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  1. #1
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    Default Confused: He played After we said we wouldn't

    ok here it is, Hubby and I have been swinging on and off for for a cpl of years. Normally it mfm, occasionally its been with a cpl. My hubby met a cpl on a different website and we agreed to meet for dinner etc, just to get to know them better or so I thought. I told him before we EVER left that this was just a chance to meet and get a feel for them that I had absolutely no intention of playing that night and left it with that. We met them and invited them back to watch a movie. I ONCE AGAIN informed him I was not interested in playing that night. I had been released the day before from the hospital from complications w/my diabetes and I had a very swollen neck and could hardly eat.
    Anyhow back to the story. My husband said it was just an excuse not to play and that I always said that I wanted to get to know them better before playing(ok so I am NOT looking for a one night stand etc) and that if something didn't happen that night it wouldn't happed. We got to the house and hung out for awhile. I went down to put a load in the dryer to return upstairs to find him fondeling her breast. I was angry to say the least. I used the excuse that I wasn't feeling well and went to my room. I know he could tell I was peeved but I didn't want to seem rude and like a real witch to the cpl. He then asked me if it was ok if He played without me. I just looked at him and said fine do what you want and proceeded to my room and began to throw things out our room like I was cleaning but I KNOW he knew I was angry. Truthfully I was more hurt than angry. I wouldn't speak to him the rest of the night and I gave him the cold shoulder. He kept bugging me and I finally told him that I felt he had crossed a major boundry with me and that I felt betrayed. He tried to twist it to be my fault saying well you should have spoke up etc.

    I now am not exactly comfortable with playing at all. Am I right to feel like I do or should I have opened my mouth and said something. I mean I did tell him more than once this was not to be a play date?

    Any opinions out there, Male or Female alike I just want to hear what people think.

  2. #2
    Rebel without a Cause :P Bama0468's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confused

    Based on what you said, the fact that you had told him already that nothing was going to happen and all, I would say you are somewhat justified in your feelings. I do however, think you should have told him that it was not alright for him to play. Reason being you were already not feeling well, you were not in the mood due to Comfort level and diabetes.

    the only way swinging works is if both are in agreement and communicating. Undercutting a spouse just makes things ruff in the marriage.

    I think all of us at one point or another may have given a " do what you want " type answer at one point or another, it just causes strife that we have to talk through and sometimes its ruff.
    I don't speak or write proper english however, I do use fluent American Ease to its foremost!

  3. #3
    Has Left the Building iapr's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confused

    It is never a question of whether you are "right" to feel how you do. You feel how you feel and that is not a right or wrong issue.

    This really isn't about playing or not playing either but rather that you are hurt and betrayed by your husbands lack of sensitivity and respect towards your feelings.

    For whatever reason he is just not "getting it" at the moment.

    The question I have, is this a one time isolated incident or does he have a history of disrarding your wishes and feelings? Does he have a history of disregarding your wishes in other areas of your relationship besides just lifestyle related issues?

    If this is a one time aberency there may be a reason behind it and you may be able to determine that reason and work through it.

    If this is just part of a historical pattern then you have some issues and some problems to work out. If he is a selfish boar as part of his character then being in the lifetyle will just be more nails to the coffin of your relationship.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Confused

    I do realize now I should have just said "Can I speak to you in another room please?" and told him how I felt. If nothing else we could have used my just getting out of the hospital as an excuse. He did try and get me to join but I just wasn't attracted to him or her. I have jumped into playing in the past but not on a regular basis. I want to be friends with them also. Needless to say we have not heard from them again.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Confused

    He can be a bit bullheaded and stubborn at times but this was the first time he actually made me feel betrayed. He says that its not fair to him to only want to be in a mfm, and I would be willing to bring another female in if I could find one I clicked with. Part of the problem I think is that I go through phases where I am interested and phases where I am not, where he is interested all the time. I used to be jealous all the time in the begining but I was very young at the time. I am 35 and we have been together since I was 20. I have learned that he always comes home to me. We had set certain rules in the past(no kissing that sort of thing). I know I have some issues my self, body image that sort of thing but I know he thinks I am beautiful no matter what. I just can't figuer out what spurred this on. It never happened in the past nor has it happened since

  6. #6
    Here to Stay tangyspecial's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confused

    I would also like to know if this is a recurring theme with him. If you told him repeatedly that it wouldn't be a play date, then he should have respected your wishes. Was he drinking that night? Has he explained why he thought that was a good way to go about things?

