My husband played after I fell asleep

[biblonde]

My biggest problem with this is you are "fighting" over this. If this was my hubby he would be bending over backwards begging for forgiveness. And Im unclear on something ....did he say he "made love" to her? give you details? Making love is for us and us alone. We never share those intament feelings with no one else. that is just way beyond wrong!! Does he even seem like he wants to make this work for you two? Him wanting to stay at work tonight instead of coming home makes me wonder. But then again maybe some space between you guys is just what you need. Gives you time to cool off some (not that you dont have every right to be beyond pissed off!!)..and give him time to think about what he did and has been doing. This sounds more like an affair than a swinging situation. If it was just the sex part then well it would be a lesson learned but the long phone calls,,,the getting defensive for him doing wrong just doesnt sit right with me. I really hope you two can work it out and honestly I dont know any way to fix this without time and lots of talking...not fighting but talking! and listening from you both.

My heart goes out to you and i wish you the very best!!

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by adventureUS

Shit...we haven't even spoken much since the "episode" except fighting ..and he would prefer to spend the night at work tonight. I havent' been sleeping and sleeping in our bed just makes me sick ...this one episode is ruining my life.

...after 8 years of marriage and 5 years of swinging I thought we had all our "ducks in a row".....and thats not the case

...our marriage is suffering..our communication is suffering...I feel dead inside

I was composing my first post while your post above mine came in.

Your new comments were helpful.

I'm concerned that if your husband doesn't feel he can talk with you about the episode in a calm and level-headed way, then he may seek comfort in the other woman. Don't push him away and throw him to her.

He's sleeping at the office overnight? This may be another "red flag" flying in your face.

Is there something else bothering you than this episode? Maybe what recently happened is bringing into focus something that's been present in your relationship for awhile that you haven't wanted to face.

I'm not trying to make you feel worse. I want to help. I have had moments in my life when I was so angry and hurt that I became blind. Once I calm down and acknowledge my hurt, and my fears, and look the situation straight on in a mature manner, I find my answers. Things always turned out better.

You can do something about your situation.

I'd start by paying your husband a surprise visit at his office tonight, with the intention of working this out. Talk about what's really bothering both of you and go from there.

Good luck.

LM

[RNDNV]

Originally Posted by adventureUS

I was overly tired as I had been sick with the flu the week prior and was still recovering and exausted. I made a comment that the two "horn dogs" would probably fuck after I fell asleep..there was no mention that we werent infact going to sleep. I was kidding....and I passed out.

Well adventure, I can't say you "deserve" to be treated "easy" on this one. Everyone so far on the board has been very "nice" to you, but frankly, I think you deserve to hear a real authentic viewpoint that would really be helpful for you in this path you are taking as a swinger.

You got results exactly in line with what you created.

Did you or did you not in fact:

"participate" in selling the other couple in allowing this women to party with you and yours w/o her hubby being there?

party with your hubby and her, which by the way carried with it the direct implication that it was okay for your hubby to sexually engage with her as well?

party when you were suceptible to being "tired" at 4:30 in the morning b/c you were sick?

tell them (perhaps kiddingly in your mind, but you didn't say you were kidding) to go ahead a party on without you while you were sleeping?

choose to become a swinger?

have sex with her husband before?

Are you not in fact also choosing to not believe your hubby when he says she gabs a lot and that he loves and is committed to only you?

Listen lady, there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, about this situation that you didn't create, and now you are whining about your results.

There is this story about a construction guy who always complains, every day at lunchtime when he opens his lunch pail, that he is sick and tired of peanut butter and jelly sandwichs, which is what he has for lunch everyday. One day, one of his co-workers who is tired of hearing him complain everyday says, "listen buddy, why don't you just tell your wife to make you a different kind of sandwich for lunch; a turkey or ham perhaps?" The complaining guy says back to him, "what are you talking about, I am single, I make my own lunch every morning."

GET IT?

[adventureUS]

thank you RNDNV...i give Surrender

[adventureUS]

im sick of always being the asshole...im done

Adventure,

Look at the number of supportive posts compared to the unsupportive one.

The tide is in your favor. The majority definately do not believe you are an asshole.

[TNT]

Although a little on the abrasive side, RNDNV brings up some valid points.

