Feeling up without asking: is this normal?

[Dooode]

Well. I think I'm gonna play devil's advocate on this one.

Do any of you do this? yes.
Do any of you see this going on? sure.
Does this happen to you? of course.

Aside from the fact that several of us are regulars at our house parties, even those that aren't play exactly the same game--once they catch on. As a matter of fact, we have a "get acquainted" dip in the pool where we all move around, touching and getting close to each other, getting a feel for who's interesting ... and interested!

I honestly can't envision some question like, "Hello. May I touch you?" at our parties. Hell, I wouldn't know how to go about it! LOL

However, "no" still does mean "NO!" and that simple rule is inflexible. I can only think of two times that anyone has ever said "no". I would leave them alone and not pursue further. It's called respect.

If you're going to a house party that's typically "hardcore" in theme, then you can pretty much expect to be touched. But if you're not interested, you can just as easily say "no thanks" and if the person is respectful, they'll leave you alone. If they continue to make you uncomfortable with unwanted touches, the hosts should be alerted.

I think it's a little naive to go to a hardcore house party and expect to be asked to be touched. Body language speaks just as well as words: moving the offending hand away still means "NO!".

And "NO!" still should be respected.

*cha-CHING!*

Two cents.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by Dooode

I think it's a little naive to go to a hardcore house party and expect to be asked to be touched.

Really?

I had no idea that "hardcore" and "respect" were mutually exclusive.

Spoomonkey

[Tybee Swing]

Hi Doooode,

I don't mind you playing devil's advocate. I'll answer your points.

Originally Posted by Dooode

Well. I think I'm gonna play devil's advocate on this one.

Do any of you do this? yes.
Do any of you see this going on? sure.
Does this happen to you? of course.

Aside from the fact that several of us are regulars at our house parties, even those that aren't play exactly the same game--once they catch on. As a matter of fact, we have a "get acquainted" dip in the pool where we all move around, touching and getting close to each other, getting a feel for who's interesting ... and interested!

This house party we've been to isn't a hardcore house party. The hosts themselves are soft swing, with only special exceptions, and they never even play at their parties (they sometimes entertain a select couple during a private dinner party). They have a couple of rooms available during the party should things evolve for others, and they just let everyone do what they do, as far as what others may want to do. Before we went the first time, we checked into them as carefully as we could because we wanted to make sure that this was a no-drugs-allowed party, and that there were no expectations for play. We like to choose who, if and when regarding playmates. We're selective. If we went to a party and there was no one couple there that appealed to both of us, we'd just socialize, enjoy the evening and go home later. If we like people there who don't play at parties but want to get together with us at another time, we exchange numbers for the future. That's the kind of party this one is, for the most part.

Originally Posted by Dooode

I honestly can't envision some question like, "Hello. May I touch you?" at our parties. Hell, I wouldn't know how to go about it! LOL

I like men who don't need to just reach out and start touching, nor ask to touch me (especially if they don't even know me). I like men who can make eye contact, introduce themselves, have some conversation, and we "feel out" along the way through body language and verbal communication if we're attracted, or not. My husband and I especially like to meet a couple where both are doing this with us at the same time, so we can all four figure out if we're all attracted. 9 times out of 10, couples only play if both approve, and we find that getting acquainted this way works out best. If people are adept at socializing and communicating, sometimes it's only minutes before all parties are becoming aware that they're attracted. It doesn't necessarily have to be a courtship process that takes all night long.

Originally Posted by Dooode

I think it's a little naive to go to a hardcore house party and expect to be asked to be touched.

Personally, no matter what kind of party I'm at, I don't want to be just touched nor asked to be touched. I'm not the kind to get into a dogpile of bodies anyway, not my thing, so fortunately I won't have to be in a situation where groping of strangers, or even inserting things in me by strangers and then having to say "no", is going to happen.

Originally Posted by Dooode

Body language speaks just as well as words: moving the offending hand away still means "NO!".

Body language only works if you can see them coming. If they come in with a tactical rear assault, you can't even give them that. LOL!

Some things that have happened to me that made me have to react negatively: having my head grabbed and a tongue jabbed down my throat (unwanted kissing, if you can call that a kiss), having my shirt pulled down to grab a breast and either grab at my nipple or stick it in their mouth, and all kinds of coming up behind maneuvers where I didn't even see them coming, including attempting to finger my pussy or poke around my asshole. There's more of the coming up behind than anything, and that pisses me off the most; maybe they don't want to look me in the eye so that they can avoid the "no", and just take what they want. Whatever the reason, I hate that maneuver.

I think that some of these people who come to the party I just described above, may think that they're at a party like the one you just described. That's probably the seat of the whole problem. Since the hosts don't state any groundrules and don't explain things to people (unless they happen to ask a lot of questions, like we did), we'll just avoid that whole scene and find places that suit us better. We may sometimes play the same night we meet people, if they're classy, approach us with respect and friendliness, and if they turn us on. Not everybody turns us on.

I don't feel I was naive going into this party, in that we got to know the hosts first, asked them tons of questions before we went to one of their parties the first time, and we talked to our mutual friends who'd been to their parties. Like I said, I think that some of the guests come with their own expectations and ideas in their head, and nobody's telling them any differently.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[mrs good times]

I have been in this situation before also and I find that "the look" works pretty well. I good stern WTF look will get rid of most guys pretty fast. If it doesn't then you should inform the hosts and have them removed. I've done this too and don't feel the least bit bothered by it.

