Threesome didn't happen and bf hasn't explained why

[SableOnBlond]

I have a post over in the General forum, but the issue I have now is different than the one I started that post about, so I figured I would just start over and I think this is the appropriate forum? Whew.

Okay, so as I mentioned in my other post, my boyfriend and I had a surprise MFM last week. I say surprise because it was totally unplanned and unexpected. We haven't had a MFM in nearly a year! Well, me and our friend were kidding around and getting a little silly, but I didn't have a threesome in mind and wasn't trying to initiate anything, was just playing around. Then out of nowhere my boyfriend commented on how "hot" I was getting and how the three of us were going to have to do something about it. I was kind of like, "Huh?" But I wasn't exactly complaining.

But we didn't have very much time that night for anything beyond foreplay, considering that our threesomes usually last 4 or 5 hours. So my boyfriend was the one who kept saying that we all had to get together the next night and finish what we started. And we were all game, of course. So, it seemed set.

The next afternoon my boyfriend came over to my house, more wound up than I have EVER seen him. He stayed for several hours and the whole entire time he talked non-stop about that night's threesome, what we would do, which positions, every last detail. He had me all worked up and ready to explode! Then he left, and we planned to meet up at his house in a few hours for the festivities...

Well, I get to his house, excited and full of anticipation. Our friend wasn't there yet but I didn't think anything of it. We hung out in his livingroom for ten minutes or so, but then he took me to his bedroom and to my utter confusion he began intitiating sex. I didn't say anything, thinking us two would fool around together for awhile until our friend showed up. But no. We quickly had sex, and then afterwards hung out like normal. He never said ANYthing about the threesome! And to top it all off, when his friend called a little while later he just ignored the phone.

I KNOW that the obvious thing to do would have been to simply ask what happened to our plans. But here is the reason I did not want to bring it up. I am desperately afraid of making my boyfriend feel bad or inadequit (sp?). When he began to initiate sex I didn't want to say anything and make it seem like I had a problem with doing it just with him. You know? Like, "Hey, wait, I don't want to get into this with just you. Where's the other guy?"

I feel that since we are dealing with another man, I have to be very careful and sensitive not to appear too excited and possibly hurt my boyfriend. I work very hard to have a "Hey, if we have a threesome great, if not that's fine" attitude.

So a week has gone by, and still neither of us has made any mention of the threesome that never happened. I'm thinking I should say something, because I'm a little frustrated. I don't understand. When he came over to my house a few hours before our intended threesome, I was giving him head and he told me not to make him come because he wanted to save it up for later. He was SO excited! (Sorry if it's TMI). And then just three hours later it was like he forgot the whole thing!

I know the answer is to communicate, but I'm so afraid of bringing it up and making my boyfriend feel bad. I guess I kind of feel like since we are dealing with another man and it was his friend first, then I should not really have any say in what happens and it should all be up to him. Does that make sense?

And what should I do when the three of us hang out again? Should I say something like, "Well, what about that threesome?" Or just go on as if nothing happened? Maybe since I never bring it up or initiate anything, he fears that I am really not that into it. He loves nothing more than to go on about what a slut I am (in a good way ) But the fact is I'm really not...I'm entirely too shy! Maybe he wants to see ME initiate something or at least bring it up? Arrgh.

As you can see, I tend to overanalyze.

[MoonLightKiss]

Originally Posted by SableOnBlond

I know the answer is to communicate, but I'm so afraid of bringing it up and making my boyfriend feel bad. I guess I kind of feel like since we are dealing with another man and it was his friend first, then I should not really have any say in what happens and it should all be up to him. Does that make sense?

You already have your answer hun...but your frustrations are understandable. Its hard to know where communication ends and becomes something to make your SO feel bad. The line stands for us at Intention. Do we intend to make the other feel bad or are we simply curious/wondering/needing to talk? Rhetorically speaking.

It seems that there is a communication issue here. As far as I know, the most successful swingers have a communication line open so wide its impossible to touch the sides, so my advice is to fix this issue before continuing. The last thing you want is to have a misunderstanding due to non communication.

