My wife won't perform this sex act with me...but does it with playmates

[Knockedonmyass]

Please forgive me for not using my normal account, but I do not wish to emabarrass my S/O or worse..

How do I handle this one...

Over the years my wife and I have had an extremely satisfying sex life. We have tried almost everything, but there have been a couple of things she WILL NOT do, for one reason or another.

Always before we play with other couples, we "mutually" go over the ground rules so we all know what to expect.

A while ago, I was discussing with the male half about what acts my wife will not perform, and of course he said no problem.

Throughout the play, I notice my wife performing one of the acts she refuses to do with me. I think, okay she has gotten over her fear of it.

On the way home, I attempted to talk to her about it to see if she was okay and if she had enjoyed it. She immediately got defensive and did not wish to discuss it. Again, I think, okay.

A few evenings later, we are making love and I figured, hey what the hell, lets try this as it appears she will now perform this act. No way, no how, with all the excuses you can think of.

Okay, now I'm not thinking okay anymore, I'm now thinking what the f..., but I let it go.

I have tried upon a couple of occassions to talk about it with her and/or try it with no success, so I finally give up and let it go.

If we were not playing with another couple a few months later and she does it again. WTF!

First of all - what is the matter with doing ANYTHING with your husband that you will do with another?
Second of all - I feel like such a dickhead telling the Mr that my wife will not do this, then she does, not once but twice.

Now how am I to handle this without feelings getteing hurt?

[LikeMinds321]

You have been much more patient and understanding than I could be.

On the drive home, after the "act" first happened I would have brought the subject up as you did and if my spouse didn't want to talk about it at the time that would be okay with me. I know that I often have to think through things before I can discuss them so I would think that maybe your wife would be ready to talk in a day or two. But she didn't.

Something I'll add here, on that drive home, after she objected to talking, I would have said, "If you don't feel ready to talk about it now, I understand, but I do think we need to discuss what happened since this was something we agreed wouldn't be a part of play. I know surprises can occur during swinging and I think the important thing is for us to realize this is normal and we need to talk about them when they arise. Let's sleep on it and talk tomorrow."

Asking her to do with you what she did with her playmate was not wrong. If she didn't want to do it there could be a valid reason but I feel she owes it to you to explain herself, her actions with her playpartner, and her behavior towards you. My patience would be at the breaking point about now.

And then for her to do it again with a playmate, that's pushing too far. I'd be all out of patience!

You deserve to know what's going through her mind. She should be able to discuss this with you and if she doesn't feel she can I wonder, why?

Maybe you have some ideas on why she won't talk. Has this been a pattern in your relationship?

LM

[WildMiCouple]

Tough one here. I can appreciate your frustration with your wife. Although, it's never happened with us, I can still sympathize. Probably because there isn't much Tam and I haven't done with each other Perhaps if you could tell us why she won't do this particular act with you, it would give us more insight. Maybe.....just maybe, she thinks this act is a pretty degrading thing to do. And she hasn't wanted you to think of her in that degrading way. But in the midst of playing, she doesn't care what her playmate thinks. Sort of her being able to let her "slutty" side out. Keep in mind, I don't consider "slutty" to be a derrogatory term.....more of an affectionate one for me

Next time your enjoying each other, let her know how hot it was for you to have watched her perform for her playmate. See if she opens up and does the same for you. But I personally wouldn't get on her case about it just yet. She's obviously got some inner turmoil over it, so give her some more time to open up.

Brett

[good times]

We actually have a rule between us that we won't tell our spouses play partner what we will or won't do. The reason for this is that we are into this for the variety and to try new things, so by not saying before hand how we like it, we get an experience unmarred by preconceived ideas on the part of our play partners.

That being said, their are very few things we would do with someone else that we don't do with each other and have never had any problem discussing what we have done with each other. The things we haven't done with each other that we have done with play partners are things that one of us is just not in to, if we were both into it we would do it with each other I am sure, so this problem hasn't ever come up with us. So, in your case, the only problem I would have with it is that she won't discuss it with you, that would be a problem with me as well. Like Brett said above I think you will just have to give her time to come to terms with why she doesn't want to talk about it, but I would make sure she understands that at some point the discussion needs to take place.

