Let Wife's boss touch her while she was passed out

[Vespertine]

What I can't understand is why would someone admit to doing such a reprehensible thing to his wife in a public forum and in his very first post too....

*Cough*

A subject worthy of discussion, however. It's interesting to see the varying opinions. The scenerio the OP has conjured up does happen, and it serves as a reminder for us to remember to not get so inebriated that we're unable to protect ourselves, or our loved ones. Unless of course that type of thing turns you on.

[jr555666]

Because this was the only way to do so totally anonymously and i had read some other posts and everyone seemed to be genuienly concerned about issues and i knew i would get advice/admonished etc and not get the usual internet ... replies about the sex side of it. I know it was bad that you are all correct about. I'm not looking to get out of anything. I was looking for some thoughts on how to best handle a situation I created by my own terrible acts and go forward. I do thank those of you who took time to write and voice your opinions and I understand that what I did was horribly wrong.

[tribbles]

Biblonde, you missed my point. No where did I say that what happened to me was right and nowhere did I say that what the OP did was right. They happened though. And I disagree that being molested = permanent damage. As a child how can one tell if a BATH given by a nurse or being touched by a stranger in a white coat is the molesting? If no physical pain is felt, how does a child tell the difference? I was more traumatized by them accidentally letting me see the surgeons’ tools. For me, at age 5, there just wasn’t a big imprint about being touched. I sure as heck don’t feel guilty for not feeling tarnished. I WAS 5. That was 42 years ago. Maybe I was lucky since I can’t tell that it caused any lasting emotional damage.

Also, in no place did I post that what the hubby did was ok. I never got the impression the guy came to this board to be beat up over what he knew was wrong. Does it help anyone to be told over and over that they are a jerk? I got the impression he wanted help in figuring out why he allowed it and what to do. The advice to tell the wife is good, no doubt this is something they will have to work through. But is it enough to cause irreparable damage to their relationship? Should it be? I see it as an opportunity for growth. He can learn more of who he is, and find ways to avoid behaving in a way that is wrong in the future. If he has no clue why he did it, what will he do next time? Will he know how to avoid a repeat of the behavior?

Everyone I know has at some point in life done stupid things that emotionally hurt someone else. The best way to grow from it (for me anyway) is to be able to figure out what the heck I was feeling/thinking at the time. And I encourage others to also. I'm also a big believer in forgiving others and myself for being a screwed up human on a planet on the far edge of the universe.

You want me to get into the real world biblonde? The world we are in is more like hell than heaven, imo. I do indeed view what is permanent damage, especially physical, as different from the line the OP crossed. Both the wife and hubby and boss are adults, able to use coping skills to learn and grow and get past the experience. No harm that can’t be coped with occurred unless they make it so. Permanent damage is Female Genital Mutilation and bombs that blow off body parts and…well…I hope you get the idea. And humans are amazing that even some of those who are damaged by FGM and bombs and other damage, find ways to cope and have lives that are full of moments of happiness.

Vespertine posted:
The scenerio the OP has conjured up does happen, and it serves as a reminder for us to remember to not get so inebriated that we're unable to protect ourselves, or our loved ones. Unless of course that type of thing turns you on. It is good to remember alcohol affects everyone even in small amounts.

Thanks to WildMiCouple for hearing what my meaning was.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by jr555666

Because this was the only way to do so totally anonymously and i had read some other posts and everyone seemed to be genuienly concerned about issues and i knew i would get advice/admonished etc and not get the usual internet ... replies about the sex side of it. I know it was bad that you are all correct about. I'm not looking to get out of anything. I was looking for some thoughts on how to best handle a situation I created by my own terrible acts and go forward. I do thank those of you who took time to write and voice your opinions and I understand that what I did was horribly wrong.

Wow man, you've got guts. You took the verbal ass-kicking of a lifetime on here. And yes, I took my shot too. Glad that you understand the magnitude of what you've done. It's the first step. Frankly, I don't know how you'll bring it up to her, but you really do have to do it. I can, however, tell you what to expect. You can likely expect her to think you're joking at first. Then when she realizes you're serious, watch as she pulls her shirt closer over her chest in a protective fashion, run for the bathroom, puke in the toilet (if she makes it that far), and spend about 3 hours in the shower. She was raped. She is NOT going to take that very well. You may or may not get to sleep on the couch - the alternative being the curb. She may very well want to end the relationship. Life is all about choices and living with their consequences. Doesn't seem fair sometimes, but nobody said life had to be fair. If she chooses to forgive you (don't expect this anytime soon - in fact, don't expect it at all), realize that your relationship may change drastically. She will no longer feel safe with you, and you will have to do a lot of suffering and hard work to earn back her trust...and it may never pay off. I'm sorry if I'm painting a grim picture, but it is reality. If you two can work through this, I'd say you'd have yourselves a really rock-solid relationship to show for it.

