Broken Full Swap Boundaries

[BuNNyinmi]

My husband and I had our first real full swap this past saturday. We had both agreed to some very simply ground rules. Or atleast I thought they were very simply. They were as follows:

1. Always wear a condom.
2. Always same room.
3. Never finish with the other person.
4. No kissing.

Things did not go quite as planned. I ended up being in a seperate room then my husband. I felt a little disappointed that he let that happen but I also did not stop it. Getting to my concern is that my husband did not follow any of the above agreed upon things we set up prior to our first full swap get together.

He has tried to blame it on being drunk and thinking me and the other wife talked about things that were going to happen. I am very disappointed in my husband as in the past with any soft swap encounter we have ever had he has always talked to me about things and made sure everything that was happening was going good for me also. He did no such thing that night.

His reason for this is because he says he wanted to do it the way he wanted to do it.

I could really use some input on this situation.

[SexhoundDog]

Originally Posted by BuNNyinmi

He has tried to blame it on being drunk

Oh please, this is the most worn out excuse in the world. Tell him you don't buy into that shit.

And the other one that got me is "He wanted to do it the way he wanted to do it." I think you'd better set him straight REAL QUICK on this one and say "Uh honey, what about the way WE wanted to do it?"

He showed no respect for your feelings whatsoever, a big mistake if he wants you to continue swinging. I'm sorry for you that your husband doesn't appear to get it. I hope you can bring him around.

[BuNNyinmi]

I was drunk also and still knew just what I was doing.

His response will be that we have been doing this the last 2 1/2 years the way I wanted to do it with not making him feel as if he was included in the lifestyle and activities we did with couples.
Well correct me if I am wrong but we started this lifestyle so I could explore my bi-curious side and we are supposed to move forward at a level that we both are comfortable with. If one of us is not comfortable moving forward as fast as the other but is willing to in the future should that level of comfort not be respected. He keeps telling me that this and that is how it is in the lifestyle (refering to how other couples do things) and we should be doing it that way also. I have read 4 books on the lifestyle and every single one has said that we as a couple should make the lifestyle what we want to make it as a couple. Not what the other couples want. He has yet to read one of those books.

[wrnakedru]

Did you come to your list of simple rules together after discussing the things that were important to each of you? Or did you state the ones that you felt should be rules - and he, more or less, agreed to them?

I ask because of his remark that he "did things the way he wanted to do them."

Your follow up post indicates that prior to this experience you have been involved in activity that, it sounds, didn't actively include him. So you had agreed to going to the "next step", but maybe added the provided set of rules you would feel comfortable following as you expanded your activity.

Well, I think it's time to sit down and have that discussion again. You admit that you too did not stop the fact you were separating into different rooms, so it looks like neither of you was holding to the rules. I think maybe it's a good idea to include a new one - a first one, if you will - that no activity should happen when either of you have had "too much" to drink. A drink or two - maybe even three, depending on the time frame - can help serve to ease your nerves, relax you a bit and can be a help when utilized thusly.

I believe your experience has taught you both that too much to drink can mar your judgement and can end up with your activity bringing unhappiness to you both. It's all supposed to be about fun, so try to keep a clear enough head to define what exactly is "fun" for both of you - not only at the moment, but later on as well.

Take some time to be sure he hasn't been hampered for so long by whatever your prior activity has been that he is just gonna run amok with his new freedom. It is important to remember that yours is the relationship that matters most, and the lasting effects of your activity need to be good ones - not something you have to try to get over - each and every time.

Please take time for some serious discussion before you attempt any further playtime. Be honest with one another, so that you have no surprises to deal with in the midst of what should be pleasure.

[BuNNyinmi]

We did discuss different things that were important to both of us and came up with the list I posted. He did agree with them. I actually had others that I wanted but let them go because as time went by I realized they were not important enough for me to hang onto.

He was involved but just not the way he wanted to be involved. Since day one he has wanted to be a full swap couple. We started this with me exploring the bi side and then moving on to same room sex with own partners and then to soft swap. He has never been happy with any of this. He has pushed all along to move it along faster and faster.