I have also had guys I don't know ask if they can touch. I have no problem with that whether the answer is yes or no because at least I know they know the rules and respect them.

[Dooode]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

I think that some of these people who come to the party I just described above, may think that they're at a party like the one you just described. That's probably the seat of the whole problem. Since the hosts don't state any groundrules and don't explain things to people (unless they happen to ask a lot of questions, like we did), we'll just avoid that whole scene and find places that suit us better. We may sometimes play the same night we meet people, if they're classy, approach us with respect and friendliness, and if they turn us on. Not everybody turns us on.

No, obviously not everyone turns everyone else on ... that would be over the top also.

You may very well be right in that people think that it's a puppy pile from the word "go!". Personally, I've never been to a house party that was otherwise (other than the getting acquainted sessions), so I wouldn't know what a "mild" themed party would look like.

Being grabbed the way you describe sounds excessive, even from my standpoint.

Thank you for the comments about not needing to verbally ask! (that kinda freaked me out! LOL). And obviously I agree with body cues as well. I don't agree with "sneaking up behind you" neither. You SHOULD know who is touching you.

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

I don't feel I was naive going into this party, in that we got to know the hosts first, asked them tons of questions before we went to one of their parties the first time, and we talked to our mutual friends who'd been to their parties. Like I said, I think that some of the guests come with their own expectations and ideas in their head, and nobody's telling them any differently.

From my view, those are the hosts being panty-waists and not making the rules known and enforcing them. Can't say I blame you for not going back.

All-in-all, I'm sorry that you had such a bad experience. House parties can be a very fun and pleasurable experience---with the right mix of people.

[Tybee Swing]

Thanks Doooode, I appreciate your thoughts. It adds more clarity to the fact that there are all kinds of parties and all kinds of different expectations out there...and it's best to get ourselves educated to know we're going to a place that's the right match for us.

I agree about the lack of information from the hosts and that they need to be pro-active about keeping everybody up to speed about just what kind of party they run.

It hasn't been all bad though, or we wouldn't have gone back a few times. A lot of it was good, and with the right people there, we've had lots of fun there, too. The last time was the worst of it, though. So, not all the parties have been that bad! That was a new couple, but these hosts like to keep bringing in new people constantly, so odds are there will be another like him again.

There's a new club not too terribly far now, and it's the organized kind of place with a staff, rules, orientations, the whole nine yards. We'll give that place a try.

[Dooode]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

It hasn't been all bad though, or we wouldn't have gone back a few times. A lot of it was good, and with the right people there, we've had lots of fun there, too. The last time was the worst of it, though. So, not all the parties have been that bad! That was a new couple, but these hosts like to keep bringing in new people constantly, so odds are there will be another like him again.

It's good to hear that it's not all been bad times. But you're right: odds are there are going to be others. Even at our get-togethers, in comes the occasional asshole and he (I've run into the occasional "she" too) is going to ruin it for others. The one blessing is that we know they won't be invited back.

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

There's a new club not too terribly far now, and it's the organized kind of place with a staff, rules, orientations, the whole nine yards. We'll give that place a try.

Sounds like a plan! The good news is that a club enforces the rules a bit more sternly. It doesn't eliminate the jerks completely, but there's still more control than a house party.

Ok, so I'm a lousy devil's advocate.

[rpu3]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

I was just trying to be a good host - and what kind of host doesn't share his goodies???

Your shared your goodies???? Darn it, I knew I was going to miss out on a good time!

Back on point - this was a rather educational thread as to a potential house party scene. Don't think we'd fit into that scenario yet, which is good to know in advance.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by Dooode

Ok, so I'm a lousy devil's advocate.

I can be very persuasive.

[MrsVan]

Originally Posted by rpu3

Your shared your goodies???? Darn it, I knew I was going to miss out on a good time!

We did miss you as you missed out on a really good time! Spoo sharing his goodies that evening was such a treat. Wish you could have joined us.

MrsVan

PS- If you plan a meet up in Columbus I am sure we all would be more than willing to come and hey we could bring the American Pie casting crew...

[nice_cpl_n_bama]

Originally Posted by Dooode

"Hello. May I touch you?" at our parties. Hell, I wouldn't know how to go about it!

It goes just like that except between "Hello" and "May I touch you?" there's a long period of chatting flirting and assessing interest levels.

[Pepper & Drew]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

Hi Doooode,

Body language only works if you can see them coming. If they come in with a tactical rear assault, you can't even give them that. LOL!

Some things that have happened to me that made me have to react negatively: having my head grabbed and a tongue jabbed down my throat (unwanted kissing, if you can call that a kiss), having my shirt pulled down to grab a breast and either grab at my nipple or stick it in their mouth, and all kinds of coming up behind maneuvers where I didn't even see them coming, including attempting to finger my pussy or poke around my asshole. There's more of the coming up behind than anything, and that pisses me off the most; maybe they don't want to look me in the eye so that they can avoid the "no", and just take what they want. Whatever the reason, I hate that maneuver.

Sounds like somebody would have had a bruise from a strategically placed elbow from me....

To answer your question, no, this is not at all normal for us at house parties or socials and I don't think it's naive to think that people should not be doing this to you. It makes me almost angry for you that this has been the case. My advice is to work on your tactical manuevers too. I guarantee you'd only have to embarrass one of the offenders and word would spread like wildfire.

Pepper