First Swap! DH forgot OUR rules! What to do??

[Tempest419]

Hi there papl... I just wanted to add my two cents in as a newbie and as someone who had a similarly upsetting experience just a little over a week ago.

First of all... your feelings are hurt, and I think that all you really want--instead of an apology from your husband or advice from people here--is for someone to validate how you feel. No one has really done that; in fact, people have called you into question and defended your husband (with good reason, mind you) but it doesn't seem anyone was attentive to how you feel about this. It's okay--your feelings cannot be rationalized, compartmentalized or discarded. They are what they are, and they don't have to make sense. Emotions in a marriage rarely do.

There are people on this board who will insult you and the structural integrity of your marriage because you are new and still dealing with boundaries and issues of jealousy. These folks have much more experience and many more years on you or I and I think it's easy to forget what it's like to be new. As far as I'm concerned, if your husband initially tells you he wants to sleep with other women and you have no reaction to this... you're probably not so much an enlightened being as you are emotionally numb. It's just not human. I have those aquaintances, and they aren't much fun.

People who start questioning the integrity and reasoning for your rules is going too far. Some people want to keep things to themselves as a couple, and that's okay too. I am not at the stage where I want to fall into bed with whoever and say "anything goes" either... quite frankly, from what I've seen on this board that's not even a SAFE way to play. There are women on this board who have been violated and physically harmed because (from what I observed) there were no rules and clear communication on what is okay, either that or they have been doing it for so long they just don't have any rules. It's a very sticky game for women in several ways, and you should play as you are comfortable.

As for scorekeeping... oh yes, everyone is scorekeeping. I got with a girlfriend first and I caught all kinds of personal (that I was selfish) and marital insults (that my marriage was second to my bisexual friend) on my husband's thread because I wouldn't allow him to just run off alone with the first twat that presented itself the next week.

All I can do is reiterate that it sounds to me like your husband tried to get away from the chick, so if you believe him, then forgive and forget. Also try to remember that YOU were enjoying yourself as well to a certain point, and that you can have fun together again.

And, you are right about perhaps sticking with threesomes instead of couple swapping. It's working out very well for us with two trusted singles right now, and it feels more personal. You know what they say... three's a company and four's a crowd. It is indeed more personal with three and if you are okay with that, then go back to it.

Good luck to you and feel free to send me a note.

Tempest

[KittKatt]

what would u have done if u were trying to get that last stroke in before he cam and u didnt get off or out in time before the load was released into ur mouth or else wheres? what would u say or do? after all u were just having fun and enjoying the sexual activitie that u were both enjoying only u missed judge ur time on the guy. would u tell him? or just quick and say honey he cam in me i sorry. or say i was having fun and didnt get off in time and caught his load. i believe in rules and holding up to them. but this rule is one that is sure to be broken by both partys and not intentionaly.but by be caught up in the moment of pure hard sex. i can say if i were ur hubby i would tell u that i was sorry and do everything to show my love to u. also i would afraid to swing again in fear of hurting because from my past swinging experience every situation is going to be different. just remember it is all for fun and to just have fun and enjoy each other. take care you two will be fine.

[pacpl4funn]

Well to be honest, in all the 3sums we've done, I never let myself get that out of control, the other guy always knew that there was no cumming in my mouth or inside me, and if I was on top, and he said he was getting close, then I would finish him off with my hands. In 3 years of playing, there has not been anyone except my husband to cum in my mouth or inside me. Why ? Because I love and respect my husband.

In closing this chapter on this situation is,

Had I saw the movment of him lifting her off (as he said he did) then our rule wouldn't have been broken, however I didn't see it. And I'm tired of having my eyes called a liar.

What's done is done, there is no going back to re-do it.


I do have a question that I'm kinda reluctant to ask,

[chastityrings]

Don't feel that anyone is judging you, you have asked for advice and have gotton opinions, what you do with those is is completley up to you. You have rules, sometimes rules get broken, and so do hearts, please forgive and move on (I won't say forget) for your own sake. I'm sure no one meant to make you feel like a liar, they are just trying to understand and help.
And I would'nt be afraid to ask another question, you may get some very good advice, or at least see some different angles.
best to you
xxx
chastityr

[KittKatt]

hi pac i hope i didnt upset u. that was not my intention. just help u look at different views. and possible help u cope with out anymore hurt. like i said accidents happen in the heat of the moment. hurting a womans feelings is not on my list nor do i see it ur husbands either. i know from experience the hurt u feel when the other breaks a rule. it has happen to me(im kitt) she is katt. but i look at it on a different view to see what went wrong. we both learned and talked about it and it hasnt happend again nor will it. we still love each other nothing has change. we still play and sense we were so new at it we look at the swingers lifestyle different then we did before. it is a game to us. we have fun. and we have greaten or sex life with each other. all the factor that we were searching for. when we started we didnt know what to expect. what the other might think if the sex sounded hotter than our own. but we see now it is all about having fun. the experience we both share with other people. and the fact that we are closer to each other now than we have ever been with anyone we have been with before coooollll. i get off my soap box hope i helped u and didnt hurt u in anyway. have fun cause we do. and what is ur question ask away talk to u later

kitt

[twobears]