[twoplayful2]

This may sound very UN-politically correct but I think that not only most men wouldn't have even close to that reaction, but a lot of women wouldn't take it that way either. I think the letdown will be in the area of trust and that he's taken so long to tell her already. She might very well be pissed, but I don't think it's necessarily true that she's going to feel as if she was raped. Depends on the person, people react differently and this isn't a violation that is so far out there that it's a sure thing she will feel that way. My opinion.

Regardless, I think the guy needs to fess up on it and take his lumps, whatever they may be. IMHO marriages are continuouly either getting stronger or weaker, and hiding things like this definitely isn't making anything stronger. Deal with it and in time things will improve or perhaps they will go the other way, but it still needs to be dealt with or things already are going the other way.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by twoplayful2

This may sound very UN-politically correct but I think that not only most men wouldn't have even close to that reaction, but a lot of women wouldn't take it that way either. I think the letdown will be in the area of trust and that he's taken so long to tell her already. She might very well be pissed, but I don't think it's necessarily true that she's going to feel as if she was raped. Depends on the person, people react differently and this isn't a violation that is so far out there that it's a sure thing she will feel that way. My opinion.

Regardless, I think the guy needs to fess up on it and take his lumps, whatever they may be. IMHO marriages are continuouly either getting stronger or weaker, and hiding things like this definitely isn't making anything stronger. Deal with it and in time things will improve or perhaps they will go the other way, but it still needs to be dealt with or things already are going the other way.

Ok, I guess I should've added that if it were me being told that my fat, ugly old boss got to fondle and suck on my breasts while I lay there unconscious and helpless while my husband not only stood by, but actually enabled the arsehole to do so, that would be my reaction exactly. Maybe others would be a little more forgiving, but I would feel absolutely used, disrespected, violated, embarrassed, ashamed...and above all very, very hurt and abandonned.

However, I do agree with your opinion that marriages are constantly changing for the better or the worse. Yes, not telling her is counter-productive.

[tribbles]

I wouldn't feel as strongly as intuition897 does. (I think most figured that out).

Nice to hear from you twoplayful2. I do agree marriages either get stronger or wearker and it takes lots of effort to keep making one stronger.

[themonster]

ok.....you reeled me in....I think this is being blown WAAAAAY out of proportion. This is really quite simple: wife makes error in judgement(gets sloshed out of control at a business related social event(or anywhere for that matter)), boss makes error in judgement(eyes/makes advancements toward employee in a sexual way), husband makes error in judgement(allows wifes boobs to be seen/touched without her permission).
......were they all the wrong things to do, of course, but please, let's try to use some perspective here!!! I once (ok, maybe a couple times) banged someone out of drunken stupidity(error in judgement) that I would have under no circumstances ever done if I had my full faculties about me. I was a little pissed the next day that I had done it, but that's about it. Sure, I coulda been pissed at my friends(which in college are about the equivalent to a spouse ) for letting it happen, and could've felt violated and I suppose I could've even taken a 3 hour shower, but I find it's best to put things in perspective properly.

I still have all 4 limbs(thank you), my home is still standing strong(thank you), and at least for the moment I can still afford to put gas in my car which is still running well(thank you, thank you).

Again to wrap up, 3 people screwed up, a couple boobs were felt, and now 3 people should feel a little ticked off maybe........THAT'S IT !

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by themonster

ok.....you reeled me in....I think this is being blown WAAAAAY out of proportion. This is really quite simple: wife makes error in judgement(gets sloshed out of control at a business related social event(or anywhere for that matter)), boss makes error in judgement(eyes/makes advancements toward employee in a sexual way), husband makes error in judgement(allows wifes boobs to be seen/touched without her permission).
......were they all the wrong things to do, of course, but please, let's try to use some perspective here!!! I once (ok, maybe a couple times) banged someone out of drunken stupidity(error in judgement) that I would have under no circumstances ever done if I had my full faculties about me. I was a little pissed the next day that I had done it, but that's about it. Sure, I coulda been pissed at my friends(which in college are about the equivalent to a spouse ) for letting it happen, and could've felt violated and I suppose I could've even taken a 3 hour shower, but I find it's best to put things in perspective properly.

I still have all 4 limbs(thank you), my home is still standing strong(thank you), and at least for the moment I can still afford to put gas in my car which is still running well(thank you, thank you).

Again to wrap up, 3 people screwed up, a couple boobs were felt, and now 3 people should feel a little ticked off maybe........THAT'S IT !