Don't get me wrong I did do saturday night for him but I was happy to do it as the other husband is a very attractive man also as my husband is. It was just that we both agreed that there should be some kind of intimacy saved for us after an encounter and these things were the ones we both agreed to.

I would held to the rules if anything had happened with me and the other husband and I did atleast hold to the no kissing agreement. Nothing happened with me and him other then oral for him. With that happening I had the hopes that with these agreements at least I could get some sex from my husband but he had finished already and was ready to crash.

[Dave_kat]

Dave here, and I've got a couple of questions about this, as perhaps I'm not understanding your set rules. They seem to me already impossible to keep, just from an admittedly male point of view.

1. always wear a condom.. no issues there, wouldn't do it any other way
2. always same room, not so much of an issue, the majority of this lifestyle is about seeing the other person enjoy the happenings.
3. Never finish with the other person. Do you mean this as no ending up as two couples sleeping in different beds with the other's spouse, or is this related to orgasm, as in for him not to be able to have an orgasm (or two) without it being with you? When in a 3some situation, I can certainly understand, but when you come to full swing, that may not always be possible and might even seem rude to require him to disengage with her to come over to you to finish off. Part of the lifestyle is enjoying the happiness of the other and partaking in their enjoyment I would think that you as the female would enjoy one or several orgasms while engaging in intercourse (Personally I'd feel terrible if I wasn't able to get you to that point) and I'd think that you'd certainly be able to continue to have more as the party continues. It might take a bit of time to recharge, but after an event/playtime, I'm always back in kat's arms seeking more.

4. No kissing. I can somewhat understand that, but I question something as well. For both myself and kat, kissing is the beginning of arousal. A bit of intimacy like necking while talking and gradually building to the excitement of the whole evening. While kissing your S/O is certainly good as part of the build-up, kissing also let's the other party involved get a feel for things, for example, aggressiveness, response to things.

Now his response about being drunk I personally think was BS, and letting you go off into a room on your own, big mistake as well.. Truthfully though, if it was the way he wanted to do it, then you both need to sit down and review what happened, where things went wrong, and figure out if there are different viewpoints on what the rules mean, or even what else caused the whole situation

[JKBertha]

You know what, that pisses me off and he's not even my husband.

I mean, it's like, I would feel great, you had it your way....but crushed me doing it.

You know, I am very sorry this happened, and that has to be very hurtful. I don't know how you go on and fix it....but if he were my guy things would stop now. It's not the fact that your rules were unreasonable, cause it doesn't matter what rules were set. It's the fact that you both had agreed....bottom line. And you should never feel pressured or pushed into anything.

What do you think would happen to your marriage if you quit swinging? Would he stand by you in that decision? Or would he resent it? Because what he did is put his desires before your trust....and that's not cool.

Put him on this board, I'd love to have a rant at him .

I do hope you go on to be ok, I really do. And that things work out great. Now I think I must go take a happy pill, cause I'm pissed

[BuNNyinmi]

The same room was his idea because it is a huge turn on for him to see me pleasured by someone else and feeling as he is the one allowing it to happen.

I mean the never finish as him not cuming with another female. I was under the understanding though that if we are always in the same room that it would not be as complicated for him to finish with only me. I wish him being ready for more later was the case with him but it is not. Once he finishes he is done for the night. And I do see that is asking for a little much at this point. But I would think there are other things that could take the place of him finishing with only me.

The no kissing was agreed upon because it is a very intimate thing that would at least give us some intimacy left for just the two of us. We know several couples that do this. Necking is something to us that is completely different then kissing on the lips. I thought we both believed there were plenty of other places on a persons body that could be kissed with out taking away from us sharing something just for us.

Yes there are different view points. He is all for anything and everything and has been since day one with no regard for my comfort level.

[dave110256]

Sounds to me like a good set of rules to be followed. I would never do it without a condom, never go to a different room and always finish with my wife. The kissing thing I would have to disagree with though, just personally. I find it hard to get intimate without kissing and would never expect my wife not to also. But rules are rules if they were both agreed upon by both parties.
I think it's time to step back and find out just what your husband is looking for with these encounters, maybe he wants to do things his way.............not a good thing in my book.

