Wife got upset because I talked to her husband on webcam when she wasn't there

[DoubleL]

So my sweetie and I were talking with this couple that we were interested in maybe getting together with. Since neither he or I have any experience swinging, we wanted to go slowly and talk a lot online first about expectations, preferences, and just general things. Well, the other night after a few days of sending swappernet messages the male of this couple and I were online at the same time. We IMed for several hours, just talking. We barely even touched on the subject of sex, we were just getting to know each other. It's finals time for me and the entire time this was happening I was studying. I invited him to view my webcam, which he did. Now even if I weren't studying I wouldn't have "done" anything on it, just because that's really not my style. He was simply watching me study and talk to him.

Well, I wrote them a mail through swappernet last night and did not get a response. I saw that they had read it and knew that they had always responded promptly before, and I was confused. Tonight I saw him online, and apparently his wife doesn't want him to talk to us anymore because I let him look at my webcam "thinking he was alone". Well, yeah. I knew his wife was asleep. I didn't know they had a rule that they would only look at cams when they were both there (I learned that tonight). So he made a little mistake, but nothing "happened" so I'm not sure why it matters enough to not talk to us anymore.

: Is it bad form to invite 1/2 of a couple to view your cam if you know the other isn't there? IM in general? Did I violate some rule because I 'm a total beginner that I should have known about?

LittleL

[Luna66]

Double L, every couple has different rules. We, always try to find out who we are talking to, where the other one is and if its okay to, even just talk with out the other one being there. Some couples we talk to, it seems like I am always talking to the same one person. Some always communicate together. Its not your fault, if they had that rule he should of known better. They have a communication problem they have to work out themselves. Just try to get all the rules and regulations up front and always ask if the other partner would feel comfortable with what ever you are doing. Thats all you can do its up to them to be honest with their partners.
Luna

[stoutgatte]

We always assume the other person will say no if they are not allowed to do something. This has lead to situations where the hubby of the other couple was angry with me for doing something with the wife. Both were right there and neither said anything, we only found out the next day the hubby was unhappy. I did apologize (I was a little pushy and felt very guilty about it), and then explained to him, if you don't want something to happen, say no. If he said something I would have stopped immediately, but neither did...

To get back to how it applies to you, how were you supposed to know of their rule, it is not your problem, apart from the fact that she now don't want to talk to you. And of course, the question you have to ask yourself is, if they can't stick to a rule about webcams and then get angry at you for it, what will happen if they do something in a swinging environment, and the other don't like it. I seriously don't like the situation...

If I was you and still interested, I'd send them a message saying: "I'm sorry, I did not know about your rule and I feel it's your work to communicate it to people you chat with. I'm sorry if I offended you in any way, it was not the intention." If they still won't talk to you drop it, there are plenty of fish in the sea, they are not the only swinger couple out there who will be interested in you or you will find interesting.

Also (and this is only my opinion), I believe 2xfirst time couples will be way more difficult to all share a good experience, there is so many unknowns in swinging (especially on the emotional side during your first time) that doubling up the risk doesn't sit well with me. I'd suggest going with a more experienced couple who are at least comfy with their side of things for your first time. That way the only unknowns are your feelings and reactions... I'm not saying it can't work, I'm just saying you're doubling your risk of something simple going wrong...

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by stoutgatte

We always assume the other person will say no if they are not allowed to do something.

Dito

He broke their rule. You did not.

Don't kick yourself.

If he knew the rule and broke it, that says something about him. I mean, if his wife can't trust him...

Spoomonkey

[N&G]

I have to agree with what the others have posted but there is another possibility. Have you actually chatted with the wife on the phone or seen her on webcam? I suspect that she doesn't have a clue as to what he is doing and she caught him chatting with another woman while she was thought to be asleep. He probably falls into the "Married but cheating" category. If you never see him again it will be no loss.

[DoubleL]

Originally Posted by stoutgatte

If I was you and still interested, I'd send them a message saying: "I'm sorry, I did not know about your rule and I feel it's your work to communicate it to people you chat with. I'm sorry if I offended you in any way, it was not the intention." If they still won't talk to you drop it, there are plenty of fish in the sea, they are not the only swinger couple out there who will be interested in you or you will find interesting.

Well, I sorta already said that. I said:

Me: I'm not really sure I understand. You were watching me do homework, nothing more. I can understand that she is upset that you violated one of your rules, but I'm not sure that what "happened"--a conversation that included watching me sit at my desk--really warrants moving on. That said, I respect your decision, and we won't bother you again.
Him: thank you and I am deeply sorry.....but I will keep you on buddy list cause as soon as we get this straight I would like to talk with both of you again ...tell BigL im sorry too
Me: Well, write us if you'd like. Bye.
Me: bye

Now, as you guys have already said, it's a little weird for her to have kinda flipped out like that, and I had already thought of the, "geez, if she was upset about that, what if we did something wrong while we were all naked" argument. If he contacts us again, ok, but if he doesn't it's no big loss. I just want to get the most learning out of the learning experience as I can .

