Sneaky females, my boyfriend and boundaries

[DeNastyOne]

I know this may be out of the norm, but I have a problem with a married female. My boyfriend (of 10 yrs.) and I met a couple who seemed to be very nice, we are not attracted to them but it's obvious they are to us. We've partied at a local "play" club and have had dinner and drinks at our house. I thought they were very respectful to the fact that my boyfriend wants to see me get 'worked over' by a bunch of guys and help. We have never done a full swap and that wasn't even on the table. Well, I'll call her Jane Doe, has been very aggressive with my b/f while in the club and has come close to knocking me and her own husband down to get over to my boyfriend to dance all over him..... I have no problem with the flirting/dancing but pushing people out of your way is a little much. Further, she started sending private emails to my boyfriend, basically bad mouthing me. When my boyfriend and I go out, he loves to see me have fun and dance with other guys and chics. Well Jane Doe says that me doing that and then coming back to him expecting him to "take me back" so quickly after I've flirted with the entire club, upsets her. The other day she sent another message giving him a totally different picture of my turning her down to do a surprise strip tease for our guys - she wanted me to sneak around and practice behind their backs, well I am a trustworthy girlfriend in addition to being a submissive (yes my b/f and I practice a Dom/sub lifestyle) and I am not going to lie about where I'm going and what I'm doing. She made it seem like I was just being a "party pooper" for lack of a better term...... I've tried to tell my boyfriend that I don't feel comfortable with her and that she is sneaky but he refuses to see it and tells me that I'm just "uptight" and not "outgoing", hell I'm the most outgoing person in the whole club, I don't meet strangers. He says that maybe it's her language barrier, I don't buy that because her English is just fine (she is from Asia). Sorry about the length of this, I just need some advice please. Is it me or is it her and how should I handle this????????????????

[wkyadventurers]

Your boyfriend is the key to this whole scenario. He and I have many of the same ideals and I think we could relate well as for our fantasies. We both seem to enjoy watching our ladies being the life of the party/club. However, as the Dom in a D/s lifestyle, he is the one making the mistake here. As the sub you should be able to set the limits. It sounds to me that you have set this limit and he is not being respectful of it. As many of the people in this group will advise you, if both parties are not involved, play time does not happen.

So, since you are not into this other couple and have obviously seen the light in respect to the female half of that couple, you have answered your own question.

My advice...he needs to terminate all communications with this couple and you shoudl both make this all stop now before you come home to find your white rabbit in a rolling boil.

[wkyadventurers]

My sub/S/O wsihes to add her two cents worth:

(Please keep in mind that she is an incredibly jealous submissive female)

she writes:

sounds to me like the boyfriend is wanting something to happen between him an the other woman and just hasn't admitted it yet. if he truly respected his gf then he would be honest with her and tell her he no longer wants to remain monogamous and he wants the other woman or if he doesn't then he needs to talk to the woman and her husband and explain that her pushy behavior is not appreciated and he no longer wants to associate with them. either way it falls i don't see the relationship lasting much longer.

[DeNastyOne]

He is very naive sometimes, in fact we went through him being blind about my feelings towards a female of a couple, something about her always bothered me. Well she eventually came to me behind his back and wanted her and I to get together secretly. I of course told him of this and he ended the friendship right away. Maybe he thinks that people who swing regardless of the level, are all upfront and trustworthy............ I do know at some point this Jane Doe female is going to suggest something behind my back. I try not to be disobdiant and say too much but at the same time, frustrations caused by others are coming into our life, something that should NEVER happen..................... thanks for listening and for the replies.

[inbeachcouple]

I think the bottom line pretty much is that she isn't respectful of your choices and the way you go about things. You're probably better off finding another couple. The fact that she sends him private e-mails would be a problem with us. We have a joint e-mail account that ALL swinging info goes through. Even though one of us can get messages and delete them, it's more the principle of it all.

[a_couple_in_pa]

Originally Posted by DeNastyOne

He is very naive sometimes,

"Further, she started sending private emails to my boyfriend, basically bad mouthing me."

He's naive? Private e-mails are pretty black and white.
Maybe he's not so naieve.

[JustAskJulie]

He obviously gave her his email address. I assume he's being honest with you and telling you bout these emails OR did you find out about that on your own?

To me just the fact that she is badmouthing you to him should be enough for him to not want to continue to deal with her. You should be his first priority not someone else. As someone else already said, sounds pretty clear to me that he wants her and he's just not being honest about that part. Otherwise, why continue to put up her talking about you?

[EvilMJ]

I have to agree with the others who feel that your boyfriend is the problem here.

I have no idea what your relationship is with your boyfriend, but my husband and I have some important rules that we do not break - If one person is not comfortable with a perspective playmate, for whatever reason, the we break off contact with them.

I do not let anyone bad mouth me when I have done nothing wrong, and I do not let some woman try to break me and my husband up. (I don't think I would make a very good submissive ).

I think he needs to start respecting your feelings a bit more.

