Should I tell my husband I wasn't having orgasms?

[mde 4764]

Why would you even concider telling hubby? The only thing you will accomplish is hurting him. You're having fun now, so enjoy it. Let sleeping dogs lie.

[Nymph an' Satyr]

If my wife told me that "truth" I would freak. Our relationship would be damaged, and we would definitely stop swinging till things got fixed. Maybe longer- I would have to deal with the fact that it took another man to bring my wife to orgasm- NOT a pretty fact here. It would erode my sense of masculinity, etc.

My suggestion is that it should go into the white-lie catagory. Everything is fine now right? So let's pass on the past. Nothing good will be served by unburdening your conscience at this point. Would you tell your husband that his receding hairline bothered you? Same thing...let it pass, and enjoy things for what they now are!

[YZF]

For the longest time, my ex-wife could not come during intercourse. I would get her off orally and by masturbating her after I was done. This was for about five years. Right after the birth of our second child, she came for the first time while we were having intercourse. I remember that time distinctly because she came after about a minute then almost every minute after that.

She was like that from then on and we also discovered that she would also come quickly and often during anal sex (which she had loved ever since I introduced her to it). It made sex 100 times more enjoyable for both of us because I took great pleasure in seeing her enjoy herself.

I really have no idea what brought this on, but neither one of us ever complained.

We really hated each other when we divorced (this is no exageration), hate each other just as passionately now, but even so, we still have this great sexual attraction to each other and can't keep from having fucking each others brains out whenever we find ourselves together and alone.

She needed a swing partner once when she got invited to a swingers party (something she had never done) and we wound up having only sex with each other. We tore into each other so bad, we drew a crowd that cheered us on.

[bear_n_bunny]

Hon, don't tell him. It's all well and good to prattle on about "being completely honest" in a relationship, but too much of anything, even honesty, is not necessarily a good thing.

The male ego is probably the most fragile thing in the known Universe. We all know here that this situation (you only having orgasms now) is not his fault, that he was doing nothing wrong. But I can just about guarantee you that if you tell him this, odds are he will take it wrong.

Why cause needless problems? After all, this is not something you would be withholding for a malicious reason, but rather to protect him from being hurt needlessly. Perhaps in the future, after a few years, you may tell him. But now? No. There's really no need.

Besides, if he is a really proficient, and more importantly, observant lover, he's known all along you were not cumming, and kept his own counsel to protect YOUR feelings. (Believe me, if you know what to look for, it's actually quite easy to tell when a women is faking orgasm, as there are certain physiological responses that cannot be emulated.)

For now at least, let it alone, and just enjoy your new-found pleasure.

Also, there is nothing all that unusual about not having orgasms until later in life. I have known many women who, for a number of reasons (often involving trust and comfort level problems resulting from abuse), did not start having orgasms until in their forties or even fifties. So consider yourself fortunate that you got past whatever issues you had fairly early in life, as there are a lot of people out there who do not.

-- Bear

[rainsfuct]

I think, as others have said, that this is an issue of honesty and communication.

Interestingly, you have chosen not to be honest to your husband these past 13 years....actually, more to the point you have chosen to be dishonest.

If you bring it up now, he'll be hurt for a couple of reasons...one because you were not truthful with him (he'll wonder what else you haven't been honest about). Two, he'll be bummed that it wasn't him, and then he'll wonder what else that person (or someone else) can do for you.

If you all had a history or pattern of honesty, and dealing with things that come up in an honest way, then this is not an issue. However, in this context, I think it would be a big issues indeed.

As an aside, one of the most refreshing things on this board, is that the people who succesfully manage the LIfestyle, also particpate in the most open, honest and stable relationships I've ever seen.

If the relationship isn't stable and open, then the Lifestyle causes significant problems in the relationship -- but I'm not sure the Lifestyle is ultimately the culprit....

[Miss_Piggy]

Originally Posted by rainsfuct

Interestingly, you have chosen not to be honest to your husband these past 13 years.

This is what really gets me about this one. You've chosen to be dishonest all this time and now you want to be honest. It just seems like the wrong time. I have to agree with bear here. You don't have to tell him this right now - maybe one day... but not now.

As much as I am a fan of honesty, I just don't see what he would gain with this knowledge. You made a mistake by lying to him all this time. Perhaps it would help you to feel better to get this off your chest... but really, you were the one who did the lying and you are the only one who will gain from your telling the truth (ie you might not feel so guilty anymore). For his sake, keep this one to yourself.

cant figure how to register but thought youd like to know
i started the thread about faking it for 13 years
saturday i walked through th kitchen while hubby was doing dishes. he told me they put the letters on the keyboard to slow down typsts so the keys wouldnt stick. i was in the backyard before i realized why he told me. i ran back in and we both said = did you? at the same time. he read my post an knew it was me that was faking orgasms. we had long talk decided not to worry about past enjoy the future had great sex non stop didn't put clothes on all weekend. talking about going to nudist park near colton next week. reading your stories to each other. they'r great id love to get my sunday school teacher in bed. cant believe how slutty we became. even gave pizza guy a thrill.
naked at door. better be careful or get arrested.
maisey
ps your story link doesn't work.
your site is wonderful. love it
i can spell. just slow with one finlger. dont know how to correct. ill get hubby to show me if i can leave him alone long enough,

[JustAskJulie]

Thanks for coming back and sharing with us. I merged your new post with the original thread to keep everything together.