  7. #7
    Here to Stay tangyspecial's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confused

    You answered my questions while I was posting them. I hate when that happens. hehe

    If his reasoning behind his behavior was that he wants some action with another female and hasn't been able to get that in the years that you have been swinging, I can almost understand it. I think he went about expressing it in a bad way if he hasn't previously mentioned it being a problem for him. If it is something that is important to him, you guys need to talk about a solution. Maybe your lack of self-esteem is making it hard for you to want to introduce another female. That isn't really fair to your husband if he wants another female to interact with. What are your fears about introducing other women? Are you being realistic with those fears?
    Last edited by tangyspecial; 04-28-2008 at 10:57 AM. Reason: grammar

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Confused

    Everything I hear you say tells me that there are much bigger issues in the relationship than lifestyle issues and that it should not be part of your relationship at this point. Y'all have some real stuff to work thru that would require a significant break from swinging before going back into it. I don't think it is just his fault but the marriage is in trouble or relationship and most of the swingers I have chatted with that continue swinging with these kind of communication issues and relational issues will use swinging more as a means of finding replacements than fun. Get out now or forever hold your peace.

  9. #9
    Being good is overrated sweet_tna's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confused

    Cur_cpl, here's my $0.02. On the night originally in question, I do believe you have reason to feel hurt/upset with your hubby for pushing the boundaries. He fondled the woman and asked to play alone after you had made it abundantly clear that this was NOT to be a play date.

    BUT communication is absolutely essential in this lifestyle, and for you to give "typical" female answer of "do what you want" when you clearly did NOT want him to do this is counterproductive. All it did was confuse him, make you angrier, and turn away a couple you had begun to hit it off with.

    That said, it sounds like this lack of communication is an underlying theme here. He seems to want (and we only have your side of this story) to enjoy playing with other women, which is understandable. You seem to be comfortable with MFM, but your comfort level about bringing other women into the picture isn't fully there. Both are relatively "normal" reactions/feelings. But you two need to talk it out.

    We all (most of us, anyway) have self-conciousness/body image issues from time to time. And I know first hand that having your hubby tell you you're beautiful doesn't always carry much weight because "he's my husband, he's supposed to say that." But if you really want to persue this lifestyle, then you're gonna' have to get past that, to a point. Find some outfits that make you feel sexy, and go to a club (even a vanilla one will do). If you can't see other guys checking you out, then let your hubby point 'em out to you. Knowing other people find you attractive is a huge ego boost. And in time, hopefully you'll start to believe it yourself.

    Please continue to share your feelings with your husband, and try to find boundaries that you can both be comfortable with with.

    Best of luck to ya'll,

    =)
    I'd rather go to hell for doing something I enjoyed than heaven wondering what it's like.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Confused

    Why do we as women (and I do believe men do it but not as much) do this to ourselves? Why can't we just come out and say what is on our mind. We feel like we've already given them the answer but then they come back and ask the question again (like a damn kid) and we respond with "Whatever!" or its equivalent. Again expecting that they will "get the hint" and they typically don't.

    The biggest thing in communication that we all need to learn is to say what's on our mind and not expect other people to read our mind.

    In your case, you had already told him (more than once from what I read) that there would be no playing that night and that you were not comfortable with the situation. Yet, he pushed the limits until you caved.

    One thing you didn't say for sure, did he end up playing without you, or did he take the hint from your actions and put a stop to things and come talk to you? I think that would say more than anything else.
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  11. #11
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    Default Re: Confused

    overall we have a good marriage and we have had a female involved in the past that I was very attracted to because we had become friends in the process. Its not so much that I have fears(IE he would enjoy her more etc) just that from time to time I feel not so much pressured but that I have other pressing issues going on. We have 3 kids with major disorders(2 are dev delayed/autism and one with psych disorders a whole other story in itself) We have pictures posted of me on other websites and have gotten favorible responces to them. He had approached the subject of swinging over the years and I had always been against it. Then the first time it happened I actually had set it up but it was a friend we had known for yrs(I had known him for aprox 10 yrs) and my thoughts were: He had seen me at my best(90 lbs) and at my worst (150 lbs I had given birth to my last child 3 mo before) and he was still attracted to me. when we became active in the lifestyle, we set down and discussed what was ok and what was not. I was the one that decided and said that I was ready to make that leap. We have been with other cpls and had participated in soft swinging before. It was actually set up for me because I do have bicurious tendencies. I had no fear of him being attracted to her even though he did interact with her and she was beautiful and much smaller than me. I have no real issues bringing in another female though we do live in a pretty small town overall(less than 50 thousand) so finding someone is kinda hard. We have branched out to bigger cities. As a matter of fact we are meeting a cpl this weekend just to meet(he has already promised me that is just a meet, no playing) I am thinking that he is treading lightly now. Normally I have the final say so I am guessing this is one of those rare occasions. He was not drinking that night(he doesn't drink at all) and I have always been sober when we have been with people other than maybe having a cocktail earlier on. I think maybe he wants to do the choosing for awhile though he hasn't specified that. He was a swinger before we met with his ex-wife so he has experience but their relationship was alot more open. I have to wonder if it was just one of those things where I didn't agree because of how miserible I was from being in the hospital because I was so sore(I couldn't eat because there was a knot in my throat.) Yes I felt betrayed, but I am realizing that this was just as much my fault. I shouldn't have copped the whole "fine do what you want" attitude because I am now sure I gave him mixed signals but if he hadn't began without me and asked me first it might have been different. Normally we discuss this sort of thing first before we make that step. I also know pretty quick if I want to take that step with someone/couple. They were very nice and all but it just wasn't there for me. I know he doesn't have real issues with it being just mfm because there has been plenty of instances where we have began together and he has stepped back and acted as a voyuer because he does enjoy to watch me. He has just made the request we look for more cpls. Just like we have discussed if we had found a cpl/single male/female that we became close to and he was out of town for some reason and I called him and told him"hey so and so is coming over is okay if we play" he would be okay with this. However I have been approached by several guys who have asked me if I played seperate I have always told them no I only do this if my husband is present.

