If he won't stay within their boundaries what makes us think he will stay within ours

[starlinn]

I have a problem. Being new to this lifestyle, I know that I am treading in very shallow water when meeting another couple. My husband and I have set our limits, and we really do want to stick with them. I am up front with other couples that I am talking to about those boundries. I met a couple online, and We have been talking with them alot. I have agreed to have lunch with the wife. Just to meet up and talk. I talked to her on the phone this morning to make last minute plans and get directions, I made the comment again about our boundries, and she makes the comment "He (being her husband) tends to go outside our boundries all the time"
Now, it kind of stunned me when she said that, and I made a hasty good-by because I didn't know what to say. After getting off the phone with her, I sat here and thought about it, and wondered what she meant. My thought at this time, and the reason that I am posting this on the board, is, that if he crosses the boundries that they set, what makes us think that he will not have consideration for ours. I wonder too, now that my hopes are dashed, how do I call her back and tell her that I am not interested in meeting her for lunch? Am I reading to much into her comment, trying to get out of this. I can't see that. I was very excited!
Also, are there success stories out there of meeting a couple online? Now I am leary about it (Except the people on this board are wonderful!)
I would love to go to a club and meet up, but all the clubs are 2 hours away from me, so it isn't practical. Any ideas please.
Thanks

[northindycpl]

I think that I would have also been taken aback by the comment she made. But, instead of wondering what you are wondering about the protection of your boundaries, I would be wondering if they are a couple in trouble?

We don't play with couples in trouble. I can't imagine that I or MR would make a comment like that even joking. It is hard to read the situation as you have read it, but if it alarmed you enough to post, then I think the best thing to do is ask.

I would ask what she meant by the comment. I would look at how they acted when they were together, etc.. If you are stil remotely interested.

If you have completely ruled them out, then you could email her and just let her know that you have changed your mind, wish them well and goodbye.

As a side note, I am curious about something else you commented on; and would offer this advice (I am not sure by your post that you aren't doing this but thought I would mentioned it anyway)

When we meet couples online, through personal ads,at the club, we are very upfront and to the point about our rules, what we are looking for and what we are not looking for. It is only when we are sure the other couple is looking for a similar thing, do we meet them. It is common for the girls to get together for lunch first, and just chat. (that seems to be what we do) and If the girls are interested enough, then usually we then meet couple to couple. Maybe go to a club or out to dinner.

I guess what we learned is to cross the biggest hurdles first (accpetable rules etc) before getting to the point where we like the couple, only to find out we have different rules.

[WesternSwing]

I can see your trepidation in this matter. But I think you really are putting too much thought into it at this point. Meet her for lunch and get to know her in person. Just because you have lunch doesn't mean you have to have sex with them. If you aren't compatible, you aren't compatible. Period. No hard feelings.

We have met some really good people online. We chatted via email or instant messenger for a week or two, then met for drinks or dinner and took it from there. There are more people we haven't "clicked" with than those we have, but they are still good acquaintances that we seek out at parties to hang with.

So don't read too much into her comment until you actually get to know her (and him). Don't over-analyze it. You are taking something that is supposed to be fun and making it into work.

Mr. WS

[disqreetcouple]

I would just be honest and tell them you aren't interested. Why? Because it is clear to me that if he goes outside of the boundaries with his own wife, what is to stop him from persuading either one of you to go outside of yours? Rather than get into an even more awkward moment later on down the road, your best bet is to stop it now. That's my 2 copper.

[LikeMinds321]

Sounds like you've got your antenna up; you are checking for any disturbing airwaves. More commonly know as "red flags."

This is great and will help you in the future.

I don't think you have to give up on them yet. Meet this woman, be sure you are meeting in a public "vanila" place you are familiar with and comfortable in. You will learn so much more about her, and her relationship with her husband, through a personal meeting. Make sure you have communicated--and gotten confirmation--that you both can always decline setting a playdate if you or the woman don't feel things are meant to be...no questions asked, no explanation needed.

This will be a good learning experience for you. I'd not miss the opportunity. I also agree with ohers that you must directly ask her to explain what she meant about her husband going outside their boundaries. Make sure she understands your boundaries.

Regarding your question on meeting couples online: We met our first couple online through SLS (SwingLifeStyle). We continue to play and they are good friends.

LM

[lizandtom]

This goes back to Julies saying that you go at the pace of the slowest in the group. Since you two are new, the boundaries were probably made PRIMARILY by the more conservative of you two. That said, you have told the other couple of your boundaries, period. If they still wish to hook up, first the wife with you for lunch, then don't fret about it. What the other couple does as far as respecting their own limits, in my view, has nothing to do with how much they respect yours. Obviously she, from the other couple, is still with her husband so she doesn't mind her spouse stepping over the line, and that's fine as long as they're both comfortable. It doesn't mean they won't respect yours, because they don't know your comfort level yet, and you'd be putting the cart B4 the horse to assume their disrespect at this point.