To register, just go to the top menu and choose "register" from the links there and provide the required info. The story link works but since the update it's had a little glitch and sometimes it doesn't work the first try (sends you back to the forums instead of the stories - I'm looking into that) but if you try it again it will work.

[ALilOEverything]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

we had long talk decided not to worry about past enjoy the future had great sex non stop didn't put clothes on all weekend.

I'm glad it worked out this well for you, I really thought it would hurt his feelings too. It's so hard to know how someone would react, you're really lucky to have an understanding husband like that.

[autumn528]

That's a great story. You two must have a strong relationship. That's very importamt to the lifestyle. Things like that can kill a guy's confidence, but you two are obviously in tune to each other. Good stuff!

[sxsurfers]

You know your post is very interesting...it made me think about my situation..
we have been together for 14 years... she has said over the years that she enjoys sex but can't cum during intercourse...not with me or any man...never has ..she does have orgasms other ways, masterbating with toys by herself or with me...once in a great while we do dp with a vibrator and me and that works very well... she says that when she was younger she over complicated the way she masterbated , and thats why she is the way she is...
when we were younger making her cum was my great quest, i read lots of different books, even got videos on the subject... we tryed them all twice at least...(lol) i got to the point where i figured we(i) were trying to hard..and when it happens it happens....
so good sex for us basicly ends with getting out the vibrator and her finishing the job....
we have been swinging for about 4 years now , and we are a full swap cpl.. we have had quite a few great encounters and have become good friends with some of the people we have met..we are not pros ,we enjoy swinging when we get the chance...it can very from once a month to not being active for 6 months or maybe more... swinging has brought us closer, helped us communicate better, made our sex life hotter, and even increased our love for one another...its as honest as it gets.... Or is it ????
reading this post made me think about a few of our swinging senarios....there were 4-5 different occations were she was having sex with the other guy and was enjoying herself to the point where i thought she had definitly cum...
(this turns me on big time ) she soaked the blanket, i mean like a puddle 1 -2 sq feet....(now i had seen this a cpl times we did the dp thing with a toy)...so i was sure she finally came...
while alone driving home we talked about it...i said somthing like , he was good, you were really enjoying yourself....watching you made me so hot..
and she said yes he was ,but i didn't cum...i said what about that huge wet spot you left, that moaning, you had to cum, listen i'm happy for you...i enjoyed it as much as you did... she said no i didn't cum... the whole situation made me hot, horney and wet, very wet obveiously....but i didn't cum...i said wow you sure fooled me....she said well i was enjoying it , but i also put on alittle show to make him feel good...so i took it at that ....
now like i said before this same thing happened 4-5 times and we talked about it , same situation basicly...
reading this post makes me think that maybe she did cum after all...????
after all the years of me admiring her honesty, about not cumming...i'm beginning to wonder if maybe she wasn't so honest about cumming with these other guys....her cumming with another guy would make me happy....knowing she lied about it would not....
So now that you have read all this , what do you think??? was she honest with me or not???
thanks in advance
Mr sxsurfer

[twoferfun69]

Interesting. First of all, I will relate my opinion based on a failed 20 year marriage the first time around, not from being an experienced swinger. Don't second guess yourself. However, she may be going through a period where she is feeling guilty that she is having these wonderful orgasms with another person, after you gave so much effort into it just the two of you. Yes, it is disappointing that, from your perspective, your were not able to get her to that point. But just relax and let it "flow". Even though you may be expressing YOUR desire for her to be honest with you, she is protecting you in a manner of speaking. She obviously cares a great deal for you, and does not want to make you feel less of a man or less of a lover to her because she is able to orgasm with someone else, not you.
Possibly you two have put too much pressure on yourselves for her to orgasm with you, and have reached a point where ya just need ta relax!!! trust me on THAT one.....been there done that!!!

[sxsurfers]

Thank you for your reply, to be truthful i would be alittle disappointed, if she did in fact have an orgasim with another guy first....but the way i look at it is, it please's me to pleasure her, and even if another guy with a different bag of tricks makes her come, i was there to enjoy it with her, and only good can come from it, ie a learning experance.... i understand the protecting part.. but only good can come from being honest....

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by sxsurfers

So now that you have read all this , what do you think??? was she honest with me or not???
thanks in advance
Mr sxsurfer

Here's another possible explanation based on my experience.

It sounds to me like your wife may be ejaculating, commonly known as "squirting," since she makes such a large wet area on the bed. This can happen at the time of orgasm, but it is my opinion that it can occur without orgasm. At least that's been my experience. I don't think I'm having an orgasm every time I squirt.

So when she says she didn't orgasm with her playmates, she may know what she's talking about.

LM

[DBL D]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Here's another possible explanation based on my experience.

It sounds to me like your wife may be ejaculating, commonly known as "squirting," since she makes such a large wet area on the bed. This can happen at the time of orgasm, but it is my opinion that it can occur without orgasm. At least that's been my experience. I don't think I'm having an orgasm every time I squirt.

So when she says she didn't orgasm with her playmates, she may know what she's talking about.

LM

I'm sorry (maybe BiBlonde can comment ) but I didn't think you could control squirting. I always thought it accompanied an orgasm.

Male D