Originally Posted by stoutgatte

Also (and this is only my opinion), I believe 2xfirst time couples will be way more difficult to all share a good experience, there is so many unknowns in swinging (especially on the emotional side during your first time) that doubling up the risk doesn't sit well with me. I'd suggest going with a more experienced couple who are at least comfy with their side of things for your first time. That way the only unknowns are your feelings and reactions... I'm not saying it can't work, I'm just saying you're doubling your risk of something simple going wrong...

Which is why we were considering them, because they are very experienced. Not newbies at all.

Originally Posted by N&G

I have to agree with what the others have posted but there is another possibility. Have you actually chatted with the wife on the phone or seen her on webcam? I suspect that she doesn't have a clue as to what he is doing and she caught him chatting with another woman while she was thought to be asleep. He probably falls into the "Married but cheating" category. If you never see him again it will be no loss.

I have not actually chatted with her, but it was pretty clear to me that she was aware we had been talking and that she swings with him, he doesn't do it alone. She had seen (and admired ) photos of BigL, and the photos they had on swappernet implied that she was into it. He's also on there ALL THE TIME, it would be impossible to be on that much and her not know...

LittleL

[JustAskJulie]

As others have already said. It's up to each couple to make other couples aware of their rules. In this case if it wasn't ok for him to watch your webcam without his wife there with him then it was up to him to inform you of that.

At the same time tho I can understand why the other wife would take it the way that she did. If you haven't talked to her much anyway she doesn't know you so it's easy for her to look at you and see. "This woman that I don't know is talking to my husband when she knows that I'm not around" which can easily equate to "This woman is up to something and hitting on my husband".

I would imagine that coming out of this experience, if I were you, that I would never repeat the same thing and never attempt to talk to the opposite sex partner unless his wife were there with him or had already made it clear to me that it was ok.

It's easy to say that the other couple is responsible for their own rules and making their rules known to those they are interested in, but it doesn't always happen that way and too often we find out about another couple's rules only when we are involved in breaking them.

[TeamSoBe]

His mistake, not yours, don't feel bad.

[Dave_kat]

Kat here, but I think I can speak for Dave and I both on this one. Even if something had "happened" it wouldn't be your fault; it was THEIR rule that HE broke. Everyone and every couple has their own different boundaries and rules, it's up to them to make sure those are stated, explained and followed. I would say the female half of the other couple needs to seriously think about whether she can trust her man since he's the one who made the decision to break a rule only he knew about.

[WesternSwing]

Dito You had no idea they have this rule or that his SO would react this way (or she just made-up this rule after this incident). I would cool it with them anyway, if his SO has this kind of a problem with a webcam, imagine the drama if you actually hooked-up with them. :rollseyes

Mr. WS

[jcbicouple]

If this were the wife of the guy that broke their rules we would tell her to not play with the couple if she's uncomfortable now or doesn't feel as though he can be trusted to stick to their rules. Now we get to hear the other side of the story, and all we have to say is: You did nothing wrong. He did.
Unfortunately, You lost potential playmates, but it may be for the best in the long run. We wouldn't push the meeting them. His wife will no longer be comfortable, but you shouldn't feel guilty about that at all.

[WA_Cple]

I hate drama... and people who do not communicate are prime candidates for drama...

Ick!

Its not your fault... if he can't speak up for the rules of his marriage then you really don't need them.



Mrs WA

[stoutgatte]

Originally Posted by jcbicouple

If this were the wife of the guy that broke their rules we would tell her to not play with the couple if she's uncomfortable now or doesn't feel as though he can be trusted to stick to their rules.

You almost make it sound like we're being hypocritical. I believe the general approach to be right from both angles. If another couple makes you uncomfortable, don't play with them. If another couple can't stick to their rules, it's their problem. I really don't see any issue...

[jcbicouple]

Originally Posted by stoutgatte

You almost make it sound like we're being hypocritical. I believe the general approach to be right from both angles. If another couple makes you uncomfortable, don't play with them. If another couple can't stick to their rules, it's their problem. I really don't see any issue...

hmmmm...Sorry, Didn't mean to give that impression. We were refering to "we" as us, and in no way felt we were being hypocritical towards ourselves. We were saying the same thing you are: It's the couples problem. We just added that due to the way the couple likely feels right now, we wouldn't suggest pursueing the relationship.

[cpl4playmass]

we have a simple rule which is: all contact should be between all parties at the same time. If it's a single male he only talks to us when were together. If it's a couple, one of us may do the emails but when it comes down to any real-time interaction (chat, phone, meeting) all parties must be there.

This way it prevents any misunderstanding and weeds out the dogs.