New partner is crossing the lines

watcherone · 10-08-2000, 12:32 AM

What would you do if a new partner began to get too close to one of you. By close I mean making private calls to your spouse and generally trying to privatise their relationship.
When this happened to me, I stopped the relationship but have been catching alot of flack about that.

10-08-2000, 12:19 PM

You were absolutely correct to stop the relationship. At least until the problems can be worked out.

Husband of CyberMWCouple

Sweetdevil · 10-08-2000, 04:44 PM

I would tell the person making contact to stop or both physical and verbal contact woudl end. Also, I would mention that my spouse know of the contact. This will show that no one can come between you and your spouse, and you rules will not be broken.

Sweetdevil

watcherone · 10-10-2000, 12:48 AM

The problem has been trying to stop his advances without gettin my wife upset and scaring the friend off. I still feel we can work thru it and get back to the good part(sex).When I let it be known that it was bothering me, my friend pulled away from us. I have since reopened the relationship but am affraid to ask him by for sex with us. I dont know if I would be opening another can of worms by getting heim and my wife together again. Where we live it is impossible to find a guy that we could trust to keep it discreet and who is in it for the right reasons. When some guys find that they can get alot of sex this way, they think it is a weakness on my part. Know what I mean?

***JustAskJulie*** · 10-10-2000, 01:00 PM

First off, I think this is something where you need to sit down and talk honestly with your wife and with your friend. First seperately then together. This may be a case where your wife gets upset but I really think it is a risk you have to take.

Talk to your wife about what was going on with his calls and what not and how that bothered you, find out how she felt about it as well. If it didn't bother her, explain to her why it bothered you. That this is a swinging relationship and everything should be about the 3 of you not just two of you (unless it's you and and her). Explain these same factors to your friend. Let him know that you enjoy his friendship and that the swinging expansion of your frienship was great but that he crossed a line. If he can't handle this conversation then perhaps you should cut him off all together.

If you can make him see where he stepped over the line then I would suggest you get all 3 of you together to sit down and set up some ground rules for what should and should not be going on in this relationship. Once you have all agreed to them then you can open the relationship back up to sex. If you can't all agree on them, then I would suggest you leave sex out of the picture and keep him as a friend. I think frienship is much more important than a swinging relationship.

Neither your marriage or a good friendship are worth risking just to have someone to swing with.

Julie http://www.swingersboard.com

10-13-2000, 10:18 AM

Let me share an experience that we had.

There was a couple that we were swinging with and he and my wife just seemed to be having more intimate of a relationship than I cared for. He would hug her for longer than I liked and kisses and feels and all those little things that we do for the ones we love.

It was really beginning to get to me at one point and so I told my wife about it. We discussed it in detail. We picked it apart in everyway we could. I felt better about it, but inside, I still was upset about it. So, again I had a discussion with my wife about it. At that point, I decided to discuss it with the other couple. I chose to discuss it with BOTH of them so that it would be out in the open for ALL of us and no one person could avoid it. After some discussion, he said to me that he was sorry about it. His wife also said that she was sure it was nothing.

Well, it turns out that he's just one of those extra 'affectionate' people. I've learned that he never meant our marriage any harm and that I was overreacting a bit. I must say, for a very jealous man, I did quite well. *Smiles*

So.. My advice to you is do the same thing I did. Sit down and thrash it out on the table with all of you there.

Husband of CyberMWCouple

Sweetdevil · 10-14-2000, 01:14 AM

CyberMWCouple,

I like the manner which you handled your concerns!

watcherone · 10-15-2000, 01:33 AM

I think you all are right on this. I have talked to both but not together. I would like to keep this three way going but if I hurt someones feeling by talking honestly to them then I guess I will have to see what happens and start from there. It isnt a problem of me being jealous or afraid of their relationship, it is just that we have always kept everything out in the open and it always made things run smoothly. He has put my wife in a position of either not telling me about his advances or telling me and possibly stopping the relationship. We have always gone on the thought that we would stop doing anything that hurt anyone involved.
You all really seem to have alot of this already figured out and I hope some of your ideas and strength will rub off on us. We have had to keep our lifestyle between ourselves and it is great to hear from you all who share this lifestyle. Thanks.

10-15-2000, 11:50 AM

You're welcome, watcherone! :-)

As for us, if there's any problem at all with the lifestyle that'll hurt or come between us, no matter what it is, we'd drop it REAL fast! Nothing is worth coming between our relationship! If it was causing this much frustration and pain, it's GONE! Only after hashing it out, however many times it takes, then MAYBE we'd consider the lifestyle again. But until then, we can do without the "troubles & headaches", or should I say "heartaches"...

