Should I tell my husband that I crossed a boundary?

[WildFlower]

I have a situation I need advice on. If I had it to do over again I would do differently. We have been seeing another couple for nine months now and we are friendly comfortable with each other. Drop by and visit each other frequently. My spouse and the couple work day shift I work second. Well the male half of the couple stopped by the other morging to see how I was doing because he was out running errands and his hours are flexible. I had been down in the dumps a little and he stopped by to say hi and make sure I was doing good. Well I was still half asleep and he mentioned he would like to cuddle and I said sure. We do this sort of behavior when we are all together. Well he kissed me and started rubbing on me and we got carried away and had sex.
My husband has let me have sex before when he was not there but I always asked him beforehand for permission. I did not plan on this happening. I was going to tell him that it did happen but the male half wants me to keep it secret because he doesn't want his wife to be upset or my husband. I think my husband would be upset but I think he might understand. The male apologized for his behavior and I apologized for mine. Nothing like this will happen again.
I want to tell my husband but am afraid he will be upset. Is it better to telll him or let it go and make sure never to put myself in such a situation again????????

[Brit_Pair]

IMHO, I’d say that how this incident is judged depends largely (entirely?) upon how your friend’s motives for visiting you that morning are interpreted.

If it truly was an innocent “stopped by just to see how you are” visit that got out of hand, then you and this man can console yourselves with the thought that you’ve given into unforeseen lust. How big a deal this is would depend on the reactions of your respective spouses if they were to be told. Given the closeness that seems to exist between the four of you, it might not create much of a stir at all.

However, the cynic in me can’t help but wonder how innocent this other man’s intentions were. He drops by at a time when he knows both of your partners are committed at work. He tells you he wants to cuddle (something you normally do only when together as a foursome), and then helps to make things go further. I wouldn’t absolve you of your part in this (after all, it really does take two to tango), but my instincts say that you’ve been led astray by this man. I’d present the fact that he wants to keep this incident secret from his wife and your husband as evidence for that belief.

But whichever way you interpret this man’s intentions, the whole incident smacks of betrayal. You’ve both betrayed the established pattern of behaviour between the four of you, and possibly betrayed your relationship with your partners as well (I say ‘possibly’ because, after all, they could both turn around and say, “Hey! What a great idea!”) And if my assessment of this man is correct, he has betrayed the other three of you. His betrayal is worse, because it was calculated. You reacted to a situation. He instigated the situation in the first place.

What to do now? Well, if you say nothing, then surely you are saying that you believe what you did was wrong. Why else keep it a secret? Why else say that you’d do things differently next time?

Your instinct is to be honest with your husband, that, even though he might be upset, he would probably understand. So why not follow that instinct? Be honest with him now. The other man says he wants to keep it a secret. What if he changes his mind, and tells his wife? Do you want your husband to learn about this from you, or from her? Give the other man fair warning of your intention to be honest, but tell your husband. If I were him, I’d want to know the truth about a man who felt he could “pop round” to borrow my wife any time he felt like it.

It's a horrible situation, because it might bring to an end a relationship that's worked well for nine months. But your relationship with your husband is surely priority one. Make that your vanguard.

I accept that I may be doing this other man a disservice. But I don’t think so.

Offered for what it is worth. I hope that, whatever you decide to do, things work out for you.

[DragonsLair]

I have to agree with what Brit_Pair said. It sounds to me as if he knew what he wanted when he came over to see you. And I also agree that you bear some of the blame for the situation. But I would tell your husband about it. Secrets have a way of festering inside and coming out at the wrong times. More harm will come from not being honest with each other.

As far as telling the other man's wife, I don't know what to do about that. If he's done this with you, I'd bet he's done this with others before. Telling her is something you both need to talk about before acting.

Good luck. I hope all works out well. It sounds like you've found a good friendship with this other couple. Hopefully you can all ride out any rough water that might come from this incident.

DragonsLair

He is T. I am A.

