Lied to him in the past, do I tell him the truth now?

[kittii]

Hi All

Thanks for taking the time to read my message.

I have a bit of a dilema, and I was wondering if anyone might be able to give me some advice.

When my husband and I first started going out, he asked if I had been with woman before, as I seemed to get turned on by them (which I do and have always known that I was bi/bi curious even though I had not done anything with another woman before).

Well, I told him that I had been with another girl (a complete and utter lie i know). He got extremely turned on by this and started asking me questions, like what her name was, what did she look like, what did we do etc - so I made up this whole story about me and this other girl and what we did together.

As our relationship was progressing, we talked about what had happend between me and this 'other girl' and it became a feature in our sex life. We also talked about him seeing me with other men, and also having sex with other couples. Both of us are very open to trying different things sexually, and both enjoyed discussing the above senarios.

My husband and I then started looking at some swinging sites and decided to post some ads to see what would happen, off the back of what we had been discussing in bed etc.

Anyway, after much searching, chatting etc, last weekend we met up with a fantastic couple and ended up soft swinging with them, and for me it was great as it was my first ever time with another woman, and I enjoyed the experince emensly (as did my husband watching us!!). We are now looking to soft swing a couple of more times before full swapping.

My problem is do I now tell him after all this time, that last weekend was my first time ever with another woman, or do I not tell him at - all leaving him none the wiser. On one hand, I feel that we would have got into the swinging scene regardless of the fact that I lied, but on the other I feel wracked with guilt as I feel I should have been honest with him in the first place, as I haven't been able to share my true feelings about my first experience.

I know this has been a long winded post, but any suggestion, ideas, advice and help would be greatfully appreciated.

Kind regards

Kittii

x

[sexyshelby]

Hmmm...that is a tough one. But I think it's better to come clean now rather than wait too much longer.

Honesty and trust are staples in a strong swinging relationship, and the longer you wait the more damage you are going to cause.

~SS

[intuition897]

I say tell him. You never know, he may be totally turned on all over again once he finds out he just witnessed your first time with another woman.

Of course, there is a risk here, because you were untruthful. When you tell him you want to bring up a few important points:
1) You regret being dishonest with him, and you do not want to have a lie hanging between you. Being 100% upfront with him in all things is your highest priority.
2) You need to explain the reason that you told him the story. You saw that it turned him on, and you wanted to turn him on even more, so you fudged a little. Next thing you knew, the lie took on a life of its own and spiralled out of control.
3) You love him and value your relationship very much, and you don't want a stupid mistake to undermine it, so you're hoping that he can understand that you didn't lie to hurt him. It was a lapse of judgment, and you hope he can forgive you.

I don't know your SO at all, so it's hard to say how he'll react. If he's intensely insecure or has a temper, he might blow up at you...or pout. But hopefully, he's a big boy and appreciates your desire for honesty in your relationship and can let this mistake go. Good luck, and keep us posted, Kittii

[WildMiCouple]

From a guy's perspective.....go ahead and tell him. Any disappointment that he may feel for your deception will undoubtedly be balanced by experiencing your first time with you.

As Intuition said, just let him know the truth....that you made it up to feed his fantacy facelick Believe me, he'll more than understand and respect you more for opening up and being totally honest with him.

Brett

[dayhiker]

hi kittii,
I think you have to tell to get past the guilt. Guilt can cause some serious problems over the long run. I was thinking that you could make the story you told to be your fantasy and not a real experiance but sounds like that might only be partly true.

good luck.
dayhiker

[WonderWhat]

By all means, tell him, just the way Intuition says.

And go all the way and tell him about all the other "little lies" so you can get it over with, for once and for all. That way you put your guilt to rest and stop worrying about tripping yourself with the snowballing fabrications.

And, more importantly, that will quench any possible questions in his mind about any other possible lies.