Have you both considered searching for another male for your MFM's (at least till you both get this "matter" behind you and worked out for the better)? It's an option I'd think about. *VBS*

This is another reason why we chose to swing with Married/Secured relationship partners. Now that we've been with other couples, and have become good friends, even for non-sexual relationships/get togethers...We're talking about having 3somes (FMF or MFM) for a little spicing up in our sexual adventures as well. *VBS*

Good luck to both of you! ;-)

Wife of CyberMWCouple

watcherone · 10-16-2000, 12:24 AM

This is the first time I have had someone else's input on this. We have been in this for seven years and we have had to go blindly thru alot of things that creep up while you feel your way into it.
I am going to try to fix this one relatioship and if it feels okay then I will ask him to cum back in with the sexual side of the relationship. I feel that if the three of us work on it truthfully and honestly, it will continue one day.
As for anothe male partner, I am probably always looking for someone new to let into our private world. It is practically impossible to find someone nearby because of where we live. I have ideas but havent moved on anyone yet. She is not very open to others right now but if the right person comes around I am possitive she would jump at the chance to have someone inside her. She usually lets me do the hunting and puts up a front that she isnt interested, probably a little worried that she might show too much enthusiasm. I am anxious to move on to someone else and work on the friend problem over time. If it were to straighten out, who knows he may be game for a threesome while I watch two guys try to satisfy my wife. That would be even nicer.

poisonivy_44057 · 11-06-2000, 08:50 AM

Ending the relationship is the best thing to do, and discussing it with them is the next best, swinging needs to be done with openess and honesty.

------------------
Couple in NE Ohio ISO other couples and bi females, we love to have fun

LIZA · 11-06-2000, 07:17 PM

Watcher

I have a question for you. This will probably sound "wrong" and I will get more nasty emails directed at me, but whatever.

I am just curious why you would want to "fix" a relationship with a swinging partner? If it needs "fixing" why not move on? From your posts I gather you like to watch other men have sex with your wife? And this one man is pursuing your wife behind your back, trying to make their relationship more private?

Why fix THAT? Obviously he has developed feelings for her (as often happens when we are sexually intimate over a period of time)
There is no fixing that........There are SO many men out here that would jump at what you offer, why try and fix a relationship with him?

11-06-2000, 08:28 PM

I have to agree with Liza on this one.
If it's not working, and discussion has not worked, then it's time to move on.

Husband of CyberMWCouple

watcherone · 11-06-2000, 11:24 PM

You guys are right about ending it and moving on.This is what I guess my gut feeling is but since the guy has been a long time friend, I guess I thought I could salvage the friendship. There is so much psycology involved with sex and swinging and sometimes things cloud my mind. I guess if he had wanted to keep the friendship alive, he wouldnt have gone behind my back the way he did. At least my wife respects me enough to be honest or I may have never known and that would only stink up the whole thought of swinging.
It is hard to find guys that can handle and appreciate what we are into and hard to let one of them go. It must be harder than I thought for a guy to have sex with her and not try to get involved in other ways.I will have to keep that in mind from now on.

11-06-2000, 11:37 PM

watcherone...I'm glad for you too, that your wife stayed true & honest to your marriage! Good girl! *^5in her*

As for your "friend"...What kind of FRIEND is THAT?! *Shaking my head* Obviously, you're a better "friend" than he is, and it's HIS loss that he lost that respect that you had in this relationship, and maybe friendship as well...

Good luck & keep on plugging in with your search! There IS someone out there that'll respect both of you AND your marriage! *VBS*

Wife of CyberMWCouple

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10-08-2000, 12:32 AM	#1 (permalink)
watcherone Active Member Join Date: Oct 2000 Posts: 45 Location: West Virginia, USA	New partner is crossing the lines What would you do if a new partner began to get too close to one of you. By close I mean making private calls to your spouse and generally trying to privatise their relationship. When this happened to me, I stopped the relationship but have been catching alot of flack about that.

