Broke the rules now he won't even let me flirt

[newbie4u]

Ok...here it is..We're new to swinging. We haven't had a full swap yet. We started this with friends. We usually go to a club (meet & greet) with these friends. The husband & I really connected. My hubby & the wife really didn't have a connection (although, this really wasn't said until after...read on). For a few months, it was a lot of flirting, kissing, etc. My husband was approving in every way even talked about doing a full swap with this couple. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of breaking one of our rules. My husband left us alone so that I could kiss him goodbye (the wife had too much to drink and went to bed) and I went a little further by teasing him with a 'sample/tease' bj (it was very short). My husband saw this through the door window. He was very upset but has forgiven me (to a point). We still associate with these friends (both of us want to continue going out with them) and still go to clubs but my husband has forbidden me to continue anything (even flirt) with this guy. I've tried to tell my husband that it is hard going out with these friends and going cold turkey (especially when we're in the environment)...I understand that we can't take it to the next level but what's wrong with the flirting. My husband feels that I have feelings for him and I've tried to tell him that I don't...I have lust for him (it's lust i'm feeling). I love my husband, and I wish he could understand that. We had so much fun before this happened. We would love to talk about things for days. Now things aren't good. I guess I'm angry that I was given some candy and it was taken away

[couple_ps]

Originally Posted by newbie4u

Ok...here it is..We're new to swinging. We haven't had a full swap yet. We started this with friends. We usually go to a club (meet & greet) with these friends. The husband & I really connected. My hubby & the wife really didn't have a connection (although, this really wasn't said until after...read on). For a few months, it was a lot of flirting, kissing, etc. My husband was approving in every way even talked about doing a full swap with this couple. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of breaking one of our rules. My husband left us alone so that I could kiss him goodbye (the wife had too much to drink and went to bed) and I went a little further by teasing him with a 'sample/tease' bj (it was very short). My husband saw this through the door window. He was very upset but has forgiven me (to a point). We still associate with these friends (both of us want to continue going out with them) and still go to clubs but my husband has forbidden me to continue anything (even flirt) with this guy. I've tried to tell my husband that it is hard going out with these friends and going cold turkey (especially when we're in the environment)...I understand that we can't take it to the next level but what's wrong with the flirting. My husband feels that I have feelings for him and I've tried to tell him that I don't...I have lust for him (it's lust i'm feeling). I love my husband, and I wish he could understand that. We had so much fun before this happened. We would love to talk about things for days. Now things aren't good. I guess I'm angry that I was given some candy and it was taken away

Hi there,

I have once been in a "similar" situation where I, the husband, got very upset because my wife broke a rule (I am still very thankful for the people here, they were very supportive). I totally understand your husband point of view. Rules are rules, and are limits that you set so that none of you get upset.

From my own experience, I would say that you and your husband should sit down and talk, but it will take time. Time can heal at lot of things, but you should not haste anything. If you husband does not want you to do this or that with the other guy, you should respect that. You need to let the wound heal. If you don't respect your husband's "desires" you will cause the wound to open again and this could lead to disaster.

That being said, in my case, with hindsight, I realised that I should not have gotten upset. We all make mistakes. May be with time, he too, will realise that.

Anyway, I wish you all the best and would love to answer any question you might have. Feel free to pm me.

[Mr. Truelove]

This is killing me because I cannot find the post, but this very subject has been brought up by what I think is the husband of this couple. I was trying to find the thread because it would be definitely relative to this thread, but I searched and can't seem to find it.

It had the same "saw blowjob from outside", other wife was drunk, was mad, etc...but from the husband's side.

Argh, I can't find it.

Mr. Truelove

[matt1s3]

Originally Posted by Mr. Truelove

This is killing me because I cannot find the post, but this very subject has been brought up by what I think is the husband of this couple. I was trying to find the thread because it would be definitely relative to this thread, but I searched and can't seem to find it.

It had the same "saw blowjob from outside", other wife was drunk, was mad, etc...but from the husband's side.

Argh, I can't find it.

Mr. Truelove

This one! http://www.swingersboard.com/forums/...divorce+window

[EvilMJ]

I thought this sounded familiar.

All I can say is the answer to what's wrong with flirting is that you are hurting your husband. You aren't taking the time to realize how this makes him feel. Sure he knows you love him, but you are destroying his trust in you and putting doubts in his head.

It may make sense to you that you love him and only lust after the other guy, but in your husband's eyes he sees you doing something, behind his back, with another man you lust after. I would feel the same way in his shoes. You have to take the time and think about how your actions are going to affect him, and then ask yourself if it's worth it.

Swinging isn't a one person thing (unless you are single), it is about both of you having fun. And your right in your comparison about candy being taken away because (and this may sound harsh) but you are acting like a child with candy being taken away. He showed you that he trusted you by leaving you alone with the husband to kiss goodnight and you showed him that he can't trust you by giving a 'sample bj'.

