Wife doesn't understand my boundary concerns

[inquisitivemale]

I am the male half of a married couple and i wanted to know if i am the bad guy in this situation.

My wife and I have been swinging for over three years. We have had very few problems that came up but have always came through them. We attended a party two months back were this situation came up.
At the party they had a hospitality suite. We were in the room with quite a few other people. A woman was playing with a man she said was her husband and called my wife over. My wife goes over and they both start giving him head. After a minute the other woman gets up and leaves. My wife continues giving him head. This guy is very well endowed. The other women leave and so I have no one to play with since my wife is occupied and I will not leave her alone because I feel that I should be always be near incase she needs me. So I end up sitting there watching my wife have sex with this guy. This goes on for about an hour. Now my wife is not a quiet person when it comes to sex so she was very loud. During this our I had to endure the looks of all the single guys in the room. They wispered, pointed, laughed, and made little coments about me and talked about how their friend was wearing my wife out. Every now and then a woman would come in talk about how she wouldn't be taking that much dick that long. I got tired of it and told them that they were gonna have to finish it up. They said ok. Twenty minutes later they are still going at it. I really break it up now and we go back to our room. After that I just was not in the mood for sex so we went to bed. The guy came and knowcked on our dorr later that night and I sent him away. The next morning we are leaving and my wife and I getr seperated. When I find her She is talking to the same guy and he is giving her his number. I trust my wife and I though she did not keep the number. Now We talked about it on the way home. She tells me she did not enjoy it that much cause he could not really keep it up and she kept having to give him head. We get home and they post the next date for the party and my wife immediately signs us up for attendance. Now fast forward two months. I was cleaning out our messnger folders when I come across her talking to the husband of another couple we play with on the messenger in the archive.
She tells him about what happened but explains it saying I got upset because I was being teased. She made it sound very childish as if it was really just me. She also said that she really enjoyed it. Then she tells him that the guy has been calling her and talking to her. She then tells himn all the things he says and that he wanted to get with her again at the next party. I did not know that he was calling her. We really had a discussion about that. Days later I see that he is still calling her and his number is still in her cell phone address book. After the discussion agian i get her to take it out her phone. She then calls him when I am not around and tells him to stop calling her. Now a true situation.
We go to the party I have to deal with him and his friends again. If they disrepected me then, I feel that they have little respect for mre when I get there. My wife tells me I should move on and get over it. But it stays on my mind. Am I wrong?

[angelrose85053]

Timeout! Whoa! I am sure there are two sides to this story. However, your concerns alone are enough to warrant a serious conversation with your wife about your rules for group play. It is unacceptable for either one of you to do anything behind each other's back or be placed in an uncomfortable situation. Sit down with your wife and tell her that it's ok if she enjoyed the othe male, but it is not ok for her to lie to you and keep secrets from you and it is not ok for you to feel disrespected by anyone in the group. If these pirameters cannot be met, then you may want to consider not attending the next party.

[Mr&MrsSwing]

One of the most important requirements of swinging is that you and your partner are honest with each other about every aspect of swinging,...otherwise it becomes dishonesty, and in some cases, cheating. Try and talk about why she didn't tell you she was talking with this man without you knowing. I would calmly explain to her that had she enjoyed herself, she could have been honest about it, therefore ensuring more meetings with this man. For some reason, she did not want you to know she enjoyed herself.

Also, (of course this is how me and the husband operate, everyone has their own rules and feelings) when we are swinging together, and I or he senses that the other is uncomfortable with the situation, or feels left out, we try to accomadate for the other. If that is how you both are, she should have respected the fact that you felt left out, and done something about it. I hope this helps a bit.

MRS

[intuition897]

I agree that while there is always more to the story than one side can tell, the fact remains that you are one unhappy camper. Regardless of where this problem originates, you are still feeing humiliated, disrespected and uncared for by your wife...and everyone around you. The unmentioned discussions between your wife and the other guy are suspicious, as is the discrepency between her messenger conversation with the other play partner and what she told you after her little party. I say "her" little party because you weren't having much fun at all, and she didn't bother to take time out (at any time during her one hour + of playing with this guy she wasn't having that much fun playing with anyway) to remedy that.