As far as bringing it up, I would say do it in the least threateningly way if you fear his reaction...Tell him up front "hey I was just thinking about that night, and was curious...what ever happened?" Do it over breakfast or something. Simply bring it up in normal conversation. For my husband if I need to approach something delicately I do it while cooking. I can keep my hands busy and its casual enough to be non threatening. If he chooses to get offended, I can say darlin, "I didn't mean it that way. I am sorry. Why don't we discuss it further after dinner and the kids are in bed?" This gives him and me both time to sort through what was said. It also gives me time to find a way to reword it so its not so abrassive and him time to absorb it knowing I didn't mean to bring up something offensive. Usually by the time we get the kids to bed he is saying "I know you didn't mean anything by it, why don't we talk about it? I will try to listen better." We have avoided alot of arguments this way. And we have learned over time to talk instead of argue. Its a tip from my marraige counselor we had several years ago.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by SableOnBlond

And then just three hours later it was like he forgot the whole thing!

Cold feet?

Originally Posted by SableOnBlond

I know the answer is to communicate, but I'm so afraid of bringing it up and making my boyfriend feel bad. I guess I kind of feel like since we are dealing with another man and it was his friend first, then I should not really have any say in what happens and it should all be up to him. Does that make sense?

No, not really. While your relationship with your boyfriend must remain your second highest priority, your absolute #1 priority is to self-advocate for your rights as an individual. NEVER allow anything to become more important than your self-respect. For this reason, you not only have the right to have a say in what happens, you have a responsibility to agree or disagree with any plans that are made.

Originally Posted by SableOnBlond

And what should I do when the three of us hang out again? Should I say something like, "Well, what about that threesome?" Or just go on as if nothing happened?

If this awkwardness is a serious concern, you might want to rethink getting involved with a close friend of your boyfriend's. It could cause problems between the two of them, and you'll end up with a nasty little love-triangle thing going on. Not exactly your happy-place.

If you choose to get involved with a friend like this, realize that this "weirdness" is a very real risk. If the threesome happens very naturally without any jealous on anyone's part, open and plain communication, and well-recognized relationship boundaries...then it could work. It's just really rare.

Originally Posted by SableOnBlond

Maybe since I never bring it up or initiate anything, he fears that I am really not that into it. He loves nothing more than to go on about what a slut I am (in a good way ) But the fact is I'm really not...I'm entirely too shy! Maybe he wants to see ME initiate something or at least bring it up? Arrgh.

As you can see, I tend to overanalyze.

Perhaps you should let him read what you wrote here. All too often we see folks telling complete strangers exactly what they should be telling their partner. Why not try talking to him the same way? If this is truly the way you feel, it is what it is. Don't leave it unsaid.

[JustAskJulie]

I agree with the above... either a) he got cold feet... or b) he got himself so worked up thinking about the idea that he just couldn't wait anymore... then after you guys had sex he didn't answer the phone because he'd lost the mood (after using it all up on you).

I don't see anythign wrong with bringing it up and just saying "hey whatever happened to that threesome we were going to have the other day. We're gonna need to reschedule that." and just see what he says.

[WesternSwing]

Okay, without reading any of the other replies first, here is my initial thoughts on the matter.

What seemed really hot at the time it was about to happen scared the hell out of him when it was actually planned. When you're horny and not thinking past that release, things like that can seem really hot. Hence, all those one night stands people regret the next day.

I do think you are on the right track and being very sensitive to your boyfriend's feelings. It is very hard to say "what happened to that threesome" when you know the reason he may not have gone through with it is that for him, at the time, the fantasy was hotter then the reality was later.

I also think you do have to communicate to him that although you are glad it was just you two that night (taking the pressure off him) he had you pretty worked-up for that MFM and you feel like it wasn't really fair to you to get you all into it and then not follow through. Remind him of how he would feel if you'd done the same thing to him with one of your girlfriends. Let him know that it's really not that important that you have a MFM, but that it was also not fair to tease you with it. If it is just hot-talk, then it has to be clear that it is just hot-talk and nothing more. This kind of wishy-washiness is not fair to you or your relationship.

Hope that helps.

Mr. WS

[SableOnBlond]

Wow, thank you again guys!

So I took the advice and did bring it up last night. And was suprised by how simple the answer was. On the night in question his friend was called out of town, and now he is having a small personal problem so that is why he hasn't been around. I have no idea why my boyfriend never just told me this at the time.

I guess because I didn't ask...duh. Going to have to work on that.

I'm learning...albeit very slowly.

[SableOnBlond]

Hmmmmm, okay - this is kind of a continuation of my situation.

