My wife broke our rule at a club

[EvilMJ]

Originally Posted by JTcamp05

Give me a break!!!!.....So you as an adult married couple went to a swing club....and your wife as an adult wanted to have some fun....I would of course think thats the point of attending. Guess thats what she had in mind anyway.

Ohhh thats right she didn't follow "your" rules .... I would think that is a problem just for you and your wife to resolve....in private. Doesn't sound as if anyone else there did anything the least bit wrong, now why on earth would you consider causing a problem and screwing up everyone elses good time, becaume YOU have a problem with YOUR wife.

I have to agree with the others that the problem here is not him being selfish and controlling. They had agreed in the beginning that they would not play separately. For her to slip off on him and go play with someone without discussing it with him first is decitful and disrespectful.

What is the point of making a rule if you are just going to break it the first available chance you get. Oh well it's a party and we are here for sex so anything goes right? I don't think so. How many times has it been posted here that successful swingers have an important foundation of trust, respect and communication. That one act chucked all those out the door.

When we first went to a house party we had an incident somewhat similar to this. While I was in the room, he started to play with a woman but didn't confir with me first. I didn't really like this woman and would rather we had nothing to do with her. I didn't cause a scene but he got a look, one that he could not mistake for me being less than happy. He made some excuse to her and we went to a quiet corner and had a talk. He got caught up in a moment, had too much to drink, and when he thought about it realized that it was a poor decision on his part and apololgized, the rest of the evening was great and it has never happened again. Even then as a new swinger, I realized that causing a scene would have done nothing but embarass the poor woman (wasn't her fault), embarass the host and probably keep us from being invited from any other party.

[PEARL69]

i would break it up faster then she could say the words breake it up

[sexcupid]

I'm in the boat with the rest. I would seriously be pissed off. Particuarly since it seems this couple/person was deemed off limits beforehand.

I wouldn't exactly barge in and make a scene (no matter how tempting...*lol*), but I would pop in to make the "It's time to go...now." Announcement. Probably in a snippy tone, knowing me.

It's definitely a trust issue. You trust that both of you will, for lack of a better phrase, "abide by the rules." One of you stomps all over said guidelines, well...that'll obviously take sometime to repair.

[JTcamp05]

Guess its just me I've never been one to tell my wife what to do, she can make her own decisions, of course she gives me the same respect. We communicate and agree, most of the time!! I really don't think I could be involved in a swinging relationship any other way. In the moment is not the time or place. You should have discussed your feelings before hand and if your not still upset by your partners actions, guess you have alot of talking to do.


It feels like more of a control issue to me, how can I make my partner do what I want, wihout realizing they are doing what they want.

[Lawguy]

Originally Posted by JTcamp05

Guess its just me I've never been one to tell my wife what to do, she can make her own decisions, of course she gives me the same respect. We communicate and agree, most of the time!! I really don't think I could be involved in a swinging relationship any other way. In the moment is not the time or place. You should have discussed your feelings before hand and if your not still upset by your partners actions, guess you have alot of talking to do.


It feels like more of a control issue to me, how can I make my partner do what I want, wihout realizing they are doing what they want.

JTcamp05, I really do think that it is largely just you. I mean, no, we don't tell our wives what to do, but holy crap, standing at the alter and saying "I do" does give you a right to say "I am not comfortable with you f--king so and so without letting me know first." If that's hard to fathom, then so be it. I'm not intending to flame you here, but swinging is not a singles-only club (if it were, your earlier comments would be perfectly logical), but it's largely made up of couples who have made commitments to each other and, to one degree or another, CAN tell each other what to do and CAN control them to a small extent. Having "control" over another person may seem like an unjust thing to some, but to many others it is reflective of both spouses' sacred commitment to each other. My wife has "control" over me. No, I'm not panty-whipped, but I just respect her enough that if she says "I don't want us playing except under these rules" then I will play under her rules. Because we love each other, she does the same, and no one feels put out or controlled. Just my humble opinion.

Lawguy

[JTcamp05]

Ok Lawman



I get your point..... I might have went a bit over to make a point..


But I still think the time and place to talk about the situation is the next day. I also think if you are one who will cause a scene or barge in and remove your spouse phycisally, you have no business attending an event like this!

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by JTcamp05

Shelly,


You can be "pissed off" sure! But your an adult...you just need to be "pissed off" at the right person. Out at a party is no time to define rules that should be done in advance....and this problem is not gonna be fixed in the heat of things it is for sure a "morning after" talk when everyone has a clear picture!

True, when I'm sober....but if I'm drinking I'm not promising anything lol. But I can see your point.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by Lawguy

JTcamp05, I really do think that it is largely just you. I mean, no, we don't tell our wives what to do, but holy crap, standing at the alter and saying "I do" does give you a right to say "I am not comfortable with you f--king so and so without letting me know first." If that's hard to fathom, then so be it. I'm not intending to flame you here, but swinging is not a singles-only club (if it were, your earlier comments would be perfectly logical), but it's largely made up of couples who have made commitments to each other and, to one degree or another, CAN tell each other what to do and CAN control them to a small extent. Having "control" over another person may seem like an unjust thing to some, but to many others it is reflective of both spouses' sacred commitment to each other. My wife has "control" over me. No, I'm not panty-whipped, but I just respect her enough that if she says "I don't want us playing except under these rules" then I will play under her rules. Because we love each other, she does the same, and no one feels put out or controlled. Just my humble opinion.