First...when in any swinging situation never kid about anything. It's way to easy for people to take what you might be kidding about seriously. If you didn't want your husband and this female having sex without your involvement, you should have definitely said something about it.

Secondly...you said that your husband recited one of your love making sessions when asked what they did. This needs some clarification...we all have sex with someone else like we have sex with our own partner...it's what's in the mind and heart that makes it "making love"...not in the actions of our bodies. Did he say there were feelings involved or was he just relating the same actions that you two perform?

You really need to work on your communication. If having your husband talking on the phone with this woman is something that you don't want going on...tell him and her that you don't want them talking. If your husband having sex with someone that is sleeping in the same bed with you both after all of you having sex together while your not involved bothers you, tell them playtime is over and it's time to go to sleep.

The way we see it is, you failed to speak up when something was bothering you and in letting the others involved know what you were and were not comfortable with. You have found a line that you don't want to cross but you have got to let him and others know before you get hurt.

Talk to your husband, rationally, he probably feels defensive because he did something that he felt you had given premission for him to do.


TNT

[RNDNV]

HEY, JUST WAIT A MINUTE ADVENTUREUS, where in my post did I EVER call you an asshole? No where! You put that label on yourself; that is not something I said, nor is it implied, so perhaps you may wish to consider looking at that about yourself? Secondly, who says I am not being supportive. Ms or Mr Naughty clearly suffer from the same inability to clearly communicate and understand what is being said and what is not being said. No where in my post did I call you an asshole, and if being honest and direct with you is not "being supportive" then I would say that what you are getting (and perhaps seeking as well) from the other "more supportive" posters is the kind of advise that will "support" you in continuing to be a victim of your circumstances instead of a master of your destiny.

Nothing should ever happen in this lifestyle that you don't want to happen, and if it does, then you have a fabulous opportunity to examine what led to that breakdown. I don't know who you are, but if there is one thing I have learned about swinging is that, done the right way for you, it can be a wonderful path for empowerment for women. This stuff is better than watching Oprah and Dr. Phil everyday for a year, and if you are really willing to look at yourself, one simple swing experience can teach you more about yourself than a year of watching Oprah and Phil.

Lastly, DON'T THROW IN THE TOWEL AND STOP CALLING YOURSELF AN ASSHOLE. That self-pity crap won't wash with me, and it shouldn't wash with anyone else here as well. Some may call this abrasive, I would simply say that I am being candid, honest and direct. But if you are more interested in someone blowing smoke up your ass, by all means don't listen to me.

Love ya.
Mr. RND

RNDNV,

You have your point of view and others have theirs. Just because you see things differently doesn't mean the rest of us are blowing smoke up her ass.

While we can not all be masters of communication such as your self, no matter how much we try, miscommunication does happen even in the best of relationships.
Communication is the meeting of the minds and it is not always clear if both are on the same page.

To me "You horn dogs are probably going to fuck again" isn't the same as "You horn dogs can fuck some more while I sleep".


If I was going to go out with the guys after work for a few beers and mrs naughty said "You probably won't be home till the bars close" I wouldn't interpret that to mean "Go ahead and stay out till the bars close".

Get it?
I believe that is interpreting communication.

You interpret it your way, and I will interpret it mine.

BTW,
It's Mrs, not Ms. And Mr put in the post you were refering to.
Have a good day.

[DBL D]

All I can say is that this is a terrible thing that's happened but it seemed to be predicted. I am not in the correct frame of mind to adequately express my sentiments to you but there do seem to be some mixed signals between all of you. I would definitely put a stop to the phone sex in the future. (I know you aren't seeing this couple again). I'm gonna have to sleep on this one.

And, PLEASE, stop with the personal name calling. It's not becoming.

Hope the night goes well for y'all.