I'm looking forward to hearing her side of things. From your description of her "Tough shit!" attitude, it sounds like she's not quite grasping that her freedom to do as she pleases without you leaving her is a privilege, not a right. And she should not assume that just because you're okay with her having sex with others...it doesn't mean you're okay with her ignoring your feelings just so that she can have a little fun.

[fun4Ds]

we think you have been disrespected. we hope you can talk this out by redefining and clarifing your boundries.maby you could have shut the door at some point.guys can be assholes sometimes but i think i would have done a big ol every body out!!! if they dont like it too bad.it was about you and your wifes enjoyment not a bunch of guys. we just see it as bad company. we dont have any friends that would be calling without the others aproval we just dont opperate like that and we are pretty clear about it with the people we play with. they seem to be on the same page.

[lovedoctor]

I'm wondering what your swinging history was like before this experience? Have you always been fair, open and honest with each other? Have you respected each other's feelings? Have you been perceptive to each other's needs? Is this attitude a sudden change, or has she progressively become more secretive and selfish?

It's time to examine your relationship. Stop swinging until you can get back on track. Get some counseling - you guys are a long way from the communication you need to make this relationship successful. Good luck.

[slolrner]

I can’t believe that you would allow your wife to abuse your relationship like this unless, you like being a cuckold.

I can’t believe your wife would disrespect you and continue to call this man behind your back unless she thinks you like being a cuckold.

I can’t believe your friends would put up with your wife disrespecting your relationship and not saying something to you about it, unless they think you like being a cuckold.

I think you like being a cuckold, everybody feels so sorry for you, the disrespected husband.

Hey, the way I see it you have two choices. You can grow some balls and let your wife know that if she wants to have a house to come home to she can ditch this butt hole of a man, and the two of you are going to have serious conversations about respect, or you can continue to enjoy the cuckold lifestyle you have come to enjoy.

[JnCC]

It's kind of interesting, sometimes, to look at swinging from something of an "outsiders" perspective.

In the vanilla world, it's not unusual to hear some guy say that he "knew his wife was chatting" with guys on the computer, but it's not until he find's out that she's been fucking them as well, that he starts to get concerned.

In the swinging world, it's just the opposite. Here, it's usually some guy who knows his wife has been fucking another guy, but it's not until he finds out she's been talking to him as well, that he starts to get concerned.

I think one of the real dangers of this lifestyle is that people who feel they're obligated to separate their "emotional" reaction from sex in order for their partners to enjoy swinging, tend to separate their "common sense" reaction to it as well. If you don't know who you or your wife is with, assume the worst. You'll never be dissapointed

I think a little jealousy in a relationship is a good thing. In fact, if we value our partner and our relationship with them, it's a necessary thing. There's nothing wrong with telling your wife that it's NOT OK to blow some guy just because his "wife's" jaw is getting tired.

I think a little discretion in selecting the people you swing with is also a good thing. I don't think there's anything wrong with getting to know somebody a little bit before you have sex with them.

I think the vast majority of single guys at swing clubs and socials have so little fundamental understanding of why couples swing, and so little respect for the sanctity of marriage, that it amazes me that ANY of them are permitted to attend those events, period.

"I have a friend" who's a pilot. He reads accident reports voraciously. You might think that's somewhat "morbid" on his part, but his reasoning is this..."I constantly examine my actions when flying, or preparing to fly. When what I'm doing sounds like the first paragraph of an accident report, I STOP what I'm doing, and ask myself is there isn't something I can do to avoid what I know is likely to come in the second paragraph...the narrative of the CRASH"

I think it would help some couples to read this post, and others like it, in a similar light. It's too late to help the OP, but his story might save someone else. When some situation or some person doesn't seem right, STOP what you're doing and re-group, or you're likely to be the subject of your own "accident report."