10-10-2000, 01:00 PM	#5 (permalink)
*JustAskJulie* Your Hostess Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 24,502 Location: In my House Status: Female Swing Lifestyle Name:swingersboard Blog Entries: 75	First off, I think this is something where you need to sit down and talk honestly with your wife and with your friend. First seperately then together. This may be a case where your wife gets upset but I really think it is a risk you have to take. Talk to your wife about what was going on with his calls and what not and how that bothered you, find out how she felt about it as well. If it didn't bother her, explain to her why it bothered you. That this is a swinging relationship and everything should be about the 3 of you not just two of you (unless it's you and and her). Explain these same factors to your friend. Let him know that you enjoy his friendship and that the swinging expansion of your frienship was great but that he crossed a line. If he can't handle this conversation then perhaps you should cut him off all together. If you can make him see where he stepped over the line then I would suggest you get all 3 of you together to sit down and set up some ground rules for what should and should not be going on in this relationship. Once you have all agreed to them then you can open the relationship back up to sex. If you can't all agree on them, then I would suggest you leave sex out of the picture and keep him as a friend. I think frienship is much more important than a swinging relationship. Neither your marriage or a good friendship are worth risking just to have someone to swing with. Julie http://www.swingersboard.com __________________ Julie Owner/ Admin http://www.swingersboard.com

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10-08-2000, 12:19 PM	#2 (permalink)
CyberMWCouple Posts: n/a	You were absolutely correct to stop the relationship. At least until the problems can be worked out. Husband of CyberMWCouple

10-08-2000, 04:44 PM	#3 (permalink)
Sweetdevil Here to Stay Join Date: Jul 2000 Posts: 132 Location: Clinton Twp., MI Status: Couple	I would tell the person making contact to stop or both physical and verbal contact woudl end. Also, I would mention that my spouse know of the contact. This will show that no one can come between you and your spouse, and you rules will not be broken. Sweetdevil

10-10-2000, 12:48 AM	#4 (permalink)
watcherone Active Member Join Date: Oct 2000 Posts: 45 Location: West Virginia, USA	The problem has been trying to stop his advances without gettin my wife upset and scaring the friend off. I still feel we can work thru it and get back to the good part(sex).When I let it be known that it was bothering me, my friend pulled away from us. I have since reopened the relationship but am affraid to ask him by for sex with us. I dont know if I would be opening another can of worms by getting heim and my wife together again. Where we live it is impossible to find a guy that we could trust to keep it discreet and who is in it for the right reasons. When some guys find that they can get alot of sex this way, they think it is a weakness on my part. Know what I mean?

10-13-2000, 10:18 AM	#6 (permalink)
CyberMWCouple Posts: n/a	Let me share an experience that we had. There was a couple that we were swinging with and he and my wife just seemed to be having more intimate of a relationship than I cared for. He would hug her for longer than I liked and kisses and feels and all those little things that we do for the ones we love. It was really beginning to get to me at one point and so I told my wife about it. We discussed it in detail. We picked it apart in everyway we could. I felt better about it, but inside, I still was upset about it. So, again I had a discussion with my wife about it. At that point, I decided to discuss it with the other couple. I chose to discuss it with BOTH of them so that it would be out in the open for ALL of us and no one person could avoid it. After some discussion, he said to me that he was sorry about it. His wife also said that she was sure it was nothing. Well, it turns out that he's just one of those extra 'affectionate' people. I've learned that he never meant our marriage any harm and that I was overreacting a bit. I must say, for a very jealous man, I did quite well. Smiles So.. My advice to you is do the same thing I did. Sit down and thrash it out on the table with all of you there. Husband of CyberMWCouple

10-14-2000, 01:14 AM	#7 (permalink)
Sweetdevil Here to Stay Join Date: Jul 2000 Posts: 132 Location: Clinton Twp., MI Status: Couple	CyberMWCouple, I like the manner which you handled your concerns!

10-15-2000, 01:33 AM	#8 (permalink)
watcherone Active Member Join Date: Oct 2000 Posts: 45 Location: West Virginia, USA	I think you all are right on this. I have talked to both but not together. I would like to keep this three way going but if I hurt someones feeling by talking honestly to them then I guess I will have to see what happens and start from there. It isnt a problem of me being jealous or afraid of their relationship, it is just that we have always kept everything out in the open and it always made things run smoothly. He has put my wife in a position of either not telling me about his advances or telling me and possibly stopping the relationship. We have always gone on the thought that we would stop doing anything that hurt anyone involved. You all really seem to have alot of this already figured out and I hope some of your ideas and strength will rub off on us. We have had to keep our lifestyle between ourselves and it is great to hear from you all who share this lifestyle. Thanks.