Well, I found out that the problem with our friend is that while he was out one night, he ended up having too much to drink and had unprotected sex with a girl he had just met. Not really like him at all. So now he wants to get tested before getting involved again with my boyfriend and I.

The problem is that now he is avoiding me, and will not come over even to hang out. I don't think he knows that *I* know about his circumstances. That is kind of personal, and I wouldn't want to bring it up to him. I really think he is afraid that if he is alone with us I will be expecting something, and he doesn't want to turn me down or let me down. Especially considering the last time we were together, we had a threesome planned for our next meeting.

I don't care about a threesome or messing around, he is a good friend and I just miss hanging out with him. I am wondering if I should say something to him? Like, come right out and tell him that I just miss him coming over, and I don't expect anything from him? I don't want him to feel pressure, as though every time he comes over we just look at him as a piece of meat. Even my boyfriend, when I ask if Andrew is coming over, automatically assumes that I am asking about a threesome. How do I rectify this?

Or should I just stay back and let him come around again when he's ready?? I just hate thinking that he feels like he has to hide out or is letting us down.

[MoonLightKiss]

This is the very reason we choose to live by the adage of "Tis easier to make friends with playmates than to make friends into playmates."

However, to each his own. That't the wonderful world of swinging. You can do what you like with no judgement unless you are lying and cheating. Others have played well with friends successfully. And that is a good thing. But our friends tend to be too uptight on occasion when it comes to sex and we are too afraid of ruining a good friendship for one night of fun.

If it were me, and I am by no means saying you should or shouldn't do this, only saying that if it were me...

I would call a stop to playing with my friend. I would call him up and explain to him that I appreciate his friendship too much to jeopardize it. I would tell him I would rather remain friends than play with him. And then I would say the reason I am explaining all of this is because I had the impression that he was avoiding me. Then I would just sit back and see what he had to say. I would also just straight up tell my husband that just because I ask how someone is doing or if he had talked to him, does not mean I am asking after the threesome. He is a friend and I am asking in that context. Then I would tell my hubby that if he cannot accept that then perhaps we should rethink our rule involving friends into our playtime. That I would not want to make him uncomfortable or have him thinking all I can think about is sex with his friend. Then I would sit back and see what my husband said.

But like I said, thats just me and how I would handle it. Your situation may be different then what I am picturing. I hope it all works out great for you.

[SableOnBlond]

Thank you for your response, MoonLightKiss

This is the very reason we choose to live by the adage of "Tis easier to make friends with playmates than to make friends into playmates."

That is probably true for most people I am sure, however my adage is the exact opposite. I'd much rather get involved in swinging with people I've known for a long time and already consider friends. Though I will allow that there is certainly more drama inherent in that kind of thing. Heaps more, probably.

I would call a stop to playing with my friend. I would call him up and explain to him that I appreciate his friendship too much to jeopardize it. I would tell him I would rather remain friends than play with him. And then I would say the reason I am explaining all of this is because I had the impression that he was avoiding me.

Yes, that is along the lines of what I was thinking about saying. I am just a little afraid of looking totally stupid, in the event that maybe he really has been too busy lately. The other day the three of us were out at a club, I had no idea he was even going to be there until the boyfriend and I arrived. We had fun, and then toward closing time I asked him if he wanted to come over to bf's place. I guess it probably sounded as though I only had one thing in mind, even though I didn't. I really should have clarified myself then, and wish I would have. I feel bad, like I put him on the spot.

I guess he feels embarrassed about what he did, but I don't know why he won't come out and just explain it to me. Maybe he doesn't want me to know. But I guess I just want to let him know that he doesn't owe me anything and I miss having him around, as a friend, but I'm afraid that will sound so horribly sappy!

The only chance I will have to see him is over the weekend, and then after that I have no idea when the next time will be. So I've thought about going and tracking him down and telling him what I want to say. But I wonder if maybe it will be better to just leave him completely alone, until he sorts out whatever it is he needs to. On the other hand, there is so much I want to get off my chest.

We don't exactly have a very close friendship. We've never talked on the phone, we don't hang out together without my boyfriend. I've only just started hanging out with him again for the first time in several months. I don't even know if he even knows I consider him a friend. I'd really like for us both to be on the same page. Funny that we've known each other for so long, have slept together, and yet there is still a very large divider between us.

Any more advice on just what I should say to him, and how to bring it up? Yeah, what a noob, I know...