[alabamafuntonig]

ill be short and sweet about this

do tell him

choices made with haphazaed thought always bear bad outcomes! to clarify you did the deed fess up!. I cuddle with my wife! its a sign of intimate closeness! a beckon call to the more natural bonding between husband and wife ,forplay for love. sex is what was on his mind the boundry was crossed and now deception is setting in! its bad enough you had sex but dont lie! its better to feel pain for now than to suffer till the end of time ...
but of course some are better at getting away from there concience than others are! and if closeness and truth in a relationship do not matter than keep it to yourself!

[Chicup]

First off, this guy knew what he wanted when he came in, it didn't just happen.

The real question is how you think your husband will react. I know if my wife did such a thing without my permission I'd view it little better then cheating and at the very least our relationship with the other couple would end.

Good chance you are in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.

[Nymph an' Satyr]

Tell your husband. If you tell him, it's an indiscretion that you are sorry that happened. A boundry that was crossed that you won't cross again. If that happened to me, I would be pissed, but it would NOT threaten our relationship.

If you don't tell him, it's infidelity. If that happened to me I would be LIVID- and it WOULD threaten our relationship.

At least that's how I look at it.

Swinging is a shared activity- if you don't tell him, you are not sharing. You are having a private relationship.

What does this do to the trust between you and your husband? I personally think trust is more important in a relationship than love.

The comfortable 4-some may be forever gone. Maybe not. But for heavens sake don't fuck up your marriage. Brit_Pair is right- go with your honesty instinct.

Good luck.

[BradAndJanet]

Originally posted by Nymph an' Satyr
Tell your husband. If you tell him, it's an indiscretion that you are sorry that happened. A boundry that was crossed that you won't cross again. If that happened to me, I would be pissed, but it would NOT threaten our relationship.

If you don't tell him, it's infidelity. If that happened to me I would be LIVID- and it WOULD threaten our relationship. ...

I absolutely agree with Nymph an' Satyr here. As hard as it might be, you must tell him yourself. It will be much worse if you try to hide what happened from him and he finds out later. Indescretion is one thing, lying and deceiving is quite another.

I also agree with Chicup, Brit_Pair and others that he knew exactly what he wanted when he came over. Even cuddling with you alone crosses a big red line with me. That's treading into some dangerous emotional territory, and it's not a place that I would ever go.

-B

[Elusive BiFem]

I'm 99% with everyone that has posted on this thread, thus far. Brit_Pair did a fine job in summing up all aspects.

The remaining 1% is reserved for the honesty bit, but that is something you will need to decide based upon your relationship with your husband. I don't believe I would risk my entire relationship for this single indiscretion, but I would be darned certain it was never repeated.

And like others, I have serious questions about this guy's motives. You share culpability equally, but it's hard for me to understand why he would come by in the absence of your spouse and even suggest "cuddling."

Another thing I find troubling is the statement that "we got carried away." How does that happen between 2 adults? That is difficult for me to understand, but still, I do wish you the best of luck in this difficult situation. - EBF

[yawanna]

I agree with it all.... tell your husband ASAP that this man came over, asked to cuddle, you ended up having sex....that you don't feel okay about what you did and tell him why.

I hope it all works out but honesty between the two of you is preeminent.

[OhioCouple]

I have to agree with what everyone else says here.

Most importantly this portion by Brit_Pair

The other man says he wants to keep it a secret. What if he changes his mind, and tells his wife? Do you want your husband to learn about this from you, or from her?

I've seen this all too often in the general world. One or the other gets pangs of guilt, spills the beans to the significant other, who in turn is furious and confronts the other party. I've watched many relationships disolve over these sort of affairs. Speaking from experience, my first marriage disolved over the exact same thing. In my case tho, the woman continually kept coming on to my ex, in spite of his desire to end it. Didn't matter tho, he found a new one later. (Non-swinging days)

My suggestion is to be honest with your husband. This loss of control occured with a known swing partner, you are both guilty of it, but what is more important? Working through (hopefully) a short period of guilt, anger and humiliation for your actions, or risk losing your marriage for having hidden it?

While I agree with the others that his intentions leaned towards a plan to have sex, you also had the power to say no. In my eyes you are both equally guilty. I don't garner the belief that women are 'powerless' (for lack of better words) to say no in a non-threatening situation.

As the old adage says, "What a tangled web we weave...."

Good luck in what ever you decide.