Male D

[TXBLONDIE]

I definitely agree that there were some signs throwing up red flags that you chose not to bring to your husbands attention. As everyone on this board always preaches "Communication" is the key to this lifestyle. I cannot speak from a great deal of experience because we have really only been active in the swinging lifestyle, on and off, for about 2 1/2 years now. Let me tell you what I have learned about communication thus far....
Last weekend Mr and I had a MMF threesome with a bi single guy. It was the second time we would be together. Mr. had started questioning things, like statements the other guy made etc. I guess you could say he had a jealous twinge and was doubting us...I saw what was going on and I told him we needed to talk about this now because we were supposed to hook up with our M the next day. We gave each other a couple of hours to cool off by staying in seperate rooms doing seperate things. Time alone... We then sat and talked about it. Just feeling needy is all, that was what he told me.. so to the point..we get together with M and we are all in the heat of it, M and I were together and my husband was watching, I looked over and saw the look of someone who was very uncomfortable. I stopped the M right there by placing my hand on his chest. He stopped, got up, and Mr. asked M to leave, M started to. Mr. told M to stop, stay and that we all needed to be a part of this discussion, but first he wanted to talk to me alone. No problem with M and after we talked we talked with M and we started all over. The point is, if you are uncomfortable at any point, moment, time whatever, you stop and talk about it RIGHT THEN AND THERE!!!!! Don't blow it off or let it be blown off....plain and simple answer for me...lack of communication....it's right in front of you...
Sorry,
TXBLONDIE

Remember,
She was sleeping when the additional play took place.

It wasn't that she was watching and didn't know how to stop it. She didn't find out until the next day.

[corkwan]

geez, you people must watch too many tv court-room dramas. ease up on the speculation and definitions.

anyway, you may feel like an asshole, but you're not.

we went through a very similar situation, and it took a good year of trying to get our marriage back on track. you know why it took so long? forgiveness. you have to let all the anger and resentment drop off. a relationship is based on faith in each other, and that is something you appear to have lost.

i know you may feel responsible for the situation, but you're not the only one responsible. everyone made mistakes, and i hope that most people see that. but hanging on to all the bad feelings is not going to heal anything up. you're most likely confused yourself, and from your comments, you've lost faith in yourself too.

i'm here to humour you.

don't worry.

everyone fucks up. what is more crucial is getting over it. stop picking old scabs and start focusing on positive things again. make up with your husband, tell him you want a break from swinging for a while, and that you'd like to start rebuilding things.

forgive everyone (including yourself), reflect and learn, and move on...

[graygo98]

Originally Posted by corkwan

everyone fucks up. what is more crucial is getting over it. stop picking old scabs and start focusing on positive things again. make up with your husband, tell him you want a break from swinging for a while, and that you'd like to start rebuilding things.

forgive everyone (including yourself), reflect and learn, and move on...

You have clearly been through a really tough bit. But, I don't want to talk about what happened that night, or what led up to it. That's been pretty much completely thrashed out. A lot of good insight in the responses and a real lesson... even when you think you have your ducks in a row things can go south real fast.

What concerned me most, though, in your remarks is what has gone on since that night. You are making yourself sick with this. And, to be blunt, you are driving your husband away. He knows he did wrong, I would bet. Now I imagine that every time he sees the continuing effect his behaviour is having on you he feels guilty. Sooner or later he is going to start feeling really resentful of you for making him feel that way.

Corkwan's advice is bang on. Other than learning from this experience, it doesn't really matter so much now who was right and who was wrong. You really should let go. You need to forgive, starting with yourself.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by Mr&Mrs-naughty

Remember,
She was sleeping when the additional play took place.

It wasn't that she was watching and didn't know how to stop it. She didn't find out until the next day.

That's very true...however, I still see it as a lack of communication. I think there is a lesson here for all. No one is a mind reader, everyone must speak up and let their feelings known.

The limits of the play session were not discussed before hand.

They invited this woman into their home and bed, had sex with her and obviously invited her to sleep in the bed with them. Now...was the fact that there would be no play between two of them without the other involved discussed? If it wasn't I can see where her husband would think it was okay, especially with the comment she made to them, which could easily be interpreted to mean it was okay...since they had obviously already had sex that night. If it was discussed and the answer was no play without all three, then yes her husband definitely stepped over the line.

She's obviously extremely hurt but, I feel that she's more upset with herself for letting things go to far. To me it seems that she was seeing 'red flags' , or at the least, things that she was not happy with, before the play session ever came about and she's now wondering why she didn't stop things long ago. She's hurt, confused and upset with herself as well as her husband. Blame has to stop and healing has to start.

The lesson I see here is no matter what, discuss what is within your comfort zone before anything happens. Let all involved know what is okay and what is not okay and make sure that you are understood. Mistakes happen, all anyone can do is learn from them and move on.


Teresa