    To give you an example I know that he is very attracted to one of my best friends(he is not the only one) but I know she isn't interested in him though we have joked about it etc. I am pretty sure she is interested in me, She has suggested on several occasions that I go to the local strip club with her that sort of thing. She is the opposit of me but I am pretty sure if anything ever happened I would be okay with it and not be jealous etc.

    I have tried to find a female to bring in the past with no real luck though. Its not a real trust issue here such as he would leave me if he found someone he found more attractive or anything like that. I KNOW thats not the case for sure. I guess it may be a case of not giving and taking and maybe I sound selfish but thats not really the case at all. We have never had an experience where I felt bad afterwards other than this.

    I know that it may/probably be a self esteem issue on my part. I mean this couple we are meeting this weekend the female is very slim and quite pretty. I innitially vetoed this and I told him hey she may be too attractive(more in a joking sort of way) but he reminded me that in all of our profiles on swinging sites it is my pictures on the profile not his and they responded based on my pictures etc. I know I hate to feel pressured by any situation no matter what it is wether its meeting and playing. He has initiated the playing in the past and I had no problem with it so maybe it was my mental state that night in particular. I don't mean to portray him as an insensitive clod. The reaction from him also maybe because he had asked me earlier what I was so mad at,I wouldn't tell him, the whole "well you should know whats wrong" attitude that females sometimes have. However when we discussed it that night and it was quite late and he was probably cranky overall. I think he may have taken the defensive stance instead of actually listening to what I have to say. I was quite emotional(crying etc) while trying to discuss it which I should have been calmer but I was hurt and angry over his actions.

    I have learned a lesson in all of this and that I HAVE to be more assertive in situations I don't feel comfortable with. This I now know.

    I know that my posts have been quite long and dragged out but there is so much I want to say and get out and off my chest and this seems to be the only forum I can come to for info/assistance in my situation.

  12. #12
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    Default Re: Confused

    Quote Originally Posted by JustAskJulie View Post
    Why do we as women (and I do believe men do it but not as much) do this to ourselves? Why can't we just come out and say what is on our mind. We feel like we've already given them the answer but then they come back and ask the question again (like a damn kid) and we respond with "Whatever!" or its equivalent. Again expecting that they will "get the hint" and they typically don't.

    The biggest thing in communication that we all need to learn is to say what's on our mind and not expect other people to read our mind.

    In your case, you had already told him (more than once from what I read) that there would be no playing that night and that you were not comfortable with the situation. Yet, he pushed the limits until you caved.

    One thing you didn't say for sure, did he end up playing without you, or did he take the hint from your actions and put a stop to things and come talk to you? I think that would say more than anything else.

    He did continue on and have sex with her in our living room, I think this is what made me soo angry with him to be honest. I felt(mistakenly) that he should have gotten the hint. And my bad, I did tell him I was okay with this because I was trying to avoid an akward situation. I should have spoken up and told him I don't think this is a good idea tonight. We had discussed it earlier and he made the accusation that I always used the excuse well I would like to get to know them better and never follow through with it. That isn't the case because I had been with cpls that I didn't get to know real well first. He always has made the claim that we weren't looking for notches on our bedpost but that we were looking for someone/persons that we could go out with and if it leads to something then great if not no big deal. But sometimes that is not how it feels to me.