[DevilzAdvokit]

The Devil says....

No matter how many ways you look at it and no matter how many benign modifiers you attempt to use to soft light your actions, YOU CHEATED ON YOUR HUSBAND!!!!! End of story. This is one of the many potential hazards of depersonalizing sex in order to be able to include others. Sex with others can begin to seem like it's not that big of a deal. It can become far to easy to rationalize,intellectualize, and justify crossing lines in the sand so to speak.Example: " My husband has let me have sex before when he was not there" I know I'm about to open myself up for attack with what I'm about to say but I just can't help myself on this one......

I have never understood how it could be considered swinging when you allow your spouse to play with others without you. I have always veiwed that particular practice to be more in the neighborhood of sanctioned cheating. If that is something two people agree on within their relationship then more power to them. But I do not see how anyone can logically and rationally think that when your spouse goes off and does their own thing with someone else that does not involve you in slightest how it has anything to do with furthering a sexual relationship between one another.

You are 100% responsible for what you did but Your husband may have blurred a line that was not to be crossed by allowing you to indulge in solo activities without him.He is not responsible for your actions in the slightest but he may have invited this situation to some degree by opening up Pandoras box to start with.

Too many people treat swinging too lightly. It does have the potential to directly bring about the demise of the very relationship they are attempting to broaden. It should be given the same caution that you would give a nuclear device. For it could become one of sorts if you are not carefull.

The Devil

[alabamafuntonig]

Well I was still half asleep and he mentioned he would like to cuddle and I said sure. We do this sort of behavior when we are all together. Well he kissed me and started rubbing on me and we got carried away and had sex.

i read and then posted then reread
and read
all the other posts...this particular statement sums up the ability to place blame on a situation and or events that lead to the relationships obvious breakdown in comunication!

"he kissed ME" "He was rubbing me" "iwas half asleep"

cop outs all cop outs , i agree with ebf...2 adults dont just make things happen!

and when does a person of 9 months play into effect when you are married..is marriage not your soul responsability, who cares if his wife finds out that is his demon dont let your husband find out the hard way trust me .......really trustme nothing good will come of it!

[Alura]

I would never try to hide anything from Mrs. Alura, simply because I know I've never been able to. She's the same way with me. Once she tried to keep a surprise birthday party from me. Someone slipped and said, "...when Ken comes over tonight..." Surprised, I ask, "Is Ken coming over tonight? I thought we were going out to dinner for my birthday." The look of guilt that crossed her face as she said, "No," made it clear that Ken WAS coming over and she knew it. The party would not be a surprise. She refers to that as the only time in our marriage she tried to lie to me.

I'd suggest telling the other man that you have no choice other than to tell your husband and then do it. You and your husband will then have to decide if y'all are willing to "live a lie" with these folks, unless the other guy is willing to come clean with his wife.

Maybe the four of you could agree for your husband and his wife to have sex alone to "even the score." I don't know if that would work to keep the friendship together, but you might consider it.

Mrs. Alura just read this and would like to add, "If he's not willing to tell his wife, you should stop playing with them. I would not suggest trying to "live the lie." It will not work."

Mr. Alura

[WildFlower]

I thank everyone for there advice.
I went adhead and went with my gut instinct which was to tell him. I am glad I did. I am not very good at keeping stuff from my husband he can see it in my eyes.
He did feel betrayed but was glad that I told him instead of keeping it a secret. He still loves me and I still love him. He is one of the most importatn people in my lives equalled only by my kids. I told him I never want to be with anyone again without him there. He said I could be with my girlfriend alone if I wanted but I don't want to do that either. I enjoy it more when we are all together.
I am going to tell the other man that I told my husband because I can't keep a secret from him ever. And what he decides to do is up to him.
I don't think he came over with the intention of having sex. But I could be wrong. The optimist in me always tries to see the good in people. The reason I think this is because wouldn;t he have tried something like this way before now?
I am glad I told the truth. I was scared but could not take the sick feelings of guilt and disgust for myself of letting my lust take over and keeping a secret from my hubby. I think everything will work out ok. Thank you again for your advice.

[Alura]

Way to go, Wildflower!

Mr. Alura