He's never satisified with the outcome of our swinging experiences

[sweetmelissa]

Hi everyone.
First, I'd like to say this board is an AWESOME source of non-biased information about the lifestyle. Thank you to the organizers and people who post here!

I need some advice- this is a complex situation so please read the whole post. My husband and I have been married for nearly 16 years, in the lifestyle for the past 1 1/2 years. We love each other very much and have always had a pretty good sex life outside the lifestyle. as originally the one interested, and we attended parties as voyeurs at first, then I initiated our first "real" experiences in the lifestyle out of curiosity and also the desire to please him. Things started out great- we both enjoyed our experiences and they added to our sex life at home- which was our true goal anyway. We have settled into a once-a-month swing experience schedule (usually a lifestyle party and we usually stay overnight) and have stayed at the soft-swap (oral) stage mostly because I feel that intercourse is very intimate and should be reserved for he and I alone.

Here is my problem: Lately (say the last 4-5 months) he doesn't seem to be satisfied with the outcome of our swing experiences no matter what happens, and gets upset. Either he is "not involved enough" like when we end up in a mostly girl-girl situation and all the guys watch, or because we have to leave (we have children and not always overnight babysitting), or because we don't hook up with anyone for whatever reason, or once because there was a really obnoxious guy who wouldn't shut up the whole time and kept distracting everyone. The last time, we had a good experience with another couple (at least I thought so), but afterwards he started questioning me about why I won't full swap, because to him oral is just as intimate as intercourse, or so he says. He was also upset because I took a long time getting ready for the party (to me getting ready and looking sexy is also a turn-on) The bottom line is he seems to have a very short fuse and we tend to get into an argument regardless of how the evening ends up (sometimes the fight happens the next day). So instead of feeling closer to each other, the experience ends on a sour note for both of us. In my mind, this negates the whole reason we are supposed to be doing this, which is to bring us closer together.

This last time, I told him I didn't want to do it (swing) anymore because it seems to be causing so many problems between us. However, I am conflicted because I DO enjoy many aspects of the lifestyle and it has brought us much pleasure in the past. He said Okay, but I can tell he is not happy with my decision, and to be truthful, I would really like to have some involvement in the lifestyle because it is fun and has brought us closer in the past. Please, has anyone else out there had a situation like this? Our marriage comes first always!!! I would like to continue with the lifestyle, is there a way to do it and also keep the peace? Help!!!

[sweetmelissa]

OOPS, didn't proofread this first- in the first paragraph I meant to say that HE was originally the one interested in the lifestyle, and we attended parties as voyeurs for a while before I initiated our first hands-on experience.

[VegasLee]

Swing is supposed to be fun for all involved. Once it is not fun, there is no reason to do it.

Seems that you need to sit down with your husband. Explain that you do enjoy swinging but that it has not been fun because of the out come. Don't fight about it, talk about it.

If you still want to swing then you both need to review your rules and see what works for BOTH of you. If you can not come to an agreement that you both are happy with then don't swing.

Your relationship and happeniness is more important then swinging. If you can not live without the swinging then your only other choice is to live without your husband.

Time to make choices. Hope you make the one that makes you and yours happy and it all works out for the best.

[r0x0rNb0x0r]

I have found that when one partner or the other it's having the fun them would like to be having it is time to take a look at maybe leaving the lifestyle for a time and and maybe finding other interests and at a later time come back to it.....sometimes you dont know what your missing till its gone.

b0x0r

[WesternSwing]

I would imagine, sweetmelissa, that the reason your husband is dissatisfied with the outcome is that he isn't getting nearly the enjoyment out of it you are. In my soft swap experiences Mrs. WS gets lots and lots of attention from both the husband and the wife and usually has several orgasms. The attention I get from just the other wife is good, but usually not all the way to orgasm, upon which I finish with Mrs. WS. She gets fun with them and me, and I get fun with pretty much just her. Yup, leaves me feeling cheated.