[intuition897]

Well said JnCC! Excellent advice and insight.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by inquisitivemale

The other women leave and so I have no one to play with since my wife is occupied and I will not leave her alone because I feel that I should be always be near incase she needs me....During this our I had to endure the looks of all the single guys in the room. They wispered, pointed, laughed, and made little coments about me and talked about how their friend was wearing my wife out. Every now and then a woman would come in talk about how she wouldn't be taking that much dick that long. I got tired of it and told them that they were gonna have to finish it up. They said ok. Twenty minutes later they are still going at it....

I'll add this comment.

Part of being their for each other includes seeing things that your spouse may not see and if anything arises that is not okay with you, stop it.

When I am in the midst of play, I often don't know what is happening around me. If my husband would become uncomfortable - for any reason - and would ask the play to stop, I'd stop. If he would ever signal me that it's time to leave the play area, I would. Then, when we are by ourselves, we would discuss what came up that caused him to call it stops.

This might be something you and your wife should discuss doing in the future. We've found this to be a good way to take look out for each other. It also avoids potential problems.

LM

[Lawguy]

Originally Posted by slolrner

I can’t believe that you would allow your wife to abuse your relationship like this unless, you like being a cuckold.

I can’t believe your wife would disrespect you and continue to call this man behind your back unless she thinks you like being a cuckold.

I can’t believe your friends would put up with your wife disrespecting your relationship and not saying something to you about it, unless they think you like being a cuckold.

I think you like being a cuckold, everybody feels so sorry for you, the disrespected husband.

Hey, the way I see it you have two choices. You can grow some balls and let your wife know that if she wants to have a house to come home to she can ditch this butt hole of a man, and the two of you are going to have serious conversations about respect, or you can continue to enjoy the cuckold lifestyle you have come to enjoy.

Dang straight, slolrner. No there are NOT two sides to this type of story. He feels uncomfortable about her relationship with this guy--END OF STORY. Moreover, as if that were not enough alone, she's also talking to him (while knowing how he felt about the guy that night) and has not been telling her husband. Last, but not least, ANY frigging phone call to the other guy AFTER the husband expesses such concerns--even if to tell the guy to go to hell--is waaaay out of line, IMHO.

Cuckolding might be fun, but I'd rather hear the stories than live them.

Lawguy

[good times]

Like LM said above, my wife and I agree that at any time either one of us can stop the play for any reason. If I said to my wife "that they were gonna have to finish it up " it would be finished in less than a minute. Not stopping when asked and that she is concealing the fact that she was talking to him without your knowledge are the two things in your situation that would bother me most. I would definitely cancel the next party plans and not make any more until both you and your wife are in agreement about what limits you both find acceptable.

[sexyshelby]

Dito I agree with everyone above. You need to have a serious discussion with your wife about this situation and why you two want to keep swinging.

My advice is do not go to this party until you can agree on rules and boundries.

~SS

[Coupleinidaho]

If the two of you swing again, I would suggest you BOTH make this guy (and his friends), off-limits FOREVER. The total disrespect shown for you and your marriage is enough to blacklist them. There are plenty of guys who are "hung" that won't act in that manner. (Mr.)

[Swingercast]

Originally Posted by JnCC

"I have a friend" who's a pilot. He reads accident reports voraciously. You might think that's somewhat "morbid" on his part, but his reasoning is this..."I constantly examine my actions when flying, or preparing to fly. When what I'm doing sounds like the first paragraph of an accident report, I STOP what I'm doing, and ask myself is there isn't something I can do to avoid what I know is likely to come in the second paragraph...the narrative of the CRASH"

I think it would help some couples to read this post, and others like it, in a similar light. It's too late to help the OP, but his story might save someone else. When some situation or some person doesn't seem right, STOP what you're doing and re-group, or you're likely to be the subject of your own "accident report."

(a hand picks up a walkie talkie, then we hear...)

Thank you for flying Swingers Airlines. Please make sure your relationship is in a secure and upright (not uptight) postion. We know you have choices when you swing and we hope the ones you have heard about here will make your flight more enjoyable.

Captain Julie has turned on the No Clothes sign.

You are now free to move about the board.