    We have had some issues quite a long time ago before he had brought it up to me where he had been looking for others. I know this because I was setting up a profile and did a search for people near us and I found a profile from him. I know this was during a difficult time but I was upfront/confronted him about this. I do feel that by us swinging that it has brought us alot closer and we are not newbies at this. We have been in the lifestyle for a cpl of years now and this was quite a long time ago. I know that this probably is giving red light signals to some but I am pretty sure this was during a time where I was seriously depressed and closed off to him.

    I do enjoy the times we are with others and I enjoy pleasing him and be pleased from him being happy. This does not mean that I give in to situations just to make him happy because that is not the case. Normally I communicate to him how I feel because I have learned I HAVE to because otherwise there are too many mixed signals going around.

    We had actually taken a break from swinging for quite awhile and he seemed like he was okay with this. No pressure or anything like that. I had just not been into the situation or hadn't found anyone male or female that caught my interest. If I had I would have said something to him. He has even looked for men for me recently so he seems like he is okay with me not finding a female to participate. I am just not sure what brought this situation on is all.

  13. #13
    Being good is overrated sweet_tna's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confused

    Quote Originally Posted by cur_cpl_n_chey View Post
    He did continue on and have sex with her in our living room, I think this is what made me soo angry with him to be honest. I felt(mistakenly) that he should have gotten the hint. And my bad, I did tell him I was okay with this because I was trying to avoid an akward situation. I should have spoken up and told him I don't think this is a good idea tonight. We had discussed it earlier and he made the accusation that I always used the excuse well I would like to get to know them better and never follow through with it. That isn't the case because I had been with cpls that I didn't get to know real well first. He always has made the claim that we weren't looking for notches on our bedpost but that we were looking for someone/persons that we could go out with and if it leads to something then great if not no big deal. But sometimes that is not how it feels to me.

    We have had some issues quite a long time ago before he had brought it up to me where he had been looking for others. I know this because I was setting up a profile and did a search for people near us and I found a profile from him. I know this was during a difficult time but I was upfront/confronted him about this. I do feel that by us swinging that it has brought us alot closer and we are not newbies at this. We have been in the lifestyle for a cpl of years now and this was quite a long time ago. I know that this probably is giving red light signals to some but I am pretty sure this was during a time where I was seriously depressed and closed off to him.

    I do enjoy the times we are with others and I enjoy pleasing him and be pleased from him being happy. This does not mean that I give in to situations just to make him happy because that is not the case. Normally I communicate to him how I feel because I have learned I HAVE to because otherwise there are too many mixed signals going around.

    We had actually taken a break from swinging for quite awhile and he seemed like he was okay with this. No pressure or anything like that. I had just not been into the situation or hadn't found anyone male or female that caught my interest. If I had I would have said something to him. He has even looked for men for me recently so he seems like he is okay with me not finding a female to participate. I am just not sure what brought this situation on is all.
    I'm glad you clarified some things here. It's good to know you have been communicating all along, and do realize you NEED to speak up if you're ever unhappy/uncomfortable with what's going on. It's rare for me to pull the "Fine, whatever" nonsense with Mr. Sweet these days, because I've realized it doesn't get us anywhere.

    As for what brought this situation on, it sounds like (again, going on your perspective only here) that your hubby was anxious to get back in the game, found himself attracted to this woman, and just wasn't THINKING about how you might be feeling (still recovering, not in the mood for play). He may well have interpreted your willingness to go on the date at all, despite your telling him otherwise, was a sign that you might still be open to play, depending on how things go. Men can be (sorry guys, for the generalization here) can be kinda' stupid that way. Sometimes they hear what they want to/think with their "other brains".

    Women get kinda' stupid (again, forgive the generalization) in that we tend to expect our men to read between the lines and know what we mean, whether we SAY it or not. Ergo, miscommunication and misunderstandings occur.

    Hopefully, now that you've learned your lesson and have had some time to recover, things will go smoother with this next date. Just be sure to SAY what you MEAN--several times, if necessary, to make sure he understands you.

    Best of luck to ya'll, and let us know how it goes.

    =)
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  14. #14
    Mod Squad Member good times's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confused

    Quote Originally Posted by cur_cpl_n_chey View Post
    I just looked at him and said fine do what you want.
    Quote Originally Posted by cur_cpl_n_chey View Post
    He did continue on and have sex with her in our living room, I think this is what made me soo angry with him to be honest.
    Been there done that.

    Ok, for the record, when a woman says "go ahead" or "fine do what you want" or "whatever", that means "yes, go for it" to a man. We really do believe what women say, most of the time.
    R (He is R, she is P)

  15. #15
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    Default Re: Confused

    Exactly. More times than not, we men hear what we want to hear .... so ladies, say what you really mean.

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