My wife broke our rule at a club

[wetpanties]

The Question was "What would you do?" Simply put - I would have gone home! ALONE!

[m8seekr]

There's a lot of background that we don't know here. But feelings and rules are not always compatible. Maybe she agreed to behave a certain way without really confronting her true feelings. Maybe she finds herself turned on by stretching her personal boundaries withoiut regard to rules. I would say that the first "rule" for both people would be that each should do what is best for them and agree to accept that from the other and share it later, and not worry about being dissed by their partner. This would give each person room to be themselves without preset barriers, and maybe allow the husband in this case to have been able to move on to something positive for himself within his own personal boundaries, instead of the negative desire to control another person's boundaries.

[MoonLightKiss]

Originally Posted by m8seekr

There's a lot of background that we don't know here. But feelings and rules are not always compatible. Maybe she agreed to behave a certain way without really confronting her true feelings.

I believe that if this was the case, they should not have been at the club to begin with. Anyone can claim to be in this lifestyle, and live it as they see fit, but it is my observation that those couples who are SUCCESSFUL in this lifestyle communicate, communicate, communicate. This includes their true feelings, AND their boundaries.

Originally Posted by m8seekr

Maybe she finds herself turned on by stretching her personal boundaries withoiut regard to rules. I would say that the first "rule" for both people would be that each should do what is best for them and agree to accept that from the other and share it later, and not worry about being dissed by their partner. This would give each person room to be themselves without preset barriers, and maybe allow the husband in this case to have been able to move on to something positive for himself within his own personal boundaries, instead of the negative desire to control another person's boundaries.

With all due respect, I disagree. We do not do what is best for the individual, but we do what is best for US as a couple. We also realize that without preset barriers, we leave an open field for one of us to hurt the other. Its not about control, but respect. If my husband is uncomfortable with something I am doing, I don't do it. Not because he controls me but because I love and respect him and do not wish to hurt his feelings. If I went ahead and did what I wanted, then basically I am telling him he does not matter nor do his feelings. If thats the case, then how can I claim to love him?

Some couples can play without boundaries, and that is great for them, but some couples must have boundaries and rules. Some have only one rule and that is respect for the other. Whatever the rules are, as a couple they must be decided on, and upheld. It makes for less drama later. We don't play with couples who have one set of rules for one half and another set for the other half. I can see the drama now if we ever did.

[CuriousInOregon]

I would not have "stopped" them but let them finish up their fun with my partner knowing I WAS THERE and when that was over we would be going home to have a LONG talk. I guess Im just happy that I have never had to deal with this, we are not clubbers have never been as of yet though he is interested in at least looking. SO if that were to happen now he knows what would happen and TRUST that talk after words would not be "gee honey did she blow your mind like you hoped" hahahhahha

[m8seekr]

Originally Posted by MoonLightKiss

I believe that if this was the case, they should not have been at the club to begin with. Anyone can claim to be in this lifestyle, and live it as they see fit, but it is my observation that those couples who are SUCCESSFUL in this lifestyle communicate, communicate, communicate. This includes their true feelings, AND their boundaries.

Oh, I agree that her actions are a breach of trust, but to me that might be as much because the trust was not complete as it was because she got carried away. I keep trying to think of why a man would want to tell a woman which guy she could enjoy being with and which she could not be with? A tatoo he did not like? A large physique? A fear she might like it too much?


With all due respect, I disagree. We do not do what is best for the individual, but we do what is best for US as a couple. We also realize that without preset barriers, we leave an open field for one of us to hurt the other. Its not about control, but respect. If my husband is uncomfortable with something I am doing, I don't do it. Not because he controls me but because I love and respect him and do not wish to hurt his feelings. If I went ahead and did what I wanted, then basically I am telling him he does not matter nor do his feelings. If thats the case, then how can I claim to love him?

Some couples can play without boundaries, and that is great for them, but some couples must have boundaries and rules. Some have only one rule and that is respect for the other. Whatever the rules are, as a couple they must be decided on, and upheld. It makes for less drama later. We don't play with couples who have one set of rules for one half and another set for the other half. I can see the drama now if we ever did.

Basically, we agree more than we disagree. I think I just have a hard time imagining that a man who wanted to control his wife that much would not be "asking for it" when something went wrong - and vice versa, in any large group of players.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by m8seekr

This would give each person room to be themselves without preset barriers, and maybe allow the husband in this case to have been able to move on to something positive for himself within his own personal boundaries, instead of the negative desire to control another person's boundaries.

