Hubby doesn't understand No!!!

[wetandwild70121]

We are a married couple in the lifestyle for about six month. Very new to the lifestyle, I had a situation come up , that really has me bugged.
My husband and I visited an off premises club not long ago. We met a couple that he had been speaking to on line. After spending time with them, I didn't feel a connection to the male side of the couple.
My husband pulled me to the side and asked if I would like to get a room. I told him no, that I really didn't feel attracted to the male at all.
He said ok, that he understood, and walked away. The next thing I see, is he sitting in a chair in the club, with the women on top of his lap, when I walked over to them, he had taken his penis out, and was going at her right then and there. When I called him, down on it, he didn't seem to care, It was in his mind that he wanted her,and even though I had said no, he was going to have her, and did.
My question is, How do you handle a situation like this. When is NO, NO...or am I missing something, Is it ok, for him to be with the women, even if he knows that I didn't want to be with them? It really had me angry !!!

[JustAskJulie]

No is ALWAYS NO! The fact that your husband completely disregarded your feelings is a huge red flag to me.

Do you guys have any rules about playing seperately? If you don't have rules regarding that OR you do allow it, then it's a little less of an issue.

Whatever the case, you need to sit him down and have a long chat and explain what it was that bothered you and how out of line it was. If he is going to continue to be that inconsiderate of your feelings then you both need to take a step back and stop swinging altogether until you have this and any other issues you may have resolved.

[fun_pairTX]

This is between you and your husband and you have to consult your own ground rules. Do you have a rule that says that we only play together (both of us or none at all). If you do you have a perfect right to be angry, he dropped the ball and his respect for you. If not this is something that needs to be addressed before you consider playing again. When you are new it is hard to cover all scenarios that can come up, but this is certainly one of them. Hope it all works out for the best.

[Miss_Piggy]

I absolutely agree with Julie here. In fact, I'll be surprised if anyone on the board has a different take on this one.

You husband completely disregarded your feelings. You need to tell him what you expected when you said, "No" and have a good long talk about why your feelings weren't respected.

[good times]

Welcome to the board wetandwild70121.

Originally Posted by wetandwild70121

My question is, How do you handle a situation like this. When is NO, NO...or am I missing something, Is it ok, for him to be with the women, even if he knows that I didn't want to be with them?

I guess it depends on whether you had agreed before hand to play only as a couple. If you did then what he did is not right, in my opinion. If you didn't make such an agreement beforehand then you need to sit down with him and make some boundaries or rules that you both will be comfortable with in the future. My wife and I have very few rules, but a few of them are, either one of us can say no to potential play partners, we only play together and either one of us can stop it at any time. Had we been in your situation and my wife had said she didn't want to play with this couple that would have been the end of it for us. On the other hand if we didn't have these rules, and she had said she didn't whish to play with the husband of the couple, and the wife of the couple was still willing to play with me, I may have done the same thing as your husband did.

[ore_cpl4fun]

Our advice is to stop any kind of swinging activities immediately, and start talking to each other. You need to get his side of the story, and you need to be very honest with him about how you are feeling, and how you felt that night.

For us this is all about sharing, and it is most definitely NOT about each of us ‘getting our own’ so to speak. This may have been an innocent mistake (hard to see it that way, but it could have been) but in any case you two need to have a discussion about what your rules are and how you felt when they were broken. Unless you two are on the same page, looking out for each other’s emotional well being and placing the other’s happiness at least equal to (if not above) your own, we predict very trying times ahead.

Successful swingers have very strong primary relationships, and treat each other with the utmost respect. Folks who are not secure in that first and foremost would be well advised to reconsider stepping into this arena.

Good luck, and we hope it works out for you guys!

DnA

[dave110256]

I agree with Julie on this and would even go a step further to say that your Husband wasn't swinging........he was cheating. You say "No" and he disregarded that........that's cheating in my book. Sorry if that seams a little harsh but I would have been furious.

[lizandtom]

Julie hit it right on the head. If everyone's not comfortable, it just shouldn't be. I'm the male 1/2 and on more than a few occasions I felt another couple was clicking well enough with us, but the Mrs. didn't, and I made it worse by trying to point out the "good" things about the other couples, but she just said NO and said to leave it at that and stop pressuring. We are new also but I've come to realize that better to abide by NO and to stay in for the long term, than to go for the quick (f)buck for my own satisfaction.