Unless you plan to be clear with your husband about following the rules and showing that he has your trust then you shouldn't swing any more. I also think that you shouldn't swing with that couple. It was not a big thing but your husband is not comfortable with them and that should be enough.

Get your relationship back on track, and start again fresh with a new couple.

Good luck

[iapr]

The bedrock foundation for swinging is trust and intimacy between the partners of a couple and you broke that trust. In essence you "cheated" and now that trust has been damaged and the only way to repair it is to show that you are trustworthy and allow the trust issue to heal. In a way it is a form of "swinger adultry" and should be treated as such.

There are a number of issues going on here, the obvious is that you broke one of your rules. In doing that it has caused him to question his trust for you and his comfort level with that particular couple and he has valid reasons for doing both.

Another factor in this is that you did this after he was out of the room. In so doing this it may have appeared to him as if you did not want him there so you could get a piece in private without him around. Since he was not there he was not included in the decision making process for that to occur and he was not there to be part of the experience. It was something you sneaked in while his back was turned and he happened to have caught you in it. In his mind he now doesn't know what else you have done or would have done behind his back. He also doesn't know if you would have ever told him about it afterwards or if you and this guy have been or would have started keeping secrets.

Also since he has laid out the rules since the incident and said you cannot flirt or anything with this guy it is his way of telling you how to restore the trust that has been damaged and now you are arguing with him and telling him that you do not wish to break contact with this guy. So his perception of that is that you do have feelings for him and want to continue to see and flirt and give clandestine blowjobs and who knows what else with this guy. By telling him he is wrong to feel this way and is wrong to try and make you stop seeing this guy you are reinforcing his distrust for you cause you are making it appear you want to see this guy even though it is causing your husband discomfort. You are essentially disregarding his feelings and his discomfort so you can have fun with this other guy.

Keep this in mind, these are your husbands perceptions and each persons perception is their own reality even if it isn't the same reality that you perceive. So while you may think this is all just fun and games and he shouldn't take it so seriously, to him it is VERY serious.

If you want to stay married let alone continue swinging I would recommend having a real come to Jesus meeting with him and admit that you know you have betrayed his trust and find out from him in minute detail what it will take to restore his trust in you again and then follow that to the letter.

In any swinging situation each person should have full veto power and if one of the parties does not want the other to around a particular person they should have the right to say so and the other person should honor that request without further discussion. There are plenty of other fish in the sea and one should not get so attached to one person that they can't walk away from them without looking back if that person is causing discomfort to your primary partner.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by newbie4u

...The husband & I really connected. My hubby & the wife really didn't have a connection (although, this really wasn't said until after...read on).

I didn't see where you ever went on to explain why your hubby and the other wife really didn't have a connection.

I bring this part of your post up because I think this has a great impact on this whole story. You DO connect with and lust for the other guy, and you know it's only that.

Your husband apparently DOES NOT connect with and lust for the other woman. If he did I'd guess he'd be as enthusiastically pursuing the swing relationship with your friends as you are.

Maybe the tease bj wouldn't have bothered him a bit if he'd been as hot for the guy's wife. Swinging is about balance, and if either of you don't feel "into it" with a couple equally, issues will pop up.

Rules are set as guidelines to help us along, but they will get changed and broken. If everyone quit swinging after a first rule break, no one would be left swinging.

So you fucked up, but I don't think it has to be seen as all that big a deal. Instead, learn from it and ask your husband what REALLY is bothering him about the relationship with your friends, and about you. How do you both see things going from here with them? What's going to be best for the strength of YOUR relationship as husband and wife? That's what you have to consider. Put aside wanting to blame, shame, or forever hold over the other's head a mistake that's been made. You'll have a number of them crop up in swinging. It's how you handle them that will determine the strength between you.

LM

[Tia Vampire]

yes, your hubby may be angry because you broke one of the rules, but believe me it is deeper than that. my fiance loves to have his penis sucked and for him he says it's better than sex. so depending on your skills, he probably did'nt want you to share those skills without him there. he wanted to see if the other guy loved what you do as much as he does. that is what my fiance said.for us girls, a blow job is just a tease or flirting. it is not as meaningful as having someone inside of you. so me, the female half knows it was nothing to have done what you did, but as far as your hubby's point of view, you guys should talk some more and let him know it really was nothing but a girl's way to flirt and nothing more. take care and the best of luck to you guys. i'm sure it's nothing you guys can't put behind you.

[trinigemini]

I think you are very wrong to be upset. My Future Hubby and I have not swung as yet. Mainly because I am afraid of the situations like you just mentioned. Your husband trusted you to obey the rules and you broke them...you broke his trust....I also agree with the other post....you act like a baby with your candy taken away. Your husband is suppossed to be the most important part of any of your relationships.....I'm surprised he even lets you still hang out with the other couple....I know if it was me I would not have anything to do with them ever again....of course that because I have my own insecurity issues.....all I can say is think about it from his perspective...what if it was the other way around....would you have been fine with him eating out the wife upstairs while you waited in the car for him....trusting that he wouldnt do anything you didnt want him too....I'm not at the point in my relationship as yet where I can handle seeing my man fuck another woman.....I doubt I ever will be...