What are boundaries if not "preset barriers"?

Your post comes across as a bit of double speak to me...

It is not about control, it is about respect. I respect my wife enough to avoid doing things that will hurt her or cross her boundaries. She feels the same. This includes not slipping into a play room without each other's knowledge and consent (and in our case, presence).

Spoomonkey

[JTcamp05]

Originally Posted by MoonLightKiss

I believe that if this was the case, they should not have been at the club to begin with. Anyone can claim to be in this lifestyle, and live it as they see fit, but it is my observation that those couples who are SUCCESSFUL in this lifestyle communicate, communicate, communicate. This includes their true feelings, AND their boundaries.




With all due respect, I disagree. We do not do what is best for the individual, but we do what is best for US as a couple. We also realize that without preset barriers, we leave an open field for one of us to hurt the other. Its not about control, but respect. If my husband is uncomfortable with something I am doing, I don't do it. Not because he controls me but because I love and respect him and do not wish to hurt his feelings. If I went ahead and did what I wanted, then basically I am telling him he does not matter nor do his feelings. If thats the case, then how can I claim to love him?

Some couples can play without boundaries, and that is great for them, but some couples must have boundaries and rules. Some have only one rule and that is respect for the other. Whatever the rules are, as a couple they must be decided on, and upheld. It makes for less drama later. We don't play with couples who have one set of rules for one half and another set for the other half. I can see the drama now if we ever did.

"Without preset barriers you an leave open field for one of us to hurt the other"...... That is control no matter how you phrase it, If one partener cant do what they want, they are being controled by the other. If they chose not to do something to protect the feelings of a S/O that is respect.

It is all about sommunication and alowing others including your S/O to make some of the boundries. To go in with such strict guidelines is setting yourself up for failure. It is about an open lifestyle, call it what you will but if your S/O can't do what THEY want only because you don't whant them to, its a control issue!

[swing52001]

I took the question literally. What if my wife.....? If my wife did that it would be in character (spontaneous) but it should not have been a surprise to me. I hope that I would be paying enough attention to see what was happening. It could then go either way. The rule might be changed whilst walking down the hall or I hope that I could at least let her know that I wouldn't be doing my best impression of a wallflower while she was busy doin favours for somebody else. There would be a discussion later (maybe even in the morning) because a rule agreed upon by both parties needs to be respected. It should only be changed by agreement.
On the other hand, if I did that without consultation..... Her spontaneity might not be something I would want to face

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by JTcamp05

It is all about sommunication and alowing others including your S/O to make some of the boundries. To go in with such strict guidelines is setting yourself up for failure. It is about an open lifestyle, call it what you will but if your S/O can't do what THEY want only because you don't whant them to, its a control issue!

This is where I am getting very confused.

It would seem that you are saying strict boundaries is a course for failure, but yet you also say that sticking to boundaries shows respect and that "it (I am assuming by "it" you mean a healthy approach to swinging) is all about communication and allowing others including your S/O to make some of the boundaries."

Are we getting a little lost in the circular reasoning?

Should we allow our S/O to make boundaries or shouldn't we? Is agreeing on boundaries a sign of mutual respect or an avenue to failure and a control issue?

This post, like the one by m8seekr, seems to be speaking out both sides of the mouth...

Spoomonkey

[She_n_Jaybee]

I started this reply thinking I had some valid point to make, suddenly I'm not sure. What the hell? I never let the lack of anything valid stop me before!

Boundaries exist for us all. Whether you're in a relationship or not. The laws we live under are boundaries, the rules and guidelines set down by employers are also boundaries. For all aspects of our lives we have boundaries. We either accept or defy them. And each carries it's own consequences. For those of you who think that boundaries are an unfair attempt to control, try telling that female boss how you want to bend her over your desk and drive it home. Or try punching that highway patrolman for trying to unfairly control you. Let everyone know they can't control you! Who knows, you might look good in an orange jumpsuit.

A relationship has it's own boundaries. Typically, they are the only boundaries on which each partner has some input. If She tells me "I don't like it when you pick up another woman and have sex with her standing up. No one else has done that to me before and I think of that as 'our' position", I listen, bring up my objections "Isn't it worth it to see the look on their face when I hit that spot?" and we discuss the matter. We reach a decision, or table it for later discussion, both pondering the other's points. Is that trying to control each other? Perhaps. As many have already said, I consider it a matter of respect.