One of the important reasons my first, 12-year marriage broke up is because I stopped trusting my ex. Her lies snowballed into whole glaciers, even when confronted with the facts. It made me think that her whole life, and our marriage, was a lie.

Yes, mine is an extreme example, and you might think that you won't go the same way, but if I were you, I'd be on the safe side.

On the other hand, my current marriage is based on truthfulness and trust. Any "little lies" have been 'fessed up and forgiven on both sides. It doesn't mean we're open books; anybody needs private head-space from their SO, and the SO needs to respect it. But no lying should be needed to keep that space private.

I learned a great lesson from my first marriage's failings, and I chose someone I could be completely truthful with, and who is truthful with me. Someone who can respect my privacy and knows how to keep her privacy without resorting to lies, aggression or paranoia.


In a nutshell, if you come clean, come clean all the way. If he loves you, and is a well-balanced person, he'll recognize your confession as what it is: the realization that lies will hurt your relationship, and that you love him more than your pride. It's not easy, but it's better than the alternative.

[Coupleinidaho]

(Mr. here) I think Intuition is right. While a lie is a lie, in the grand scheme of things, this is one that was made up for his enjoyment. Even if he is a bit hurt/put off by the news, he should get over it rather quickly, and he will appreciate your honesty. As a bonus, he'll know he was there for the first time you were with a woman. =)

[Lovinlife59912]

Dito , Get it over with so that you don't work yourself up so much. He should understand and then you will feel good about the fact that from here on out it will be total honesty.

[kittii]

Hi All

Thank you ever so much for all of your advice - it has been extremely refreshing to hear it from other people - instead of it going round and round in my head.

I think i will tell him tonight - I'll keep you all posted on how it goes.

Many thanks again - you peeps know what your talking about - will definately be back on here again!

Cheers

Kittii

Keep your fingers crossed for me.xxx

[bklyn_40]

From personal experience DON'T TELL HIM. If you feel guilty about it you can & should say the event was so exciting to you it felt like the first time, but better. If he pushes, you can say your first was so long ago, that this felt so much better.
Otherwise he can possibly start thinking "What else has she lied about?"

[surgingwaves]

I am 62, my wife of 39 years and faithfull I may add. are now looking at getting into swinging…softly for now.
For what it’s worth from a newbi:
If my wife told me a little white lie, when we started this journey together, because she noticed the story excited me; and then as we grew together and nourished each other for all those years and then if we as a couple had matured enough in our dedication to each other that we could now include others…and if she at last lived out a fantasy that she had lived in her imagination while telling and whispering and feeding my sexual fetish all these years and she still worried about hurting me by letting me believe in a dream… I would stand in awe at her and wonder how a man could be so lucky as to find a woman like her.
You are a very rare and precious lady.

[Edison Carter]

Edison here---Ya know, I'd just leave it be since you've told so many stories of your adventures. Even though it's not the same, a friend of mine, Ted, cheated wiht a one time, one night stand. He was away for months on duty, it was stupid and he asked me whether he should tell his wife. I explained that the only reason to do it was to make him feel better, because she certainly wouldnt be feeling great about it. Anyway, he decided not to compound one mistake with another and has a great marriage since his error. Now, Sam had a simialr event and told his wife. To this day he doesn;t go anywhere or spend a nickel without his wife's understanding. This was their agreement because he broke their trust and therefore everything in his life had to be in full disclosure......forever. Sometimes discretion is better than truth.

[Additude]

Kitty,

What a tangled web we weave my dear.....

Actually I would say your "Lie" has done no harm and that you should keep it to yourself and enjoy the experience and pleasure it has brought you and your husband.

Some "lies" are better kept "secrets" if you know what I mean as some lies will change their face value.

Keep it cool and enjoy your new found experiences with hubby.

[JM153]

I agree with Attitude - No Harm No Foul rule applies here. Of course, you have to deal with your guilt and that might requrie a confession. If you can, chalk it up to another lesson learned and in the future be honest about your desires.
JM