[lovinher]

YOUR angry? Something tells me this will not be the last time you get "angry". How dare your husband tease you like this. The guy must be a real prick. All you did was make one little mistake right?

I don't know how long you have been reading this board but it obviously wasn't long enough. Your husband is a better man than me I guess. I wouldn't have anything to do with this couple again or swinging in general for that matter, at least until the trust was regained. Not only did you fuck up...so did the other husband. I wouldn't trust either one of you right now, especially together.

[Tybee Swing]

to the board

Hi newbie4u, like others, I recognized your story immediately, via your husband's posts here about the situation.

Originally Posted by newbie4u

I understand that we can't take it to the next level but what's wrong with the flirting. My husband feels that I have feelings for him and I've tried to tell him that I don't...I have lust for him (it's lust i'm feeling).

I can understand your husband's feelings very well. What is wrong with the flirting? For one, it's a very unequal situation. You have major lust for the other husband. There is nothing going on between your husband and the other wife.

For another, the man you lust for is your boss. You see him and work with him every day, correct? Are you lusting for him at work all day long? If I were your husband, I'd be thinking that.

Originally Posted by newbie4u

I love my husband, and I wish he could understand that. We had so much fun before this happened. We would love to talk about things for days. Now things aren't good.

You broke his trust. You broke the rules that you had agreed on. Trust is earned, and it takes time to rebuild it once it's broken. Show your husband how much you respect, honor and love him by going out of your way to give him what he wants and needs...your devotion and attention. To be completely honest, I think you should either chill out completely about sex with your boss and decide that's a door you're never going through, or else start looking for another job. At a "vanilla" party with co-workers, you got drunk (you don't get drunk at events with co-workers if you're smart), and you were flirting up the boss and other people at that party in front of everybody. DUH? swinging w/wifes boss (co owner) and his wife

To regain your husband's trust, stop mentioning to your husband what you want and need (swinging, sex with your boss, flirting with people, etc.) and focus on his needs - and your needs as a couple.

Originally Posted by newbie4u

I guess I'm angry that I was given some candy and it was taken away

That's a child's reaction, not a mature woman's. It seems that you're a bit more concerned with what you had and don't have now, your candy, than you are with your husband's feelings. If I were in his shoes, I'd be feeling insecure about you, too.

I'm just being really honest with you...and I do hope that everything works out. I hope you make your marriage a top priority and get it back on track. Best wishes.

[sexychoclit]

It sounds like you are either going to have to give up this couple as friends or give up the lifestyle completely and work on your marriage. It sounds like your husband is not quite comfortable with seeing you please another man & this probably will not change. More than likely you will wind up as one of those couples whose husband is able to be with other women but who makes it hard or forbids his wife to be with another man. Unless you guys can come to terms with what you have done, I would give the whole thing up.

[fun4usnh]

[quote=couple_ps]Hi there,
If you husband does not want you to do this or that with the other guy, you should respect that. You need to let the wound heal. If you don't respect your husband's "desires" you will cause the wound to open again and this could lead to disaster.

This was the post she needed. Thats what she said anyway. She said that she needs to Respect my choice and she said she will... I do believe her too....
As far as anything going on at her work, I know there isn't, she tells me every conversation she has and prints any emails he sends her.
I do want to stay friends with this couple they are nice people, I believe when I talked to the husband in private before he accepted this all, it's just my wife wanted to continue, at least flirting and dirty dancing with him. I said NO to that. I will let them dance as friends and thats it. I do trust her and will continue to unless she breaks it on the dance floor. We won't go there though. That chapter hopefully will never come.

TYBEE SWING, I was wondering if you would see this post, you give some great advice as well as everyone else on here.

Thank you all

P.S. We are going to a club this fri pm, all of us we'll keep you posted

[ts4]

This happened to us.

We discovered early on that a male friend of my wife's was attracted to her and vise versa. I asked her to explore the avenue to see where it could go. The one thing about it was the male friend was married and for the life of me i could not read the woman. We knew his thoughts but could not get a guage on her at all. Well we set some ground rules that the wife could continue in order to find out more *but* she wasn't to do anything without me there. She ended up having the guy over one afternoon after work and kissing him. Well to say the least i was severly pissed since swinging is a mutal thing. PLUS there is no way i wanted any part of breaking up a marriage in any way.

You have to be both on the same page. Yes there will be growing pains and there are other's here that are a hell of a lot more experienced than us but without being on the same page it won't work. Suffice to say that in the end we did end up connecting with the man and wife and it's early on, just happened, but it looks fantastic for the future.

Put it this way, some are lucky but we have not been. We started out nearly 10 years ago looking to swing and up until a few month's ago found out couple. The attraction goes both ways and i'm extremely lucky that it's worked out this way.

Communication is key, without it it cannot work.

Good luck.