Without respect, how can you have compassion? Without compassion, how can you love? Without love, what good is a relationship?

[JTcamp05]

Boundaries exist for us all. Whether you're in a relationship or not. The laws we live under are boundaries, the rules and guidelines set down by employers are also boundaries. For all aspects of our lives we have boundaries. We either accept or defy them. And each carries it's own consequences. For those of you who think that boundaries are an unfair attempt to control, try telling that female boss how you want to bend her over your desk and drive it home. Or try punching that highway patrolman for trying to unfairly control you. Let everyone know they can't control you! Who knows, you might look good in an orange jumpsuit.

A relationship has it's own boundaries. Typically, they are the only boundaries on which each partner has some input. If She tells me "I don't like it when you pick up another woman and have sex with her standing up. No one else has done that to me before and I think of that as 'our' position", I listen, bring up my objections "Isn't it worth it to see the look on their face when I hit that spot?" and we discuss the matter. We reach a decision, or table it for later discussion, both pondering the other's points. Is that trying to control each other? Perhaps. As many have already said, I consider it a matter of respect.

Without respect, how can you have compassion? Without compassion, how can you love? Without love, what good is a relationship?[/quote]

You make some very good points, I for one have always been one to follow the rules of society, so I can't say there is anything wrong with that. I guess I am thinking more in line with this specific question. We have been in a situation somewhat like this, and how I would react to it now is different that it was.
I remember a few years ago at a party, we both wished to have fun, but as it turned out that party kinda dryed up and my S/O found herself with a single male, I didnt mind but to make a long story short I felt a little left out and made a nasty comment or something to that effect. I remember feeling bad about it the next day and started thinking. What if the shoe was on the other foot, would she make a comment if I were enjoying myself.

Now over time as we have had a few experiences, we each have no issues with control. She is free to explore as she wishes and the same for myself.

It just seams to me the only time we ever had any issues with the swinging is when we put boundries on it. The boundries we had lasted a few weeks and here two years into it its been nothing but positive. Of course were not out at the wild club scene much we tend to prefer meeting like minded couples, but nonetheless find our lifestyle very satisfying.

I know each and everyone has something they want to get out of the lifestyle, and another may have different goals. However I have noticed other couples with boundries and they tend jump from couple to couple. If one couple wished to have boundries (some of which at least one party can't follow) I guess good for them. For us it's OUR opnion that having no pre determined boundries leads to a more enjoyable time.

We have been with couples lke this who have everything planed out what they will do what they wont do, its like acting out a movie script, where is the passion, the feeling, the excitement. I am always safe, but thats my decision, my responsibility on my part. She is always safe, but thats her decision, and her responsibility on her part. We each have things we like and each have things we don't like. But I didn't tell her what she doesnt like, and she didnt tell me what I dont like. But of course we have a good relationship and I allready know what she likes and doesnt like. Mabye the key is swinging with someone who you are that comfortable with???

[MoonLightKiss]

Originally Posted by JTcamp05

"Without preset barriers you an leave open field for one of us to hurt the other"...... That is control no matter how you phrase it, If one partener cant do what they want, they are being controled by the other. If they chose not to do something to protect the feelings of a S/O that is respect.

It is all about sommunication and alowing others including your S/O to make some of the boundries. To go in with such strict guidelines is setting yourself up for failure. It is about an open lifestyle, call it what you will but if your S/O can't do what THEY want only because you don't whant them to, its a control issue!

I see your point. Although for me and my husband we do not see it as control but respect. For example, we have a rule that states, "if we both are not happy with the couple, neither of us plays". This was his idea to begin with. I agree with it, but for the sake of making a point, lets say I disagreed.

If he wants to not play with a couple and I do, from what I am understanding from you, I should be allowed to. Otherwise, its control. Here is where I think choices come in to make it respect or control. If I choose not to, its not because I can't, its because I won't. Frankly, my husband does not control me nor I him. I would choose not to, because I respect him enough to also respect his feelings. Could I play with them? Yes I probably could. Would he be happy? no. Knowing I could and choosing not to is what makes the difference. Going ahead and playing in this situation is what shows him that I do not care about his feelings. But control? No, its not control, because the choice would be mine.

I feel that the word control would come more into play if I chose to play with a couple and he bodily removed me from the situation. Then I have no choice which implies control.

Just my opinion...we may not agree but we can agree to disagree on it I suppose. Its a matter of point of view is all.