Husband met them before and didn't tell me

[chinadoll]

Hi all. I just wanted to say that I am so happy I found this board. It has been a huge help. I do have a problem I am sorry to say, and I need some advice....We are new to swinging (I am the female in the marriage)...very new and had only talked to one couple online a few times and over the phone. We agreed to meet them last night, and I liked them and so did my other half. I found out yesterday before we went to meet them though, that my hubby went behind my back, and has talked to the female of the other couple over the phone a few times, online, and they met in person!! He says they didn't do anything, he just wanted to put a face with the name and voice. He met her on this last Friday... then we just went and met them as a couple last night (which was Sunday). I went through with meeting them last night knowing that hubby had already met her (the other lady) and I was so mad that I was going to blow it all out of the water at our meeting. Then I thought better of it. Then, as it turned out, I actually like the other couple. So, needless to say, I feel hurt and betrayed to say the least. After the other couple left last night, I approached hubby about the situation while still at the bar, and we talked about it. I started the conversation with..."Do you have something you want to tell me about you and (other lady)?" He denied at first...then admitted. I guess he met her while I was at the doctor's office. He could have been with me on that day for support instead. He must have called her the immediately after I walked out the door. I still have questions for him, but I have a problem now believing anything he says. I have trust issues with people after they lie to me. So, any thoughts on what to do here? All advise is greatly appreciated as I am really in agony here.

[Miss_Piggy]

If you were both going to meet the couple anyway, why didn't he just tell you everything from the beginning?

This seems very strange to me...

[chinadoll]

Thanks for the reply Miss Piggy, love the name also. I agree. What also seems strange is that at the same time we created our profile on our first swingers site...the other couple did also within a day or two. He says that it was a coinsidence, but how can I believe him. If we had decided to go at this all together, why should he have gone behind my back and met her without me knowing? Was it wrong or am I getting to upset over something small?

[lovedoctor]

Originally Posted by chinadoll

If we had decided to go at this all together, why should he have gone behind my back and met her without me knowing?

Exactly. - Sounds like it has left you wondering if the two of them were having an affair?

If this were me, I would have a problem with the situation too. The plans for swinging need to be put on hold and ya'all need to solve the communication problems first. In my opinion. Honesty and openness are of the utmost importance before you go further.

[good times]

I was thinking something similar to Lovedoctor, I think it would bother me as much or more that the spouse of the other couple was willing to meet my partner alone as it is pretty universally agreed that this is not done in the lifestyle with people you both haven't met yet.

[chinadoll]

Yes, it has left me wondering about a possible affair of some kind. Our profile was created at the same time as theirs on the swingers site. I have never had to go through this in a relationship. Why do I feel in a sense that even if they only met once, that he cheated? Also, I don't think her husband knows. Should I tell him? Should I have my hubby tell the other lady that I know? I did like the couple...should we still be friends? As you can see...I have so many questions. I am a bit lost. Thanks again for the replies.

[lovedoctor]

Who's idea was it to start swinging and how did you get directed to the website you signed up for? If you had little or no input into that, then I would be extremely interested to talk to the other husband about how they became interested. But I would want to do it all right out in the open with the 4 of you present. Still, you can't just come out with the other couple about what your suspicions are. If they are unfounded, you would probably just alienate them as potential partners.

You could meet for dinner and casually bring up those questions. If he says that it was all her idea, then you may be onto something with your suspicions.

Or, you could just let it go as a lesson learned in communication - especially if you don't feel strongly that something was going on prior to your signing up and meeting them on line. Yet you might always wonder: "Was it my imagination or was it just bad judgement on his part?" - Frankly, I would have a problem with this woman agreeing to meet him without you, no matter how nice she turned out to be. That makes her a little untrustworthy to begin with. You could always tell your husband that you could have difficulty playing with them based on that issue, and that you need to find another couple. See how he reacts. (Hey, we have feminine wiles, why not use them?)

In any event, I would try to sort it out before you decide to progress with this couple (or any couple) as swing partners. And I would cover the "rules" once again. If your husband just made an honest mistake, he may take a lot of training prior to your going forward with swinging.

[jnaswinging]

This message was posted by chinadoll...I accidentally used a different username. Sorry for the confusion!!

Well, to answer your questions, it seems that hubby found the website from looking around on the net. It is a common website, so I am sure that it was easy to find. He did tell me that he created a profile on a site, but I didn't think much of it. One night I was taking a nap, and woke up and he said he was talking to the man in the other relationship, and to look. I did and I talked to him for a bit. I didn't really know much about the site and hadn't even seen it yet. He had a profile on there for about a week or so before I knew of it. He never really showed it to me until I woke up that night and he was talking to the other guy. When we were at the bar last night, the other lady mentioned that her hubby had created a profile on the same site and when she got home one night, he says "Look what I did honey!" then he showed her the profile he created. This was mentioned in passing and I am not sure how he found the site.
As far as alienating them as potential partners, I am not so sure that is a bad idea since she went behind my back also, it seems I can't trust her either. If that's the case, do I really want these people as friends? Let alone partners.
I do feel that it isn't fair that the man in the other couple doesn't know about any of this, but I don't feel that it's my place to say anything. I don't know if they are the type of people that are able to sit down and have a civilized conversation about this either. So I don't know how I would feel about asking them to dinner to talk about all this. I would really like for him to know, he feels the same way about this lifestyle. That it should be done as a couple and there should be no secrets or lies. It doesn't seem right either that she should be able to go behind my back and her bf's, and not have to suffer any consequences either.