[jon0468]

A few good points to add: I know there are some things my wife CAN'T do with me that she can do with others. Not to brag, but I am a little too big for her to be on top most of the time, unless she is very relaxed. Also, anal is usually not something she can handle unless she is very relaxed. Now, her boyfriend is just a little smaller than I am, so she is frequently on top of him. I cut her some slack, lol. Perhaps your wife just needs time to sort out why etc in her mind before she talks to you about it. Keep a calm open mind, and just communicate.


Hope this helps

J

[graygo98]

While I have absolutely no first hand experience with this sort of situation I can understand where your wife is coming from. I think WildMiCouple probably nailed it pretty well. She is in the middle of something really intense and exciting for her and that can make her act out in ways she won't be as likely to in more familiar circumstances. Doesn't mean she doesn't love you or enjoy having sex with you... just that play is different.

I remember a year or two ago someone on the Board was upset that his wife seemed to enjoy sex with a partner more than with him... more vocal, more passionate, more whatever. But is this so unexpected? Aren't we doing this for new experiences, that special first-time thrill of a new partner? It doesn't mean that he is a better lover than you, only that he is different in a sexy and culturally forbidden way.

Does she owe you an explanation? Absolutely not. While communication is the key to any successful relationship and a swinging one in particular that doesn't mean that your partner doesn't also enjoy a right to privacy, the privacy of her own thoughts. If she shares them with you, wonderful. If she does not want to in a particular instance, you have no right to demand she does and should respect her enough not to feel hurt if she declined to.

As to whether the other guy thinks you are a jerk for giving him a bum steer: he probably doesn't think about it at all and even if he does should you really care? I wouldn't. But, I would also never tell another guy (or girl) how to push my wife's buttons. That's her story to tell, not mine. I would feel a bit sneaky, in fact, doing so.

[Cpl2share]

As WildMi said. A little mor einformation is needed to actually give any good response. It could be amtter of size if it is simply a position, or taking anal. If she is letting him cum in her mouth it may be that something that you have done has turned her off to doing it for you. It may be that you have a bad taste (lots of coffee and cigs maybe?) It may be something that she considers demeaning to him, and does not want to demean you. If we were ever in this situation the play (with others) would come to a screeching halt until the situation was cleared up. refusing to discuss something is keeping a secret. If there are secrets in the relationship they need to be worked on before others are allowed into it. Just our opinion.

[iapr]

I am with likeminds on this one. While all this feel-good, lets communicate and be accepting attitude all sounds well and good I think I would be a little ticked if my partner had a pattern of doing things with play pals that she refuses to do with me and then refuses to even discuss it. That's a bunch of crap.

Since she has shown a pattern of it I think you are within your right to put her feet to fire a bit and at least give some form of straight story rationale. I would never refuse my partner something she wanted and then do it right in front of her with others on multiple occasions and then refuse to talk about it and I wouldn't accept that from her either.

This could easily be planting the seeds of jealousy and suspician that if left untreated could easily fester into something that can blow up in your faces big time down the road. I say address it now and do not let it go on any longer.

[spectraschain]

The reason for this is that we are into this for the variety and to try new things, so by not saying before hand how we like it, we get an experience unmarred by preconceived ideas on the part of our play partners.

We conur...

It really wouldn't matter to me or Spectra...

When things like that happen, and they do, we don't ask how dare you, we ask, how'd you like it?

In separate rooms we may talk & giggle about it later, maybe not. Puppy pile, well...we'd likely have google eyes & smiling...

Granted, after 23 years we're really comfortable with each other & our sex life...
We may try the new thing with each other, probably not. Our deal's pretty damn good as it is.

I think you & others here are really overreacting........

[LOL_OMG]

Really great insight from all above One thing I would mention is that since you have obviously been swingers for awhile...thus the anon, you should be pretty communicative already.

I would sit her down, tell her how that made you feel, talk about the possibility of taking a break from swinging...and tell her you will be there when she wants to talk.