When we first started my wife was the slower of the two, and it was only supposed to be g-g with husbands watching, her boundaries to which I agreed. At our first attending of an off-premises club, she was petting and fondling with 3 girls and 2 guys, and since then we're up to soft swap. Now we just consider full swap, same room the next natural progression, and all of this within a 3 month period.

My advice? Look forward to meeting this woman for lunch, get to know her, meet her husband even if for no more than dinner or drinks, and get a sense for their respect for both of you, and most of all, don't worry yourself about it. You can say NO at any time to anything, no explanation's owed. Tom.

[SexhoundDog]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

This will be a good learning experience for you. I'd not miss the opportunity. I also agree with ohers that you must directly ask her to explain what she meant about her husband going outside their boundaries. Make sure she understands your boundaries.

Dito to Like Minds and all the rest of the posts. Don't let your hopes get dashed because of one comment. If you and your hubby get active, I'm sure you'll have more than one bad experience at sometime. But the main thing is, you two have set what you want, and nobody can change that for you except you two.

Guess it's the protector thing in me, but that's one more reason to play together, preferably within eyesight. And I'm sure that if you do meet with this lady, you hit it off well and your fears would be somewhat allayed, if you do decide to play with this couple and your hubby knows your possible concerns, I'd bet he'll be watching his sweet wife for any signs of alarm.

[starlinn]

Thank you all for your replies. I just want what is best for both of us. I know that all meetings will not be a match made in heaven, but I just want to watch out and do what is best for us. I feel that we are going to have some exciting times ahead. I just want to avoid the bumps. I think I will still meet for lunch (it is the next couple days) I will let you know how I feel afterwards.

[jcbicouple]

You may want to see if they will meet you together so you can see how they interact with each other. We have told a few couples "No" simply because they obviously weren't in this for each other. Also, If you do meet her alone: Ask her about the comment and what she meant. Maybe it wasn't a big deal, but if your red flags went up, you need to clear the air. If the flags are still up after your meeting, just tell them "Sorry, but we don't think we're really compatible." and don't let them pressure you into anything. Good luck!

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by WesternSwing

I can see your trepidation in this matter. But I think you really are putting too much thought into it at this point. Meet her for lunch and get to know her in person. Just because you have lunch doesn't mean you have to have sex with them. If you aren't compatible, you aren't compatible. Period. No hard feelings.

I agree, what harm can lunch do?

Plus, it will give you a chance to learn more about them as a couple. I'm sure you'll notice right away when you meet her if you think this couple will be a bad choice.

Lots of Luck and let us know how lunch went!

[JustAskJulie]

It's been a couple of days so I'm wondering if you went ahead with the meeting or not?

I would say go ahead with it and talk to her openly about what she said on the phone. If she confirms what she said previously then I would say don't continue with them. Your comment is right... if he can't even stick to THEIR boundaries he's not going to stick to yours.

[findtime]

Boundaries are set for a reason and if one person has so little respect for the comfort level of their own spouse, what are the chances they'll have respect for yours?
I agree it's supposed to be fun, not work, but how much fun is it to watch your partner foray into areas previously off limits? My husband and I have two boundaries, no MF kissing (that is an intimacy we alone share) and same room only. It would end swinging for me then and there if I looked over and saw him in a lip lock with another woman and the trust level of the relationship would be damaged. We got into this lifestyle because we trust each other so completely. Also, how much fun are you going to have if you have to constantly remind this man about your boundaries during your time together? This woman can assure you all she wants, it's her husband that she claims doesn't stick to the rules. How will your husband react if he sees you having to fight off unwelcome advances, or succumbing to them, for that matter, in the heat of the moment? Is it worth it?
To hell with how the other couple feels if you cancel. Especially if you're smacked in the face with a great big red flag from the onset. Why risk it? Your marriage and your happiness comes first and there plenty of considerate couples out there.

How did things go?

[lizandtom]

Boundaries are set for a reason and if one person has so little respect for the comfort level of their own spouse, what are the chances they'll have respect for yours?