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by wetandwild70121

When is NO, NO...or am I missing something, Is it ok, for him to be with the women, even if he knows that I didn't want to be with them? It really had me angry !!!

If you're not Okay with it, then it isn't okay! Period. Unless of course, you and your husband allow solo play, but I'm assuming this isn't the case or you wouldn't be asking this question.

After you tried to "call him down on it" and he ignored your requests, what did you do while he was fucking her? Didn't she hear your requests if she was upon his lap? Did she ignore your protests too, and continue on with your husband? Where was her husband?

What kind of off-premises club allows people to fornicate on their chairs anyway?

Please answer the above questions so I can get a better idea of the situation.

[curious24]

Originally Posted by wetandwild70121

My husband pulled me to the side and asked if I would like to get a room. I told him no, that I really didn't feel attracted to the male at all.

Here's my take on this. It all comes down to this statement right here. Especially (like how everyone else has said) if you don't have any rules set. He asked you if you would like to get a room.. and then you told him that you really didn't feel attracted to the male at all. From my point of view that's all you said and I can understand why he got with the woman b/c you didn't say anything about her. Then again he didn't ask you about her etc blah blah.. but that's why it's good to have rules. Anyway, not trying to find an excuse for his actions just trying to help understand what he might have been thinking.

[intuition897]

Maybe we're not getting the whole story here. Do you two have all of your guidelines set up? If you're fairly new to the lifestyle, I'm guessing you're probably still hashing through the details. This is one of them. I always say, it's a contact sport; expect it to be messy and occasionally painful.

My feelings on this: If you made it perfectly clear that you were NOT interested in playing with this couple, and you have an only-play-together policy, well MEOW!!! I would be beyond pissed at him!! In my relationship with my husband, this would be a MAJOR faux pas. A simple misunderstanding is one thing, but if this is a matter of trying to play stupid (as in "OHHH, you meant BOTH of us weren't supposed to play!!" when he clearly should have understood this), then somebody needs to be set straight. Fast. Maybe I come off sounding a bit harsh, but this kind of blatant disregard for one's spouse has absolutely no place in the lifestyle. I'm wondering how this other woman's husband felt about the whole thing, or how she felt for that matter.

[duwannaball]

Okay, one thing keeps getting overlooked and I need to address. This was an off-premise site, correct? I've never been to one so I'm not sure, is it common for this type of thing to go on at these type of sites? Were there others having sex there as well? How strictly is/was it being enforced? Had this been an on-premise site I could maybe see how he misunderstood and thought it was okay for him to play but she wasn't into it. BUT, because this was an off-premise site, I don't think he should have assumed it was okay to play. If it was me, it wouldn't have even crossed my mind that he might possibly have sex with the other woman being that it is OFF-premise.

Wife says no + Site says no = one big NO-NO!

~DD

I'm surprised that the rest of the story isn't . . . So I knocked her off of his lap and stompped his nuts!!! There is absolutely no excuse for his behavior, not least of which that you guys were at an off-site club. If he can't follow the club rules, then how can he follow yours, assuming that you have them!

I think that this calls for a come-to-Jesus meeting to say that he better shape up and fly right. Even if you agreed that you could play with others one-on-one, he should have stopped immediately when you asked him to.

[bear_n_bunny]

The "off-premises" aspect isn't really that big a deal. There is a nominally "off-premises" club we go to that we have had sex at (oral) with another couple, albeit in a "back room" that is set aside for this sort of thing. The owners allow it to go on, as long as it's done without too much ostentation.

However, in this case the issue is not your hubby boffing this gal in the club, but his boffing her at all, as relates to what ground rules you had previously laid down for each other.

If you had not already established a "we both play or neither of us do" rule, or some variation on that theme, then you don't have a bitch coming.

But then this is one of those things that should have been settled long before you ever tried hooking up with your first couple.

On the other hand, if you already had such a rule, and he did it anyway, then he was out of line and should be called to account for his actions. And if this was the case, you need to back off from the lifestyle until both of you get a better handle on what is and is not permissible.

-- Bear