My husband played after I fell asleep

[twoplayful2]

Originally Posted by WildMainePussy

Don't forget to have the phone company block that particular phone number from getting through to your home.

Seems a bit extreme. If you have to go to those lengths then perhaps you've got greater problems. If the woman persists, just give her husband a call. She is still married also, afterall. But if you're going to go the overcontrolling route, why not change the phone number entirely, stick one of those location monitor anklet things on him, move to another city...

[Vantabulous]

I know I coming in on this one late and I won't embarass myself by trying to provide any sage advice, particularly from the standpoint of firsthand experience.

Something that struck me about the "a--hole" reference in one of adventureUS' later posts is that she doesn't say she's sick and tired of feeling like "an" a--hole but, rather, "the" a--hole.

To my mind, "an" would imply that this unfortunate situation was the first time this couple had a serious problem with their swinging. On the other hand, "the" suggests to me that this isn't the first time, i.e. Mrs. adventureUS has had issues before and Mr. has, perhaps, made her feel like she's the one who's way off base. She also made the comment, "not this time", which also suggests to me that there's more to this than what lies on the surface - not that it isn't more than enough for most folks.

My gut feeling on this one is that Mr. adventureUS has pushed the limits, spoken or unspoken, more than once and this incident was just too far over-the-top for Mrs. to let slide by.

Sorry if someone else picked up on this and I missed it.

Van

[WildMainePussy]

Originally Posted by twoplayful2

If the woman persists, just give her husband a call. She is still married also, afterall.

Hmmmmm....got a point there.
Where's the husband and his thoughts? Is he aware of the situation that's developed? Wouldn't he wonder why the sudden drop if you have been playing on a consistant basis with them? What's his take on the phone calls or do they take place when he's out of town.

[dutch51]

Originally Posted by mde 4764

You agreed to have this woman come over and play with you and your husband and said that you all had a blast. Joking or not, you did give them permission to fuck after you went to sleep. Now, because they did, you get pissed at your husband and it's his fault because you feel the way you do. If the shoe was on the other foot, would your husband be pissed if you had been fucking while he was asleep?

We may be in the minority here, but I can't agree with the idea that making a comment like she did is the same as giving permission. Now the hubby may have taken it that way, and he and the other woman obviously did, but nothing short of Mrs Adventure saying "look, it's okay with me if you two want to have sex later even if I'm asleep," is giving permission. Doesn't look like she did that at all.

I see a big respect issue here that needs to be addressed. Unless directly given permission for (which it wasn't), having sex in the bed beside a sleeping wife was a disrespectful thing for the two of them to do. If I was the third person, you'd better believe I would *never* do a thing like that, and would not want it done to me. Swinging is about mutual involvement and pleasure between all persons and to exclude one is not respectful. It doesn't matter what was done in the past, that evening or before, it's being respectful in the moment and not letting your groin rule your head. Let's remember the Mrs. was still recovering from the flu and when you've been sick like that, you're probably not feeling your best anyway.

People have mentioned the "shoe on the other foot" thing, but have left out one VERY important thing- personal comfort levels. Whether Mr Adventure would be okay if the reverse happened has nothing to do with what Mrs actually feels in her heart. We can all be fair and unselfish to each other, and allow our spouse to have the same freedoms and opportunities we have, but it doesn't mean we're going to automatically be equally comfortable or feel the same about it. That's something we all have to grow into. So to imply that if he was okay with it happening, then she should be too is wrong and unfair.

I don't have much to add to previous comments about the red flags seen earlier in the friendship, because that seems to be well-covered. It looks like Mrs has taken responsibility for what's happened previously, which is why she's beating herself up and feeling bad. We all make mistakes, goodness know's we've make plenty when dealing with couples, but swinging, no matter how long you've been doing it, is a constantly learning experience. New things crop up, and no matter how much you discuss beforehand, things happen. The key is to address them and learn from them. Now it is time to discuss, heal, forgive and move on.

We wish you luck, the both of you, and hope that in time things are resolved and your closeness is renewed. There is no need to place blame now, but to deal with the resulting feelings and work through things together.

Sending lots of hugs to the both of you....

[Vantabulous]

From the viewpoint of an "outsider", I agree with dutch51 that Mrs. did not give permission. I also feel that Mr. took her comments as permission because it was self-serving, and, no doubt, he's tried to leverage her comment into a "miscommunication".

I still feel it's happened before and not just once.

As for the notion that contacting the MIA husband will do any good, I wouldn't count on it. He didn't give his permission with the proviso that Mrs. adventureUS would play the part of a chaperon to his wife. He gave permission to his wife to have sex. Period. For all any of us knows, she gave him the go-ahead to do the same. Even odds that he knows about the four-hour phone calls, too, unless he's totally out of touch. (Common sense here, folks.)

Personally, I can think of no greater pain than to wake up in the morning, hoping against hope, that something that's happened didn't really happen and that, somehow, everything will be as it was before only to realize that it won't.

Don't let "it" control you. Empower yourself and take dutch51's advice to, "...discuss, heal, forgive and move on."

Van

[intuition897]

AdventureUS, I'm afraid the vote is unanimous: whether joking or no, your comment gave hubby the excuse he needed to indulge in yet another screw. I wouldn't be so upset about the fact that they had sex while I slept if it were me, but about the fact that a boundary - one that should have naturally been felt as it was approached! - was irreversibly crossed. There's sexual attraction and then there's emotional attraction. Swingers (typically) reserve emotional attachments solely for their own partners while polyamorists develop both sexual AND emotional bonds with multiple partners. If this line has become blurred for your husband, you'll both need to take stock of what you're looking to get out of the lifestyle. If he swears up and down that he has no interest in developing an emotional relationship with this woman yet his actions clearly say otherwise, one of several things could be going on.

1. He may simply have a crush on this woman. This is dangerous territory because choosing to allow him to explore this feeling he has may bring undesirable results. Yes, he may choose her over you (although if he did he'd need a good kick in the ass! How many women would allow their husbands that kind of freedom?) but he may realize that no, he doesn't love her and the novelty will wear off. If the latter is the case, then you'll never have to worry about it again, right?

2. He may have just made a stupid mistake. As you said, it was 4:30 in the morning. No one is in their right mind at that hour, and he may have been feeling lonely for the kind of companionship that YOU normally offer him at the end of a wild night of raunchy sex. You were exhausted and fell asleep (not laying any blame here) and she just happened to be awake. Plus when faced with the unknown (a strange woman in his bed) one tends to fall back on the familiar (the way he makes love to you) and the same choreography or 'dance' that he performs with you may have just been transferred onto her. If this is the case, then don't worry too much. It was a simple mistake and a miscommunication on everyone's part. These kinds of speed-bumps should be expected and just taken in stride. Learn from it and move on.

3. He may be truly interested in a more polyamorous arrangement and is afraid to admit it for fear of hurting you. If this is the case, then you both have some thinking - and serious talking - to do. Whether this arrangement would be acceptable to you both is something you'd need to decide on together.

In any case, we all wish you luck!