Hi everyone, we are still new, have done alot of solf-swing(no intercourse) we are going slow because of me (female). I know that none of us enjoy the steps sometimes that only experience can give us. I would not regert one sad tear I have had in the last year and half for this lifestyle will help you to love each other more. I had a no kissing rule and guess who in a second without even for a flash realized what I had done until my lips touch his. Swinging was my idea for the bi-experience I wanted but could not admitt to myself or even realized it until later. I feel having a FFM with your husband is a good way to start or try next time. This board is the best place to learn, great people on here. Sorry, trying to get a man to control his timing, is I feel is alot to expert but I know how you feel. My husband and I have sex just before or close to the time we are to play, this helps him last longer and of course we are hot just thinking about our partner having sex with another. The one time we didn't and we went to play he cum early during the play time and I didn't know it or realize it and this was the first time another man had oral sex with me and the play partner was in my view. While the other couple was having intercourse later, I was trying to get my hubby hard and he stopped me and we watched them. Later in the evening as we talked , I feeled so betrayed and hurt. We talked about what we both should have said to each other and I keep looking at why I felt this way. I got over the hurt only when and because I really wanted too and because we keep talking honestly to each other knowing that the other WOULD NOT WILLINGLY HURT THE OTHER .(trust) I still have lots of steps to make, keep going and learn to express the deep love you have for each other by being able to forgive. My hubby has a saying "bury the bone " and go on with your lifestyle. Good Luck Surrender

[pacpl4funn]

Good Morning, I know I haven't been back to reply or properly post a thanks, I had hoped to do so sooner, but sadly I hadn't the time, I re-read all the posts so I can hopfully do so.

To everyone, wether your post was helpful or critical of me (personally) I do sincerely thank each and everyone for expressing your view.

My 'out-look' on swinging may or may not be the same as we are all different and have many different opinions as to why we are here and involved in this lifestyle to begin with.

Swinging has it's own meaning to each person. And we are no different. AND from "everything" I have read, learned and discovered in these past 3 years, it takes alot of trust, commitment, communication, compasion, care, and yes... boundaries.. These boundaries are there to protect and hopefully preserve the relationship that means the most to you.

In commited relationships, this relationship should be the # 1 priority to both people, however when "swinging" and or "getting some" becomes the "main goal" then that's where "issues" can and will arrise.

We are all human and bound to make our share of mistakes, it's what that person does AFTER he/she has made the mistake or hurt the one he/she loves that makes all the difference in how the wounded person can heal.

In closing, I hope that everyone that has more experience in this lifestyle would continue to keep more of an open mind AND heart for the new less experienced people who are trying to find THEIR WAY....

"Live.... Learn..... & .... Love"

[montresor]

Ay-yi-yi! My head is spinning from all this! It seems like it should be so simple.

I wish Mrs pacpl4funn had started her tale with the information that it's:

A) Hubby who proposed swinging.

B) Hubby who thought up these ridiculous rules.

C) Hubby who freaked when he saw her getting into it more than he was comfortable with.

With that in mind, it's easy to see why Mrs pacpl, having had to rein in her newly awakened passion for swinging the past three years, went kablooey when she saw Hubby blowing a load in his partner's face, in apparent contradiction of the Rules.

Mrs is told, no kissing, no coming inside her pussy, no coming inside her mouth. A guy coming on her belly or breasts is, apparently, okay, but some guy better not come on her face! And by the way, don't look like you're really getting into it, because Hubby's fragile ego will collapse like a house of cards.

Sweetie, how do you feel about these things? Would you like to kiss a swing playmate who's making love with you? Taste his cum or feel it pumping inside you? Did you enjoy letting go when Hubby claimed he wanted to see just that? You have said you're willing to abide by the rules but you haven't said if you like abiding by them.

Our past experiences will shape us, and if we're not careful, we can find that we're being shaped in ways that may not be right for us. Your story about how you met your husband, and the types of relationships you had before, raises a red flag for me. After so many "cheaters and beaters," you find a good guy you really care for and you don't want to lose him. Sure, why not give swinging a try if it'll make him happy?

But now you find you kind of like it! Right about the same time Hubby discovers he doesn't exactly like it as much as he thought he would.

You sound like a happy, healthy woman caught in a set of contradictory demands, all emanating from one source. You're being asked to have hot sex but don't like it too much; to get naked and let a naked man be inside you but don't let him come there; be intimate with a man but don't let your lips touch. Et cetera!

Everybody wants to control everybody else. It's a kitchen-tested recipe for coming to grief.

[twoplayful2]

It almost seems like some rules are set up just for the purpose of testing each other out.

[pacpl4funn]

OMG! Damn, Montresor, you actually read what I was attempting to convay !

After the life I had, and out of the blue, us finding eachother, making a life together, I had bliss.... everything I wanted, who says "fairy tales' don't come true??? Found the man of my dreams after years of nightmares.
Having had nothing but unfaithful cheaters, drinkers, and women beaters all my life, meeting him, falling inlove, taking that breth of air in sheer relief, finally to have a man in my life that would be toe-tickling inlove with me, and want to be with just ME......... Not to say that we didn't have our own share of hurdles just getting together, we did. Distance, kids, jobs, ex's...

