Other Couple trying to push us past our boundaries...

[hotcpl4unfla]

OK, I'll preface this with a little background. The wife and I have been "softswinging" (no swapping, same room sex only/women playing together) for about 3 months with another couple. The male half of this other cpl and I discussed our boundaries clearly before we began this relationship. (We were all good friends before starting). They were: no sex with the other's spouse, no touching of private areas by the men of the other women's bodies. The same applied to the women and the men. The women, of couse, had free reign of each other's bodies. My wife and I firmly agreed on this also. We figured we needed to start slow, so if all these rules seem excessive, keep in mind we (wife and I) didn't want to get "in over our heads". The problem is, the male of the other couple has become increasingly pushy as far as raising the stakes and pushing the boundaries. On one instance his wife even became upset with him when he spent too much time watching my wife in the throes of ecstasy. He also has suggested games that involve all of us getting naked and letting the hands fall where they may. My wife and I have told him we are not ready for that. He then becomes visibly upset, and tries to get pushy with us, at one point lying to me and telling me he spoke to my wife and she said it was OK, when she really hadn't. Being a male, I think I see where he is going. My gut tells me he wants to swap eventually, and is trying to push us in that direction. We aren't interested. We have had encounters with them since, and they have been pleasurable, and all boundaries have been kept. Am I overreacting? Or does anyone else see a potential problem here? I think what bothers me the most is the lie I caught him in. It almost is a breach of trust.

[DragonsLair]

I don't think it's "almost a breach of trust", I think it is a breach of trust. Your friend agreed to the rules when you all got involved. One person should not force the issue of advancing the relationship on the rest of the group. You all agreed how to proceed and it should be a group decision to advance to the next level. If one person is uncomfortable, everyone should step back and slow down. I think the idea of moving at the slowest persons speed works in this situation.

I would suggest talking to your friend in a neutral location. And not during a swinging encounter. Try to get him to see how uncomfortable you and your wife are. Be sure to let him know that if and when you decide to advance to a new level of swinging, you'll let him know. But at this point in time, you and your wife are happy keeping the status quo.

Good luck. I hope all works out for you. Let us know what happens.

DragonsLair

He is T. I am A.

[Roxysbayou]

Wow, I agree. This is a blatent breach of trust. I would tell him the way things need to be and if he can't accept that and respect you for it, then maybe you need to find someone else who will.

[Alura]

Originally posted by Roxysbayou
Wow, I agree. This is a blatent breach of trust. I would tell him the way things need to be and if he can't accept that and respect you for it, then maybe you need to find someone else who will.

Absolutely, Roxy. It's a serious breach.

Alura

this is an interesting question to me...there's a lot of talk about making rules before an encounter but i have a feeling that in the heat of the moment there's still a lot of grey area, even if rules are made beforehand.

I can really understand why someone would want to go farther than what was agreed upon. I mean, what guy hasnt at one time or another tried to get his date to go farther than she said she wanted to?...i think that if you've gotten together with them since and everything seems cool that there wouldnt be a problem...

on the other hand, the lying would definetely bother me. i cant stand people who lie to me for any reason. and if people cant understand that they're making my wife uncomfortable without a lengthy explanation, then im sure i'd avoid them...

[BradAndJanet]

I think you need to have a little talk with him, like DragonsLair says, and be firm. You have the right to feel comfortable, and if someone isn't respecting that, then maybe you should consider moving on.

I'm intrigued by one statement you made: "On one instance his wife even became upset with him when he spent too much time watching my wife in the throes of ecstasy." I assume from this that his wife has no desire to see him with another woman? Perhaps you can enlist her help in settling him down, especially if she's enjoying being with your wife.

Still, I wouldn't be too hopeful that he'll stop pushing. I wouldn't trust anyone who lied to me and he's obviously wanting something you all can't deliver.

-B

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by Seymore

I can really understand why someone would want to go farther than what was agreed upon. I mean, what guy hasnt at one time or another tried to get his date to go farther than she said she wanted to?...

First off I agree with Alura, DragonsLair and Roxy. This was a blatent breach of trust. And it is serious. IMHO. As everthing was cleary defined then anyone who stepped over those bounds is definitely someone I would not be associated with again. Mainstream friends or not.

Seymore, while I understand what you are trying to say and yes things do happen where rules get stretched and broken, but I would like to think that swingers have their teenage years behind them and do not play with the mentality of 'pushing the envelope' when the rules are clearly defined.

Hotcpl, perhaps your talk with him helped them to understand that you have no desire at this time to go any further than what you are both comfortable with. I do hope that is the case. If not, then my suggestion is to cut off all relations and move on to someone who respects your likes in this lifestyle.

Lori

[Handyman69]

John and I read this and . We agree with everyone here. Breach of trust...lying....means no good. We also think that sitting down with him and explaining your feelings is a good idea. But got to say..I would be watching and if things present themselves again then I would back out of this relationship. There are many couples as yourselves and know it is hard but you can find one that follows the rules that have been set up.

Swinging is based on trust and communication. Without them...changes things and then the swinging isn't fun any more.

My 2 cents,

Rhonda

[hotcpl4unfla]

Thank you all for your input. I definitely will have a talk with him about the issue. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't "overreacting", and that my cause for alarm was warranted. Thanks all!

[MIbbwcpl]

Call me an extremist, but I'd break it off- at least for a while. He's being pushy, and that is not fair to anyone. You all have made your position clear, and he seems to be thinking more w/ his dick than his brain and feelings are going to get hurt if something isn't done.

[Brit_Pair]

I don't think MIbbwcpl is being extreme, but calling a halt to your meetings - even temporarily - may not be necessary. You say you've had encounters since that have been pleasurable and have preserved your boundaries.

If this man is receptive when you talk to him about your concerns, then why give up a relationship that is otherwise satisfying your desires.

I'd certainly agree with everyone else though. This was a breach of your trust, and you're right to take steps to knock it on the head now.

[JustAskJulie]

You definately don't need your gut to tell you that this guy is pushing to take things further. What bothers me is that from the sounds of it not even his wife is ready for that but he is pushing anyway. If he has that little care for his wife's feelings then he would have even less for yours.

I agree with the "extremists", you may want to do more than just talk to him. It might be time to find new playmates.