I think you're taking this a little too lightly. Yes maybe some people have blown it out of proportion but you seem to be going the other way. I don't think this comes close to comparing to a guy getting too drunk in college and banging a chick that when sober he wouldn't have looked at once let alone take her to bed. It is a couple in the lifestyle where trust is the main factor. No the wife probably shouldn't have gotten that drunk, but maybe she felt like she could since she assumed hubby was there to watch out for her. Also, the guy he let fondle her wasn't just some no name at the party (and no that wouldn't have made a difference) but it was her boss who she had rejected advances from before and hubby knew this. Yes she was violated and has every right to feel that way. She now has a husband she can't trust and a hostile work environment. Don't think I'd want to go to work knowing my boss got away with that. We have all voiced our opinions here based on our experiences and relationships to our spouse and she may surprise us all and laugh it off. I think that would be the most unlikely scenerio but anything can happen.

Mrs Spoomonkey

[biblonde]

I agree with mrs. spoo...although I would be pissed as hell and IMHO...this is a form of rape to me. If my hubby just stood there and allowed this I would feel he was a part of that and would be out on his ass (at least for a while). He knew good and well she didnt like the boss and still allowed this to happen! And she was passed out and had no say in this! Just because she chose to get passed out drunk doesnt mean that it is okay to take advantage of her... If you fondle or have sex with someone passed out you go to JAIL...Just because they are swingers doesnt make it any different! If this was in a different situation do you think it would just be blown off? Most of us trust that our SO will keep our back and keep us safe. This guy allowed another man in which she didnt like play with and suck on her tits!! For those that are saying this isnt a big deal think of it this way...what if it was your daughter...sister..mother. then how would you feel about the hubby and the boss?????? If you were at a party and passed out and someone came in and did this would you just blow it off...Sorry I wouldnt!!

[twoplayful2]

Not "no big deal...just blow it off" and not "rape" but somewhere inbetween. There is an inbetween opinion, it doesn't have to be completely one way or the other.

[biblonde]

One more thing for those who are taking this so lightly...and sorry but I strongly beleive in this!...any sexual act preformed without the concent of BOTH parties is called RAPE punishable by jail time...anyone standing around and allowing it to happen is contributing to the crime also punishable by jail time. The law doesnt read with the concent of both parties involved or their spouse... the rules apply whether or not it is your boss...spouse....co-worker..friend or stranger...think about it!

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by Mrs Spoomonkey

We have all voiced our opinions here based on our experiences and relationships to our spouse and she may surprise us all and laugh it off. I think that would be the most unlikely scenerio but anything can happen.

Mrs Spoomonkey

I agree with Mrs. Spoo. Reactions depend on the person/relationship, entirely. I just think that when the reality of what happened sinks in, there are going to be some very hurt feelings. Then again, maybe it'll be water off a duck's back. From my perspective, and in my own relationship, the reaction would be a bit more extreme. Mr. and I have had issues of our own in our relationship...nothing quite like this, but the bottom line is there were times that we weren't there for each other when it counted the most. We've worked past that and really grown from it. We've sworn to each other than we would do everything in our power to never allow one another to be hurt again. So keeping in mind we have a history of trust issues, yeah!! this would be huge deal! I just know that I wouldn't want to be in either of their shoes! What a rotten situation.

[tribbles]

Originally Posted by intuition897

Mr. and I have had issues of our own in our relationship...nothing quite like this, but the bottom line is there were times that we weren't there for each other when it counted the most. We've worked past that and really grown from it. We've sworn to each other than we would do everything in our power to never allow one another to be hurt again. So keeping in mind we have a history of trust issues, yeah!! this would be huge deal!

So you have been there, done that in your own form and stayed together and grown from it. And NOW if something happened it would be awful. But for this couple, what if this is not an old, fixed issue, revisited...but more like the past issues you have already dealt with? New to them?
I took the view it was NEW for them, not an old hurt opened again. Big difference, IMO.

I think they need to have the chance to work it out (not go to jail, as biblonde suggests) and grow from it as others have and have built more trust from experiences.

I wouldn't be married for 25yrs if I had tossed him out over mistakes made when he was imparied (what I did instead was put him in rehab worked too).

S and D

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by tribbles

So you have been there, done that in your own form and stayed together and grown from it. And NOW if something happened it would be awful. But for this couple, what if this is not an old, fixed issue, revisited...but more like the past issues you have already dealt with? New to them?
I took the view it was NEW for them, not an old hurt opened again. Big difference, IMO.

S and D

I agree there is a huge difference. Sometimes I find it difficult to remember that the things Mr. and I are now 'enlightened' about - so to speak - the things that are as plain as the noses on our faces to us, are not nearly so obvious to others who haven't been there, done that.

I have to keep reminding myself that not everyone's relationship reflects the same extreme intensity in such matters as ours might.

Sorry for the skewed POV, folks! Just ignore me lol