In other words, be honest. It costs alot less up front than later on

Mrs

[subtoMistressT]

I would have to agree with LOL. Commo, commo, commo. Talk it all out. I would not feel so bad if the Ms. tries something new with someone. She should feel free to experiment and have fun just as I should. The key if for you guys to sit down and discuss.

[Coupleinidaho]

Originally Posted by spectraschain

I think you & others here are really overreacting........

I don't think they are overreacting at all...It's one thing to experience a sexual act with a play partner, that you haven't had with your spouse. That's to be expected sometimes. It's another thing entirely to only do that act with a play partner, even when your spouse has expressed an interest in doing the same thing. To act defensively when asked about it in a non-aggressive manner...raises red flags in IMO. To then do it again with a play partner, right in front of your spouse, is begging for trouble. That seems incredibly disrespectful of her partner's feelings.

Mrs.

[clutch]

First of all, I wouldn't worry at all about feeling like a dickhead. Being out of the forest, I can assure you that you don't look like a dickhead. What the response of the other couple might be is, "Hmm. Those guys don't seem like they're on the same page; probably should talk some."

Being centered is the course that I would want to take for this if I were in (or even out of) your shoes.

I'm sensing here that it's not the act, per se, that is significant. On the other hand the abject, forceful refusal to discuss it is very interesting. And all of the affect around this one particular repeated instance is very suggestive.

I'm guessing that there may be something underlying all of this that's not readily apparent--namely anger. Especially regarding the fact that she rather stubbornly repeated her previous behavior and again was not willing to discuss the behavior.

I really am guessing here, but it may have more to do with you and her, rather than her and her other partner. It may be that she is internalizing something that's bothering her, and her rage about it is coming out in this very uncharacteristic behavior.

And, there's a very good chance that she herself may not be quite aware of what it is. I remember a Friends episode where Phebes was mad at Ross, but didn't know why...but her anger just kept manifesting itself until through a twisty little scheme she revealed to everyone and herself that the anger was based on some rather kooky dream she'd had, but had totally forgotten.

I'd agree with lol omg and suspend the swinging and fish a little. Suggest to her what I'm saying and ask if there's truth to it. If she asks where you found it, tell her you suspected it might be "suppression" and that you googled the word.

Best of luck and love to you guys.

[Tybee Swing]

This is the part that I think is the problem:

Originally Posted by Knockedonmyass

On the way home, I attempted to talk to her about it to see if she was okay and if she had enjoyed it. She immediately got defensive and did not wish to discuss it. Again, I think, okay.
....
A few evenings later, we are making love and I figured, hey what the hell, lets try this as it appears she will now perform this act. No way, no how, with all the excuses you can think of.
....
I have tried upon a couple of occassions to talk about it with her and/or try it with no success, so I finally give up and let it go.

For some reason, this woman wil not open up her mouth and talk about what she knows is on her husband's mind. In my humble opinion, clamming up on a spouse over an issue in swinging isn't an option. Maybe in the short-term, such as when you're trying to sort out your thoughts for a day or so before talking about something. But, when our mate is making repeated attempts to simply communicate about changes and shifts in swinging behavior, they deserve an answer. Even if it's uncomfortable for some reason, this is a talk that needs to happen. When one spouse is doing sexual things with playmates, but refusing to do the same thing with her mate, or even discuss doing it with her mate and then only making "excuses", there is a problem.

Jon pointed out that there are some things a woman can physically do with some men, but "can't" do these same things with others (equipment size issue). This is true, but if the husband's equipment is "too big" for certain things, I see no reason that she couldn't talk about this with him.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by Knockedonmyass

Now how am I to handle this without feelings getting hurt?

It seems to me that you are the one whose feelings got hurt. Don't worry that expressing this to her will hurt her feelings. I suggest you tell her how it makes you feel that she will perform these "forbidden" acts with others in front of you, but that she won't share the same with you, or even discuss this with you. You deserve answers and some degree of empathy from her. How would she feel if you did things with other women that you would not do for her? Not happy, I'd bet.

Why don't you have her read this thread?