[RitzAnTitz]

Oh, the drama that the lifestyle and humans bring to the table. head bang

My suggestion...ask yourself..is this relationship with this other person/couples healthy to you or the bond between you and your boyfriend.

If it is not, I suggest the two of you discuss it and come to the conclusion to either communicate with this couple and work it out. Or, break off the relationship with the other couple. You can do this in a mature manner.

If you feel it is healthy to deal with the drama...be my guest. After the first incident, there wouldn't be a second, but I am a bit of a hard ass when it comes to people who are in the lifestyle and can't behave as mature adults.

That's just my opinion..take it or leave it. But enjoy life to it's fullest.

Yours in the lifestyle..

Jewel

[DeNastyOne]

As we do with many people, we exchange emails and have done this with people we have no interest in outside of being friends. He has forwarded me the messages from Jane Doe, he hasn't kept any from me, that I know of. and the original email that started all of this, her own husband was unaware of. My b/f made a comment about "fitting in" and I think that is the wrong way to view any situation, we are not in high school and we should be concerned about liking ourselves and not worrying about how other's view us (although it's great to be liked but you should like yourself first). I've read lots of posts and one thing I've read over and over, is that no form of lifestyle should ever become more important than the relationship with your partner and no person should ever cause any problems in that couples home. I am trying to handle things as a mature woman (and not beat her ass like the "bad me" wants to but I'm not that type of person anyway) and have done my best to ignore her as much as possible when we see them out, but it's kind of hard when she practically pushes you out of the way to get to your man. I am asking myself if the so called "friendship" with this couple is more important to my boyfriend than our relationship and respect for me. And to answer you EvilMJ, our relationship has been one others have always admired, we have lots of fun together, are best of friends, lovers, etc............ Maybe he's going through a mid-life crisis and his common sense has taken a temporary vacation...............

[EvilMJ]

Originally Posted by DeNastyOne

. And to answer you EvilMJ, our relationship has been one others have always admired, we have lots of fun together, are best of friends, lovers, etc............ Maybe he's going through a mid-life crisis and his common sense has taken a temporary vacation...............

Men can be funny creatures sometimes can't they . I guess you and he need a heart to heart about this situation, somehow you have to make your feelings clear. It is a hard thing to do when your SO doesn't want to see what you are telling them, but if you have the relationship that you have said you do, then he should come around (especially if he knows what a good thing he has).

Best of luck with this situation. Let us know how it turns out!

[intuition897]

DeNastyOne, I don't have much experience or in-depth knowledge of D/s relationships, but my impression is that it parallels swinging in many respects, and although the focus may be a in a little different direction, the need for top-notch communication, profound trust, and strong emotional bonding seems to be the same. I don't know what the rules are in your household, but it would seem to me that regardless of one's choice of lifestyle/hobby, it should never cause one to lose respect for one's self. If you find that you are being asked to respect yourself less and just "deal with it" (as it would seem your partner is asking you to do), you need to ask yourself who exactly has the problem here? Sure hope you guys get this sorted out.

And I'm with you: I'd be tempted to kick Chicky's ass, too. Little tart. But you know what? I think I'd probably just laugh at her, because I know exactly what would happen when she gets in Mr.'s face after pulling a stunt like that. She would definitely walk away knowing her place! And it sure as hell isn't above me!

[JustAskJulie]

I am asking myself if the so called "friendship" with this couple is more important to my boyfriend than our relationship and respect for me.

This is the question you need to ask your boyfriend.

You are right this isn't HS and it can't be about fitting in. It has to be about doing what is best for you as a couple.

Unfortunately, I see this all too often with those who are new to swinging. We see it here on this board with people asking "is this normal?" when whether or not it's normal really doesn't matter because it's obviously something that is making them uncomfortable. Too often newbies just "go with the flow" in order to not make waves and to fit in, thinking "well, everyone else must be doing it so I guess I should too". You just can't do that.

You have to sit down and have a very long talk with you guy and ask him the above question. It may come down to finding a different club to go to in order to avoid this woman, and blocking her emails. And in the future, you may choose to be a little more selective about who you give out your contact info to.

[DeNastyOne]

Thanks for the reply Julie. Due to issues with the club (having to find another location for it as they got new owners and they do not want to host such a "fun" club) we have not seen them in some time. She has sent emails to me trying to be "nice" I suppose, but I've been civil (because I actually am a nice person ) and replied back only with very short responses. I know it's only a matter of time before we run into them at one of the regular clubs we've been attending. I think my boyfriend has finally gotten the clue that I am uncomfortable with her so he has not suggested that we all go out or have any contact in person........... However, if she acts up in her childish way again, do you think I would be out of line to say something to her husband about her antics? I really don't think he is aware of her behavior.

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by DeNastyOne

..... However, if she acts up in her childish way again, do you think I would be out of line to say something to her husband about her antics? I really don't think he is aware of her behavior.

I would definitely let the husband know.