I knew he had the interest in swinging when we were 'corting' but I never took it seriously, thinking it was his way of appearing open minded and 'cool' because I had confided in him that I had once done a 3sum with a former b/f that had disastrous results to my life ! And that I never wanted to repeat that in fear of the same type of outcome (or worse)

(I explained to him that I was separated, on the rebound, got involved with this guy, fell inlove with him, got pregnant with twins, he got drunk one night and beat the shit beat out of me while I was pregnant, put me in the hospital, then he abandoned me!! Then when I delivered my twins, my daughter was born blue and my son was very sick.)

He really seemed to understand, or so I thought, after we moved in and eventually got married, he began talking about the 3sum, telling me if it had been handled properly when it occured and I wasn't made to feel so dirty afterwards, regardless of the subsquent events that followed. I might have enjoyed it. More so, pressing the issue that if I did this with a man that 'truly' loved me (HIM), that the results would be better....... That I should NOT punish him for someone else's mistakes!

Boy that really made me think, made me want to research swinging, I wanted to learn as much as I could so I could make a clear choice...

I was very VERY scared of being used and hurt again.

So after reading everything I could and talking to him over and over trying to figure out 'why' he wanted this, what his 'goal' was. I really needed him to NOT want this just so he could fuck other women.... As I made this clear that if he only wanted 'this' so he could be with other women, then I wanted no part of this or him.... More so, I needed to know that he wanted to explore 'this' for 'US'.....

The more I read, the more I learned, the more I understood that this really could be a fun way to explore and open up on a sexual level..... So I agreed to give this a shot, but also asking him if there was anything that he didn't want to happen if we did eventually play with other people. I wanted us to aproach this with caution and so did he, and thats how and who initated the no kissing or cumming rule.

You asked and stated;

Mrs is told, no kissing, no coming inside her pussy, no coming inside her mouth. A guy coming on her belly or breasts is, apparently, okay, but some guy better not come on her face!

Yes he said no kissing, no comming inside me or in my mouth, etc.~ but as he stated after the swap, "I didn't think it applied to me cause they didn't have any rules on no cumming"..... So to me, this was a direct violation of HIS rules and more of a "Do as I say, NOT as I do" type of thing.....

And by the way, don't look like you're really getting into it, because Hubby's fragile ego will collapse like a house of cards.

Yes, as we partisipated in the mfm 3sums, he was fine as long as I came away with the mixed feelings afterwards, but the very 3sum I felt totally relaxed and truly had a good time, and wasn't 'suffering' afterwards, he pulled the emergency break, wants no more swinging, 'ever'.... tells me he didn't feel comfortable, thought I was enjoying the other guy more, he didn't like his dirty talk, ie; using the words... slut, whore...etc... At that moment, I felt like I was being punished for finally having a good time.... It took me time to get to that point or level and have it ripped away at such a critial moment.

We've had 2 mfm 3sums and that full swap since then and I'm back to not enjoying myself, I'm afraid that he'll be hurt or upset again if I do have fun and let myself enjoy it again..... I have expressed my fear of him being hurt that if I do have fun, he says that he wants me to have fun, to enjoy myself, just that, that one guy really made him feel UNcomfortable, and that he really didn't pull the plug cause I had fun.

I've had my taste of swinging and I do like it, and would like to do more as I'm comfortable.... He's opened up a door for me and I'm just scared that once he see's me truly having fun like before that he'll get freaked out and slam it shut again.....

Sweetie, how do you feel about these things? Would you like to kiss a swing playmate who's making love with you? Taste his cum or feel it pumping inside you? Did you enjoy letting go when Hubby claimed he wanted to see just that? You have said you're willing to abide by the rules but you haven't said if you like abiding by them.

Yes I love to kiss, it's just something that is so hot and so senusal, I find myself resisting the urge to kiss the man that is having sex with me. Would I like to taste him cum? god yes.... Feeling it punp deep inside of me? yes! Kissing and Cumming is soooo natural and makes everything feel so complete. But I refrain from my wants and natural uges because I know this is something he is NOT ok with. So whereas I am showing respect for him in controling myself or my desires, so yes 'kablooey' it shocked the hell out of me to see him smack me in the face with his double standard.....

And even now when we talk about the rules, he insists that my mouth and insides are for him.... but then when I say 'ok' then this rule must apply to him as well, he gets argumentive and tells me if the other cpl doesn't have an issue with him cumming, then why do I......

In attempting to get us both on the same page for cumming, I told him, if he feels these rules should not apply to him, then the rules need to go..... LOL Boy! He did a real quick about-face, reafirming that he was still allowed 'body shots'? I said, sure.... external cumming has never been an issue. LOL However the internal cumming is an issue.. and that if he expects other men to abide by HIS rule, and respect it.... then he too must abide and respect it....

So I think we're somewhat clear on the cumming rule, I'd be happy to see it go, but he's not ready to have another man fill my mouth. LOL

Maybe in time.......

thanks again Montresor for showing such indepth analysis, you are very intuitive.......