bad experience we had our first time back into this lifestyle. My question is it is ok to expect some answers for the things that he done or should i just let it go. I am confused and I dont know why he did what he did but I would like some answers from him. I am trying really hard to get over this but I just cant figure out what changed him or why did he put up an act after we were so honest.

 

What he did was play you- simple and sweet and cruel. It is not the deer’s fault that the wolf hunts it. He is a predator and I do not feel he is a true swinger; otherwise he would have respected the rules. He is a greedy selfish predator who is using this safe haven to hunt his prey. In that process he is making it impossible for the sincere single men in this lifestyle to have a chance at playing. Trust me I know...been there dealt with that ( not the condom issue, but the you are a free prostitute attitude) ( and I am aware ther ARE some great single men out there)

 

How does this all reflect on you...well darling. You live. You learn...CHOOSE not to be a victim. Be a victor. Adopt the attitude...don't fuck with me, unless I ask you to (wink ). You can simply send him an e-mail. "You did not respect our boundaries we are no longer interested. Please do not contact us by any means electronic or by phone or mail from now on.", then put him on iggy. And never give out your home number again, until after you have a relationship with another couple...or single or whatever...go to the clubs to meet.

 

If he should contact you repeatedly( Ie after he has been warned… guess what...Criminal trespass, and if by phone it becomes harassment by phone...a federal offence, not a misdemeanor .)

 

You do have recourse. Report him to the SLS people. Deprive him of his happy hunting ground. Believe me they do not want him on their site.

 

Please be proactive for yourself. You are assuming a victim attitude and you will remain in that pain forever if you choose to live in the one bad moment and ask “Why?” all the time.

 

Why?

 

Because he is who he is...wolf, sheep’s clothing.

 

Not because of who you are. I f you expect validation from him that what he did is wrong... keep dreaming. He will never see it that way and expecting him to say he is sorry is not reality. It also gives him power over you. You are making him your god (little g) and looking for absolution. Ask yourself for what?!?- Absolution for being a beautiful, desirable, and honest person who is up front about their boundaries? Gee ...sound like something you need forgiven for? !? I think not.

 

What I do not understand is why single guys don't police their own. If you ostracized men like this from the community. Actively formed a panel for review ... perhaps your image would not be tarnished and more of you would get invited to play more often.

 

I know I would have loved to have found a single male for us to play with that was honest and fun. He could have had a great time...many times over. But alas lying wolves like this one have turned me on the idea also. I just cannot trust the community of single men in the lifestyle, because of what they have done.

 

If I ever do find a single male that is fun and honest you bet I will start a thread called " Lets hear it for the boy” or " single sweeties" or something to the like to advertise the nice ones(and hopefully get them more playing time!) But if he is really good maybe I will just keep it quiet and try to find him a girlfriend...lol. Till then I think the suggestion about using the verification process on SLS is an excellent idea. If only a “ we wouldn’t invite him back” line.

 

Finally, I personally would love to know who the creep is that broke the negotiated and agreed upon covenant with you ... It would be my pleasure to introduce him to the legal implications of his conduct.

 

~Cat of Bodyscape02

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I see no need to tell him anything, or for him to ever hear from you again.

 

I see every reason why your husband's fist should have had a few words with this guys face before he left tho.

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