[ALilOEverything]

For me this would be a trust and respect issue. You trusted when you made the agreements that he would adhere to them and he broke the agreement breaking trust. How could you trust what he was going to do if he didn't adhere to the rules the first time and then made excuses how it wasn't his fault (being drunk) and how he wants to be the ones to make the rules anyway. If he respected you he wouldn't have done any of this

You both definitely need to take a step back and work on communication, understanding (on his part), respect (again on his part) and rebuild the trust. I wouldn't go back into swinging until he respects the boundaries, does not resent them or you for putting them in place... and understands this is something you're doing for each other, not just him.

[20ishCouple]

I'm also very sorry to hear that this has happend to you. Your husband should have respected your opinion and your comfort level. Me, personally, I would never be comfortable with my guy and another girl in a different room. EVER! Even if he wanted to do that, I would have never backed down from the way I feel. That would have ended the whole evening for me. I hope that you and your husband come to terms with what happened during that encounter, and that you will move on and continue to explore the lifestyle. However, I like everyone else who has posted a response, think that it is time to sit down and talk before going on with any encounters. IMO I believe that your rules weren't too much to ask. Especially if you both agreed to them before hand. That is why we set rules, so no boundries are crossed, and nobody gets hurt. Sounds like to me that he needs to look up the meanings of RESPECT and Understanding. Always explore at the pace of the slowest person. This should be common knowledge. If he likes the whole "Full Swap" thing, why would he break the rules? He has to know that this will only make you alot more Uncomfortable. I completely feel for you and hope that things work out for the best. If you ever need to talk, feel free to message me. I'm always here to lend an ear.

Ms. 20ish

[WesternSwing]

Your rules are pretty simple, straight forward, and very common within the lifestyle. Except for #4 my wife and I have the same rules. So don't let him tell you that "this is the way they do it in the lifestyle" because that's not true for everyone.

You two need to talk it out, and he needs to realize that those rules are for both of your enjoyment, as well as your health. Swinging is a couple activity. Both have to be getting something from it. It only works when it is that way.

Maybe he'll realize what happened and the next time won't be that way. In the beginning, sometimes toes get stepped on as you learn and realize boundries, even if they were set out to begin with. In our first full swap experience we didn't use condoms, which we had agreed to. Things just got carried away in the heat of the moment. But, we have ever since.

Mr. WS

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by BuNNyinmi

He is all for anything and everything and has been since day one with no regard for my comfort level.

Definitely take a step back, stop all swinging activity and figure out why you're still willing to swing if he has no regard for your comfort level.

I'd have a hard time with some of the ground rules you have set- No kissing, No cumming, but if doing so made my husband uncomfortable, I'd have no choice but to follow them- because I respect his feelings.

Are your ground rules just for him or do you refrain from kissing other women too and not orgasming as well?

[BuNNyinmi]

No the kissing does not pertain to me kissing other women. It is just kissing the other sex.

All he can say about that night is that he was drunk and that is how he wanted to do things. Even after I asked the questions of why if he likes the idea of full swap so much why would he break our agreement and want to risk that it would make me more uncomfortable. He answers that as I am not fit for the lifestyle. No what I am not fit for is his form of the lifestyle where anythings goes from day one.

[20ishCouple]

Originally Posted by BuNNyinmi

He answers that as I am not fit for the lifestyle. No what I am not fit for is his form of the lifestyle where anythings goes from day one.

Ya know what my answer to that is? Well if he doesn't think you are fit for the Swinging lifestyle (or his idea of what the swinging lifestyle is all about anyway) then why would he even keep living it? Swinging has to work for the both of you. And while I am sure you are very content with swinging when the rules are followed, you are far from it when the rules are broken. He needs to take your feelings into consideration. That's just not fair. Swinging has to be a mutual agreement between the both of you. How fair is it for you to be uncomfortable while he gets his jollies? It's just not right. I hope your man realizes how good it is to even have a partner who was comfortable and trustworthy enough to even try the lifestyle. But by disregarding the rules that you guys set forth before the encounter even happend, just says that he doesn't value the relationship...thats just my opinion. I'm not meaning to come off rude, disrespectful, hurt you, or make you question your marriage...but thats just how I see it.