[chinadoll]

Concerning message from jnaswinging!!
Sorry for the confusion all. I created my own profile for the site and the last post from jnaswinging, was me. I guess it was set to remember the name we have together and I didn't want to use that one. Hope I didn't confuse anyone.

[OttawaCuple]

Hi chinadoll,

I really feel for you.

Unfortunately, my gut feeling is that your husband and the other woman have been having a clandestine relationship and have got you and her husband to agree to swinging to facilitate their relationship (it's easier to hide a relationship that "appears" to be out in the open).

From my experience (yes, personal experience - until I realized what was going on and broke off from the guy, I was the unwitting "other woman" in a that's-what-the-wife-was-made-to-believe-it-was threesome), if you go along with swinging with them, the four of you MAY swing together sometimes, but don't be surprised if your husband continues to pursue a private relationship with her.

You need to really sit down with your husband and find out what's going on. Don't be afraid to let him know how hurt you are and how it's destroyed your trust in him.

(I'd even go so far as to insist that due to his sneaking around, that that couple is off-limits .... you'll never be able to trust that he's not seeing her behind your back.)

MrsOttawaCuple

[chinadoll]

I want to talk to him badly Ottawa, but he isn't that talking type. If they were doing something before all of this, I don't know how I would find out. If I ask him, and he says no, which he already has, how can I believe him now that he has lied to me? I might be able to use lies to get him to tell me, but then I am just as bad as he is. I can't thank you all enough for replies, you have no idea how much it helps me.

[OttawaCuple]

Chinadoll, I'm curious: Was swinging your idea or your husbands?

If it was your husband's, why did you go along with it? Were you also interested in it or did you agree to it because your husband wanted to do it?

In re-reading your posts, I get the feeling that he just sort of sprang the profile on you and that you and he never really talked about swinging before the profile was posted.

MrsOttawaCuple

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by chinadoll

I want to talk to him badly Ottawa, but he isn't that talking type. If they were doing something before all of this, I don't know how I would find out. If I ask him, and he says no, which he already has, how can I believe him now that he has lied to me? I might be able to use lies to get him to tell me, but then I am just as bad as he is. I can't thank you all enough for replies, you have no idea how much it helps me.

Well, the premise all swingers will tell you over and over is "talk, talk, and once tired of talking, keep talking". You need to talk EVERITHING with your couple before engaging in swinging, and all along the way. Every tought, every shade of doubt, every bit of fear have to be spoken and listened.

If you hubby isn't "the talking type" to the point that you cannot bring up an issue that geopardize your marriage so badly... then forget about swinging (moreover, I bet that the trat of forgetting about this will turn him into "the talking type" of guy).

As for me, this particular couple should be put "off limits". If he isn't the "talking type", then he wouldn't talk back about this... and if he does, they he already turned into the "talking type". Don't let him be a discretional "talking type", one who talks only when can take an adventage and doesn't when the topic frigthens his interests. All or nothing.

As for us, we have the freedom to speak with whoverer we want to talk without requiring the other permission, but we take the care of letting know the other that we did. Moreover, under our very personal rules, we are very respectfull of each other privacy, we agree every one have the right to have a private conversation with other people and it's a matter of choice to disclose it or not... but these are OUR rules, based on our degree of mutual trust, and we both feel confortable with our current rules.

It isn't the case, and he cannot claim it to become the case. You already have your rules (I hope you made these explicit), and he BROKE an existing rule, and worst, without your knowledge nor aproval in advance. So... why he wouldn't break other rules as well?

It doesn't care his motivations, if he's having an affair or if he isn't. It doesn't care if he is being honest with you about his motivations. He already screwed it up, and he must know he screwed up big time as to ensure he will follow the rules from now and on. He minated you confidence on his hability to preserve your marriage and protect you inside a swinging scenario, and that turned such an scenario into a very dangerous one for you. Unless reasured about his habilities, I wouldn't swing at all.

[apex]

Why not just tell hubby you're not comfortable with this couple because of the meeting he had with the other partner. I'd also tell him if he is ever caught in another situation like this swinging is off. There are plently of compatible couples out there so that should not be a problem; the problem is if he doesn't keep you informed and you feel you are not a equal partner in the swinging equation.

[wolfnblu]

Unfortunately, my gut feeling is that your husband and the other woman have been having a clandestine relationship and have got you and her husband to agree to swinging to facilitate their relationship (it's easier to hide a relationship that "appears" to be out in the open).

Ditto that, sorry.