Everybody's different and I don't know you, but Findtime you sound very strict with your rules, and I wonder if, in your relationship, being so stringent is a result of worries about jealousy. Now this is my opinion, but I believe strongly that rules are PRIMARILY developed by the less secure person in a couple out of the worry of what will happen if a particular situation develops. In your case who's idea was it that no MF kissing is allowed to take place? I'm not knocking the rule, but for example purposes, if you primarily came up with that one, and you were hot and heavy into it with another male and decided to kiss him, do you really think that your husband is going to flip out over that if you are the one who was worried about such an action? I doubt it. We started with stringent rules derived out of fear of what may happen and made PRIMARILY by my wife who was very worried about a lot in the LS, but she herself started breaking many rules she made, and you know what? Kudos for her; as the faster of the two, I certainly didn't mind and appreciated the leeway it allowed me to pursue some things on my own, and yes we do have rules but they are always up for renegotiation as we BOTH deem fit. By testing the rules made by the slowest of us, it has strengthened our relationship and put to rest the WORRIES of jealousy. We reassure each other that we are still #1 on each others list, and will be. Personally I don't know how intimate relations could possibly start without some sort of kissing first, but that's just me. Of course everybody has to be comfortable, and has to respect each other, but to condemn this couple because of something going on between them (as long as they are a secure couple within themselves) is a harsh decision not based upon the actual people you meet, and there may be more to it than that. My opinion, as rambled as it is, and valid. (maybe not correct, but valid).

[findtime]

Let me assure you that this was a rule decided on by both of us as was our only other rule of same-room only, and I promise you, my husband would most definitely "flip out" if I were to start kissing another man. All of our boundaries were mutually agreed upon and we ventured into this lifestyle with a lot of communication and strict adherence to the parameters we set out with.

We have had many experiences over the last couple of years that haven't involved MF kissing and have found them very satisfying. The other couples/groups haven't had any problems either. Our rules are few but, yes, they are strict as trust is a huge factor in our relationship. Neither of us are willing to jeopardize that. In all honesty, I'm the more outgoing of the two of us and I have done the majority of the legwork, so to speak, and tend to be the instigator in most encounters.

I have to disagree with you about "testing the rules". If either of us did so, the other would be hurt, feel betrayed and find that swinging isn't the right choice for us. By discussing each encounter (each one was progressive by mutual agreement) and conducting a post-mortem on feelings and turn-ons etc.. we ended up here. Renegotiating the rules is always an option but "testing" i.e. "breaking" the rules is never appropriate in the heat of the moment. Sorry.
You're right it's a jealousy thing. Aren't all the rules in place to make things comfortable for both parties in the loving committed relationship? What other motivator could there be besides jealousy (or the avoidance of such). I know for me, and I can speak for my husband too, that I don't want someone who would always be trying to get away with a "little extra".

In rereading your post I think I, initially, misunderstood what you were trying to say. If one person made a rule restricting an activity for their own comfort but knew the other person would be fine with it, then if they unilaterally decide to break through that barrier, it's ok. Of course. I would have to agree with you there. But if there has been an agreed upon set of rules then neither party has the right to break them without discussing it first and mutually deciding to do so.

I don't believe that was the case here.

[jcbicouple]

Originally Posted by findtime

Let me assure you that this was a rule decided on by both of us as was our only other rule of same-room only, and I promise you, my husband would most definitely "flip out" if I were to start kissing another man. All of our boundaries were mutually agreed upon and we ventured into this lifestyle with a lot of communication and strict adherence to the parameters we set out with.

We have had many experiences over the last couple of years that haven't involved MF kissing and have found them very satisfying. The other couples/groups haven't had any problems either. Our rules are few but, yes, they are strict as trust is a huge factor in our relationship. Neither of us are willing to jeopardize that. In all honesty, I'm the more outgoing of the two of us and I have done the majority of the legwork, so to speak, and tend to be the instigator in most encounters.

I have to disagree with you about "testing the rules". If either of us did so, the other would be hurt, feel betrayed and find that swinging isn't the right choice for us. By discussing each encounter (each one was progressive by mutual agreement) and conducting a post-mortem on feelings and turn-ons etc.. we ended up here. Renegotiating the rules is always an option but "testing" i.e. "breaking" the rules is never appropriate in the heat of the moment. Sorry.
You're right it's a jealousy thing. Aren't all the rules in place to make things comfortable for both parties in the loving committed relationship? What other motivator could there be besides jealousy (or the avoidance of such). I know for me, and I can speak for my husband too, that I don't want someone who would always be trying to get away with a "little extra".

In rereading your post I think I, initially, misunderstood what you were trying to say. If one person made a rule restricting an activity for their own comfort but knew the other person would be fine with it, then if they unilaterally decide to break through that barrier, it's ok. Of course. I would have to agree with you there. But if there has been an agreed upon set of rules then neither party has the right to break them without discussing it first and mutually deciding to do so.

I don't believe that was the case here.

Well said findtime.