10-15-2000, 11:50 AM	#9 (permalink)
CyberMWCouple Posts: n/a	You're welcome, watcherone! :-) As for us, if there's any problem at all with the lifestyle that'll hurt or come between us, no matter what it is, we'd drop it REAL fast! Nothing is worth coming between our relationship! If it was causing this much frustration and pain, it's GONE! Only after hashing it out, however many times it takes, then MAYBE we'd consider the lifestyle again. But until then, we can do without the "troubles & headaches", or should I say "heartaches"... Have you both considered searching for another male for your MFM's (at least till you both get this "matter" behind you and worked out for the better)? It's an option I'd think about. VBS This is another reason why we chose to swing with Married/Secured relationship partners. Now that we've been with other couples, and have become good friends, even for non-sexual relationships/get togethers...We're talking about having 3somes (FMF or MFM) for a little spicing up in our sexual adventures as well. VBS Good luck to both of you! ;-) Wife of CyberMWCouple

10-16-2000, 12:24 AM	#10 (permalink)
watcherone Active Member Join Date: Oct 2000 Posts: 45 Location: West Virginia, USA	This is the first time I have had someone else's input on this. We have been in this for seven years and we have had to go blindly thru alot of things that creep up while you feel your way into it. I am going to try to fix this one relatioship and if it feels okay then I will ask him to cum back in with the sexual side of the relationship. I feel that if the three of us work on it truthfully and honestly, it will continue one day. As for anothe male partner, I am probably always looking for someone new to let into our private world. It is practically impossible to find someone nearby because of where we live. I have ideas but havent moved on anyone yet. She is not very open to others right now but if the right person comes around I am possitive she would jump at the chance to have someone inside her. She usually lets me do the hunting and puts up a front that she isnt interested, probably a little worried that she might show too much enthusiasm. I am anxious to move on to someone else and work on the friend problem over time. If it were to straighten out, who knows he may be game for a threesome while I watch two guys try to satisfy my wife. That would be even nicer.

11-06-2000, 08:50 AM	#11 (permalink)
poisonivy_44057 Registered Join Date: Nov 2000 Posts: 9 Location: Madison, Ohio/Lake County	Ending the relationship is the best thing to do, and discussing it with them is the next best, swinging needs to be done with openess and honesty. ------------------ Couple in NE Ohio ISO other couples and bi females, we love to have fun

11-06-2000, 07:17 PM	#12 (permalink)
LIZA Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jul 2000 Posts: 426 Location: ORANGE COUNTY, CA Status: Married Fem.	Watcher I have a question for you. This will probably sound "wrong" and I will get more nasty emails directed at me, but whatever. I am just curious why you would want to "fix" a relationship with a swinging partner? If it needs "fixing" why not move on? From your posts I gather you like to watch other men have sex with your wife? And this one man is pursuing your wife behind your back, trying to make their relationship more private? Why fix THAT? Obviously he has developed feelings for her (as often happens when we are sexually intimate over a period of time) There is no fixing that........There are SO many men out here that would jump at what you offer, why try and fix a relationship with him?

11-06-2000, 08:28 PM	#13 (permalink)
CyberMWCouple Posts: n/a	I have to agree with Liza on this one. If it's not working, and discussion has not worked, then it's time to move on. Husband of CyberMWCouple

11-06-2000, 11:24 PM	#14 (permalink)
watcherone Active Member Join Date: Oct 2000 Posts: 45 Location: West Virginia, USA	You guys are right about ending it and moving on.This is what I guess my gut feeling is but since the guy has been a long time friend, I guess I thought I could salvage the friendship. There is so much psycology involved with sex and swinging and sometimes things cloud my mind. I guess if he had wanted to keep the friendship alive, he wouldnt have gone behind my back the way he did. At least my wife respects me enough to be honest or I may have never known and that would only stink up the whole thought of swinging. It is hard to find guys that can handle and appreciate what we are into and hard to let one of them go. It must be harder than I thought for a guy to have sex with her and not try to get involved in other ways.I will have to keep that in mind from now on.

11-06-2000, 11:37 PM	#15 (permalink)
CyberMWCouple Posts: n/a	watcherone...I'm glad for you too, that your wife stayed true & honest to your marriage! Good girl! ^5in her As for your "friend"...What kind of FRIEND is THAT?! Shaking my head Obviously, you're a better "friend" than he is, and it's HIS loss that he lost that respect that you had in this relationship, and maybe friendship as well... Good luck & keep on plugging in with your search! There IS someone out there that'll respect both of you AND your marriage! VBS Wife of CyberMWCouple