Could this be happening in your situation? It would definitely explain his wanting to change to full swap.

Mr. WS

[r0x0rNb0x0r]

He makes a very good point

[intuition897]

You know it's funny. I've noticed that folks tend to communicate to strangers on a message board in exactly the same way they should be communicating with their partner. I'd say read him the post you wrote. Then ask him - really - what does he want out of the lifestyle? Because it doesn't seem to be a good experience for either of you anymore. So what's up?

It doesn't have to be angry or confrontational. You're just asking because, as you said, your marriage comes before all else, and you don't want anything to come between you.

[sexyshelby]

Intuition makes a good point. Why are people willing to pour their hearts out to complete strangers, but not to their own SO?

~SS

[HappyPeople]

Maybe he's burned out on swinging. Why not take a little break and see what happens down the line?

[r0x0rNb0x0r]

Originally Posted by sexyshelby

Intuition makes a good point. Why are people willing to pour their hearts out to complete strangers, but not to their own SO?

~SS

Damn do you ever have anything good to say to anyone.....HATER

[Vespertine]

Please refer to this post r0x0rNb0x0r.

[BradAndJanet]

Originally Posted by r0x0rNb0x0r

Damn do you ever have anything good to say to anyone.....HATER

I'm confused by your comment to sexyshelby. Perhaps you were kidding, but that is not clear from your post.

If you were not kidding, then you owe her an apology. Nothing she said there could possibly be construed as mean or unkind.

-B

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by r0x0rNb0x0r

Damn do you ever have anything good to say to anyone.....HATER

Actually - she is one of the board favorites... Stick around - you'll grow to love her

We're usually pretty nice here and encourage you to be the same. You'll enjoy the boards much better if you are.

Spoomonkey

[sweetmelissa]

Originally Posted by WesternSwing

I would imagine, sweetmelissa, that the reason your husband is dissatisfied with the outcome is that he isn't getting nearly the enjoyment out of it you are. In my soft swap experiences Mrs. WS gets lots and lots of attention from both the husband and the wife and usually has several orgasms. The attention I get from just the other wife is good, but usually not all the way to orgasm, upon which I finish with Mrs. WS. She gets fun with them and me, and I get fun with pretty much just her. Yup, leaves me feeling cheated.

Could this be happening in your situation? It would definitely explain his wanting to change to full swap.

Mr. WS

I appreciate all the constructive comments from everyone-- but someone help me out here. Western Swing (above), you sound just like my husband when he is complaining about being left out! The fact is that many of the men in these situations seem to be perfectly happy watching the girls play and joining in with their own spouse as is appropriate. (In my opinion, those guys are lucky to be there and are truly living most men's fantasy anyway.) The fact is, I do not feel comfortable with full swap, maybe I never will, and pressure to full swap (from couples or my husband)is a big turnoff for me. He knows this and presses the issue anyway, usually hurting my feelings in the process. This is all really beside the point anyway, because the issue here is that various sources of his dissatisfaction (not always due to soft swap issues) are leading to conflict with my husband.

[EvilMJ]

I can understand what you are saying. There are times my husband gets fed up with the lifestyle becuase he can't find what he is looking for - meaning there is no woman there at the time that he finds he wants to hook up with , or he gets some mixed signals that he claims he is just not 'wired to deal with.' It can get frustrating at times when we go out and I get lots of attention but he just doesn't seem into it.

Now don't get me wrong, hubby is an attractive man, but he is just not very interested in mind games, drama or confusion in general, the poor man likes things straight forward and clear. So yes, it can be very difficult when one partner is having fun and the other is not.

We took a break for a little over a month to straighten ourselves out and see what we wanted to do. I agree that in your case Hubby has gotten to the poitn where he wants full swap and feels that you may be getting the better end of the stick on this one. I guess you really need to sit down and figure out how far you are willing to progress, and if it is not enough for him - if you should continue in the lifestyle.