Lawguy

I don't think its "control" as much as it is respect. I respect my husband, and his views weigh heavily on the decisions I make, and vice versa. Now, I agree...we are ALL entitled to our opinions, so I'm not knocking anyone. Now, if you are in an open marriage that is one thing, you do your own thing. But when you are in a swing relationship you are doing this together. I can understand that I am a grown woman, entitled to my own opinions. But I have respect for my husband, and if he is not in agreeance with something I owe it to him to respect him. Thats all I'm saying.

[maydecember26]

When we first decided to swing we set our rules but before our first party we sat down and talked alot.Our rules include only same room and we play together but we decided together that when we go to a party we let our hair down so to speak.We can play seperatly and in different rooms.When we meet people on the internet we both have a chance to get to know them and see if we click but at a party you don't have that and both of us may not always click with the others so this is our way of dealing with that issue.And to answer the question I would not interupt or be pissed off.I would just be glad that she found someone she wanted that much.

[mincup]

I know this is kinda shallow but that would turn me on. I would love the thought of her being spontaneous like that. That's me though.

[MarcusAndErin]

I think the idea of spontaneity is good, like mincup said, but I'm not sure I'd follow that example. Me and my girl always have a good time when out to clubs and we are both very easy going people. If she did something spontaneous I'd deffinately be turned on and excited about what might happen. However, her and I, make eye contact like crazy and communicate with eachother verbally, non verbally etc until the moon goes down.

Having said that, like many others have already said. If she did something that may appear spont. but was indeed something we both agreed was a big "no-no" whether it be a rule WE created or a couple WE did not want to be part of... Then I'd be upset. Quite upset. I also agree, making a scene is not the right course of action and I also agree that immediate discussion after the act is absolutely necessary.

This entire lifestyle is built on several very important principles, one of which is communication. I'm a whole hearted believer that the swinging lifestyle is something some people are born to do, and do well. For others however, it really may not be for you. If you can't trust, communicate, think rationally or compose yourself in a mature manor then I'd have to scratch my head as to why you'd swing in the first place.

To the original poster. I wish you the very best in whatever resolutions you and your partner come to. I'm reasonably certain almost everyone on this board agrees though that there needs to be some serious chat between you two.

Good luck

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by JTcamp05

Guess its just me I've never been one to tell my wife what to do, she can make her own decisions, of course she gives me the same respect.

The issue of respect is a big one here.

If Mrs Spoo did something like this - knowing how it would upset me - she is respecting neither me, our relationship or the guy she is playing with who is getting ready to witness a fairly ugly scene.

Sure, when we go to the club, we are both expecting to play - but we are both expecting to play within our rules; within the boundaries that we have both agreed beforehand to play within - which are based on respect for each other.

I will say this - my marriage is far more important to me than my sense of propriety. If Mrs Spoomonkey crossed such a line, it would be more important to me to deal with it than it would be to worry about ruining the peace at the club we are in. Call me crazy, but I want to get out of swinging with my marriage intact - far more than I care about ruining someone else's good time.

I would have stepped into the room - stopped things right where they were - and played whatever hand such actions dealt me. My actions would not have been gracious, pretty, perfect or peaceful - but they would have been decisive and to the point. I'd beat around few bushes in that situation, I can unapologetically promise you that

And if some fellow left there with his feelings (or whatever else) bruised, then so be it.

Some things are more important than being diplomatic.

Spoomonkey

[2jersey]

Originally Posted by JandT_Elkhart

Oh, I'd break it up so fast her head would spin. And I would HOPE she'd do the same if I did something so downright stupid.

This is a no-brainer.

Yes, a complete no-brainer. Break it up!

[Amanda69]

As Mrs. Good times stated

I would walk in to the room and with a smile on my face tell my husband that it was time to go home and then walk out, wait at the bar until he joined me. Once in the privacy of our home the discussions would begin.

Absolutely....and what a discussion that would be. It has only happened to me once and I did exactly that. To say the least I am not with that partner anymore.

JTcamp said Give me a break!!!!.....So you as an adult married couple went to a swing club....and your wife as an adult wanted to have some fun....I would of course think thats the point of attending. Guess thats what she had in mind anyway. Ohhh thats right she didn't follow "your" rules

We all attend swing clubs to have fun but within the boundaries agreed upon as a couple. The marriage relationship is supposed to be number one. A person who breaks their word at a swing club or elsewhere is showing disrespect for their partner and potentially damaging their trust with their partner. The rules were THEIRS.

I would also hate to have been the other person involved in this situation. This is why we make sure we meet both parties and I hear from the partner that it is okay to go off separately with their mate. Tends to avoid someone popping in to say it is time to go in the middle of things.

[JTcamp05]

I'm sure most people would never find themselves in the situation. Hopefully everyone is respectful and this doesn't arise. But it is good to know how you would react if it does!